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Involuntary Muscle Contraction

Involuntary Muscle Contraction

Old Mar 25th 2013, 11:37 pm
  #1  
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Default Involuntary Muscle Contraction

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked,

'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied,

'Probably golfing with his mates.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom!
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Old Mar 26th 2013, 6:42 am
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Wink Re: Involuntary Muscle Contraction

One day a man was driving down the street when he saw a sign on a lawn that read, "Talking dog for sale". Intrigued, he pulled over and rang the bell. A man answered and the driver asked "Do you really have a talking dog?"

The man replied, "He's out back. See for your self."

Skeptical, the driver proceeded to the back. He approached the dog and said,
"So, you're the talking dog."

The dog replied, "Yup."

Amazed, the man begged, "So what's your story?"

The dog began to tell his remarkable tale.
"When I was a puppy it was discovered that I had the unique ability to understand and speak English. Naturally I was recruited into the CIA as a spy where I was instrumental in many investigations. I was undercover for many years and I was able to travel extensively. After some time the job simply became too dangerous and I longed for a family. I found work at the local airport as part of the drug enforcement K9 unit. I met this bitch, had a few puppies and here I am."

Astounded, the driver excused himself and went back inside to speak with the owner. The driver asked the owner,
"How much for the dog?"

The owner replied,
"Ten bucks."

"Ten bucks?!" the driver gasped. "How could such an amazing creature be worth only ten dollars?!"

The owner responded flatly,
"That dog's a ****ing liar. He never did any of that."
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Old Mar 26th 2013, 8:04 am
  #3  
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Default Re: Involuntary Muscle Contraction




David Cameron walks into a Nat West bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning , could you please cash this cheque for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Cameron "Truthfully, I did not ring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am David Cameron the Prime Minister and leader of the Conservative Party !!!"

Cashier: "Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID."

Cameron: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry Sir but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Cameron: "I am urging you please to cash this cheque."

Cashier: "Look Sir this is what we can do: One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Colin Montgomery and cashed his cheque.

Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the Tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we knew him to be Andy Murray and cashed his cheque..

So, Sir, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Prime Minister ?"

Cameron stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Mr Cameron?"

Last edited by Sherlock Holmes; Mar 27th 2013 at 1:02 am. Reason: Text was posted twice, somehow??
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Old Apr 8th 2013, 12:40 am
  #4  
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Talking Re: Involuntary Muscle Contraction

Genuine advert from people who should know better:


Last edited by Charismatic; Apr 8th 2013 at 12:58 am.
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Old Apr 12th 2013, 9:50 am
  #5  
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Default Re: Involuntary Muscle Contraction

There are two Finns who go to the woods together to visit a very remote fishing spot on a secluded lake.

After a couple of hours walking they find a nice quiet spot near the lake. They cast their lines in and break open a bottle of beer.

Eventually, one says to the other "Nice beer this, isn't it?"

"Are we talking, or drinking" comes the reply.
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