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Fiancé very homesick 7 months in

Fiancé very homesick 7 months in

Old Jun 10th 2010, 12:48 pm
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Question Fiancé very homesick 7 months in

Hi there
I know you guys probably thinking there's so many of these homesickness posts out there but I need some advice
my folks moved over to nz 3 years ago and I didn't follow I'm now 22 and in November 2009 me n my fiancé decided to join them in nelson nz
my OH had to leave his family who he's very close too including his nephew and his baby niece. Since his new niece was born a few months ago he's become really homesick
he's currently working but I am not as I've been waiting for my dependant residence to come through now I've got it he's suddenly sprung on me that he wants to go home to the uk we've talked cried and struggled to decide what to do.
I'm so torn its unbelievable I've hardly had chance to make friends as we have no kids and I haven't been working he's made a few friends from work etc and I thought he was settling in
I'm in such limbo now as I don't know what to do
by reading some of the threads I've noticed people have suffered the sand problems but not our age range
how has other people coped and do you know anyone in similar circumstances that's suffered any advice would be gladly appreciated
like I said I'm in limbo
thanks in advance
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Old Jun 10th 2010, 3:25 pm
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Default Re: Fiancé very homesick 7 months in

Hi,
Not sure how much this will help. I went out to NZ last July and spent 7 months there with my BF who has residency already as he grew up there. I was very homesick and made the decision to come back to the UK as I didn't think I could cope without family as we're very close. I will have been back in the UK for 6 months - all this time my bf and I have kept our (long distance) relationship going (joys of skype). I'm going back to NZ in 7 weeks time. I still don't know if it's the right thing to do. My heart is so torn - I so badly want to be with my BF and I know he doesn't want to be in the UK so it seems like this is the only choice. I keep reading over and over again that it takes years to settle. I have felt in limbo too for the time I've been back and when there. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. It is a very rough and bumpy road. we talked and cried a lot. I am going back because of 'us' - no other reason and I hope it's enough. I have to give it a proper go (at the very least a year) before I make a proper decision. If I was to give any advice to your OH - it's what I keep telling myself - give it time and stick it out until you're at a stage where you can make a logical decision. A rash decision is made on too much raw emotion. You guys have got time on your side - what if your fiancee came back for an extended holiday to see everyone? I've had to get my parents to plan to come out at christmas so I know I'll have that to look forward to. I'm sure you probably have, but do you have skype? So your fiancee can talk to and see his family? It's not the same but it does help.
Its very tough because you've just got your parents back and he has left everyone behind. At the end of the day you have to do what is right for you - if you decide to stay and he decides to come back don't close the door on the relationship - it may be something he has to do for himself before you end up back together again. The homesickness really clouded my relationship feelings - it didn't mean I didn't love my BF, but the homesickness is such a strong physical feeling it certainly didn't help!!! The biggest thing is not to bottle anything up and keep talking.
Don't know if this has helped at all, but I know what your OH is going through -it's horrible - and unfortunately I don't think there is a right decision - someone gets hurt no matter which way you cut it! Definatly plan now for visits back - the otherside of the world always seems so bloody far away, but if you go often enough it won't seem so far!!!!
Right I think that is a long enough essay!
Take care,

Kate x
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Old Jun 11th 2010, 4:08 am
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Default Re: Fiancé very homesick 7 months in

Hi kate
I want to thankyou for your reply, Its such a a relief to know someone else out there is in limbo in regards to a relationship as well as family and friends and familiar surroundings.
My OH does talk to his parents and all his family a lot and recently broke down on webcam due to seeing his 2 month old niece, I know things are hard for him.
I am going through all sorts of emotions as originally it was his idea to pack up and leave as despite all the probs in the uk I was quite happy plodding along as some do.
I am going through soo many emotions right now part of me feels a little angry (not at him directly i cant blame him one bit) then I just want to break down and cry my eyes out.
Its so hard to find a medium, I would not say I am REALLY happy here mainly because hes not but also I haven't really lived out here yet everythings still new ive got no girlfriends barely any friends at all (sad I know).
Probably because I havent been able to look for work up until a few weeks ago so therefore no friends.
I haven't had money to explore yet but I miss so many little things in the UK.
I don't think I could do the long distance thing but I do admire you for doing it, hes pretty much been my right arm for the passed few years as I have been through a lot of issues.
It breaks my heart talking to my parents last night about this all as I know they have been so much happier since I have been here.

I know that only I can make the decision as everyone has told me....im going to spend the weekend chatting and thinking and see where it takes us....watch this space ill let you know how I go

thanks again kate i feel like we are not the only ones out there
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Old Jun 12th 2010, 5:16 am
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Default Re: Fiancé very homesick 7 months in

This is a tough one all round isn't it. There will be no easy answer & I am truly sorry to read of both your struggles.
You have your loving family here but people he truly loves are back in the UK. I don't think it matters what age you are when it comes to love and care. The pain of being apart when you are not used to it is still the same.

