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First big row with family re: Leaving!!

First big row with family re: Leaving!!

Old Jan 23rd 2007, 9:59 pm
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Default First big row with family re: Leaving!!

Took dogs out for a lovely relaxing walk in the cold but sun today! Got thinking about yesterday's phonecall from mother. She's booked a trip/tour to NZ for November - we haven't booked our flights yet!! Told me, it's all booked, including leaving Auckland for 4 days in HK then back to Auckland as was part of the trip?!

Plus was then staying for 2-3 months - we can organise her somewhere to stay - stressed she wouldn't stay with us that long - just round the corner?!

And this would cover Christmas!

Hubby got bit miffed last nite and said he'd given up on caring about mad mother - which I knew wasn't true. But I got to thinking whilst walking dogs, that I don't want her with us for our first Christmas and she just hadn't asked, had just gone ahead and booked. Felt steam rollered into something I didn't want.

So stood up for myself and phoned mother on return from said dog walking.

2-3 months is too long. I don't want the responsibility of making sure she's got an itinery to keep her amused whilst the kids are at school and we're working. I don't want the responsibility of finding her somewhere to stay. I want our first Christmas to be just us.

... She very upset.

Spoke to Hubby, he said he'll organise getting her out there, and tours, and she should come for Christmas, and I need to go lie down!!!

Phoned her back and apologised, the Christmas thing was just silly and selfish (not to mention 11 months away!!) and consequently she's happier with cancelling the booking and handing the reins over to me and Hubby! Phew!!

Anyone else having a hard time from rellies about their impending emigration or just me?!
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Old Jan 23rd 2007, 10:10 pm
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Default Re: First big row with family re: Leaving!!

Does your husband still have parents alive in NZ? Or any relatives, or friends? You'll never get away with Christmas alone if he does!

Glad your mum's feeling happier though.
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Old Jan 23rd 2007, 10:20 pm
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Default Re: First big row with family re: Leaving!!

Oh Loolah, I can guarantee it isn't just you love!
That sounded like it ended ok, are you happier about it now?
I didn't have any rows about leaving, but we had talked about it off and on for the 9 months leading up to our move. Then when we were booking the tickets, I phoned my mum to tell her, and she cried
She doesn't often cry (unlike me, I get it from my dad) so it was a big shock. I asked her why she was upset and she said that although we had been talking about it she didn't actually think we would go. I still get tearful when I think about it, I moved away from home at 19 so never lived near my parents as an adult, I was always at least 4 hours drive away, so I feel I missed having an adult relationship with her in a way.
They came last year for a month, they stayed with us as we used to have a house with a self contained flat downstairs, which my son had but he moved up into his old room so they could stay down there.

Its a big bloody emotional time, and leving family is harder than you think.
take care of yourself, I have said this before and I'll say it again, it sounds like your hubby is a top bloke and will look after you and your mum
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Old Jan 23rd 2007, 10:21 pm
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Default Re: First big row with family re: Leaving!!

Originally Posted by mazi View Post
Does your husband still have parents alive in NZ? Or any relatives, or friends? You'll never get away with Christmas alone if he does!

Glad your mum's feeling happier though.
Oh no, don't say that!!! Yes, it took us 2 hours to track down one of his uncles on our first day in Auckland?! Through the Post Office?! His Aunt picked up the phone and said, "Hi, cool, you're in NZ, come over tonite." and that was that! You'd never have known they had no idea we were coming or hadn't seen him for 25 years!!! I just remember thinking, I did not come all the way to NZ to spend my first day traipsing round the interior of Post Offices!! You've seen one envelope, you've seen them all!!

For the 1st time EVER, she apologised when I rang her back in tears for having "jumped the gun?!"
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Old Jan 23rd 2007, 10:44 pm
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Default Re: First big row with family re: Leaving!!

Originally Posted by Am Loolah View Post
Took dogs out for a lovely relaxing walk in the cold but sun today! Got thinking about yesterday's phonecall from mother. She's booked a trip/tour to NZ for November - we haven't booked our flights yet!! Told me, it's all booked, including leaving Auckland for 4 days in HK then back to Auckland as was part of the trip?!

