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husband going first :(((

husband going first :(((

Old Sep 22nd 2014, 4:01 pm
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Default husband going first :(((

hello everyone,
just wondering if anyone has experienced there spouses going to nz before you and the children? he goes next monday leaving me to finish off with the sale of our home and packers etc etc! i have 3 children, 4 months, 5 and 11, and if im being honest im completely and utterly terrified! all my family live in nz too so i have no family support and i dont know where to start. if any one has experienced this please would you let me know how you found it? he is also going to be working in aucks and we r buying in tauranga so we will be apart 4/7 days. i so sorry if this is a very moany post, i would just like to hear others experiences.

many many thanks
gem x
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Old Sep 22nd 2014, 7:48 pm
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Default Re: husband going first :(((

mine went off in September and we went over the following January. we hadn't even started the house selling process when he left as he was meant to be coming back after 3 weeks but got a job offer and started so did not return. He had it easy I was the one left to organise everything with the kids, house, booking our flights, organising Christmas, cancelling everything, leaving parties, leaving school etc etc. Least it kept me busy.

What is your biggest fear about him going on first?
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Old Sep 22nd 2014, 7:53 pm
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Default Re: husband going first :(((

Originally Posted by MrsFychan View Post
mine went off in September and we went over the following January. we hadn't even started the house selling process when he left as he was meant to be coming back after 3 weeks but got a job offer and started so did not return. He had it easy I was the one left to organise everything with the kids, house, booking our flights, organising Christmas, cancelling everything, leaving parties, leaving school etc etc. Least it kept me busy.

What is your biggest fear about him going on first?
thanks so much for ur reply! wow! thats a hell of a long time to be alone and sorting everything out! well done to u! i think im really worried about us being parted. been married for 9 years and not so much as spent one night apart. il miss him terribly. hes my best friend (without sounding awfully cheesey!) did you find it difficult? did it get easier as time went on? how are you liking nz? was it worth all the stress? thank you for taking the time to reply xx
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Old Sep 22nd 2014, 9:15 pm
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Default Re: husband going first :(((

it wasn't something I could change so just had to get on with it. at times was awful, one instance my smallest dog was attacked and killed by another dog in the park and I had to deal with all that, the court case the police and everything.
Our first house sale fell through on completion date but we had already booked the packers and flights out so had to go ahead and just leave the house empty and in the hands of the estate, wasn't something I could change so just had to get on with it. then the down stair toilet leaked and the surveyor for the new buyer found it so that caused a few weeks on tense negotiations being on the other side of the world and trying to sort trades and appease the new buyer but all worked out ok in the end and we got more money than the first potential buyer.

I haven't had a great time being here to be perfectly honest, kids first school was horrendous (ending with me reporting them to the Education Minister, authority and anyone else I felt needed to be told), the first house bought was in the area of the school so that put a damper on that and the fact that the rest of the people living there knew how bad the school was and just can't be arsed to go out of their way to get their kids a better environment to learn in. more than 1/2 of one class that I know have private tuition to keep the kids up to a reasonable level.

On a day to day basis its harder to be honest, husband works longer hours, on the same sort of wage he was getting in the UK but things in the main are more expensive here, schooling was a major problem but fingers crossed got that one covered now - had to move and that cost but hey ho have to make the kids safe - the houses are lets say need work to come up to my standard of living - which again costs - .

I wasn't unhappy in the UK it was my husband who wanted to move so maybe I have a bit of resentment as my life was a lot easier in the UK so maybe biased on the not so happy brigade but hopefully people see that I post a true account of how things are for me and how I feel about them and not just bashing one thing or another for the sake of it.

I'm not sure I want to be here long term, diving under furniture and the possibility of the big one coming to Wellington any time, luckily didn't feel the 5.5 quake last night, sits in the back of my brain and the older I get the less likely I feel I want to keep it there.

Other people love it and have had no problems. from my view point those that have travelled more than me or have family over here seem to settle quicker. The country is beautiful but then again so are parts of the UK.