It's easy to say that time will help but it does help a bit . At 6 months in or so, I would expect all manner of emotions and upheavals. Crikey. I've been with my bloke for donkey's years and I was still all over the place at leaving my Dad and my much beloved Bournemouth. It did get better with time and as we built a life here in NZ. It didn't happen quickly but I got used to it.

The best thing you can both do right now is to keep talking and also to listen to each other. Let it out and don't bottle it up.

Remember --- nothing is forever. It just isn't. He will see his family again and if you do return to the UK , then you will see your family again.



A true story to share with you

We have some friends here. ( Yes we do have friends ) They came out to NZ 5 years or so ago with their 2 children & little to no money . They have had a very tough 5 years or so but now have PR.
During these times , they have been through some pretty rough patches & it's not surprising given the stress of their circumstances.
During all that time, Mrs Friend did not really settle. She spoke with her Mum every single day . Mrs Friend would be in tears often over the distance between her Mum and herself. She felt pain for not being closer. She drove Mr Friend mental by not being able to simply just 'be' in the present but to always fret about not being close with her Mum.
Mrs. Friend's daughter also did not truly settle, despite doing well here, but hankered after what she had left behind as a young teenager.
2 months ago, Mrs Friend made a longed for trip back to her home country and to be with her beloved Mum and immediate family. She took her daughter with her.
It wasn't what she expected. It didn't go the way she thought. It wasn't all how she remembered it . Her family were still her loved family but everything was the same for them and only she had moved on. Her place was making her life in New Zealand as she had originally chosen.
For having gone back for that visit, she is now living a much happier life here in NZ as it settled her mind.

It's OK for your fiance to be mourning the loss of his UK life. It really is. Maybe if you both had left your respective parents , you would have both been sharing a sense of adventure as there would only have been the two of you.
As it is, you have regained access to your parents whereas he just feels loss at the present time.

It's not for me to say but I will anyway coz I['m a cheeky old so-and-so. Rather than be thinking of a complete return to the UK or for him to leg it back pronto loke, plan to make a good return for maybe just after or before next Christmas ( UK winter ) or into next Spring. Something to aim for & to look forward to as a couple.


Whatever have some {{ hugs}}} not that I do hugs and let us know how it all goes.
If he wants to offload here , then that is fine. So many of us will understand. Honestly.
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Old Jun 12th 2010, 6:40 am
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Default Re: Fiancé very homesick 7 months in

If he wants to return he will. At the moments he's wanting you to go with him
but in the future if the yearning doesnt subside he may well decide to go it alone.
He came here and made huge sacrifices to share the dream with you,
personally i think if you intend to be together you should make a sacrifice for him.
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Old Jun 14th 2010, 2:41 am
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Default Re: Fiancé very homesick 7 months in

Many people go through the same thing unfortunatley. It is very hard when you leave lots of people behind and come to the other side of the World.

I came over to NZ in 2004 all by myself and I did not know a single soul over here!

In all honesty it took me about 2.5yrs to really get over my homesickness. Not so much missing the country, but missing my friends/family.

To be honest, 7 months is not really giving it a really good go. I would be telling him to keep his chin up and set a future date that you guys can sit down again and talk about it.

Try and get him involved in fun things he likes doing and get him joined some kind of club where he will meet similar folks.

It helps loads if people can even come over and visit. I had lots of people say they would come, but never did, and that was very hard to deal with.

Moving to New Zealand can be like driving over a large mountain in an old car. It can be very hard making it to the top, but once you're there it plain sailing down the other side.

Also, I see people all the time comparing every single thing to the UK. this can be a recipe for disaster. If people wanted the things they had in the UK, then why move at all.

sorry for the rant, hope it helps you a bit!!
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Old Jun 15th 2010, 7:16 am
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Default Re: Fiancé very homesick 7 months in

I really feel for you and your fiance in this horrible situation. So I am going to tell you what has happened in my situation .......

After 4 and a half years in NZ I still don't feel settled and I am returning to the UK soon. Its the being so far away from family thing that I can't come to terms with (all my leave and money is spent flying home).

I see the same issues over in NZ as we left behind in the UK - the world is very much the same these days with globalisation and internet etc etc however much we try to delude ourselves that the grass is greener somewhere else.

My husband does not want to set foot in the UK again and has made it quite clear that he has no intention of returning(no tangible reason I think he just doesn't want to "lose face" by returning. For the last few years I have always flown back alone to visit my family and then always wondered why I was getting on a plane back to NZ when the only one person here for me was my husband. So many tears at LHR.

I would say that this 'issue' has eaten away at us both for years and has not been resolvable for mutual satisfaction - one of us would always be resentful of the other I feel if we stayed together - so after much tears and heart searching I am heading back to the UK alone.

Good luck and I hope you guys work something out. There is no easy answer when two halves want to be in two so very far apart places.
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