elizabeth_j_gill

---and to Expat Kiwi... I'm working on it But, he's in a different position to me. He owns a home, I don't. I have a profession of sorts which is transferable relatively easily as regards immigration papers, he doesn't. He is a little older than me; perhaps more set in his ways, and frankly, from what I know of him, very much a true Kiwi. I am not sure long term how much he would like living here in England. On the other hand, except for missing working (or rather, missing a solid income) and missing certain things about England, like my family and shopping (!) I had a ball in New Zealand, and really enjoyed being there.

cookie2b

Hi yeah i totally get your worries about maintaining your career, I started my teaching degree here and I am hoping to continue it once we have setlled, however i do worry that i'l loose the drive to start over with my studies, and going back to education here was bad enough, (Hate being the new kid)

But i guess what will be will be im, so far past trying to tell the future lol i give up im going to just close my eyes and jump and hope that i fall on my feet

all the best. xxxx

elizabeth_j_gill

Good luck to you too!!

elizabeth_j_gill

Hi there, all.
I hope everyone is well; I thought I might update you on the situation as it stands, in some ways looking for any kind of reassurance/advice/anything if people have felt the same, at any point.
In January, after 3 pretty hard months of getting back 'on track' (those of you that have followed the thread know where I'm coming from), I booked to fly to NZ on 10th April. I was excited beyond belief to be seeing Kiwi chap again.
On Friday, just before I was about to leave, it seemed an impossibility to be going out, to go through all of that again. I still love him, very much, but I think what stands in the way of me making the plunge to move to New Zealand might not be the distance after all. He is absolutely lovely, but i don't think has any concept of how vast the distance is; he doesn't seem willing for us to talk about things sensible and seems to want me to direct the entire route of the relatinship, as well as expect me to leave everything I know behind. Just the day before I was due to fly, he was too busy to talk to me. And all along, since we met, its always been me, pushing the shole thing along. I know he loves me. I know I love him, but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't get on that flight, knowing that the whole time would be spent not knowing how this was ever going to work out. So I didn't fly, and now things are horrendous. I don't know what will happen. I don't know if he realises that the reason I couldn't get on that plane has to do with him, or what. The thought of never working this out breaks my heart and yet I feel paralysed. Help?

Jan n Neil

Scuse me for being a bit black and white, but was he expecting you on a certain date? Was he heartbroken when you didn't turn up? Will he wait for you forever, to make your decision - which you started to make by buying the air ticket, but then changed?

If the answer to the last two are most definite YES's then please just go and have an adventure. I've had so many adventures since I was your age As Oscar Wilde said, Youth is wasted on the Young, and we get older very quickly...

But if you think he is not heartbroken that you didn't turn up as promised, then........... At this early stage in your relationship, it helps to be totally mad about each other

Actually, we all enter relationships not knowing how they will work out, it's just that some are with people around the corner. But it's the same risk, irrespective of country.

Jan

Batty

One thing I've learned over the course of a 17 year relationship with a Kiwi 'bloke' is that they are not complicated. If you said something to him and 'meant' him to read something else into it then you're on a losing streak to nowhere. You've got to be more blunt than you've ever considered before - they don't see it as being rude - they see it as you telling them what's on your mind. Innuendo and hints etc just float over them and I really believe this is the case for most of them. You'd have a fantastic relationship with this guy who's in love with you so long as you don't expect him to be Lord Byron. Some of them, my husband for one, are very romantic (ew - I'm not) but in a no-nonsense me tarzan you jane sort of way.

There's not much point really in asking anyone on here for help - you've got to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy without making him feel guilty because you 'gave up so much for him'. Either you're coming to be his partner or you're not. I don't think you should put conditions on it.

elizabeth_j_gill

I can see your points of view; obviously, in a forum, its impossible really to give the full picture and so I am sure that I come across as a spoilt English girl demanding to be treated like Mr Darcy's Elizabeth! Which isn't the case at all.
I wouldn't want to put conditions upon any relationship - and as you said, Jan, that's whether its in this country or any other. I guess, though, I had to say what I felt - and that was that I can't do crap communication. It's more key to me than anything else, especially in a (currently - maybe, was currently) long distance relationship. There's nothing else I would change. I see that he's a bit different to a lot of English guys, and I love that about him. But I can't be doing with being unable to discuss things in a forward moving and equal way.
I know what you're saying about not being much point asking for advice on here, so I pulled the thread (which is weird, as it's still here). But thanks for your advice.

Batty

Sorry, didn't mean that post to sound as harsh as it did - I think you've already made up your mind anyway by not getting on the plane. Que sera sera

BEVS

Hey. Hey. This is all about you thinking it through. You're kinda thinking out loud to us and that's good coz that's what this place is about. Support and sharing. You wanna bounce off us, then that's fine. You never know , something in the answers might strike a chord and suddenly things will seem clearer. Less difficult.

You know. Coming out across the entire world is a roller coaster for most all of us and we do it with our partners and families in place. You have that at the back of your mind as well as considering your future happiness with this blokey.

You haven't come across as anything to me. Just someone thinking about an important decision .

There are several people on here who've had long distance relationships. Some have met online. I didn't. I met my husband when I was 38 and puddled in a night club. I didn't even know his name for 2 weeks. He's not a Kiwi but he certainly is simple and straightforward. Communication with him can completely do my head in at times He's laid back and anything for a quiet life. I'm the dynamic that makes things happen. It's caused no end of bovver and friction over the years
Maybe it is this type of a difference that is concerning you right now .

