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I think I've made a mistake

I think I've made a mistake

Old Jan 17th 2022, 11:44 pm
  #16  
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Default Re: I think I've made a mistake

Originally Posted by dibdab85 View Post
I'm just really struggling not being able to see my family at the moment.... And this is probably going to sound really silly but i'm really worried about earthquakes and things like that.

We came here for a fresh start for our family. A better work life balance and opportunities for our daughter. And a more relaxed way of life.
I've been here 13 years. 8 in the north island and 5 in the south. In all that time I have never felt a single earthquake. Yes, obviously they do happen, but since the last big one in Christchurch there has been a huge change in building codes and strengthening of existing buildings. It's not something I am ever concerned about and while it's easy to say, my advice would be to not worry about that to much, if at all.

Personally, I don't think there is a better a better place than NZ to raise children. My two were typical British teenager's when I arrived, but in NZ they became much more open, more adventurous and more independent. They are both now overseas. One in the uk put himself through uni and has a masters in journalism, the other lives in Paris and has started his own design and web development business. Neither is particularly wealthy or successful, but both are extremely happy and I have always thought their time in NZ and it's focus on life lessons rather than the UK's results based system, contributed massively to who they are today. I would say in that respect you have made the right choice for your daughter. Children here are allowed to be children for a lot longer than back home where the pressure to grow up fast is huge.

I totally understand the family thing. It's natural to want their support when you're feeling vulnerable or unsure. During one of my low points here, I flew all the way home just to get a hug from my mum...I was 48 years old 🙄. My mum told me I was daft and to get back to NZ and the better life I had here. It's natural to miss them and sometimes the yearning to see them is almost physical, but it passes as things become more settled and familiar.
What you're going through is something most of us have felt at some time or other. It'll pass. 👍


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Old Jan 18th 2022, 12:08 pm
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Default Re: I think I've made a mistake

Originally Posted by SanDiegogirl View Post
People on this forum, who write about struggling because they miss family, are the ones who inevitably return to the UK. If family and friends are important to you before leaving and you don't accept that moving thousands of miles away means you are not going to see them from one year to the next, you are heading for failure.
Search for posts of those who are not happy in US, Australia, NZ etc and the majority are saying how much they miss family .....
You are probably right and this has been mentioned time and time again. It might be the case that 10 people here feel they are better off than they were back home, what is that worth to the person who really misses family? Some people don't like their family/aren't that family orientated and others might not have family, one poster once said that you have to be selfish to make it abroad. For some it's the better job, bigger house, scenery and for others quality of life might just be having a cup of coffee after work with their parents.
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Old Jan 19th 2022, 12:14 am
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Default Re: I think I've made a mistake

they do say, whoever "they" are that to get a feel for a place you do really need to give yourself 2 years.
When you say a 'fresh start" what does that actually mean? was there a problem you are hoping to resolve.
as for more opportunities your daughter, unless she is into sports or dance what opportunities do you mean?

As for better life work balance, thats a myth. you still need to work the opportunities to go to the beach afterwards may be something
you can now possibly do, but believe me unless your daughter loves the beach they soon get bored of it. I have personally feel that
my day to day standard of living here is much lower. As for opportunities for children, my daughter as soon as she finished college
at 17 returned to UK, she came back just before the borders shut here as her job in UK was affected & we didnt want to leave her
in London with the handling of the virus we saw happening. She is now doing Uni online which she can do anywhere.

as for you daughter making friends, hopefully they will come when she starts school, but maybe get husband looking around for clubs
for her to attend. pop to the local library to see if there are any events on.

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Old Jan 19th 2022, 12:25 am
  #19  
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Default Re: I think I've made a mistake

Originally Posted by dibdab85 View Post
I'm just really struggling not being able to see my family at the moment.... And this is probably going to sound really silly but i'm really worried about earthquakes and things like that.

We came here for a fresh start for our family. A better work life balance and opportunities for our daughter. And a more relaxed way of life.
It’s still very early days and a huge upheaval for you so completely natural to worry you’ve made a mistake! I would give it at least a year before you start considering other options, it really does take time. Once you start getting into the swing of things at work (and making work friends) this really will help. Do you have any support here? And will your daughter start school after the summer holidays? Hopefully once she does she’ll start to make friends and feel more at home :-)

I felt like I’d made a mistake when I moved out here in mid-2016 but after going back briefly for a wedding a few months later it made me realise that, although I do desperately miss my family, NZ is the place for me. Hoping things get better for you and the anxiety passes.

