Go Back  British Expats > Living & Moving Abroad > New Zealand
Reload this Page >

How do you get past the guilt?

How do you get past the guilt?

Old May 5th 2013, 8:10 am
  #1  
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
 
Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 99
tiger mama has much to be proud oftiger mama has much to be proud oftiger mama has much to be proud oftiger mama has much to be proud oftiger mama has much to be proud oftiger mama has much to be proud oftiger mama has much to be proud oftiger mama has much to be proud oftiger mama has much to be proud oftiger mama has much to be proud oftiger mama has much to be proud of
Default How do you get past the guilt?

We always knew emigration would be bound to have lots of obstacles and we have just reached the next one which has properly made us wobble.

We've always felt that we don't have a very strong family here holding us back. We each have one living parent who love us but are fairly arms length in terms of how much time they want to spend with us, and everyone is very happy being wrapped up in their own lives. I have one sister who lives a few hours away, my OH has none. Extended family has broken up a bit in recent years. We don't have much in the way of a support network. So while we're sad to leave them behind, we could rationalise it.

We first started openly saying we were looking into emigrating two years ago. Everyone had all that time to object, at which we MAY have said ok lets leave it. But now it is totally ingrained into our hopes and dreams. And now we've told everyone it is now when rather than if, there has suddenly been this outpouring of guilt inducing emotion that everybody will be totally devastated if we leave, that we have to live our lives but that the people we are leaving will be in pieces.

I am angry - why couldn't they tell us two years ago instead of not batting an eyelid about it. Or why couldn't they make more of an effort in our lives so we had some way of knowing they cared so much. I do believe family is more important than anything in the world which is why i am now wobbling badly. But the thought of cancelling these amazing plans at this stage just seems unthinkable.

It seems like the two options are devastation or devastation. How did you all get past this?
tiger mama is offline  
Old May 5th 2013, 8:59 am
  #2  
.
 
Snap Shot's Avatar
 
Joined: Jun 2010
Location: Peterborough, Cambridgeshire
Posts: 2,744
Snap Shot has a reputation beyond reputeSnap Shot has a reputation beyond reputeSnap Shot has a reputation beyond reputeSnap Shot has a reputation beyond reputeSnap Shot has a reputation beyond reputeSnap Shot has a reputation beyond reputeSnap Shot has a reputation beyond reputeSnap Shot has a reputation beyond reputeSnap Shot has a reputation beyond reputeSnap Shot has a reputation beyond reputeSnap Shot has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: How do you get past the guilt?

Sorry. A lot of people who are due to emigrate go through this. I was 'lucky'. Family life as I ever knew it was all but over when my mum died in 2005. We emigrated in 2011. The two events are not related.

I realise some families indulge in some pretty serious emotional blackmail. Fortunately, mine just wished us well.

I was narked that my sister couldn't wait to tell my Dad that I had even mentioned emigrating years beforehand, therefore denying me the chance to tell him myself. Lesson learned.
Snap Shot is offline  
Old May 5th 2013, 9:11 am
  #3  
MODERATOR
 
MrsFychan's Avatar
 
Joined: Oct 2011
Location: Wellington - I miss Castles, the NHS & English school system
Posts: 8,989
MrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: How do you get past the guilt?

just think of the reasons you are doing it for. as you say they don't seem to be much in your life at the moment so why make it difficult for you. well that one probably comes down to them be worried for you but also that they wish they had the guts to do it maybe.

It's your's choice and no one has a right to tell you not to do it. If it feels right for you and your closest then don't bother listening to negative comments. Tell them you appreciate their comments, albeit negative but you are not changing your minds you have worked hard to get things done and if they don't want to help then they don't need to but you would appreciate support and not hindrance.
MrsFychan is offline  
Old May 5th 2013, 8:28 pm
  #4  
Forum Regular
 
Joined: Nov 2012
Location: New Plymouth
Posts: 210
AndyEvs has a reputation beyond reputeAndyEvs has a reputation beyond reputeAndyEvs has a reputation beyond reputeAndyEvs has a reputation beyond reputeAndyEvs has a reputation beyond reputeAndyEvs has a reputation beyond reputeAndyEvs has a reputation beyond reputeAndyEvs has a reputation beyond reputeAndyEvs has a reputation beyond reputeAndyEvs has a reputation beyond reputeAndyEvs has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: How do you get past the guilt?

When we left (nearly 10 years ago) we were in a similar position in that we lived a long way from family and I was not close to mine. My wife was closer to hers but nobody laid any guilt on us although it was obvious they were sad to see us go.
What we didn't realise was how our feelings would change over time. We have actually gotten a lot closer to our family since we left, including my extended family.
We didn't expect or plan for that! I think in part it's an age thing too.
The way we feel now, as much as we like NZ, if I could think of a way to get back to the UK we would. Family has become that important.
But we can't right now, we have to see the boys through their education. Then it will be time to reevaluate.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying don't come. No-one wants to be in that 'what if?' situation years from now.
But don't underestimate the value of family or how your own feelings/outlook can change over time.
For some the move here is relatively easy, they don't feel that pull at all. But for others of us it has a bigger impact than anticipated.
AndyEvs is offline  
Old May 5th 2013, 9:30 pm
  #5  
Forum Regular
 
Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 57
Lb welly is a splendid one to beholdLb welly is a splendid one to beholdLb welly is a splendid one to beholdLb welly is a splendid one to beholdLb welly is a splendid one to beholdLb welly is a splendid one to beholdLb welly is a splendid one to beholdLb welly is a splendid one to beholdLb welly is a splendid one to beholdLb welly is a splendid one to beholdLb welly is a splendid one to behold
Default Re: How do you get past the guilt?