Plus was then staying for 2-3 months - we can organise her somewhere to stay - stressed she wouldn't stay with us that long - just round the corner?!

And this would cover Christmas!

Hubby got bit miffed last nite and said he'd given up on caring about mad mother - which I knew wasn't true. But I got to thinking whilst walking dogs, that I don't want her with us for our first Christmas and she just hadn't asked, had just gone ahead and booked. Felt steam rollered into something I didn't want.

So stood up for myself and phoned mother on return from said dog walking.

2-3 months is too long. I don't want the responsibility of making sure she's got an itinery to keep her amused whilst the kids are at school and we're working. I don't want the responsibility of finding her somewhere to stay. I want our first Christmas to be just us.

... She very upset.

Spoke to Hubby, he said he'll organise getting her out there, and tours, and she should come for Christmas, and I need to go lie down!!!

Phoned her back and apologised, the Christmas thing was just silly and selfish (not to mention 11 months away!!) and consequently she's happier with cancelling the booking and handing the reins over to me and Hubby! Phew!!

Anyone else having a hard time from rellies about their impending emigration or just me?!
aw bless you, you poor thing

my mum was desperate to come out to see me, and she was so excited last week when i spoke to her '6 weeks till we come ' she said. She cried at the airport and a couple of times before that, and my dad was a bit tearful at the airport too...this was so sad and I felt so guilty and makes me want to cry now i think about it

it is hard for you to leave, but it will sort itself out and all fall into place, even though it seems early days yet. but at least you seem to have sorted it out now without it escalating into a major issue that cant be dealt with, that would be much worse

sends you some karma to 'karm' down and have some bolly to cheer yourself up.
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Old Jan 23rd 2007, 10:58 pm
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Default Re: First big row with family re: Leaving!!

Originally Posted by Jude J View Post
Oh Loolah, I can guarantee it isn't just you love!
That sounded like it ended ok, are you happier about it now?
I didn't have any rows about leaving, but we had talked about it off and on for the 9 months leading up to our move. Then when we were booking the tickets, I phoned my mum to tell her, and she cried
She doesn't often cry (unlike me, I get it from my dad) so it was a big shock. I asked her why she was upset and she said that although we had been talking about it she didn't actually think we would go. I still get tearful when I think about it, I moved away from home at 19 so never lived near my parents as an adult, I was always at least 4 hours drive away, so I feel I missed having an adult relationship with her in a way.
They came last year for a month, they stayed with us as we used to have a house with a self contained flat downstairs, which my son had but he moved up into his old room so they could stay down there.

Its a big bloody emotional time, and leving family is harder than you think.
take care of yourself, I have said this before and I'll say it again, it sounds like your hubby is a top bloke and will look after you and your mum
I left home at 17 and was never very close to my mum, that's something that came along much later in life. But I'm pretty much all my mum has as she is in her 70's, recently separated and neither of my 2 older brothers really give her much consideration. They don't have kids tho and she see's it as my taking her Grandchildren away from her. I rang her to tell her I'd got my residency visa to which her response was "Oh No?!" Knowing how much it meant to me? If I knew where we'd be 8 months after arriving I'd be better placed to cope. But I have no idea and I think that's what I stress about.

Hubby's not stupid, we've known each other soooo long that he knows when I get anxiety and stressed (have suffered from wonky donky in the past) the person who suffers most after me is him!!! He's a good man - but don't tell him that!
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Old Jan 23rd 2007, 11:03 pm
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Default Re: First big row with family re: Leaving!!

Originally Posted by kwprwn View Post

aw bless you, you poor thing

my mum was desperate to come out to see me, and she was so excited last week when i spoke to her '6 weeks till we come ' she said. She cried at the airport and a couple of times before that, and my dad was a bit tearful at the airport too...this was so sad and I felt so guilty and makes me want to cry now i think about it

it is hard for you to leave, but it will sort itself out and all fall into place, even though it seems early days yet. but at least you seem to have sorted it out now without it escalating into a major issue that cant be dealt with, that would be much worse

sends you some karma to 'karm' down and have some bolly to cheer yourself up.
Thank you for the Bolly, and the karma which I can't drink!

Yes, Hubby was kinda suprised that I confronted it before allowing it to consume me, and I think quite pleased - not in a nasty way - just that I hadn't let it consume me.

