How do you get past the guilt?
May 7th 2013, 8:40 am
#16
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Joined: Jun 2010
Location: Peterborough, Cambridgeshire
Posts: 2,744
Re: How do you get past the guilt?
Yeah, our savings look more like the contents of a young child's money box as well !
May 7th 2013, 12:16 pm
#17
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Jan 2009
Location: Whangaparaoa
Posts: 458
Re: How do you get past the guilt?
We always knew emigration would be bound to have lots of obstacles and we have just reached the next one which has properly made us wobble.
We've always felt that we don't have a very strong family here holding us back. We each have one living parent who love us but are fairly arms length in terms of how much time they want to spend with us, and everyone is very happy being wrapped up in their own lives. I have one sister who lives a few hours away, my OH has none. Extended family has broken up a bit in recent years. We don't have much in the way of a support network. So while we're sad to leave them behind, we could rationalise it.
We first started openly saying we were looking into emigrating two years ago. Everyone had all that time to object, at which we MAY have said ok lets leave it. But now it is totally ingrained into our hopes and dreams. And now we've told everyone it is now when rather than if, there has suddenly been this outpouring of guilt inducing emotion that everybody will be totally devastated if we leave, that we have to live our lives but that the people we are leaving will be in pieces.
I am angry - why couldn't they tell us two years ago instead of not batting an eyelid about it. Or why couldn't they make more of an effort in our lives so we had some way of knowing they cared so much. I do believe family is more important than anything in the world which is why i am now wobbling badly. But the thought of cancelling these amazing plans at this stage just seems unthinkable.
It seems like the two options are devastation or devastation. How did you all get past this?
We've always felt that we don't have a very strong family here holding us back. We each have one living parent who love us but are fairly arms length in terms of how much time they want to spend with us, and everyone is very happy being wrapped up in their own lives. I have one sister who lives a few hours away, my OH has none. Extended family has broken up a bit in recent years. We don't have much in the way of a support network. So while we're sad to leave them behind, we could rationalise it.
We first started openly saying we were looking into emigrating two years ago. Everyone had all that time to object, at which we MAY have said ok lets leave it. But now it is totally ingrained into our hopes and dreams. And now we've told everyone it is now when rather than if, there has suddenly been this outpouring of guilt inducing emotion that everybody will be totally devastated if we leave, that we have to live our lives but that the people we are leaving will be in pieces.
I am angry - why couldn't they tell us two years ago instead of not batting an eyelid about it. Or why couldn't they make more of an effort in our lives so we had some way of knowing they cared so much. I do believe family is more important than anything in the world which is why i am now wobbling badly. But the thought of cancelling these amazing plans at this stage just seems unthinkable.
It seems like the two options are devastation or devastation. How did you all get past this?
For my OH, she really wanted to come to the extent that it overrode any question of guilt, even though her family did lay it on quite thick. Moreover, we lived in Bristol about a mile from her parents and they would hardly ever come round - in the sense of Catchfire's post. In fact, we see them more now on Skype.
Neither of us particularly miss family either, more friends.
Moreover, we rather like the isolation from family. That is, when they did get involved with us, it was often not a very positive experience. Putting several thousands of miles in the way has been quite refreshing, and healthy for us...
Last edited by GoingIn2011; May 7th 2013 at 12:21 pm.
May 7th 2013, 6:33 pm
#18
Queen of the Underworld
Joined: Dec 2007
Location: In NZ!
Posts: 4,785
Re: How do you get past the guilt?
Tiger Mama
I wonder if your family never really wanted to believe it was going to happen even though they've known about it for so long.
Now the time is getting closer and you're organised etc, it is all becoming 'real'. It is no longer something that is possibly going to happen at some undetermined point in the future. The realisation that you are moving so far away has just hit them like a brick.
My family were supportive and knew all along [partner is a kiwi so always likely] but I had severe wobbles when I booked the one way ticket. I starting really doubting myself and wondering how I had got this far along the visa and emigration process without thinking it through properly. Of course it was just concern and worry about the move and leaving family that was coming into play. A bit like how your family are feeling perhaps? It's all finally happening in the here and now...
You and they will get over it, it just takes time.
P
I wonder if your family never really wanted to believe it was going to happen even though they've known about it for so long.
Now the time is getting closer and you're organised etc, it is all becoming 'real'. It is no longer something that is possibly going to happen at some undetermined point in the future. The realisation that you are moving so far away has just hit them like a brick.
My family were supportive and knew all along [partner is a kiwi so always likely] but I had severe wobbles when I booked the one way ticket. I starting really doubting myself and wondering how I had got this far along the visa and emigration process without thinking it through properly. Of course it was just concern and worry about the move and leaving family that was coming into play. A bit like how your family are feeling perhaps? It's all finally happening in the here and now...
You and they will get over it, it just takes time.
P
May 7th 2013, 9:33 pm
#19
Forum Regular
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 95
Re: How do you get past the guilt?
Tigermama I want to pop over and give you a huggle ( A Forest of Dean term!!!!
)
We are in a similar position, but, we have done the wanted down under programme, (oh bugger come next January I will be shooting myself!!!!
)
The drama from the family was, at the time awful as you wil see if you are unfortunate enough to see our episode. However, in reality, the "close" family that everyone has, was, in OUR experience abit of a myth. People, family or not, will manipulate you, for what ever reason, extended family will manipulate. PLEASE, PLEASE, do what is best for your family, a message learned from my dad who was 60 when I was born, his theory, "If you are 1, 10 or 100 you still only have one life, ...............live it and live as for you, consider other people's feelings, but also consider your ownxxxxx Good luck for your move, (or not, but make it your family decision!)
)We are in a similar position, but, we have done the wanted down under programme, (oh bugger come next January I will be shooting myself!!!!
)The drama from the family was, at the time awful as you wil see if you are unfortunate enough to see our episode. However, in reality, the "close" family that everyone has, was, in OUR experience abit of a myth. People, family or not, will manipulate you, for what ever reason, extended family will manipulate. PLEASE, PLEASE, do what is best for your family, a message learned from my dad who was 60 when I was born, his theory, "If you are 1, 10 or 100 you still only have one life, ...............live it and live as for you, consider other people's feelings, but also consider your ownxxxxx Good luck for your move, (or not, but make it your family decision!)
May 7th 2013, 10:58 pm
#20
`
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 38,613
Re: How do you get past the guilt?
Without reading through all the posts ( sheer laziness and I need to vacuum) I wonder if I've had a 
moment.
If your immediate family do not wish you to emigrate away from them to the degree they are now bringing known pressure, could one of them have alerted your ex. ?
Off tangent a wee bit but have you got underway with the adoption process for your son? Sooner that is done and dusted, the better.
moment.If your immediate family do not wish you to emigrate away from them to the degree they are now bringing known pressure, could one of them have alerted your ex. ?
Off tangent a wee bit but have you got underway with the adoption process for your son? Sooner that is done and dusted, the better.
May 7th 2013, 11:04 pm
#21
`
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 38,613
Re: How do you get past the guilt?
I put $50 a week aside for OH to be able to return every 18 months or so to see his old Mum. Do have a bit of rainy day savings earmaked in case OH is off work or there is no work. In case of an emergency flight , it would be that and the old credit card. Bear in mind we don't have kids. We also don't have holidays either. Had one ten day stint in the past 9 years.
