Jokes
Apr 18th 2008, 9:02 am
#1
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Mar 2008
Location: Tauranga, New Zealand
Posts: 156
Jokes
Please post any jokes that are funny!!!!!!!!
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question" noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh" replied the auditor (somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer; but on he went, in his obnoxious way): "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits".
"I see" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi..." he went on "...what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste" answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and once a year they send us a complete prick".
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question" noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh" replied the auditor (somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer; but on he went, in his obnoxious way): "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits".
"I see" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi..." he went on "...what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste" answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and once a year they send us a complete prick".
Apr 18th 2008, 9:03 am
#2
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Mar 2008
Location: Tauranga, New Zealand
Posts: 156
Re: Jokes
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnny.
Johnny said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?'
'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'
'That's great', said Little Johnny,'coz he'd be f***ed if he needed glasses'
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnny.
Johnny said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?'
'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'
'That's great', said Little Johnny,'coz he'd be f***ed if he needed glasses'
Apr 18th 2008, 9:06 am
#3
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Mar 2008
Location: Tauranga, New Zealand
Posts: 156
Re: Jokes
Old Lady in Hell......
Heaven or Hell ??
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling
screams.
Don't worry about that," says St. Peter,
"It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder
blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with
the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter,
"She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter.
"You'll be raped and taken advantage of."
"Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes
for that."
Heaven or Hell ??
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling
screams.
Don't worry about that," says St. Peter,
"It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder
blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with
the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter,
"She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter.
"You'll be raped and taken advantage of."
"Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes
for that."
Apr 18th 2008, 9:08 am
#4
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Mar 2008
Location: Tauranga, New Zealand
Posts: 156
Re: Jokes
VASELINE
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."
"When we eat dinner; we don't talk! In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the *****ing dishes!"
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."
"When we eat dinner; we don't talk! In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the *****ing dishes!"
Apr 18th 2008, 9:09 am
#5
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Mar 2008
Location: Tauranga, New Zealand
Posts: 156
Re: Jokes
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the
middle
of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to
answer
her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in
deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became
worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her
date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he
could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two
fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father
blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man
insisted
that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so
wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he
grows
older?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.'
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the
middle
of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to
answer
her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in
deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became
worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her
date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he
could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two
fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father
blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man
insisted
that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so
wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he
grows
older?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.'
Apr 18th 2008, 9:11 am
#6
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Mar 2008
Location: Tauranga, New Zealand
Posts: 156
Re: Jokes
Whoops have I gone to far !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apr 18th 2008, 10:27 am
#7
By name and by nature
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,852
Re: Jokes
There's a competition on a radion station in Cork to find a word that's not in the dictionary and create a sentence with it. The first caller comes in
"hello, it's Dan here. My word is GOAN"
The presenter "well Dan, that word is not in the dictionary, what's your sentence?"
Dan "Goan f**k yerself"
The presenter cuts the caller off!
The show continues with no caller coming up with an original word to form a sentence until ...
"hello, me name's Larry and my word's SMEE"
Presenter "well Larry, that's not a word in the dictionary - what's your sentence?"
Larry - "Smee again = goan f**k yerself"
"hello, it's Dan here. My word is GOAN"
The presenter "well Dan, that word is not in the dictionary, what's your sentence?"
Dan "Goan f**k yerself"
The presenter cuts the caller off!
The show continues with no caller coming up with an original word to form a sentence until ...
"hello, me name's Larry and my word's SMEE"
Presenter "well Larry, that's not a word in the dictionary - what's your sentence?"
Larry - "Smee again = goan f**k yerself"
Apr 18th 2008, 10:51 am
#9
Forum Regular
Joined: Jan 2008
Location: West Midlands
Posts: 54
Re: Jokes
My nine year old son came home from school with this one:
A man was sitting in his front room watching the TV when there was a knock at the door.
The man got up and answered the door. Standing in front of him was a 6o-foot cockroach. The cockroach hit the man twice on the head and left.