Already have laid down the law re: Departure ... nobody is allowed to come to the airport.

My mum and dad are divorced, dad happily remarried, but mum sadly just split up with latest boyfriend. So imagine it's harder from that perspective.

Haven't asked Dad if he'll come out, adore him and don't see him much, so used to that. But very sweetly, he's going to pay for mother to come out and visit the first time. But don't tell my Stepmother!!!!!
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Old Jan 23rd 2007, 11:16 pm
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Default Re: First big row with family re: Leaving!!

Originally Posted by Am Loolah View Post
Already have laid down the law re: Departure ... nobody is allowed to come to the airport.
Bloody good idea. I didn't want anyone either. But my baby sister (aged 33!) is the only sister left in Uk and she felt she should be there. Bro-in-law was late getting home from work then they got stuck in traffic, we were ready to go through to the departure lounge but she phoned to say they were on their way. We hung about and waited, but it was awful. By the time they got there, littlest neice was screaming as she had been asleep in the car, sister was red faced and looked like the little lost girl she was when I used to hide from her when she was a little pest... urgh, horrible, definatley stick to your guns...NOBODY at the airport
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Old Jan 23rd 2007, 11:54 pm
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Default Re: First big row with family re: Leaving!!

Originally Posted by Am Loolah View Post
Thank you for the Bolly, and the karma which I can't drink!

Already have laid down the law re: Departure ... nobody is allowed to come to the airport.



Haven't asked Dad if he'll come out, adore him and don't see him much, so used to that. But very sweetly, he's going to pay for mother to come out and visit the first time. But don't tell my Stepmother!!!!!
I also gave you more karma as I couldnt remember whether i did the first time

my mum was absolutely adamant about taking us to the airport, I didnt dare say no

I did tell owen i would rather have gone without the leaving parties as I knew people would cry...my sister (older than me) she started to blub in the middle of the nightclub and that set me and all the other female peoples in the party off. owen took me home after that as I was in a bit of a state, i knew as soon as others started crying then that would be it for me

but I was kind of glad to have my mum and dad at the airport
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Old Jan 24th 2007, 12:38 am
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Default Re: First big row with family re: Leaving!!

Oh Caroline, I'm so sorry. I've been an expat now - first in France and now in the US, for very close to 15 years now. I felt 'pushed out' by my parents, as they nudged the idea of boarding school on me for secondary school (I refused, hell I wanted to actually be with them!!! ) then they refused to let me take a year out before uni so I could do the course I dearly wanted to do (and probably would have settled full-time in Poitiers, France afterwards...). I felt they just wanted me out of the house. So now I find it difficult to 'believe' them when they say how much they wish I were nearer. But they never said it so much when I was in southwest France and didn't have their only grandchild in tow...

Anyway, YOU must do what is best for YOUR family. Meaning... YOUR family is you, your husband, and your children. I make that very clear to my mother-in-law, who is currently living with us as her new house is still being built, and she managed to sell her old one very quickly (28 days from being on the market to closing! ). She pretty much decided that she's a part of our immediate family, but I had to set that straight. I always say so infront of my daughter that she, Daddy and I are our family.

MIL has gradually, if grudgingly, accepted that...

Best of luck to you Caroline... many hugs!!
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Old Jan 24th 2007, 7:08 am
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Default Re: First big row with family re: Leaving!!

Hi AL
you need a drink lovey but i think you handled it all rather well, good on yer.
i know its tough i'm an only child & have also brought the only grandchildren out, so i know its tough, but as my mum says at least she has here friends & family there we have no one
karma for you honey xx
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Old Jan 24th 2007, 7:50 am
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Default Re: First big row with family re: Leaving!!

You poor fairy.

Don't families just like to put you on a guilt trip.

You could always go away for Xmas.
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Old Jan 24th 2007, 8:20 am
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Default Re: First big row with family re: Leaving!!

I´m dreading telling my mum! She´s 84 (albeit a very sprightly) and she was dead against us coming to Spain and taking her beloved GD away from her and cried loads... I dread to think what I´m going to tell her if we get our EOI accepted...

By the way, Am Loolah... how much was it for you to take each of your Dobies over please?
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Old Jan 24th 2007, 8:48 am
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Default Re: First big row with family re: Leaving!!

