just some fun..

Old Jun 17th 2007, 10:32 pm
  #31  
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Talking Re: just some fun..

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to

get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be

hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the

governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.



As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about,

What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on

and on!



Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and

poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the

bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.



While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told

that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after

all.



Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs

to give him the good news.



As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her

husband's rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.



"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.



He whirled around and screamed,"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP!"
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Old Jun 17th 2007, 11:01 pm
  #32  
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Talking Re: just some fun..

On his first day on the job, the trainee dialled the kitchen and shouted
into the phone: "Get me a F***ING cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool, you've dialled the
wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No," replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are F***ING talking
to, you F***ING idiot?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly

"Thank F**K for that!" replied the trainee and slammed down the phone
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Old Jun 17th 2007, 11:04 pm
  #33  
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Talking Re: just some fun..

Smart Ass Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat....she said,
"Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."


Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."


Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.


Smart Ass Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads,
"Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck
under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his
hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas"


AND NOW.......FOR THE..........#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE
YEAR 2007...
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is
restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head
and sweetly says
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
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Old Jun 17th 2007, 11:09 pm
  #34  
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Talking Re: just some fun..

This is my fav one of all.


Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this:


Many Sydney folks did hear this on the Fox FM morning show in Sydney.


The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is
called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are
married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers
'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The
person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone
number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three
questions correctly,they both win the prize.


One particular game however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop
to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard.


Anyway, here's how it all went down:


DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on Fox FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"


Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."


DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you
win. What is your name? First name only please."


Contestant: "Brian."


DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"


Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."


DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First name only please."


Brian: "Sarah."


DJ: "Is Sarah at work Brian?"


Brian: "She is gonna kill me."


DJ: "Stay with me here. Brian, is she at work?"


Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."


DJ: "Okay, first question - When was the last time you had sex?"


Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."


DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."


Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well...."


DJ: "Question 2 - How long did it last?"


Brian: "About 10 minutes."


DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that
if a trip wasn't at stake."


Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."


DJ: "Okay, final question - Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?"


Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well...."


DJ: "This sounds good Brian. Where was it at?"


Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for
a couple of weeks...."


DJ: "Uh huh...."


Brian: "....and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."


DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."


Brian: "On the kitchen table."


DJ: "Not that great? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
timesI've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's
work number and call her up. You listen to this."


[ 3 minutes of commercials follow ]


DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah shall we?" (Touch
tones....ringing....)


Clerk: "Kinkos."


DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"


Clerk: "This is she."


DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed on Fox FM. We are live on the air right now and I've
been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."


Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"


DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give
any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo.... do you know the rules of
'Mate Match'?"


Sarah: "No."


DJ: "Good!"


Brian: (laughing)


Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"


Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely
honest."


DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure, now I will ask you 3 questions Sarah. If your
answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold
Coast for 5 days on us."


Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."


DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex Sarah?"


Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."


DJ: "What time?"


Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."


DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"


Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."


DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last question Sarah. You are one question away from
a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"


Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."


DJ: "Where did you have it?"


Sarah: "OH MY GOD BRIAN! You didn't tell them that did you?"


Brian: "Just tell him honey."


DJ: "What is bothering you so much Sarah?"


Sarah: "Well...."


DJ: "Come on Sarah....where did you have it?"


Sarah: "Up the arse...."


After a long pause the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break."


And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!

I love this one
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Old Jun 17th 2007, 11:15 pm
  #35  
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Default Re: just some fun..

shall i stop now or more?
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Old Jun 17th 2007, 11:16 pm
  #36  
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Default Re: just some fun..

I feel all alone in here!!!
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Old Jun 18th 2007, 12:21 am
  #37  
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Default Re: just some fun..

Originally Posted by welshwales View Post
I feel all alone in here!!!
You're doing such a great job, WW, that we daren't interrupt your flow!
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Old Jun 19th 2007, 1:04 pm
  #38  
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Default Re: just some fun..

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. He wonders: WTH? How do I get a bear off my roof?

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.

When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
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Old Jun 19th 2007, 1:05 pm
  #39  
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Default Re: just some fun..

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.
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Old Jun 19th 2007, 1:07 pm
  #40  
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Default Re: just some fun..

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and
informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The
son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as
he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and
orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar
patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in
disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts
into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip!
Plop!!

Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to
drink again

The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!"

The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing
glasses, shaking his head" clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches
down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs
pop out.

The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands
up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right
through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and
kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,





(Wait for it)











(It's coming)








(ready?)










(Don't hate me)

















"He should've quit while he was a head!"
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Old Jun 19th 2007, 1:08 pm
  #41  
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Talking Re: just some fun..

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next

to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.



The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of

champagne, too!"



He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for

me, I'm celebrating."



"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the

woman.



"What a coincidence," says the man.



They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"



"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist

told me I'm pregnant!"



"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. and my last

batch of hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."



"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"



"I switched cocks," he replied.



"What a coincidence," she said.
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Old Jun 19th 2007, 1:08 pm
  #42  
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Default Re: just some fun..

While I was driving down the M4 the other day, (going a little faster than
I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the
other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper pulled me over,
walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk, asked:

"Runway too short?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And
just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side
to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch
the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you
do with a six-foot arsehole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind
a bridge..."

Speeding ticket: £105.00

Court costs: £45

Look on copper's face: Priceless.
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Old Jun 19th 2007, 1:09 pm
  #43  
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Default Re: just some fun..

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:


means a smile and

is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-) and

:-( respectively.

Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ar*se

(__!__) a fat ar*se

(!) a tight ar*se

(_*_) a sore ar*se

{_!_} a swishy ar*se

(_o_) an ar*se that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ar*se

(_X_) leave my ar*se alone

(_zzz_) a tired ar*se

(_E=mc2_) a smart ar*se

(_$_) Money coming out of his ar*se

(_?_) Dumb ar*se

..oo*"""**oo.oo*""*oo..
oo*" "*o.o*" "*o.
o o *o
.o o 'o
o o o.
o o o
o \o/ o
o --0-- o
o. /o\ o
o o o
o o o
o o oo
oo o oo
oo. oo oo
'ooo. oo. ooo
o ""oo,, ,,oO-'Oo, ,,,,,oo"o
o. """""" oo """"" o
'o oo o'
o oo o
'o o o*
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
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Old Jun 19th 2007, 1:18 pm
  #44  
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Default Re: just some fun..

A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY ...

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still In great shape since playing on my college football team 25yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the Club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am.
Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members.

Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a Half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took
me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
in the men's room.
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that b**ch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic
little cheer leading b**ch. If there were a part of my body could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to
work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want
dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my
wife (the b**ch), will choose a gift for me that is fun, like a root canal or a vasectomy
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Old Jun 19th 2007, 1:19 pm
  #45  
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Default Re: just some fun..

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've

been having all these years? Well, they're gone. No more headaches?"

The husband asks, "What happened?". His wife replies, "Margie referred
me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at
myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I

do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone." The
husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist
and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try
it.Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her

on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back A few minutes later and jumps
into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His
wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I
will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better

than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her
husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly
follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the
mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my
wife!"

His funeral service will be held on Monday --
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