My mum has always maintained she would rather we didn't leave. We hve talked for 10yrs! My scenario is slightly different in that my hubby is a kiwi. It was always part of t he plan. We leave in January and I feel excited for me and my family embarking on our family adventure. I can't deny my family are hugely important to me and it will be difficult at times however this is the path I have chosen and I will cope.
If your dream is to go then tell those raining on ur parade that. You can love them wherever you are. X
Lb welly is offline  
Old May 6th 2013, 2:24 am
  #6  
Account Closed
 
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 755
Tom1983 has a spectacular aura aboutTom1983 has a spectacular aura aboutTom1983 has a spectacular aura about
Default Re: How do you get past the guilt?

I know what your going through although ours has been ever since our son was born

Back when it was us 2, both families were thoroughly supportive of us making the move here. Ever since the wee one arrive, one family still supports us and thinks we're doing the best thing possible for the young one, the others now are completely against us staying. So much that i've been called so many names under the sun that I dare not inform the wife. Last thing I want is to make the the situation worse than it currently is

How do I pass it - I have to think of number one and thats the wife and my son before anyone else. I accept that it could be viewed as a harsh way but then I think, you cannot please everyone. Do you put other peoples happiness before yourself? I would be very very unhappy if I went back to Blighty but that's just me. I have a funny feeling the wife is now in the same boat.

You have got to put yourself first on this - don't let other peoples emotions change your mind. After some research, if you believe that this is the place for you - get out here. Would you be happy if you decide not to come because others didn't want you to?
Tom1983 is offline  
Old May 6th 2013, 5:16 am
  #7  
*********
 
Catchafire's Avatar
 
Joined: May 2008
Location: Up in dem hills.........
Posts: 1,452
Catchafire has a reputation beyond reputeCatchafire has a reputation beyond reputeCatchafire has a reputation beyond reputeCatchafire has a reputation beyond reputeCatchafire has a reputation beyond reputeCatchafire has a reputation beyond reputeCatchafire has a reputation beyond reputeCatchafire has a reputation beyond reputeCatchafire has a reputation beyond reputeCatchafire has a reputation beyond reputeCatchafire has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: How do you get past the guilt?

Unfortunately, many of those people who "will miss you soooo much" can't be arsed to drive 10miles to see you if you pop back.
Catchafire is offline  
Old May 6th 2013, 5:34 am
  #8  
Forum Regular
 
Joined: Nov 2012
Location: New Plymouth
Posts: 210
AndyEvs has a reputation beyond reputeAndyEvs has a reputation beyond reputeAndyEvs has a reputation beyond reputeAndyEvs has a reputation beyond reputeAndyEvs has a reputation beyond reputeAndyEvs has a reputation beyond reputeAndyEvs has a reputation beyond reputeAndyEvs has a reputation beyond reputeAndyEvs has a reputation beyond reputeAndyEvs has a reputation beyond reputeAndyEvs has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: How do you get past the guilt?

Originally Posted by Catchafire View Post
Unfortunately, many of those people who "will miss you soooo much" can't be arsed to drive 10miles to see you if you pop back.
Sweeping generalisation that may well apply to you but does not necessarily apply to everyone here. And possibly not to the OP.

Last edited by AndyEvs; May 6th 2013 at 5:35 am. Reason: Spelling
AndyEvs is offline  
Old May 6th 2013, 6:09 am
  #9  
.
 
Snap Shot's Avatar
 
Joined: Jun 2010
Location: Peterborough, Cambridgeshire
Posts: 2,744
Snap Shot has a reputation beyond reputeSnap Shot has a reputation beyond reputeSnap Shot has a reputation beyond reputeSnap Shot has a reputation beyond reputeSnap Shot has a reputation beyond reputeSnap Shot has a reputation beyond reputeSnap Shot has a reputation beyond reputeSnap Shot has a reputation beyond reputeSnap Shot has a reputation beyond reputeSnap Shot has a reputation beyond reputeSnap Shot has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: How do you get past the guilt?

I've heard of this so many times. People who go back home to meet up with the people who reckoned to miss them only to be met with not much more than indifference.

That's when they decide to go back to where they emigrated to.
Snap Shot is offline  
Old May 6th 2013, 6:34 am
  #10  
*********
 
Catchafire's Avatar
 
Joined: May 2008
Location: Up in dem hills.........
Posts: 1,452
Catchafire has a reputation beyond reputeCatchafire has a reputation beyond reputeCatchafire has a reputation beyond reputeCatchafire has a reputation beyond reputeCatchafire has a reputation beyond reputeCatchafire has a reputation beyond reputeCatchafire has a reputation beyond reputeCatchafire has a reputation beyond reputeCatchafire has a reputation beyond reputeCatchafire has a reputation beyond reputeCatchafire has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: How do you get past the guilt?

