penelopelee

Hi,

I am new (joined today) so thought I would kick it off with a post! This post has a couple of different bits, so will fill you in.

I am a kiwi and my husband is a Brit. I was living in the UK for 10 years and we have now immigrated to NZ, the idea of it being a permanent move. We are both finding it really hard to settle down here. We arrived in NZ on 04.12, and down to Wellington (where we will stay) on 11.12.

I was lucky enough to be offered a job when I arrived, though my husband is still looking. We are finding it hard to keep our morale up, as we are feeling really unsettled. My husband feels like he will never get a job, and is feeling low about it.

We also would love to meet new friends, but not really sure how to go about it. I have some very close friends here, but my husband doesn't really know anyone, so we are both keen to meet new people.

We like NZ, and have strong ties here cos of my family, but are really hoping we haven't made a mistake in coming here.

Anyone have any tips on keeping morale up, and meeting new people? How have other Brits got on doing the same thing?

BEVS

Hi there and welcome to the New Zealand forum.

My first thought is that this is quite a hard time of year for finding work because of the Christmas and New Year shut down. Many firms will not be thinking about hiring until after January .


It is easy to say but it is very early days. You are both bound to feel a bit topsy turvy right now.

TommyLuck

Hi there and welcome.

I'm a Brit, my wife like you was (is) a returning Kiwi.

In terms of work, I essentially moved within the company I work for from London to Auckland, although I technically resigned from the London job and then was offered the Auckland job at a later date.

When I got to New Zealand in July 2013, I did spend a significant amount of time looking for jobs and being interviewed and being offered other roles. As BEVS says above this time of year isn't really a great time to look as most people and business are starting to filter back to work and recruitment probably isn't at the forefront of people minds.

I would recommend firing out CV's all over the place to recruitment consultants and to businesses in the industry your husband wants to work in. I would also recommend your husband goes about New Zealand-ising his CV. In general terms CV's here seem to hold much more detail!!

When all is told, depending on your finances it might transpire that your husband having the summer "off" mightn't be a bad thing although this does really on an income stream at some point.


As for settling in; on arriving in New Zealand I immediately started playing Rugby and lined up a Cricket team to play for the following summer. Since then I have joined a fishing club and have also gained my SCUBA diving certificate.

Rugby and Cricket are sports I've played forever, so I went to join a bunch of like minded people doing that. Made some friends.

Fishing and SCUBA diving I am a novice at, but they are perhaps more Kiwi pastimes than they are of the average Brit and it was a way to meet new people doing and learning something new. Again, I've made some friends.

Take a look at your existing interests and join clubs or groups that also enjoy that interest.

Perhaps consider doing something new that the UK doesn't or didn't offer in quite the same way as NZ does.

To my mind it's all about finding a common interest with people and opportunities and friendships grow from there ... maybe even a job opportunity ... ?

Alternatively websites like meetup.com might give you some ideas.

Mark Smith

Meet up is a great place to start as mentioned above. Maybe look at service clubs, Rotary, Lions or Round Table. Other clubs such as Toastmasters are very active over here. Neighbourly.co.nz might be another website worth looking at.

moving2NZ2013

Hi

Did you come to nz last month. 4th dec?
If so it takes a while to settle in. I'm nearly 5 months in and some days I still struggle.
Also the time of year. It's been Christmas and I have found it incredible difficult. I feel better now I have that out the way.

Get yourselves involved in the community. Volunteer to help out on community days and get yourself into sports.i find it difficult to make friends other than English ones. The culture is very different and sometimes I find it hard as a lot don't seem to have the same English sense of humour.

Give yourself time x

Snap Shot

Yep, I know what that feels like. Yesterday I got my most recent turn down for a job I was interviewed for last week. The job went to the internal candidate. Who knew ?

All that interview preparation which includes the mental preparation too for nothing it seems. I can't help but feel there wasn't really a job there at all as the internal candidate was already in-situ albeit in another department. The job was only for six months but it would have been better than no job.

