mike&chrissy

Hello everyone.

My wife and I are new to this excellent forum and are looking for some shared experiences to help with our possible upheaval. I'm in the running for a job in Auckland which would be excellent for me. In the event that things go the way I hope (everything crossed) then my wife (Chris), 3 year old and I will be heading down under. Unfortunately, our soon-to-be 20 year old daughter is having none of it and has made it clear that she won't be coming. Needless to say this is souring the dream somewhat. Chris is still positive and looking forward to the prospect of the big move, but we would greatly appreciate feedback from anyone who has encountered a similar problem and how you resolved the conflict. Did you just go anyway? Was it as difficult for you as I expect it will be for us? Thanks everyone and we look forward to your comments.

westies

Hi There
Poor you, no experience personally, but you have to do what is right for you, and your youngest child, if your daughter is nearly 20 then she is an adult able to make up her own mind. Of course it will be a wrench for all of you, but no doubt she will have her own ideas now about how she wants to lead her life, you must do the same!
Good luck to you all
Tracey

babybella

I think you just have to let her do what she wants with the opening to join you at a later time if she wants to. You may find that she will miss you all as much as you will miss her.
My oldest has just returned to NZ to start uni and left us in the UK, it is very hard and I can't believe how much I miss him. But we are flying him back during uni break in June so I looking forward to that very much.
Good Luck
KAZ

Markk

Hi Mike,
Welcome to the forum.
Haven't been through this myself, but it sounds like a really hard choice. I think you just have to accept she's an adult herself and has to make up her own mind. In all likelihood she'll up and do her own thing eventually anyway.
I'm not sure about the visa options for a 20 year old anyway? Would she have to apply seperately? Someone on here will know.
Mark

mike&chrissy

I think she would have no problem getting a visa or entry into N.Z. as she is working towards becoming a paramedic. She has lots of qualifications including childcare. I think what is holding her back is the fact that in our area they have been recruiting volunteers to work in the paramedic rapid response team. she has applied and we think she has got in. Being in St. Johns ambulance and taking lots of courses with them have made her a strong candidate.
I am proud of her and all she has worked (very hard) for. I just wish she would consider moving out with us if Mike's job comes up. I am sure New Zealand has space for one more paramedic!!
I'm not sure how I will feel leaving her behind.

newkiwi

hi
i have not been through this either so probably not in a position to comment, so feel free to ignore my two cents worth.....
She sounds like she is getting good qualifications in the UK. Im sure it will be gut wrenching to leave her but she is an adult now and to make her own choices in life. Like others have said, she might decide to do her own thing in a year or two in any case, regardless of whether you stayed behind in the UK.

Maybe look at the situation another way...if she said to you she was moving to NZ to work, would you tell her she wasnt allowed as she had to remain part of the family unit?...Well youre scenario is sortof similar, albeit 180 degrees in reverse...

You are looking to move and want to tell her to come with you...

If you would be willing for her to explore the world if she shose to, then you should be willing for her to decide to stay in the UK too if she chooses.

Remember, she can very easily still get a Working Holiday Visa until she is 30, so if she does want to come across it is pretty easy. She might want to come once she has her qualifications, say initially for a year to see how it is, and if she likes it apply for residency and stay...


Anyway, best of luck with whatever you decide, I hope at least she is not begrudging you the fact that you are considering moving.

Joshlin

hey there - this is a tough one, but you will identify what is best for all of you.
we had something similar - we have 2 young children (4 and 19mths) and my OH has 2 older children from his first marriage (19 & 16). We first decided to emigrate back in 2003 and then his eldest needed to come and live with us for a while so we put our plans on the back burner. she very quickly established herself a life - education, friends, work etc so we began to revisit our plans, it then all went through very quickly and we were left with the difficult decision - should she come with us or not - she yo-yo'd between wanting to come and not, plus it was complicated by other things that I won't bore you with - in the end we came to a mutual decision that she would remain in the uk with the option to visit at a later date.
It was tough emotionally and she's been through the usual kind of young adult anxt that all go through and it was hard not being there to support / bail out - (although sending money is never difficult!!) - however I'm sure she is stronger for it, she's increasing in confidence all the time and learning to deal with stuff that otherwise we would probably have sheltered her from - webcam / internet keeps the relationship going - plus she's got a great holiday to look forward to when the time comes!
good luck with your decision - and I do believe as others have mentioned that at 20 they are adults and you need to do what is best for you - she will do what she wants!
Vicki