As for earthquakes, the only notable one I can remember since I’ve been here was in November 2016 which wasn’t exactly huge (though the aftershocks on the 13th floor of my work building weren’t ideal 😅).Can’t speak for the rest of the country but it seems to me like Wellington Council have become very “earthquake aware” when it comes to their buildings since and are constantly rebuilding/strengthening them. Would it help to make an earthquake kit with things you might need? Being prepared may help you feel less worried?

Last edited by tabbycat; Jan 19th 2022 at 12:43 am.
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Old Jan 19th 2022, 8:11 am
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Default Re: I think I've made a mistake

Originally Posted by dibdab85 View Post
Hi everyone.

I have moved to NZ from the UK with my husband and my daughter. We have been in the country since November 2021 having gone through MIQ etc. However, over the past week I have been experiencing severe anxiety and seriously feel like that this was a mistake. I know we have only been in the country for not even 2 months, but all I can think about is getting back to the UK and my family. Has anyone else felt this way? Has anyone gone back the UK so soon after arriving?

I really don't know what to do. I know at the moment I can't do anything about it as we wouldn't be able to afford to get back.....

Any thoughts, help or input would be greatly appreciated.
We honestly did not even want to unpack our suitcases on our first night in Aus lol it felt so different even strange but to be fair we were in the middle of whoop whoop with very strange noises during the night (outside I might add) the next morning after hardly a wink of sleep we drove to the shops (a bit of a drive) and just looking at people shopping, having a coffee just everyday things helped so we unpacked lol now we did not start to feel really settled until we had our own front door and our boys in a routine which also helped us things just became the norm which at first felt different, some people we knew still missed family even after years away but coped with having visits (if they could afford it) some did not have any choice and just got on with things and some returned home or tried other shores, we stayed and made a good life but we returned to the UK as it’s home for us and we enjoy being home very much so. Long winded I know but try not to stress as much it can make “things” seem much and take time to see how you feel, if NZ is not a “good fit “ for you then return home (if you can) there is nothing wrong in doing so. Good luck and take care
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Old Jan 21st 2022, 9:34 pm
  #21  
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Default Re: I think I've made a mistake

Originally Posted by dibdab85 View Post
.... And this is probably going to sound really silly but i'm really worried about earthquakes and things like that..
They do happen and they are recorded (volcanic activity too) https://www.geonet.org.nz/earthquake so you can make an assessment of how much you need to worry based on facts.


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Old Jan 24th 2022, 11:57 am
  #22  
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Default Re: I think I've made a mistake

Earthquakes.
What exactly are you worried about?
I assume personal injury is top of the list?
As far as I know if you steer clear of the Christchurch area you have very little to worry about.

As it happens we flew in to Christchurch at the end of 2010, after a major earthquake.
September 2010 Earthquake
We checked to see that it was still safe to visit and were strongly reassured.
We were in the North Island when the Big One happened.
2011 Earthquake (Big One)

There were a number of aftershocks whilst we were in Christchurch, and also over Christmas/New Year when we were camping in Akaroa.
None seemed particularly alarming and I don't think anyone was injured.
In fact, the ones in Christchurch reminded us mainly of heavy lorries passing a house, or of the time when we lived in London near to a tube line where you could hear the rumble of the trains passing underground.
[The strongest one we could hear it coming because the roof tiles were rattling with the noise getting closer. That one a picture fell off the wall.]

Others have already posted that they have never experience an earthquake.
So you are very unlikely to experience anything (or anything much) unless you chose to live in a known active area (or are unlucky enough, as with Christchurch to live where a new fault opens).

A risk assessment should show that you should be more worried about Kiwi driving.

I know there are other areas where there is a higher than zero risk and which have experienced smaller quakes over the years, but in the list of things to worry about I think that earthquakes should be pretty low down.
Logic, of course, doesn't always overcome anxiety but you may be searching around for something to worry about which is different from the UK.
Take a deep breath and tell yourself it will be fine.
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Old Jan 27th 2022, 7:26 am
  #23  
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Default Re: I think I've made a mistake

Originally Posted by dibdab85 View Post
I'm just really struggling not being able to see my family at the moment.... And this is probably going to sound really silly but i'm really worried about earthquakes and things like that.

