Homesickness v. A lack of belonging.
Apr 23rd 2016, 11:15 pm
#31
---
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 2,994
Re: Homesickness v. A lack of belonging.
Thank goodness! Good luck with your plans x
Apr 26th 2016, 7:25 am
#32
BE Enthusiast
Joined: May 2007
Location: Western Sydney For Now
Posts: 434
Re: Homesickness v. A lack of belonging.
There lies an issue, you have to feel like you can see a future, that alone can unsettle greatly every single day
Apr 26th 2016, 2:02 pm
#33
Looking for my marbles.
Joined: Jul 2013
Location: durham, durham, England
Posts: 730
Re: Homesickness v. A lack of belonging.
Having had a conversation about this with Sparkleydiva (really great to meet you BTW, wish I'd met you ages ago) last week, I thought I would raise it on here for discussion.
I have experienced both having lived here for 9+ years now and neither is pleasant. I've had waves of homesickness which are very distressing at the time but do tend to pass. But this lack of belonging feeling is far more detrimental to my health than the homesickness bouts.
There are days when I feel really lucky to live here with the beautiful scenery which surrounds me BUT it isn't enough for me. There's just something missing. It's like my life is on hold. I try to focus on the positives that living here have brought me and again, it isn't enough.
For me, England will always be home. I just fit in there, people 'get' me and I feel comfortable and safe. OH prefers to live here, which is why I'm still here
.
I have been on anti-depressants for a long time now but they make little difference as the under-lying cause is being unhappy about living in New Zealand. I have had so many health problems since living here and I think many of them can be linked to stress, that or I'm just allergic to New Zealand! So it's time to start making changes.
I have decided to give it another year here and if I still feel the same then, then it's time to head back to Blighty. Firstly, I am going to have to get my career restarted, so it's back to the text books and see if the NZ midwifery council will accept me doing a RTP programme after 7 years out. The thought of working in midwifery here again fills me with dread but if it leads to me being able to renew my registration with the NMC then it will be worth it.
Anyone else going through the same thing? Any other thoughts?
I have experienced both having lived here for 9+ years now and neither is pleasant. I've had waves of homesickness which are very distressing at the time but do tend to pass. But this lack of belonging feeling is far more detrimental to my health than the homesickness bouts.
There are days when I feel really lucky to live here with the beautiful scenery which surrounds me BUT it isn't enough for me. There's just something missing. It's like my life is on hold. I try to focus on the positives that living here have brought me and again, it isn't enough.
For me, England will always be home. I just fit in there, people 'get' me and I feel comfortable and safe. OH prefers to live here, which is why I'm still here
. I have been on anti-depressants for a long time now but they make little difference as the under-lying cause is being unhappy about living in New Zealand. I have had so many health problems since living here and I think many of them can be linked to stress, that or I'm just allergic to New Zealand! So it's time to start making changes.
I have decided to give it another year here and if I still feel the same then, then it's time to head back to Blighty. Firstly, I am going to have to get my career restarted, so it's back to the text books and see if the NZ midwifery council will accept me doing a RTP programme after 7 years out. The thought of working in midwifery here again fills me with dread but if it leads to me being able to renew my registration with the NMC then it will be worth it.
Anyone else going through the same thing? Any other thoughts?
I totally respect you for your honest post. I have been there myself. 9 years is a long time living somewhere that you are unsure about. You're not alone. There is nothing wrong with taking anti-depressants and they should be starting to make your feelings 'even out'. It worries me that they are having little effect. If you are taking them just to survive day to day in NZ then I would say that it may be best to rethink your year plan. Life is so very short (even shorter for some), and you need to try to live a happy one. Do what makes YOU happy. Im always here if you want to PM me. Anytime. xxx
If there's anything I can do to help from the UK end give me a shout.
Apr 27th 2016, 1:53 pm
#35
Just Joined
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4
Re: Homesickness v. A lack of belonging.
Hi I have been interested in reading your posts on this subject and wanted to share my experience of leavi g NZ after ten years due to homesickness. We returned to the UK last year in January with two very reluctant teenagers and a 3 year old little kiwi! We had visited the year before for a holiday the first time in the UK for 9 years. I realised half way through the visit that i missed family so much that I didn't want to return and when we did return i was very tearful for weeks. The feeling of not belonging felt stronger than ever. I think part of the reason wasa visit to my parents having not spoken to each other since our decision to emigrate in 2004. My husband understood having lost his mother the year previously. Anyway we sold the house etc which took ages. Unfortunately we lost both our fathers just weeks before we were due to return.