The next night the man was sitting down watching the TV whilst reading the newspaper when there was a knock at the door. The man answered the door and there stood in front of him was the same 60-foot cockroach. The cockroach hit the man on the head twice and punched him in the face twice then left.
The next night the man was sitting down watching the TV, reading the newspaper whilst eating some popcorn when there was a knock at the door. The man answered the door to find the same 60-foot cockroach standing outside. The cockroach hit the man over the head twice, punched him in the face twice and kicked him between the legs twice, then left.
The man took himself to A & E and the doctor asked him what happened. The man said that a 60-foot cockroach had knocked on his door before hitting him on the head twice, punched him in the face twice and kicked him between the legs twice.
The Doctor paused then said “Ah yes, there is a nasty bug going around!!”
A man was sitting in his front room watching the TV when there was a knock at the door.
The man got up and answered the door. Standing in front of him was a 6o-foot cockroach. The cockroach hit the man twice on the head and left.
The next night the man was sitting down watching the TV whilst reading the newspaper when there was a knock at the door. The man answered the door and there stood in front of him was the same 60-foot cockroach. The cockroach hit the man on the head twice and punched him in the face twice then left.
The next night the man was sitting down watching the TV, reading the newspaper whilst eating some popcorn when there was a knock at the door. The man answered the door to find the same 60-foot cockroach standing outside. The cockroach hit the man over the head twice, punched him in the face twice and kicked him between the legs twice, then left.
The man took himself to A & E and the doctor asked him what happened. The man said that a 60-foot cockroach had knocked on his door before hitting him on the head twice, punched him in the face twice and kicked him between the legs twice.
The Doctor paused then said “Ah yes, there is a nasty bug going around!!”
Apr 18th 2008, 10:53 am
#10
Forum Regular
Joined: Jan 2008
Location: West Midlands
Posts: 54
Re: Jokes
As you can imagine it took a while for him to tell the joke but it was worth waiting for and we had a good laugh.
Apr 18th 2008, 7:55 pm
#11
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Mar 2008
Location: Tauranga, New Zealand
Posts: 156
Re: Jokes
There's a competition on a radion station in Cork to find a word that's not in the dictionary and create a sentence with it. The first caller comes in
"hello, it's Dan here. My word is GOAN"
The presenter "well Dan, that word is not in the dictionary, what's your sentence?"
Dan "Goan f**k yerself"
The presenter cuts the caller off!
The show continues with no caller coming up with an original word to form a sentence until ...
"hello, me name's Larry and my word's SMEE"
Presenter "well Larry, that's not a word in the dictionary - what's your sentence?"
Larry - "Smee again = goan f**k yerself"
"hello, it's Dan here. My word is GOAN"
The presenter "well Dan, that word is not in the dictionary, what's your sentence?"
Dan "Goan f**k yerself"
The presenter cuts the caller off!
The show continues with no caller coming up with an original word to form a sentence until ...
"hello, me name's Larry and my word's SMEE"
Presenter "well Larry, that's not a word in the dictionary - what's your sentence?"
Larry - "Smee again = goan f**k yerself"
Apr 18th 2008, 11:40 pm
#12
Forum Regular
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 38
Re: Jokes
Please post any jokes that are funny!!!!!!!!
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question" noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh" replied the auditor (somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer; but on he went, in his obnoxious way): "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits".
"I see" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi..." he went on "...what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste" answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and once a year they send us a complete prick".
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question" noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh" replied the auditor (somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer; but on he went, in his obnoxious way): "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits".
"I see" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi..." he went on "...what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste" answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and once a year they send us a complete prick".
His girlfriend is lying in the bed and replies " i think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says " I think you'll find i wasn't talking to you."
.................................................. ..................................
A man and a friend are playing golf . One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession . He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. " The man replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
.................................................. ..................................
