welshwales

Bravo for Sheriff Judd !!!

POLK COUNTY FLORIDA SHERIFF GRADY JUDD

Some "dirtbag" in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine
traffic stop ended up "executing" the deputy who
stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his
right ear at close range.
Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.
A statewide manhunt ensued.
The low-life was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun. SWAT team
officers fired and hit the guy 68 times.




Naturally, the media asked why they shot him 68 times. Polk County
Sheriff Grady Judd, told the Orlando Sentinel :

"That's all the bullets we had !!"

banshigirl

I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we were alongside the road and the driver slowly gets out of the car. . And you know how you just get so stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Well, I could not believe it. He was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "' I AM NOT HAPPY!"'

So, I look down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

...... And that's when the fight started!

Maz

Am in tears reading this thread.

malcoltom

Do you do a stint on the stage?

Here's some from the Wirral

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her
right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go
along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey!

malcoltom

FINALLY, THE 6 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:
Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for " suck here."
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they
take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...
AND....
Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARASSMENT?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

:curse:

malcoltom

On the night before his wedding, the shy young man thought he ought to ask his father what was expected of him in the bedroom.
"What exactly do I have to do?" he asked tentatively. .
"Well, Son," said his father. "You remember what you used to play with as a teenager? All you do is stick that where your wife pees." So the following night the young man threw Action Man down the toilet.

malcoltom

The love story of Ralph and Edna.
> >>
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both
patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past
the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He
sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and
pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic
act
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as
she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

PeggyP

Thank you guys - haven't laughed so much in a long time!

wimpy

My offering and personal favorite


A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot of land. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'wages' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

"You must have worked very hard to earn all this", said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, "Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house."

"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "And will you be working on the house again next week?"

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

"I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the ****in' bricks."

wimpy

Or this


A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits

they stopped at was the breeding bulls.



They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'



The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said,

'He mated 50 times last year.'

They walked to the second pen which had a sign
attached that said,


''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'





The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said,

'That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'

They walked to the third pen and it had a

sign attached that said, in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'




The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke

her husband's ribs, said, 'That's once a day.

You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

The husband looked at her and said,

'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

ned

I've been to see my sisters new baby today
She asked if I wanted to wind it?
I thought that was a bit harsh, so I gave it a dead leg

simonmarkellis

I was feeling depressed earlier, so I called the Samaritans telling them I was suicidal! I got a call centre in Pakistan and they asked if I could deliver a package?

banshigirl

EFFECTIVE January 3, 2008

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

banshigirl

Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a Nursing home.

About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandmas Yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'

The old man said, 'There isn't no way you can guess it, you old Fools.'

One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three old Ladies happily yelled in unison-- 'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'

malcoltom

There was once this cowboy, riding through the wild west. One day, off in the distance, he sees a small cloud of dust. So he rides his horse up to it, and finds its an Indian laying on the ground with his chop sticking out of his pants! The cowboy gets off his horse and asks, "What are you doing?", to which the Indian replies, "Me tell time! Penis acts as sundial." The cowboy in disbelief says, "Ok, what time is it?" The Indian looks down at his "3:35..." "That's amazing, your right!" the cowboy says in amazement. So he hops onto his horse and keeps going.
Riding along further, he sees the same thing, gets off his horse, and thinking the last Indian was a fluke, asks this one the time. The Indian looks down at his "one eyed bandit" and says "4:40". The cowboy is stunned, the time was right again! Shaking his head he hops back onto his horse and rides again.
After riding a while again, he sees yet another Indian on the ground with his "bald headed champ" except he was jerking off. The cowboy hops off his horse and says, "And what are you doing?" to which the Indian replies, "Me winding clock."