We came here for a fresh start for our family. A better work life balance and opportunities for our daughter. And a more relaxed way of life.
Hi when your stressing and worrying about something we tend to then start worrying about other things that would never cross our minds and it snowballs …. I would try and just take each day as it comes and try and plan something to look forward to at the end of each week, I hope since you have last written you are feeling “better” Take care
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Old Jan 27th 2022, 9:24 pm
  #24  
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Default Re: I think I've made a mistake

When we first arrived in 2011, we were made homeless after the 23rd December earthquake red stickered the place we lived

2 months in and already homeless. What have we done? That's when we realised everything shuts down and it was nigh on impossible to find a new place. We had the lovely experience of staying in the car for a night until we jetted off to Australia to be with my cousin

It wasn't until I went back in 2015 for a week that turned out to be a big mistake that I longed to go home. I then went back for my brothers wedding in 2019 and in the nicest way, I'm glad i'm not there anymore.

Its not been easy not being able to see family the past few years but you'll get used to it eventually as tough as it is. Just try not to listen to Doctor Doomsday

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Old Feb 12th 2022, 3:20 am
  #25  
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Default Re: I think I've made a mistake

Originally Posted by dibdab85 View Post
I'm just really struggling not being able to see my family at the moment.... And this is probably going to sound really silly but i'm really worried about earthquakes and things like that.

We came here for a fresh start for our family. A better work life balance and opportunities for our daughter. And a more relaxed way of life.
Hi I’m a UK Expat, moved to Ashburton, SI in 2005.

I’m not going to give you a rose tinted view, but an honest one of our experience of NZ life.

Firstly I feel your pain…my first impressions were “what the hell have we done” “why have we brought our 3 babies here”

Everything felt strange, from the supermarket shop to the school run. And still 16yrs on I still haven’t adjusted to a summery Christmas…it’s just a holiday.

Saying that we have stayed 16 years and are only now just seriously considering moving back to the UK, NZ has changed and we don’t feel like we belong here. We miss the things still that just don’t feel like home.

Before we came to NZ I made a deal with myself that I was at peace knowing that I may never see my family again!

I’ve been back to the UK twice, when my dear mum died in 2009. And the 2nd time to bring my dad over for a 1 month stay in 2014.

To be absolutely honest, we lived through the “big noticeable Earthquakes”, it was a scary time and we do feel the odd shake now.

Every now and then the adverts come up on TV about Emergeny Preparedness for the “Big One” the “Alpine Fault” and I worry there is something “they’re” not telling us…but then it passes and forget about it. Earthquakes do have to be a consideration wherever you live in NZ due to the country’s location, Mother Nature holds the cards.

Our kids had a good childhood, lots of outdoor adventures, but probably no more than what we would have enjoyed in the UK with them, to be honest, holidays have been NZ based, we couldn’t afford going overseas.

They probably did not receive the best education here in my opinion.

Foods expensive and so is power, we both have worked and still work, full time and never less than a 40hr week to make ends meet, not the laid back, work life balance we expected.

Our son moved to Europe 5yrs ago, we’ve not seen him since he left. Miss him very much. COVID cannot be blamed for not seeing him, my OH doesn’t want to go back to Europe as he probably won’t want to return to NZ.

We have 2 adult daughters here in NZ and we hope they will return to the UK with us if we can go, everything hinges on them and if our finances allow us to live a decent life back in the UK 🇬🇧 especially as we are heading towards our pre-retirement years!

I wish you & your family well and I hope you feel a bit more relaxed soon, especially when you stuff arrives. Give it 6 months and if you still feel unsettled then speak seriously with your OH and make a plan 😊
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Old Feb 12th 2022, 3:34 am
  #26  
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Default Re: I think I've made a mistake

Originally Posted by LittleGreyCat View Post
Earthquakes.
What exactly are you worried about?
I assume personal injury is top of the list?
As far as I know if you steer clear of the Christchurch area you have very little to worry about.

As it happens we flew in to Christchurch at the end of 2010, after a major earthquake.
September 2010 Earthquake
We checked to see that it was still safe to visit and were strongly reassured.
We were in the North Island when the Big One happened.
2011 Earthquake (Big One)

There were a number of aftershocks whilst we were in Christchurch, and also over Christmas/New Year when we were camping in Akaroa.
None seemed particularly alarming and I don't think anyone was injured.
In fact, the ones in Christchurch reminded us mainly of heavy lorries passing a house, or of the time when we lived in London near to a tube line where you could hear the rumble of the trains passing underground.
[The strongest one we could hear it coming because the roof tiles were rattling with the noise getting closer. That one a picture fell off the wall.]

Others have already posted that they have never experience an earthquake.
So you are very unlikely to experience anything (or anything much) unless you chose to live in a known active area (or are unlucky enough, as with Christchurch to live where a new fault opens).

A risk assessment should show that you should be more worried about Kiwi driving.