Originally Posted by AndyEvs View Post
Sweeping generalisation that may well apply to you but does not necessarily apply to everyone here. And possibly not to the OP.
I do not wish it on anyone. But it has happen to us and to many of our social circle.
Catchafire is offline  
Old May 6th 2013, 9:01 am
  #11  
Forum Regular
 
Joined: May 2010
Location: Dunedin, NZ
Posts: 38
pilottinker is a splendid one to beholdpilottinker is a splendid one to beholdpilottinker is a splendid one to beholdpilottinker is a splendid one to beholdpilottinker is a splendid one to beholdpilottinker is a splendid one to beholdpilottinker is a splendid one to beholdpilottinker is a splendid one to beholdpilottinker is a splendid one to beholdpilottinker is a splendid one to beholdpilottinker is a splendid one to behold
Default Re: How do you get past the guilt?

We are getting games played with us from our relatives. When we lived up the road I never got invited to visit. Now they seem to hold us to account for the British weather, economy and their health and we have lived away from UK for the last 6 years.
pilottinker is offline  
Old May 6th 2013, 8:04 pm
  #12  
BE Forum Addict
 
Joined: Jan 2010
Location: In the middle of the continent
Posts: 1,707
Assanah has a reputation beyond reputeAssanah has a reputation beyond reputeAssanah has a reputation beyond reputeAssanah has a reputation beyond reputeAssanah has a reputation beyond reputeAssanah has a reputation beyond reputeAssanah has a reputation beyond reputeAssanah has a reputation beyond reputeAssanah has a reputation beyond reputeAssanah has a reputation beyond reputeAssanah has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: How do you get past the guilt?

I don't get played by my family. They have been critical of our move from the beginning but also supportive. I think families have the right to be critical of what loved ones are doing. Of course some might try to blackmail you but others just worry about you, don't want you to be that far away, and will miss you. I also don't think that my family envious. They love Europe, they have lived abroad themselves and they probably already knew what I know now. Anyhow, if you move to NZ you will quickly find out if family is really the most important thing. If yes I reckon that you probably will move back sooner and later. Nothing wrong with that. Just have a plan for the not unlikely case that one of you likes NZ and wants to stay and the other one wants to return.

Last edited by Assanah; May 6th 2013 at 8:08 pm.
Assanah is offline  
Old May 6th 2013, 8:36 pm
  #13  
MODERATOR
 
MrsFychan's Avatar
 
Joined: Oct 2011
Location: Wellington - I miss Castles, the NHS & English school system
Posts: 8,989
MrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: How do you get past the guilt?

I would tell them your long time plans, if you have any.
We have always said that from what we understand that it would take about 2 yrs to find out if you actually can get on with the new life style, so said if things were not working out in 2 yrs we would look at it again but if it wasn't horrendous then we are here for at least the 5 yrs to gain Citizenship for the kids and then look at it.

We told them we would keep enough money somewhere to be able to fly back at a moments notice or planned return (yeh that account now needs topping up as could not live with a cold bedroom )

At the end of the day it's your life, it only happens once, you can't live it for other people, have a plan/resources to return and enjoy the ride
MrsFychan is offline  
Old May 7th 2013, 4:01 am
  #14  
Forum Regular
 
Joined: Nov 2012
Location: New Plymouth
Posts: 210
AndyEvs has a reputation beyond reputeAndyEvs has a reputation beyond reputeAndyEvs has a reputation beyond reputeAndyEvs has a reputation beyond reputeAndyEvs has a reputation beyond reputeAndyEvs has a reputation beyond reputeAndyEvs has a reputation beyond reputeAndyEvs has a reputation beyond reputeAndyEvs has a reputation beyond reputeAndyEvs has a reputation beyond reputeAndyEvs has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: How do you get past the guilt?

@MrsFychan - we have one of those accounts too.

Account name: Go to UK at a moments notice
Account balance: $0.17

Last edited by AndyEvs; May 7th 2013 at 4:01 am. Reason: Spelling
AndyEvs is offline  
Old May 7th 2013, 7:48 am
  #15  
BE Forum Addict
 
RobDon's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2009
Location: Rotorua
Posts: 1,626
RobDon has a reputation beyond reputeRobDon has a reputation beyond reputeRobDon has a reputation beyond reputeRobDon has a reputation beyond reputeRobDon has a reputation beyond reputeRobDon has a reputation beyond reputeRobDon has a reputation beyond reputeRobDon has a reputation beyond reputeRobDon has a reputation beyond reputeRobDon has a reputation beyond reputeRobDon has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: How do you get past the guilt?

Originally Posted by AndyEvs View Post
@MrsFychan - we have one of those accounts too.

Account name: Go to UK at a moments notice
Account balance: $0.17
+1
Us Too!!
RobDon is offline  

Contact Us - Archive - Advertising - Cookie Policy - Privacy Statement - Terms of Service - Do Not Sell My Personal Information

Copyright © 2018 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.