weebossyboots

It's taken me years to agree with OH and leave my wee family here. My parents are long gone and I have a few close aunts, uncles, cousins and 2 brothers.

One brother is in Guernsey but the other lives about 5 mins away and I have always thought we were close but he is acting like a complete eejit just now.

I had a lovely last Christmas here but was deeply hurt that my brother did not want to spend any of it with me, prefering to spend it with his wive's brother who was visiting form the US. I won't go into details but I (and OH and kids) got invited to nothing and felt completely shut out. Actually I did get invited to 2 things - one to babysit while they all went out for my sister-in-laws 40th (we weren't invited) and the other was for lunch which he then cancellled saying he was too busy. It turns out he took his daughter to the Carnival. That just 2 examples - there was a lot more - like the impromtu party at his with his wives family on Hogmany (again we weren't invited) and the feeling we were imposing on Xmas day when we popped in (at the allocated time we'd been given) - yes, again he spent that with his wive's family

Now he's acting like NZ is not anywhere he wants to visit and doesn't know when ("oh it'll be at least 11 years") or if he'll get out there - he's already planned his next trip to US to visit his wives brother though! He was the one who kept saying I should go for it.

I'm really just posting to get this off my chest but is this classic Family-of-the-emigree-behaviour??

Actually, come to think of it I remember OH family acting like w*^kers when he moved over to UK from NZ - but () I just thought that was how they were normally

I've tried telling him that it's not personal that i am going and that indeed i am still here now because i didn't want to leave him - seems to have backfired on me though.

I didn't mean this to be such a rant! Nevermind. i feel a bit better now

karonious

That's sad to hear but it does seem to be a recurring theme.
Karma doesn't help anything but it does at least let you know we are thinking of you. So have some to keep you going.
Karen

teambwr47

Yes for some of the family............... ignore it and get on the plane.

Live life for you, not wider family who want you to live it to suit them.

JoanneD

Something similiar happened to me with my brother. He hasn't spoken to me or acknowledged my two children (nearly 4 and 2) since I left in August 2006 I find it difficult as I am sure you have. I believe that in the end it is their loss and hopefully in time they will come to their senses and stop being so selfish!!!!

Nice Guy

You are not alone........also happened to me...........family behaved very odd indeed.

Non-verbal aggression, why do you want to leave good old Blighty?

Almost a personal and side-swipe at them!

Strangely enough all of them at some stage have considered the process of emigration and I (we) have always been very supportive.

I remember my mother's 70 th birthday when we were still in England and the positive rudeness of one of my brothers to us, needless to say he has never spoken to us again in the 8 years we have been away.........when we did return for a holiday could not be bothered to see us...........

I've always said communication is a two way process and believe me we really made the effort to keep in contact but all to no avail.

So no............you are not alone and no...........it does not get any easier...............but as always time is a great healer and I still look forward to the 'phone ringing or the Inbox saying you've got mail.................

Ho hum, nowt so strange as folk!

Their loss.

weebossyboots

Thanks for that.

Was kinda hoping there'd be more of a happy ending. But I guess (anyone's) family can't help but take it personally when we chose to live so far away from them. I would have encouraged any one of my family to emigrate if they had the opportunity then I would have felt miffed if they had gone. And, when i think about it, there have been comments from others and I have felt a bit interogated recently ("WHY are you going again?")

I hope a bit of understanding on my part, and a lot of soothing will eventually help. I guess it's nice, in a perverse way, to remember how much they love us.

CAN2NZ

Yes, I agree that this is not uncommon. I think it is part of the grieving process. We speak on Skype to Mom each Sunday and to one of my sisters each week, more or less. My other sister and I exchange emails from time to time. I also communicate with other relatives in a similar manner. It all works great, and now my mom, I think actually enjoys our talks for an hour or so once a week. She gets to speak to the kids each week, where before it was not so often and often while there were other family members and there kids around. I think it is actually pretty good. I mentioned to Mom this week that while we might have spent less money on things and been more prudent, we have had an interesting life and have enjoyed our move.

jill1420

Hi Weebossyboots.

Did you have a good relationship before you mentioned emigrating? Or is his behaviour just highliightened cause your feeling a wee bit low/nervous/excited/scared about the move and were secretly hoping things between both of you would be better than normal before you headed out. Best Wishes to you all. Hopefully he will realise how selfish he is being.

weebossyboots

We've always had a good relationship. I was feeling low anyway with it being my last Christmas but I do think he has been acting like a wee meanie. I will talk to him though - he's a decent guy and I know he is going to miss me as much as I miss him. I just had to get over my hurt first before I could help him with his.

jill1420

Im pleased it can be resolved. Best wishes to you

weebossyboots

I hope so

weebossyboots

Sent big bro a text today saying how much I loved him and that he was the best big brother (we're 37 and 43 respectivley).

Result: He just popped into see me - I think he thought I was dying after that soppy text.

Also think he just needs loads of reassurance and he is genuinely worried he won't see me again.


It's a lot sadder, a lot sooner than I expected

jill1420

Result! Im so pleased.

banshigirl

I am glad he popped in to see you.

Did you resolve things?

Did you find out all?

Please tell as we are yet to get to that point and would love to hear of anything and everthing that could help.

weebossyboots

We didn't discuss anything - I just hugged him (until my 4 yr old told me to put her uncle down) and told him I hadn't had a chance to see much of hiim over Christmas (didn't blame him for avoiding me - was impressed at my own grown up attidtude!)

From what he says though he is genuinely scared he won't see me again (he's used to popping in to see me anytime and we talk a lot. His daughter and my 2 girls are very close). Didn't discuss it but did spend last night in tears with OH and asked OH if it was feesible to buy a flat here when we sell house and move to NZ with zero cash - still contemplating that one. That may make big bro feel a but more hopeful (as well as being a saftey net if it all goes pear shaped).

I am at work but checking out flats in my area as i write !