welshwales

A TRUE TALE



A True Australian ghost story



This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.



The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the
car and closed the door, just to realise there was nobody behind the
wheel and the engine wasn't on!
The car started moving slowly.



John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching.



Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.

John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand repeatedly came
through the window but never harmed him.



Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody
about the horrible ordeal he had just experienced.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and
wasn't drunk.
Suddenly two other people walked into the same pub.



They, like John, were also wet and out of breath.

Looking around and seeing John sobbing at the bar, one said to the
other:-











"Look, Bruce, there's that f***ing idiot that got in the car while
we were pushing it!"

welshwales

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm,
"I'd like to buy a horth" he Says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse?" said the owner.
"A female horth" the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare.
"Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?" So the owner
picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.

"Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.
"Nithe teeth.... Can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says. The owner is
getting
fed up but again picks up the dwarf to show him the Horses ears.
"Nithe eerth.' He says,
"Now...can I see her twot?" With this the owner picks the dwarf up by
the
scruff of his neck and Shoves his head deep inside the horses v*gina.
He
holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and
putting
him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says:
"Perhaps I should weefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound?"

loutho

Excellent, the joke about the aussie student has had me in tears of laughter, husband thinks i have lost the plot!!!

welshwales

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.



Bill's Story



My name is Bill. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Debbie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.



Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.



She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.



Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.



When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.



I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.



After all, we are put on this earth to help each other . . .



Signed,



Bill



EDITOR'S NOTE: Bill died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his ass, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Debbie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it.

loutho

GOD!!! U and my other half must be from same gene pool!!!!! Good though!!!

welshwales

I got more...



An 80-year old man goes for physical. All tests come back with normal results.



The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"



George replies: "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get in up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom - poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, Poof! The light goes off."



"Wow, that's incredible," says the doctor.



A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"



"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's pissing in the fridge again!"

welshwales

and more.

AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT

Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's
accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.

This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award
for sure.......

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of
my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust
the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone
on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found
that I had some bricks left over which, when
weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a
barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on
the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and
loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it
tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135
lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost
my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as
listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I
continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand
were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to
hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately
50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth
and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed
to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks
and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however,as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and
let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Kevin Roben
Wagga Glass & Aluminium Pty Ltd
PO Box 5004 (11 Dobney Ave)
Wagga Wagga NSW 2650

welshwales

A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be a few thousand dollars in it.



He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the jar?"


"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Corvette Z06."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"

"Pay first, those are the rules," says the bartender.

So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.


"OK," the bartender says, "Here's what you need to do:



First – you have to drink that entire litre of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands."


"Third - there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had an orgasm. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things.."

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Where's that tequila?"

He grabs the litre with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then . . .silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says . . . "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

welshwales

Subject: The Dark Deal

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides
in the bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is
in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the cupboard together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"!
Boy - "£750"
Man - "Sold.">
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and
football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots.">The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?">Boy -"£1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again.

welshwales

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson,
died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since
you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the
world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang
out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who
invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."

God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something
that's pretty unstable width='100%', makes noise and pollution and can't run
without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me,
but aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, " Ah, yes."
"Well ," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,"
replied God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and
waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and
God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to
Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my
invention than yours. "

welshwales

must be done in mexican accent


Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert,


Wandering aimlessly and close to death.

They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......


'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell?

Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet.'



'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee'.



So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.



There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture .

there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...

Every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.



'Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved!

Eet EES a bacon tree!'



'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?;

We ees in the Desert don't forget.'



'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.



And with that ...Luis races toward the tree.

He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks.



It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.



'Pepe...go back man,you was right...ees not a bacon tree.'



'Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it?

'Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...





Ees..........









Ees...











Ees.........









Ees....















... Eees a Ham Bush

welshwales

An Arab man has spent many days crossing the desert without water.

His camel dies of thirst.

He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last,
when
all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several
yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what
looks
to be an ash tray from an old car.

He opens it and out pops a genie....

But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a polka dot bow tie and
plaid
sport coat.

There's a dog-eared little book in the breast pocket with a blue cover.

He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works.

You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this.." says the man. "I'm not going to trust a car
salesman!"

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and It looks
like
you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right.

" OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.

And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold
coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish that no matter
where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?

If a car salesman offers you anything at no cost, there's going to be a
string attached.

welshwales

LITTLE Mark ON MATHS

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little MARK.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little MARK says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little MARK replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the Wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

LITTLE MARK ON MATH (Part 2)

Little MARK returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies MARK.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the ****ing difference?" asks the father

"That's what I said!"

LITTLE M ARK ON ENGLISH

Little MARK goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

MARK says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little MARK, that's a mouthful."

Little MARK says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR

Little MARK was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a p ** s!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, MARK, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-I-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow You to go."

Little MARK, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger t * ts, you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called! On little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little MARK.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was Pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f ** king beautiful!'"

LITTLE MARK ON GETTING OLDER

Little MARK was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little MARK replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little MARK answered, "No, he minded his own f ** king business.
I LOVE Little MARK!!!!!

welshwales

School 1977 vs. School 2007

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2007 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.

1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.

Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school .

1977 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English.

1977 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.

2007 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1977 - Ants die.

2007 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly with American Carriers ever again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.

welshwales

A Taliban suicide bomber pulls the plug and
explodes.... .......BOOM! !!

A short while later he finds himself on a huge
white staircase leading towards the heavens, so he starts climbing up.
After an hour of hard climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old
man in white robes with a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by
ledgers.
'Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammed?'
'No' replies the old man, 'I am St Peter,
Mohammed is further up the
stairs'.
But this is wonderful news' screams the bomber,
'Mohammed is higher than St Peter! I can hardly believe it'. With this
he carries on climbing up the stairs. After an hour or so of hard
climbing he arrives at another landing. Standing on the landing is a
serene looking man with long hair and a long white beard.

'Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammed?'
'No' replies the old man, 'I am Jesus, Mohammed
is further up the stairs'.
'But this is amazing news' screams the bomber,
'Mohammed is higher than Jesus! I can hardly believe it, martyrdom is
wonderful!!! !!.

With this he carries on climbing up the stairs.
After another hour or so of hard climbing he arrives on a huge landing.
There, sitting on a magnificent throne is another old man, with flowing
white robes, beard and long white hair.

'Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammed?'
'No' replies the old man, 'I am God.'
But this is absolutely amazing news' screams the
bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than God! I am so happy I can't believe it,
martyrdom is more than wonderful!!! !!'

'You look tired my son' said God 'would you like
to sit down and rest a while?'
'Oh yes' replied the bomber 'I am very tired and
would love a rest before I carry on, thank you'.

The bomber sits down and God says 'You look
thirsty my son, would you like a cup of coffee?'
'Oh yes please' replies the bomber 'I am most
thirsty, thank you'.

With this God turns and snaps his fingers and
shouts 'Oi', Mohammed, two coffees over here, and make it snappy!!'