I'm British. My husband is a kiwi. We had got married and had lived in Britain for 17 years. We arrived in NZ in February 2011, neither of us had a job. Fortunately my husband was offered a job in July 2011 and we moved to Wanganui. I haven't had a permanent job in all the years we've been in New Zealand.

I've applied for hundreds of jobs in the four years we've lived here, been for maybe, a couple of dozen interviews in that time.

I've had four temporary jobs. First one for four weeks from an employment agency, we were living in Christchurch at the time in 2011.

I was then unemployed for a year despite looking and applying for every job that came up in my, 'skill set' or anywhere even near it. This upset me greatly. I had never, ever been unemployed for more than 3 months is Britain. Claim unemployment benefit in NZ ? As a kiwi, you know the score on that one.

My next job in August 2012 was for five months, it was admin on a short term project.

I was then out of work for all of 2013. I did voluntary work so I could at least feel useful. It also meant I could get a reference so I could account for that year on my cv.

The majority of my time was still spent filling out job application forms, getting ready for interviews or just deal with the almost daily turn downs for a job I've applied for either with or without interview. There are few people who understand just how undermined one feels from constant rejection for jobs with no end in sight.

January 2014 to March 2014 I got a couple of months archiving work. A manager where my husband works needed the work done and asked my husband if I would be interested. I applied for a temporary admin and customer services job there in December but got turned down. That gives the lie to it's not what you know, it's who you know.

May 2014 to October 2014 temporary job from an employment agency based in Wellington. It entailed driving from Wanganui to Palmerston North and back each day for work but, again, better than nothing. I got an excellent personal reference from the boss I worked for. The employment agency is based in Wellington as that's where the employing company's national office is, they said it's rare for them to get jobs that far out of Wellington.

Local employment agencies are the sum total of useless. I've been so desperate to find work I applied to be a mystery shopper. Against my better judgement I submitted my bank account details as part of the application process. I didn't hear back from them. My bank account hasn't been hacked either.

That's what desperation does to you !

So, here I am. As I remarked above, my most recent turn down was yesterday and I'm getting bored of this game. I feel emotionally bruised again. My self esteem is on the floor again. I feel scared that I just can't seem to get a job. That I just don't have it anymore. Whatever, 'it' is/was.

I do voluntary work for St John's Ambulance driving the Health Shuttle but that's just because I've got time on my hands. My main focus is looking for work and applying for jobs.

Tomorrow I will go to our library as they want volunteers to repair the books. They also want volunteers to put the loaned books back on the bookshelves at the library. That's a trusted job for prisoners in some prison libraries isn't it ?

Other people have different or better luck than me. I only know my story.

P.S. part of me wishes I lived in Wellington there's lots of admin jobs advertised there. A move is unlikely to happen as my husband is the main (only) salary earner. New Zealand is a joke but I'm not laughing.

penelopelee

Thanks for all the help and tips so far. I have now joined Meetup and am hoping to meet some people through some of the groups.

Snap shot, I'm really sorry to hear your story, I wish it was a better experience for you.

I am really trying to stay positive, so would love to hear any positive stories from anyone. Moving2NZ2013, yes, we arrived last month. I know it is really early, but some days it is hard to understand why you left a life you were comfortable in and put yourself into a position where you feel unsettled and out of place. My husband feels like a fish out of water, espeically with the sense of humour thing you have mentioned!

Bevs and TommyLuck, thanks for the encouragement. I have to keep reminding myself it is just early days, and things will improve. Some days you want to admit defeat, and go back to the UK, but I still feel in the long run NZ is a better option for us.

I will keep thinking positive, I am sure things will improve!

scrubbedexpat094

to BE Penelope and especially to our small but perfectly formed NZ forum .

I think many of us will have been in your position at one time or other and it's particularly difficult for your husband. As has already been pointed out, this is not the best time of year to be looking for work but it will pick up. Maybe we can help. What does your husband do and what is he looking for? Same thing or something different?

