Steve and Julie

Tell that joke when youve had one to many!!!!!!!!

Loved it

Ted Logan

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

beckamojo

I a loving this thread - keep it going

What do you do if a bird shits on your windscreen?

.....Dont take her out again!

Steve and Julie

Enjoy!!!!!!!!!!


A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a
> > beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
> >
> > As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks
> > wind.
> > Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
> > noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
> >
> > As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of
> > a salesman standing right behind her.
> >
> > Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the
> > salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam.
> > How may we help you today?'
> >
> > Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have
> > been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir,
> > what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
> > He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going
> > to shit when I tell you the price.'

Steve and Julie

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't

have a lot of money between them, they could only

raise the staggering sum of one Euro.



Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."



He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out

with one large sausage.



Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any

money left at all!"



Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."



He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two

pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.



Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much

trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"



Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a

plan, Cheers!"



They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick

the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees

and put it in your mouth."



The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them

out.



They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and

more drunk, all for free..



At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I

can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are

killin'me!"



Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the

sausage in the third pub.

Steve and Julie

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes


That's not right! Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP ; Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Manum ***

Small Horse:Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone! No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight: Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile: Wa Shing Ka

Your body odour is offensive: Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great: Fa Kin Su Pa

Steve and Julie

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
means a smile and
is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(
Well, how about some 'ARSE-ICONS?'
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular arse

(__!__) a fat arse

(!) a tight arse

(_*_) a sore arse

{_!_} a swishy arse

(_o_) an arse that's been around


(_x_) kiss my arse

(_X_) leave my arse alone
(_zzz_) a tired arse

(_E=mc2_) a smart arse

(_$_) Money coming out of his arse
(_?_) Dumb arse


Hope you enjoyed this one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

danny.f

There was a joke thread ages ago that had 220 njokes on it,but got binned.
The last one on it was
'Children...Easter has been cancelled this year,they've found a body!!...'

badabing14

Sent to me from Oz

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a
Kiwi,
an Australian (both guys), a young blonde lady, and a little old Swiss
lady.
The train goes into a tunnel & a few seconds later there's the sound of a
loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand
print
on his cheek.
No one speaks.
The old lady thinks:That the Kiwi must have groped the blond in the dark
and
she slapped his cheek.
The blonde thinks: That Kiwi must have tried to grope me in the dark, but
missed and fondled the old lady. She slapped his cheek.
The Kiwi thinks: That Australian must have groped the blonde in the dark.
She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that
Kiwi again.

alice goodwin

2 blokes are in a pub - 3rd bloke walks in with his son

" This is George - We called him George because he was born on St.Georges Day "

2nd bloke says " well , we've got a son called Patrick - We called him Patrick because he was born on St.Patricks Day "

1st bloke points to someone sat in a corner & says " And thats our Pancake over there !!! "

pumpkinlou

Married Life

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, chatting
about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night
all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask
over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came
back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask.
He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love
all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office.
I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes
and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn' say a word. We
just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay
at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super
stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work,
grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's
for dinner ?'

alice goodwin

An Eskimo breaks down in New Zealand

A Kiwi stops to help - He looks under the bonnet & says "LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE BLOWN A SEAL"

Eskimo replies " YOU'VE GOT NO NEED TO TALK - YOU SHAG SHEEP "

garryhg

this joke came from my 7 year old son yesterday...

how does the butcher introduce his wife....MEET PATTY..

thought it was quite funny for him.....Jacky

pascalr

A kiwi with a hugh smile on his face carrying a scared looking sheep walks past an English tourist.

The tourist asks "Are you going to SHEAR that sheep"

The kiwi replies "No mate, this ones all for me!"

Browner_

Q: What's an Essex girl's favourite wine?
A: Aw go-on take me to lakeside please please go-on take me

Q: What's an Essex Girl's form of protection?
A: Bus Shelters

Q: What's the difference between an Essex girl and a washing machine?
A: A washing machine doesn't follow you around for weeks after you've dumped your load in it.

Q: What does an Essex girl say after sex?
A: "Do you really all play for the same football team?"

Q: What's the difference between an Essex girl and an ironing board?
A: An ironing board's legs are difficult to part.

Q: What's the difference between an Essex girl and an Essex boy?
A: An Essex girl has a higher sperm count.

Q: What does an Essex girl put behind her ears to make her more
attractive?
A: Her feet.

Q: What's the difference between an Essex girl and a plate of spaghetti?
A: Spaghetti moves when you eat it.

Q: What makes Essex girls' eyes light up?
A: A torch shone in her ear.

Q: What's the difference between an Essex girl and the Titanic?
A: Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.

Q: What's the difference between a supermarket trolley and an Essex girl?
A: A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

Q: An Essex girl is driving along and asks her boyfriend to kiss her somewhere warm, wet and smelly.
A: He tells her that it's too late to drive to Canvey Island.



An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions.
Girl: OK
Medic: What's your name?
Girl: Sharon
Medic: OK Sharon, is this your car?
Sharon: Yes
Medic: Where are you bleeding from?
Sharon: Romford, mate!


Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere.
The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.
Sharon: Ok
Medic: Ok the how many fingers am I putting up
Sharon: Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!