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got that guilty feeling

got that guilty feeling

Old May 22nd 2011, 6:03 pm
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Default got that guilty feeling

I thought I was doing really well, not thinking too much about other peoples feelings towards us leaving ( not to be selfish ) but now after a chat to a family member today and being told that my mums "happy for you" attitude is a cover up for her real feelings of " Im gutted" has made me have such gut wrenching guilty feeling that Im taking her grandchildren away I know that I can not call of the whole move just to save other peoples feelings, but it makes it soooooooo hard.
Im sure every one has been in the same boat in one way or another, does the guilt go away eventually?
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Old May 22nd 2011, 7:47 pm
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Default Re: got that guilty feeling

Your Mum clearly knows how to consider your needs (for a happy farewell, best wishes) alongside hers - which of course are sad at the seperation. Your "family member" does not....

Beware manipulators.

I didn't have any such guilt, my parents made decisions on where to live their lives including big moves around that were for their benefit/interests/life goals but they aren't the same as mine are now....

Be strong, there are many tests along the emigration route. Imagine what happened when settlers went to the New World -without Skype!
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Old May 22nd 2011, 9:58 pm
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Default Re: got that guilty feeling

Hi Jen,
I think we all go through that guilty feeling. Your mum sounds like she just wants what is right for you and your family and not making it harder for you to leave. The other family member sounds very thoughtless.
It is hard, we leave on11th June and my lovely Dad had a cancer scare and opp a couple of weeks ago. I must admit that made me wobble a bit, especially as he played it down and a thoughtful member of my family phoned to tell me that he just didn't want to worry me as we had enough on our plates.
We also have same family member insisting we go and visit before we leave, only a 400 mile round trip with loads to do here and time running out.
How is it that people when they know you are leaving suddenly want to see you when they didn't bother for years.
Kaz
Good luck, and like someone else said, we now have email, phone and you can be back in a little more than 24 hours.
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Old May 22nd 2011, 10:30 pm
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Default Re: got that guilty feeling

thanks guys, I was unsure wether this family member was trying to put me of/make me feel bad telling me all the "what ifs" (which of corse I know, but trying to think positively ) or wether she was worried that I wasnt thinking it thru properly.
my step dad had cancer 2 years ago, a real shock that was, but they court it early. I hope all goes well with your dad.
We are going to have a going away get to gether, so any one who wants to see us before we go can, without us having to travel around to distant family members
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Old May 22nd 2011, 10:42 pm
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Default Re: got that guilty feeling

Your mums feeling are only natural. At this point in time she will feel like she's losing you forever.
Once you are here and have internet / video / skype chats she will see things differently.
I felt a huge sence of loss when my 20yr old son returned to the UK 18 months ago but
i keep in regular contact through the net and see how happy he is and the feelings of seperation
are replaced with pride as i realise how strong he is for a young man of his age to be living HIS dream.
Coming to NZ was his parents dream but he could not, and I would not expect him to stay here
if he was not happy, Your mum will feel the same about you in the very near future.
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Old May 23rd 2011, 1:13 am
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Default Re: got that guilty feeling

Hey Jen.G & BabyBella. It's a mega tough one to leave your siblings and parents because you love them and they love you but you still have to live your life and do what you feel is best at the time.

Your Mum will of course be gutted Jen.G . That doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't wish you all the best in the world & be happy you have this opportunity . That's love, that is.
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Old May 23rd 2011, 4:22 am
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Default Re: got that guilty feeling

Originally Posted by BEVS View Post
Hey Jen.G & BabyBella. It's a mega tough one to leave your siblings and parents because you love them and they love you but you still have to live your life and do what you feel is best at the time.

Your Mum will of course be gutted Jen.G . That doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't wish you all the best in the world & be happy you have this opportunity . That's love, that is.
What she said.

As my OH said to my parents, "It's completely selfish of us but we are still going to do it". They fully understood the need for us to make our own decisions with no interference. However, I know that they would really like us to be in the UK but they were 'happy' for us to come to NZ. They wish they had had the guts to emigrate when they were younger & not stay in the UK because of their parents.

Good luck to you both.
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Old May 23rd 2011, 4:54 am
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Default Re: got that guilty feeling

We went through the same with my parents before we came over. We took their grandkids away to a foreign country complete with every conceivable danger for us from earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanos and NZ drivers It's tough for everyone when you make such a monumental decision.

But, in our case once my parents came for the first time at Christmas, they absolutely fell in love with NZ. They came to realise exactly why we did it and they enjoyed and appreciated the freedom our kids have and our lifestyle.

They gave us their 100% blessing and understanding at the airport on their way home and can't wait to come again this year!

I sincerely hope it'll be the same for you. At least skype makes it so much easier, my kids have endless chats with grandparents taking the laptop round the house/garden. My m-in-law came over in the 1960s from Hackney to Gisborne, 6 weeks on a boat and never saw her grandparents again. Her parents used to save every penny to make the monthly phone call to them. How life has changed!
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Old May 23rd 2011, 7:41 am
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Default Re: got that guilty feeling

Originally Posted by MOSO View Post
My m-in-law came over in the 1960s from Hackney to Gisborne, 6 weeks on a boat and never saw her grandparents again. Her parents used to save every penny to make the monthly phone call to them. How life has changed!
It never ceases to amaze me how they did it in those days, they must have been so brave. We are so lucky these days
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Old May 23rd 2011, 2:09 pm
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Default Re: got that guilty feeling

they really must have been so brave! no internet to get an idea about the country, and limited communication we are very lucky with all the tecnology we have access to.
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Old May 23rd 2011, 2:17 pm
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Default Re: got that guilty feeling

But, in our case once my parents came for the first time at Christmas, they absolutely fell in love with NZ. They came to realise exactly why we did it and they enjoyed and appreciated the freedom our kids have and our lifestyle.

They gave us their 100% blessing and understanding at the airport on their way home and can't wait to come again this year!

I sincerely hope it'll be the same for you.


Thank you, I hope so too an I suppose if you count up the few hours that we spend time with our parents in this country and compare it to the quality time when they/ we visit once we have moved it will probably add up around the same per year
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Old May 23rd 2011, 2:47 pm
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Default Re: got that guilty feeling

jen.g think about this dilemma from a different viewpoint, now that your feelings to better your childrens future are known then if you change your intentions and remain in situ then apart from you always feeling you have missed a chance your mother will have to live with a tremendous guilt thinking it was her that held you back. Don't think that is a very healthy spot to be in.
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