Accept all invitations and try new things. We got involved in our local theatre helping out backstage etc. Lots of fun and we now have our theatre family. They are mostly Kiwis, so struggle with our sense of humour but we have lots of English friends too.

I have mixed feelings about living here, some days it's great and I love it, other days I wonder what possessed us. That's after 8 years of living here. Trouble is I want the best of both NZ and the UK!

It is early days and what you have done is hugely stressful, so give yourselves a break and be gentle on yourselves. Try and arrange some fun things to do and go to those meet-ups ;-)

MrsFychan

Welcome Penelope, we are up on the Kapiti Coast, Waikanae. Where abouts are you?
I have a a lovely group of Brits that I have met through BE so there are the people out there you just need to ask.

I have been here since Jan 2012 and am only now after moving into our 3rd, second mortgaged house, feeling like I might start to enjoy it, but it has meant me giving up the part time job I had and removing the kids from one awful school to others and as I say moving out of one area to another with us taking a loss on the sale of property but my sanity meant more than money.

What does your partner do? has he got a Linkedin profile? if you want to met up anytime just give me a shout and we can see what we can arrange if you are not to far from Kapiti.

bourbon-biscuit

Hi Penelope, welcome to BE and to its nicest bit, the NZ forum

I second all the advice above about time of year, Kiwising CVs, activlely seeking out friendships, etc.

I know this doesn't help right now but you are less than two months into 'settling', which is *very* early days indeed. The figure that is often cited for time to settle and integrate is about three years. Some people get there earlier, some later and some never get there but most agree the first year is a tough roller coaster of emotions and experiences, even if the process is straightforward and positive.

the best way to settle fast is to put down roots. As your husband is the Brit his need right now is greater so can you think of anything hobby wise or interest wise that he could join and get involved in that would help him settle? also, volunteer work is such a good way to get involved and bide time until work can be found.

Lastly, although I know this is very tough, if at all possible you and your husband should make an agreement not to evaluate and compare for the first year or even six months. This is because it is quite psychologically difficult to live life in a constant state of critique and evaluation and doesn't give you the chance to build the foundations of a life. I learned this the hard way so I offer this advice with the best of intentions Settling after emigrating is tough but I promise you that ping ponging is tougher, so take your time, give yourselves te space and time you need to recover from the emigration and find your feet here. Good luck

jmh

I think you are experiencing a bit of reverse culture shock. Here's an article I found interesting:

The sharp shock of returning home | I was an expat wife

We underestimate how difficult it can be to be a returning expat (I was one too). It's not helped by your husband's worry about getting a job. He'll feel more settled once he is heading off to work every day.

One thing I would counsel against is making quick decisions. It helped me to remind myself about how long it took to fit in, get the right job, and make friends when I travelled to the UK. The reverse takes just as long, so plan to stay for about the same period so you can be sure that you have given it a good shot. And maybe remind yourself of what it is that you want from NZ. Chances are, it's still there. Maybe it's you that has changed.

Tom H

One thing I have noted being here for 3 years is this - don't act desperate when making friends

If a New Zealander wants to become friends with you, they will. However, they have this attitude of taking things slowly. If you suddenly invite them over for dinner etc, you may be sending out the impression that your desperate and the general consensus is they don't like that. They'd rather take their time to get to know you before the commencement of popping in for evening dinner etc. Most approachable and friendly - yes Kiwis generally are but if you make advances faster than they want, that's when they stand back

By all means join communities etc but be yourselves!

dannigirl

Hi there!

Just relying to your post because this was me two years ago! I am a kiwi too, lived in London for 10+ years before returning to NZ with my British husband and two children.

I was desperately homesick for about four years before returning to NZ, the homesickness definitely started after I had my first child....I just felt that pull home.