Batty

I left my 24 (then 23) year old son behind. Reading that back it looks really silly. He couldn't, by any stretch of the imagination be called a child. At 24, his father was already married, had a son and was separated as, of course, was I But it didn't make it any easier when the time came to say goodbye. They're still your baby no matter what age they are and you worry that they won't be able to cope without you. What made it easier for me was knowing that he's not going to stay behind for long. He won't come to New Zealand but will probably end up in either Italy or South America so there was no point in my putting my life on hold until he decided to take off. Your daughter may never want to live in another country but then again, she might. It might even be NZ. You might come here and decide to go back in a few years. It will be difficult for a while, but you know that - I just wouldn't let it stop me doing what I really want to do. As someone else said, if the roles were reversed you wouldn't stop her from leaving the country and if she was away you'd make sure you were in contact regularly so you'll just do the same thing now. Good luck. I think I probably don't know exactly how you're feeling because my son has lived independently of me for a long time now so that made things a little easier.

ps. what you have to do is get her out here on a holiday and fix her up with a Kiwi lad and then she won't want to go back I'm going to send you some Karma (if I can figure out how to do it )

Winnie

I've just been through all this and it wasn't an easy decision. I have 3 daughters, my eldest 18 who never wanted to come to NZ, and twins 17 (16 when we applied). One was very eager to come along, the other not too sure but decided to because she wanted to be with me. About 2 months before we were due to go the twin who was eager decided she wanted to stay because of her boyfriend (aggghhhhh!!!). I was devastated and in turmoil for weeks but eventually accepted it. We eventually got to NZ with 1 daughter but she hated it as soon as she got here (very homesick and missed her friends) and flew back 3 weeks later. Again I was devastated but thought if I made her stay she'd hate me for ever!
I know they're not exactly adults yet but they wanted to live their life in the Uk and I'm hoping once they are a little older and the rebel inside them dies down they will want to live here. I also thought it had come to a point in my life that I had to do something for me and not live my life through my kids. Its very hard sometimes, and I get emotional at times, but they're on the end of the phone (they call with their problems) and I really do enjoy my new life. And its easier knowing they're being taken care off in the UK.
Hope this helps and you figure out what to do.

Andrew Cross

Hiya, we left in January and we have left our 17 year old at home in England. It was the hardest thing in the world to do and I felt on the day we left that my heart had broken. My son is at college and doing really well and was adamant that he wanted to stay and finish at least his first year there. If I was very selfish I could have made him come with us but I'm sure he would never have given it a chance and hated it because id made him do something that he had no choice in. He is in good hands with his grandparents, and i know they spoil him rotten, but everyday I think of him and when I hear a song that he liked my eyes start to water.... I love him and its very hard, but he is happy at home and maybe one day he might just join me???

mike&chrissy

Thankyou all for your support and tales of how its hard to leave your kids behind. Andrew cross I cried when I read yours. I know that I will feel exactly the same. My mum and dad have said that she can go and live with them and its no bother to them. I know she will be loved and well fed and looked after. And at the end of the day if she is happy then thats all that matters. Us as parents will have to deal with it in our own way. I too am hoping that one day she will join us.

Other than the grief of having to leave my daughter behind. I am soooo looking forward to a new life. If Mike's job application comes off then we will be winging our way down to Auckland and I can't wait. It all seems positive though as the company approached him.

I read all the postings on this wonderful site and I laugh and cry along with the rest of you. It is a brilliant site and I just want to say thankyou to evryone.
Its also a fantastic insight into how the lifestyle is in N.Z. . I know I will have many questions to ask, if and when the time comes so hold onto your hats.....

poppets

Andrew cross made me cry too, (i'm a soppy tart at the best of times) I am not in your situation but would like to wish you all the very best & hope it all works out for the best.

babybella

Yep me too, I have the same feelings when a song comes on the radio that reminds me of him.
Take care
KAZ