Well fast forward a year or so and we are returning to NZ! We both had the similar feelings we had when we first left and having enjoyed spending time with family I have found it hard to settle back here. In some ways i found it easier to make friends in NZ especially with other outsiders both non kiwis and kiwis. I am not particularly sporty etc or one to join groups. We are living about 90 minutes from family but only see them every couple of months. I have told them our plans and my mum is back to not speaking again!! I feel bad about playing with their emotions but I think it took us moving back and livi g here which is different from a holiday to realise while my heart is in UK my soul to use cliches is inNZ. Apologies for errors can't type on a pad grrr!
Well fast forward a year or so and we are returning to NZ! We both had the similar feelings we had when we first left and having enjoyed spending time with family I have found it hard to settle back here. In some ways i found it easier to make friends in NZ especially with other outsiders both non kiwis and kiwis. I am not particularly sporty etc or one to join groups. We are living about 90 minutes from family but only see them every couple of months. I have told them our plans and my mum is back to not speaking again!! I feel bad about playing with their emotions but I think it took us moving back and livi g here which is different from a holiday to realise while my heart is in UK my soul to use cliches is inNZ. Apologies for errors can't type on a pad grrr!
Apr 27th 2016, 6:28 pm
#36
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Joined: Jan 2014
Location: Kerikeri
Posts: 718
Re: Homesickness v. A lack of belonging.
Hi Beverley69 that is not totally unusual hence the expression 'ping pong poms'. I am a bit stunned at your Mother's reaction which of course makes it harder for both of you but hou can't live your life totally for parents (or children). I hope your teenagers settle in again ok. Good luck.
Apr 27th 2016, 7:25 pm
#37
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Joined: May 2012
Location: Cayman Islands
Posts: 4,995
Re: Homesickness v. A lack of belonging.
Well, as the saying goes... You can never go home again. Meaning - as a generalisation - the place you go back to is not the same as it was when you were there the first time!
I've been lucky in that my wife wasn't able to introduce me to her mother until we'd been married for almost four years. Before that, even worse, Linda and I had backpacked together for eight months or so through the Middle East and Eastern Europe. And before that, she had travelled around with different sets of friends for almost a year in England and Western Europe. Those were the days before Skype...
Our respective mothers missed us as much as all mothers would, but they trusted our abilities to look after ourselves. Years after our backpacking adventure, I asked my Mum how come she wasn't worried when she got aerogrammes from me from places she'd barely heard of like Iran and Kuwait. She said, "I was worried sick, but I knew there was nothing I could do about it. I just had to wait for the next letter." (I wrote home one or two aerogrammes every week, but they didn't always arrive every week!)
I've been lucky in that my wife wasn't able to introduce me to her mother until we'd been married for almost four years. Before that, even worse, Linda and I had backpacked together for eight months or so through the Middle East and Eastern Europe. And before that, she had travelled around with different sets of friends for almost a year in England and Western Europe. Those were the days before Skype...
Our respective mothers missed us as much as all mothers would, but they trusted our abilities to look after ourselves. Years after our backpacking adventure, I asked my Mum how come she wasn't worried when she got aerogrammes from me from places she'd barely heard of like Iran and Kuwait. She said, "I was worried sick, but I knew there was nothing I could do about it. I just had to wait for the next letter." (I wrote home one or two aerogrammes every week, but they didn't always arrive every week!)
Apr 27th 2016, 9:57 pm
#38
Just Joined
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4
Re: Homesickness v. A lack of belonging.
Hi Beverley69 that is not totally unusual hence the expression 'ping pong poms'. I am a bit stunned at your Mother's reaction which of course makes it harder for both of you but hou can't live your life totally for parents (or children). I hope your teenagers settle in again ok. Good luck.
Apr 27th 2016, 10:06 pm
#39
Just Joined
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4
Re: Homesickness v. A lack of belonging.
Well, as the saying goes... You can never go home again. Meaning - as a generalisation - the place you go back to is not the same as it was when you were there the first time!
I've been lucky in that my wife wasn't able to introduce me to her mother until we'd been married for almost four years. Before that, even worse, Linda and I had backpacked together for eight months or so through the Middle East and Eastern Europe. And before that, she had travelled around with different sets of friends for almost a year in England and Western Europe. Those were the days before Skype...