Hello mate

Sorry to hear of your plight. Unfortunatly, its a little close to home for me! I was never close to my parents until the last few years. I was living in Australia when I had my first baby and they came out to stay with us, I was really looking forward to the support. It didn't turn out like I imagined though. They spent all the time with my sister touring around, leaving little time for us. One time our car broke down and we couldn't really get around, they had a rental, but never offered us the use of it, although they did my sister. My sister was still living at home, so hadn't yet understood the concept of tidying up after herself, and that utilities in the house actually came with bills. She was a real pain the proverbial. When my family left, it was a relief! I could actually relax without spending all day cleaning, shopping, looking after baby and husband. We then came to spend time with them while I was nearing the end of my second pregnancy, not sure why I thought it would be different. But we decided to stay for xmas and then leave for NZ in the new year, i.e, hopefully soon! Anyway, LOTS of comments about noisy baby/toddler. Lots of old school ideas on how to raise kids, we've almost fallen into a routine of me being 16 again, and them commenting on everything, from what I eat/drink, to what I say! And me having this incredible urge to rebel against them! We're really looking forward to having our own space again, as is my liver because the amount I'm drinking now is frankly, a tad worrying! They've already started to plan their intended trip to NZ! We need to sort out house, car, jobs, schools, etc, but they're thinking some time this year and checking months over with me!! And so my dilemma, can't wait to get the hell out, but know I will miss them like crazy! Plus I kind of feel I 'owe' them for letting us stay with them for so long. My husband has family in NZ, and that's another story! My Mother-in-law is the devil reincarnate, and my Father-in-Law has already started hinting about us all getting together, even though we've not actually spoken with said beseeching evil for a good couple of years.

Ah well, the joy of dysfunctional families! There's got to be some emotional crap thrown into the stress of moving, or else it would be too easy!

So, I'm right there with you!

Sending Karma - which I've just learnt to use!

Nikki x
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Old Jan 24th 2007, 8:55 am
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Default Re: First big row with family re: Leaving!!

Originally Posted by Littletoe View Post
Hello mate

Sorry to hear of your plight. Unfortunatly, its a little close to home for me! I was never close to my parents until the last few years. I was living in Australia when I had my first baby and they came out to stay with us, I was really looking forward to the support. It didn't turn out like I imagined though. They spent all the time with my sister touring around, leaving little time for us. One time our car broke down and we couldn't really get around, they had a rental, but never offered us the use of it, although they did my sister. My sister was still living at home, so hadn't yet understood the concept of tidying up after herself, and that utilities in the house actually came with bills. She was a real pain the proverbial. When my family left, it was a relief! I could actually relax without spending all day cleaning, shopping, looking after baby and husband. We then came to spend time with them while I was nearing the end of my second pregnancy, not sure why I thought it would be different. But we decided to stay for xmas and then leave for NZ in the new year, i.e, hopefully soon! Anyway, LOTS of comments about noisy baby/toddler. Lots of old school ideas on how to raise kids, we've almost fallen into a routine of me being 16 again, and them commenting on everything, from what I eat/drink, to what I say! And me having this incredible urge to rebel against them! We're really looking forward to having our own space again, as is my liver because the amount I'm drinking now is frankly, a tad worrying! They've already started to plan their intended trip to NZ! We need to sort out house, car, jobs, schools, etc, but they're thinking some time this year and checking months over with me!! And so my dilemma, can't wait to get the hell out, but know I will miss them like crazy! Plus I kind of feel I 'owe' them for letting us stay with them for so long. My husband has family in NZ, and that's another story! My Mother-in-law is the devil reincarnate, and my Father-in-Law has already started hinting about us all getting together, even though we've not actually spoken with said beseeching evil for a good couple of years.

Ah well, the joy of dysfunctional families! There's got to be some emotional crap thrown into the stress of moving, or else it would be too easy!

So, I'm right there with you!

Sending Karma - which I've just learnt to use!

Nikki x
heres something wierd, my in laws are coming in Dec, & i'm really excited (honestly i am, but we do get on really well, i'know i'm strange, but my mum & me can drive each other mad in about 2 days!!!)
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