How long will you be apart ? I did send out husband cards, he had a birthday over here, and posted him silly things to his work place and skype was ok, you get by and in the scheme of things it wasn't that long
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Old Sep 22nd 2014, 9:47 pm
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Default Re: husband going first :(((

Originally Posted by MrsFychan View Post
it wasn't something I could change so just had to get on with it. at times was awful, one instance my smallest dog was attacked and killed by another dog in the park and I had to deal with all that, the court case the police and everything.
Our first house sale fell through on completion date but we had already booked the packers and flights out so had to go ahead and just leave the house empty and in the hands of the estate, wasn't something I could change so just had to get on with it. then the down stair toilet leaked and the surveyor for the new buyer found it so that caused a few weeks on tense negotiations being on the other side of the world and trying to sort trades and appease the new buyer but all worked out ok in the end and we got more money than the first potential buyer.

I haven't had a great time being here to be perfectly honest, kids first school was horrendous (ending with me reporting them to the Education Minister, authority and anyone else I felt needed to be told), the first house bought was in the area of the school so that put a damper on that and the fact that the rest of the people living there knew how bad the school was and just can't be arsed to go out of their way to get their kids a better environment to learn in. more than 1/2 of one class that I know have private tuition to keep the kids up to a reasonable level.

On a day to day basis its harder to be honest, husband works longer hours, on the same sort of wage he was getting in the UK but things in the main are more expensive here, schooling was a major problem but fingers crossed got that one covered now - had to move and that cost but hey ho have to make the kids safe - the houses are lets say need work to come up to my standard of living - which again costs - .

I wasn't unhappy in the UK it was my husband who wanted to move so maybe I have a bit of resentment as my life was a lot easier in the UK so maybe biased on the not so happy brigade but hopefully people see that I post a true account of how things are for me and how I feel about them and not just bashing one thing or another for the sake of it.

I'm not sure I want to be here long term, diving under furniture and the possibility of the big one coming to Wellington any time, luckily didn't feel the 5.5 quake last night, sits in the back of my brain and the older I get the less likely I feel I want to keep it there.

Other people love it and have had no problems. from my view point those that have travelled more than me or have family over here seem to settle quicker. The country is beautiful but then again so are parts of the UK.

How long will you be apart ? I did send out husband cards, he had a birthday over here, and posted him silly things to his work place and skype was ok, you get by and in the scheme of things it wasn't that long
crumbs! you sound like you really have had a time of it, and im so very sorry for you. i feel very silly now for worrying about how things will go as im sure they wont be as bad as you have had it. especially as i dont have a dog absolutely terrible thing to go through.

im very worried about the cost of everything, it seems so very expensive and i we have to pay out for husbands room each week on top of what me and kids will need for living. i will be staying long term as we have spent far too much money on this being a short term option. im worried about the kids schools, how different they are and how my english kids will fit into kiwi life and make friends. would you consider moving else in the country? BOP is lovely. thats where il end up. have you made many friends in nz?
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Old Sep 22nd 2014, 11:08 pm
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Default Re: husband going first :(((

don't think we would move anywhere else now we have made one move as daughter is now settled into college - lucky was able to move her on a year early as she really was bored at the previous place. We found for my eldest 11 when we came the education was not to her liking and as I said she was the one that instigated the need to move, despite all the other problems with the school, as she said she was not learning anything. she was used to the UK system and found the more causal way of doing things here very slow and boring. My youngest, six, when we arrived not having spent a lot of time in the UK system faired better but he is more sport orientated than academic, unlike daughter, but again the first school was lacking in education standard and the move to new school has been beneficial.

The cost of things do vary, to be honest its the lack of choice and then the cost of things that is annoying.

With me and the kids being left in the UK, we told out mortgage company that my husband had left me (well he had technically) as they would not allow us to have a mortgage holiday as we were putting the house on the market, so I stopped paying the mortgage and it just came off after the house sale. also changed the council tax to single adult. We were lucky in the fact that MIL leant us some money which again was paid back once the house was sold.

Yes made some lovely friends but the close ones are/have been members of BE and then some kiwi friends through them, the few kiwi friends I did make in the previous location really have not really followed us on the move even though we have only moved 1/2 hr up the road and I still work in the area.
all rather parochial and that was said by a few people living there and does sum the area up well.

so how long will you be away from your husband? do you work? do you have friends that can help?
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Old Sep 23rd 2014, 2:42 am
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Default Re: husband going first :(((

Hugs

We were going to go this but thankfully at the last minute I was able to come at same time I have 1 and 2 yr old.