I know there are other areas where there is a higher than zero risk and which have experienced smaller quakes over the years, but in the list of things to worry about I think that earthquakes should be pretty low down.
Logic, of course, doesn't always overcome anxiety but you may be searching around for something to worry about which is different from the UK.
Take a deep breath and tell yourself it will be fine.
I live 70k south of Christchurch and with respect can assure you that the two biggest quakes are an indicator of the risks associated with Earthquakes in NZ. In my opinion Earthquakes should be taken seriously and not given the kiwi “she’ll be right” attitude, because unless you’ve lived through it I don’t feel you can give an informed opinion of how fearful it can be.

I do agree that being worried about kiwi driving should be high on the risk list too! 😬
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Old Feb 12th 2022, 6:33 am
  #27  
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Default Re: I think I've made a mistake

Tough one in terns of road safety and earthquakes.

We term SH60 as death road. It is so bad all round and we are not the only ones that use this term.

Quakes? I find them nasty. My flight or fight doesn't allow for them. It shudders or clunks or rumbles , I am up and ready for a flight . I hate them. My husband though , his reaction is different. He just waits. Waits for what I am not sure but waits. Me . I gather my stuff and my animals and I am ready.

We obvs have been here for the Xch quakes. We are around the Nelson area and none of them were fun at all. We were miles away. I slept on our lounge floor for several nights after Xch as we have a 2 storey house and that night I could not properly get down our stairs because they slewed from side to side. We were nowhere near the epicentre. We sat outside watching concrete water tanks move and not in a good way.

We took in families from Xch and any clunk or bang made them jump badly - even the dog. It is the real deal and not to be messed with.

Kaikoura was no better and we were not in the epicentre or that close for that either. Was horrible. So yes. Do not underestimate how a quake will make you react or feel. What damage will happen - as happened to our house.

Choose with care and choose with thought.
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Old Mar 7th 2022, 6:16 am
  #28  
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Default Re: I think I've made a mistake

I do hope you’re feeling less stressed out now. We came out to NZ in 2004 with 3 pre teens who have all settled here and call it home. I, however haven’t settled here, and it was all my idea to come, so i’ve never really admitted it to my husband, it would be the end of our relationship. I had loads of friends and family when we left 18 years ago. I can honestly say i have no friends here and I really hate it. I’m desperate to go ‘home’, but it’s all too late as i couldn’t leave my kids here and miss out on the rest of their lives. My advice, for what it’s worth is go now before it’s too late to undo everything. Go home and enjoy everything the UK has to offer, there’s precious little here except some good views.
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Old Mar 7th 2022, 5:23 pm
  #29  
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Default Re: I think I've made a mistake

Originally Posted by kiakaha View Post
I do hope you’re feeling less stressed out now. We came out to NZ in 2004 with 3 pre teens who have all settled here and call it home. I, however haven’t settled here, and it was all my idea to come, so i’ve never really admitted it to my husband, it would be the end of our relationship. I had loads of friends and family when we left 18 years ago. I can honestly say i have no friends here and I really hate it. I’m desperate to go ‘home’, but it’s all too late as i couldn’t leave my kids here and miss out on the rest of their lives. My advice, for what it’s worth is go now before it’s too late to undo everything. Go home and enjoy everything the UK has to offer, there’s precious little here except some good views.
If you can't make a friend in 18 years there's something wrong with you. Kiwis aren't aliens, they're real friendly folk.

If you leave you're not missing your kids lives. They're adults, they fly the nest anyway. What would you do if they moved away or overseas ?

Keeping secrets from a spouse. That's seriously not healthy for anyone


Last edited by Justcol; Mar 7th 2022 at 5:33 pm.
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Old Mar 7th 2022, 6:49 pm
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Default Re: I think I've made a mistake

Originally Posted by Justcol View Post
If you can't make a friend in 18 years there's something wrong with you. Kiwis aren't aliens, they're real friendly folk.

If you leave you're not missing your kids lives. They're adults, they fly the nest anyway. What would you do if they moved away or overseas ?

Keeping secrets from a spouse. That's seriously not healthy for anyone
Wow that’s quite judgmental…I’ve been here 16 years and haven’t made any “real friends” either..I have acquaintances, that’s all.

If I left NZ today I quite honestly could say there isn’t anyone particularly that I’d miss!

I’ve put it down to not being able to connect on a personal level with kiwis, I thought when we first came here that we are similar peoples, my local people don’t get me, my heritage, my humour. I’m sick of being call a “Pom”.

I have 3 adult kids, 2 in NZ, 1 in Europe and I’m struggling living my two girls here and not being in their lives..,as I miss not being in my sons life in Europe. It’s really hard, and no one knows how hard until they’ve lived it.



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