julesnye

I thought i'd start this new thread s so many people say that the Kiwi's are humour less. So let's see if we can laugh.


here's two I swiped from another site:-))))


What do you call a kiwi sheep dog?
A: A pimp.

Why do kiwis end up marrying women?
A: Sheep can't cook.

jennifer45

I think we met in a past life--and you were a dipstick then, too.

mickey_d

Case closed

NZGrl

A Kiwi woman is laying in bed when her husband comes home from the pub drunk with a sheep under his arm

Husband says "This is the dog Ive been shag*ing"

Kiwi wife says thats not a dog you drunk old bugger thats a sheep

Husband says "I was talking to the sheep"

mazi

Now that is funny - but then I'm not Kiwi

jennifer45

Thanks for PM, Julesnye.
I wasn't offended.
The thread was 'Jokes that make Kiwi laugh'

It was a kiwi joke! (devoid of all mention of sheep/dogs etc) slight inference re- sheep dip

Didn't you laugh?

julesnye

I didnt then but I have now.
thanks.

lardyl

yep typical kiwi "joke" full of self-depricating humour
that IMHO kinda negates what the OP was trying to suggest.
Listen to Radio Hauraki on their breakfast show (plus the continued repeats during the day) for a certain brand of Kiwi "humour" but be careful as it is interspersed with adverts for massage parlours, female escorts, solicitors who will get you un-banned from driving and male fertility pills.....
Then just talk to expats (mainly Brits but some SAs and other English speakers) "on the ground" in "Gods own" and you'll find that this attitude to the kiwi mentality (be it as regards their humour, aversion to criticism or their inclusiveness) is not just common it is pretty damn universal - at least up here in Auckland!

justinthyme

Kelly limps into his favourite bar.
"My God! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, with one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with O'Riley," whispered Kelly to the bartender.

"O'Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the bartender said surprised."He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said, "a shovel it was."

"Dear lord, Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did--Mrs O'Riley's right tit - and a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in fight"

justinthyme

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

You did “WHAT???" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

lardyl

nice one - but can you verify its provenance as a Kiwi friendly joke???

justinthyme

Well, it come off a Kiwi fishing forum

Anyway this ones got Kiwis in it:

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"

New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at New Zealander

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

New Zealander: (look of disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at New Zealander)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

New Zealander: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

New Zealander: "That sheep's a lying bastard!.

jennifer45

Kiwis try hard to be diplomatic and unoffensive.
Why?
Because------
Diplomacy: the art of telling someone to go to hell in such a way that he looks forward to the trip.
They really are past masters at it! Love them for it!

ceri75

KiwiKate

I've seen a few kiwi's laugh at this - does that prove anything???


__________________________________________________ _______________
This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by.

The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!

The car started moving slowly.

John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve.

John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila.

He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and...wasn't drunk.

About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub.

They were also wet and out of breath.

Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other,

"Look, Bruce.. here's the idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."