A lot of people do it. It's a few months then u have the rest of your lives
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Old Sep 23rd 2014, 3:57 am
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Default Re: husband going first :(((

Hi there.

I just thought I'd put my two-penneth in as well. My wife came to NZ 2 months before my daughter and I as she had found a job at the CCDHB. We didn't have a house to sell (I was leaving the RAF and we lived in married quarters) but I did have everything else to sort out (shipping, pet transport, etc).

I was grateful I had lots to arrange as it kept my mind occupied and having a 5 year old also helped! You say you've never been apart? I know it will be tough for you, but I imagine it will be difficult for your husband as well. My wife hated being away from our daughter (as I mentioned, I'm ex-RAF so have spent months away from home at a time in the past and you do get used to it). But she also had housing to arrange, car to buy, schools to check out, etc and that's tough enough in a country you know, never mind one you have just arrived in.

The time will fly by, especially with all the arrangements you'll be sorting out. You'll laugh about it one day! (maybe)

Good luck with everything.
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Old Sep 23rd 2014, 5:09 am
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Default Re: husband going first :(((

We had to do the opposite. I came over here with the kids before my visa expired and he stayed in London to work his three months notice.

It was extremely hard being in a new country sorting out schools, rentals, container etc, but we do have family here who helped me. The kids took their time settling of course but they were used to my OH working long hours so it wasn't much different for them in that regard.

He still works long hours, with some travel and commutes into Wellington but earns more than he did in London. The kids coped well with a change of school system and continue to do well but have way more freedom than they did where we were living in the UK.

Look at it as a temporary situation, he'll have plenty of stuff to sort out here in a new country and hopefully have everything set up for when you arrive.
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Old Sep 23rd 2014, 7:55 am
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Default Re: husband going first :(((

My husband went back to the UK earlier this year and then I joined him 3 months later. Our grown children were also in the UK. It was scary as we had come to NZ together and then I was on my own.
I learnt:
I have great friends here who really rallied around me and looked after me.
I especially enjoyed having sole control of the NZ bank account and bought lots of treats and had a few girls weekends away....
I don't comfort eat!
Skype is a life saver.

It is really tough being apart but you do get into a pattern and time flies.
We live in Tauranga too!
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Old Sep 23rd 2014, 8:30 pm
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Default Re: husband going first :(((

You are headed for a beautiful part of NZ. Am sure a walk up Mount Maunganui and dinner at Mount Bistro will help you to forget the upheaval and all it entails.
Good luck!
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Old Sep 23rd 2014, 8:43 pm
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Default Re: husband going first :(((

i really must get fit after having my baby 4 months ago, so getting my tubby bottom up the mount again will be a huge achievement! i was married on mount beach so it has very special in my heart. after a year my hubs can apply for residence so hopefully we will get it and he can find a job a little closer to home x
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Old Sep 23rd 2014, 9:33 pm
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Default Re: husband going first :(((

My baby has just turned one here. I said I'd get fit but a month in I'm still eating crap lol. But the gym has a crèche on for an hour in the morning whoop.around here people are generally have a v healthy lifestyle so it helps.
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Old Sep 23rd 2014, 9:41 pm
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Default Re: husband going first :(((

every time i go on holiday i end up in my mums toilet crying for half an hour because i realise looking at all the young fit ladys on the beach, how awful i actually look! its easy to cover up here!!! and its nearly summer there, oh god!!!! xx
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Old Sep 24th 2014, 12:13 am
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Default Re: husband going first :(((

Moans are fine. Life isn't all a bed of roses is it.

I was left to sleep on a pal's floor with nothing but a suitcase of bits and bobs to finish the nightmare of a house sale for 3 months when husband went off to start the new NZ life by himself.

I had no kids to contend with though but I did have my old Dad who hated that I was going .

It was a bit tough to be honest but needed to be done.

I read that your immediate family are already in NZ so I do hope you have some quality friends to help you through. They need to give you a good send off when the time comes too.
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