Our respective mothers missed us as much as all mothers would, but they trusted our abilities to look after ourselves. Years after our backpacking adventure, I asked my Mum how come she wasn't worried when she got aerogrammes from me from places she'd barely heard of like Iran and Kuwait. She said, "I was worried sick, but I knew there was nothing I could do about it. I just had to wait for the next letter." (I wrote home one or two aerogrammes every week, but they didn't always arrive every week!)
I've been lucky in that my wife wasn't able to introduce me to her mother until we'd been married for almost four years. Before that, even worse, Linda and I had backpacked together for eight months or so through the Middle East and Eastern Europe. And before that, she had travelled around with different sets of friends for almost a year in England and Western Europe. Those were the days before Skype...
Our respective mothers missed us as much as all mothers would, but they trusted our abilities to look after ourselves. Years after our backpacking adventure, I asked my Mum how come she wasn't worried when she got aerogrammes from me from places she'd barely heard of like Iran and Kuwait. She said, "I was worried sick, but I knew there was nothing I could do about it. I just had to wait for the next letter." (I wrote home one or two aerogrammes every week, but they didn't always arrive every week!)
Apr 27th 2016, 10:32 pm
#40
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Joined: May 2012
Location: Cayman Islands
Posts: 4,995
Re: Homesickness v. A lack of belonging.
Yes. Not to prolong this digression from the OT unnecessarily, but... Our experience was living for a year in Oz after six years overseas. We found ourselves mixing socially with other former expats more comfortably than with "natives" who had never been away. As a general statement, we had more in common even with foreign immigrants than with the locals.
Apr 28th 2016, 12:41 am
#41
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Thread Starter
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 0
Re: Homesickness v. A lack of belonging.
Hi guys, sorry I'm late in replying to all your lovely messages. OH was taken into Auckland City Hospital last week (ambulance crew and staff were all fabulous!). Anyway he's fine and it was nothing serious, just an extreme vaso-vagal attack following hurting his foot/ankle. Badly sprained, no broken bones thankfully. I just got a call saying that he had collapsed at work and been unresponsive
. Turns out he was just attention-seeking 
Plus we then had friends to stay and I'm trying to organise hotels/car hire etc for our up-coming trip to Europe/UK/Dubai.
Well further discussions with our friends present revealed that he isn't 100% on board with going back but he knows I'm going one way or the other and he doesn't function well without me, so he's bound to follow!
So I'm now trying to organise various things to be able to do a Return to Practice course here. I've bumped heads with the midwifery council on occasion , so I'm not expecting it to be plain-sailing. I'm feeling quite excited about it all now.
. Turns out he was just attention-seeking Plus we then had friends to stay and I'm trying to organise hotels/car hire etc for our up-coming trip to Europe/UK/Dubai.
Well further discussions with our friends present revealed that he isn't 100% on board with going back but he knows I'm going one way or the other and he doesn't function well without me, so he's bound to follow!
So I'm now trying to organise various things to be able to do a Return to Practice course here. I've bumped heads with the midwifery council on occasion , so I'm not expecting it to be plain-sailing. I'm feeling quite excited about it all now.
Apr 28th 2016, 1:16 am
#42
Account Closed
Thread Starter
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 0
Re: Homesickness v. A lack of belonging.
Hi I have been interested in reading your posts on this subject and wanted to share my experience of leavi g NZ after ten years due to homesickness. We returned to the UK last year in January with two very reluctant teenagers and a 3 year old little kiwi! We had visited the year before for a holiday the first time in the UK for 9 years. I realised half way through the visit that i missed family so much that I didn't want to return and when we did return i was very tearful for weeks. The feeling of not belonging felt stronger than ever. I think part of the reason wasa visit to my parents having not spoken to each other since our decision to emigrate in 2004. My husband understood having lost his mother the year previously. Anyway we sold the house etc which took ages. Unfortunately we lost both our fathers just weeks before we were due to return.
Well fast forward a year or so and we are returning to NZ! We both had the similar feelings we had when we first left and having enjoyed spending time with family I have found it hard to settle back here. In some ways i found it easier to make friends in NZ especially with other outsiders both non kiwis and kiwis. I am not particularly sporty etc or one to join groups. We are living about 90 minutes from family but only see them every couple of months. I have told them our plans and my mum is back to not speaking again!! I feel bad about playing with their emotions but I think it took us moving back and livi g here which is different from a holiday to realise while my heart is in UK my soul to use cliches is inNZ. Apologies for errors can't type on a pad grrr!