We researched and planned till the cows came home and finally touched down in NZ Jan 1st 2013. It took about 8 weeks for the first wobble to hit me. I was experiencing a bit of culture shock and missing our large extended family here. The "people" sickness only increased and whilst I felt happy in New Zealand (like really happy and finally felt like my old self) it was difficult settling in and once a negative seed was planted it felt like it spiralled. It was a hard transition going from London to Dunedin, but we knew we didn't want to be in Auckland (nor could we probably afford to live there given the price of housing). I love the South Island but the drop in population and isolation was a big shock.

I thought I was prepared for the reverse culture shock but it hit me in ways that I never expected. It felt like all the awful bits of kiwi culture in your face at one time. But the hardest thing for me to cope with was grieving people, and one day I just thought to myself "why are we grieving people who are alive" and we promptly made plans to return to the UK.

It totally felt right at the time....we had a couple of big events to come back to in the UK (a wedding and a baby arriving) and we arrived back just in time for Christmas in the UK. We spent 10 months in NZ.

Almost instantly I realised it was a big mistake, not a wobble this time, but a mistake. We have persevered as we have two children to consider. Don't get me wrong we have a great life here, have excellent jobs, could afford to buy a nice house, able to go on holiday, have extended family around us, although we don't see them as much as we would like as they are busy with their own lives...it's just not the same. I just long to be home again. We miss NZ and what it can offer us as a family with young children - especially in terms of education. We are in Wales and unfortunately the education system is a bit of a mess at the moment. My daughter is in a very urban school and whilst it is an improving school it is still quite grim. Thankfully it has a good community spirit and we have met some amazing people through the school, so it's not all bad. Our day to day life is fine, we have a good work/life balance but there is something missing.

For me, upon reflection, and I think I did raise this in a previous post (I can't bear to look at them now to see where my head was at! ) I was grieving, which I found hard to believe as it isn't even my family and I was at home with my family in NZ at last! Weird!! It triggered all sorts of feelings and some personal baggage which I won't go into here.

Ultimately the move has been somewhat positive, it has allowed us to basically double our stake money to bring to NZ. We have managed to buy back our old house in NZ and will make the move back this year sometime. We have really enjoyed being back with family, but it has also cemented that we are our own little unit and we have to be selfish and put our needs first (which we haven't always done 100%). Where we are living is quite similar to NZ in lots of ways, so I think the transition will not be as difficult. We are committed to Dunedin as it makes much more sense for us at the moment than anywhere else, but we'll see how we go and would be prepared to move in NZ if required.

I am hoping by being aware of missing people that we will manage it better. Unfortunately we have the curse of the expat and we will forever miss something, but we want to live in NZ. I just hope we have a more settled experience this time, we can't keep ping ponging...eventually we'll be bankrupt.

Take your time and don't make any rash decisions. Think about the long term. It takes time to settle back into NZ. I felt very British and isolated in my own country and am sure I will again but I also need to take time to settle back in again. What is your gut telling you?

It is hard on our spouses but it also takes time to build up connections and friendships. You do just need to get out there and explore new things, say yes to all invitations. Remember we kiwis socialise differently, invite people over for dinner/drinks at home, join clubs.

Hopefully the job element will come, it must be so disheartening. You've just got to remember that it is a much smaller market, fingers crossed!


Please feel free to PM if you want to chat, I know exactly what you are going through. Learn from my mistake, give it more time.

All the best!

moonie2011

Hi not sure if you have kids or not, I also live in wellington, Papakowhai so happy to meet up if you want
If you do Facebook there are some great community sites where you can meet people, introduce yourself, there will be plenty of people on there who have been in the same position as you. In wellington there is mums in the city and uk parents in wellington. Even if you are not a parent then I'm sure they will welcome you. Introduce yourself. Pm me and we'll arrange something
We have been here 20mths and feel mostly settled but the first year is hard and very up and down. Keep going it's a good place to live

Chocoholics

Hang in there! My OH was in exactly the same situation as yours - looking for first job this time of year - it was really depressing at the time and we almost went back to the UK. Glad we didn't though as it turned out o.k. in the end. We've met lots of Brits who had to wait a small while to land their first job so not unusual. Hope it all works out o.k. for you both.