Two hunters are out in the woods when one collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Apr 19th 2008, 12:08 am
#13
Forum Regular
Joined: Oct 2007
Location: France (74)
Posts: 34
Re: Jokes
A Kiwi, an Australian and a South African were sitting in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer. All of a sudden, the Saudi police entered and arrested them. The three foreigners were initially sentenced to death but they contested this and were finally imprisoned for life.
However, as it was a national holiday in Saudi Arabia, the Sheikh decided that the prisoners should be released after each receiving twenty lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my wife's birthday today, and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
So the South African guy thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." The Saudis did as he asked and the flogging commenced. Unfortunately the pillow only lasted ten lashes before the whip went through to his skin.
When asked to name his wish, the Australian, who had been watching the proceedings, said: "Please fix two pillows to my back". But even two pillows could only withstand a dozen lashes before the whip went through once again.
Before the Kiwi could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "As you are from a popular country and your rugby team is terrific, I am going to allow you to have two wishes!"
"Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness," the Kiwi replied. "My
first wish is to have forty lashes instead of twenty."
"If you so desire," the Sheikh replied, with a questioning look on his
face. "And your second wish?"
"Tie the Aussie to my back," answered the Kiwi.
However, as it was a national holiday in Saudi Arabia, the Sheikh decided that the prisoners should be released after each receiving twenty lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my wife's birthday today, and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
So the South African guy thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." The Saudis did as he asked and the flogging commenced. Unfortunately the pillow only lasted ten lashes before the whip went through to his skin.
When asked to name his wish, the Australian, who had been watching the proceedings, said: "Please fix two pillows to my back". But even two pillows could only withstand a dozen lashes before the whip went through once again.
Before the Kiwi could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "As you are from a popular country and your rugby team is terrific, I am going to allow you to have two wishes!"
"Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness," the Kiwi replied. "My
first wish is to have forty lashes instead of twenty."
"If you so desire," the Sheikh replied, with a questioning look on his
face. "And your second wish?"
"Tie the Aussie to my back," answered the Kiwi.
Apr 21st 2008, 11:52 pm
#14
Winter hibernator
Joined: May 2007
Location: Miramar - Wellington - North Island - New Zealand
Posts: 779
Re: Jokes
The Wonky Donkey Game (Search for similar jokes)
Q: What do you call a donkey with three legs?
A: A wonky donkey.
Q: What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye?
A: A winky wonky donkey.
Q: What do you call a minature donkey with three legs and one eye?
A: A winky wonky dinky donkey.
Q: What do you call a minature donkey with three legs and one eye that can play the piano?
A: A plinky-plonky winky wonky dinky donkey.
Q: What do you call a minature donkey with three legs and one eye that can play the piano and has a bad case of wind?
A: A stinky plinky-plonky winky wonky dinky donkey.
Q: What do you call a really clever minature donkey with three legs and one eye that can play the piano and has a bad case of wind?
A: A thinky stinky plinky-plonky winky wonky dinky donkey.
Q: What do you call a really clever minature donkey with three legs and one eye that can play the piano and has a bad case of wind that has been attacked by a squid?
A: An inky thinky stinky plinky-plonky winky wonky dinky donkey.
Q: What do you call a donkey with three legs?
A: A wonky donkey.
Q: What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye?
A: A winky wonky donkey.
Q: What do you call a minature donkey with three legs and one eye?
A: A winky wonky dinky donkey.
Q: What do you call a minature donkey with three legs and one eye that can play the piano?
A: A plinky-plonky winky wonky dinky donkey.
Q: What do you call a minature donkey with three legs and one eye that can play the piano and has a bad case of wind?
A: A stinky plinky-plonky winky wonky dinky donkey.
Q: What do you call a really clever minature donkey with three legs and one eye that can play the piano and has a bad case of wind?
A: A thinky stinky plinky-plonky winky wonky dinky donkey.
Q: What do you call a really clever minature donkey with three legs and one eye that can play the piano and has a bad case of wind that has been attacked by a squid?
A: An inky thinky stinky plinky-plonky winky wonky dinky donkey.