Well fast forward a year or so and we are returning to NZ! We both had the similar feelings we had when we first left and having enjoyed spending time with family I have found it hard to settle back here. In some ways i found it easier to make friends in NZ especially with other outsiders both non kiwis and kiwis. I am not particularly sporty etc or one to join groups. We are living about 90 minutes from family but only see them every couple of months. I have told them our plans and my mum is back to not speaking again!! I feel bad about playing with their emotions but I think it took us moving back and livi g here which is different from a holiday to realise while my heart is in UK my soul to use cliches is inNZ. Apologies for errors can't type on a pad grrr!
I have some lovely friends here but I rarely see them. I've tried to make friends with neighbours but they aren't interested (one of our neighbours only found out that they had had a change of neighbours ie. US after we'd been here for 3 years!!!!) We smile and wave at each other but that's as far as it goes.
Of course I have that concern that I won't like it in the UK and will want to come back, that's my OH's fear for me too. I'm absolutely positive that somethings about life in England will frustrate me because that's the sort of person I am. Ultimately England is home and it has hamsters!
I guess my heart and soul are there.For me it's not so much about family as we aren't a particularly close one but I will feel happier being closer to my elderly parents, just to help out and get things in place for them as they become more infirm.
I'm so sorry that your Mum is being difficult and not speaking to you. That must be very painful for you. I find it difficult to understand her behaviour. I know my parents were saddened when we decided to return to NZ but they would never have not spoken to us. As someone who would've loved to have had children, I just can't imagine doing that. No doubt her reasons make sense to her. Nowt so queer as folk
Good luck with your plans.
Apr 28th 2016, 8:27 am
#43
Just Joined
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4
Re: Homesickness v. A lack of belonging.
I appreciate your post. I gave this thread the title I did as I feel that there is a profound difference between homesickness and a lack of belonging. From my perspective the former is more transient, it comes in waves, is over-whelming for a while then it passes. I've been there and I wouldn't base my decision to return to the UK on that experience. This lack of belonging is more fundamental and affects me at a deeper level. It's always there. I can appreciate all that NZ has to offer but it isn't the right fit for me.
I have some lovely friends here but I rarely see them. I've tried to make friends with neighbours but they aren't interested (one of our neighbours only found out that they had had a change of neighbours ie. US after we'd been here for 3 years!!!!) We smile and wave at each other but that's as far as it goes.
Of course I have that concern that I won't like it in the UK and will want to come back, that's my OH's fear for me too. I'm absolutely positive that somethings about life in England will frustrate me because that's the sort of person I am. Ultimately England is home and it has hamsters! I guess my heart and soul are there.
For me it's not so much about family as we aren't a particularly close one but I will feel happier being closer to my elderly parents, just to help out and get things in place for them as they become more infirm.
I'm so sorry that your Mum is being difficult and not speaking to you. That must be very painful for you. I find it difficult to understand her behaviour. I know my parents were saddened when we decided to return to NZ but they would never have not spoken to us. As someone who would've loved to have had children, I just can't imagine doing that. No doubt her reasons make sense to her. Nowt so queer as folk
Good luck with your plans.
I have some lovely friends here but I rarely see them. I've tried to make friends with neighbours but they aren't interested (one of our neighbours only found out that they had had a change of neighbours ie. US after we'd been here for 3 years!!!!) We smile and wave at each other but that's as far as it goes.
Of course I have that concern that I won't like it in the UK and will want to come back, that's my OH's fear for me too. I'm absolutely positive that somethings about life in England will frustrate me because that's the sort of person I am. Ultimately England is home and it has hamsters!
I guess my heart and soul are there.For me it's not so much about family as we aren't a particularly close one but I will feel happier being closer to my elderly parents, just to help out and get things in place for them as they become more infirm.
I'm so sorry that your Mum is being difficult and not speaking to you. That must be very painful for you. I find it difficult to understand her behaviour. I know my parents were saddened when we decided to return to NZ but they would never have not spoken to us. As someone who would've loved to have had children, I just can't imagine doing that. No doubt her reasons make sense to her. Nowt so queer as folk
Good luck with your plans.