FWIW and in my long experience, if you feel there is the need for a discussion with him about how you both approach communication in the relationship , then you will have to do this face to face. Looking at him. The phone won't do it. He probably doesn't even 'get' the turmoil you're going through & even after you've almost expired trying to explain it to him, he probably still won't really 'get' it but he may then know that more effort is needed.

I understand my OH better now. His inner self and workings I mean . Just because I couldn't hear it or even see it in the way I was familiar with didn't mean the care or love wasn't there. It was just a part of his nature that I hadn't really met before and didn't understand for a while.

Persephone

Well said BEVS.
I am now intrigued about your and Mr BEVS's first meeting. Maybe I should start a thread about how we all met our partners

Elizabeth, I am someone who met their kiwi on holiday, spent a couple of years in a long distance relationship and after that time we decided that we both still wanted to give it a go and I moved over here. I had not even considered living anyhere other than the UK before that.There was never any question of him moving to the UK mainly due to his job. I could work here but he would have difficulty over there so there was and never has been any real need for discussion about it after I had said I would move to NZ. We discussed the potential difficulties ie homesickness, me not settling into life in NZ, what to do if I couldn't get a job etc. It helps that neither of us are big on in depth discussions so we tend to decide on things very easily and without a lot of talk [usually!] We are very similar in that respect. Having said that I do recognise a lot of what you've written about your partner in mine- maybe it's a NZer thing or maybe just a man thing
I feel the same about Mr S, he can be very difficult to read in terms of how he is feeling at times which drives me mad. I am learning every day and will probably never fully understand him

I seem to remember you were concerned about how easily you would find work over here, forgive me if I'm wrong but that did seem to be the main focus of your doubts [I haven't read through the whole thread recently though so could be wrong]. I can say that if I knew it may be difficult to get work then I would have had second thoughts about moving over. I really don't know what I would have done if I didn't expect to find work. My view right from the start has been that if it works out then great. If it doesn't then I would try not to have any regrets about the whole experience and hey I can always move back to the UK, this isn't an irreversible decision. I knew I would have regrets if I didn't give it a go.
How does he feel about you not getting on the plane? That may be something you cannot gauge fully over the phone.
Anyway I'm not sure how much help I was there. I have no regrets about taking a chance on living here with him.
Hope you manage to come to a decision soon x

elizabeth_j_gill

Thank you both, BEVS and Persephone, for your kind posts. You articulated pretty well how I'm feeling. It's not, and never was, about letting him know how much I'm 'giving up'.
I kind of get what you mean, BEVS, about learning facets of character you've not come across before; I guess sometimes its just harder to deal with the bits you're not so keen on, when your thousands of miles away from familiarity and the only other animal you know well within 12000 miles is a funny old Border Collie.
I guess I'm just all a bit scared of it all to be honest, for better or for worse. Kiwi chap tells me I am a 'pain in his arse' very often, and this isn't a surprise at all!
Persephone - yes, I am a little worried about work, both from a financial point of view, and also from the point of view that I'm not really sure how I would cope in a very rural area with no job, not much money, not many friends, and my lovely man who has to work 12 hour days most days. I'm a teacher, and so getting the 'points' to move wouldn't be problem, but getting work will be another matter. On my last visit, I took around my CV to 4 schools within an hours's driving radius, and I never heard back from any. I also get regular EdGazette updates but nothing has come up that I could even apply for as a History and English teacher. Believe me, I've been looking!! Financially, then, this situation worries me, because I have no idea how I'd be able to pay to come home for visits if I weren't working. I was on sabbatical last year and so I've been a while with very little cash, and you can't get far without it, is what I learned.
I wouldn't want to come out, with the worry of any regrets - you're right, of course. And in many many ways, this is the ideal time. I don't own a house currently, I've been in my current job about 8 years. But, if I can't get a job and this thing all turns to custard, then getting back into a teaching job in my area (never been any shortage, less so now plus the fact my experience makes me about twice as expensive as NQTs) is going to be so difficult.
Was he disappointed? Yes, and it makes me sad. Maybe I misread his inability to communicate; he sometimes says off the cuff comments like, "So, we'll cut all ties. Time is a great healer" etc etc, which I find confusing.
Interestingly, I find HIM confusing; I think I can communicate in quite a simple way. I don't play games. I think a previous poster commented that I might have done something hoping to get a particular reaction. I'm not really interested in game playing - I'm pretty sure we all have better things to do! But fear of communication issues compounding an already tricky issue in my heart made me hit the panic button.
Anyway, thanks again you two for your posts. I appreciate the words.

Persephone

You probably have already done this but try thinking about your situation but in reverse- put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if you couldn’t move to NZ for various reasons and he was willing to move to the UK?
I know I would have some level of insecurity if someone moved over for me, leaving everything they were used to and their way of life. I would not want to appear to put any pressure on someone to do that for me, it would ultimately have to be their decision. Your partner may be more anxious about the situation than he will ever let you know.
Thinking about the move this way helped me rationalise how my partner was possibly feeling at that time and why his reactions sometimes seemed a little strange or even discouraging at times.

You made some comment about him wanting you to direct the direction of the relationship and also you being the one to change your way of life. Mr S was the same. Our take on that was this: he wanted me to move over but since I am the one making the sacrifices then I should be the one to make the final decision. It had to be up to me to reconcile leaving the UK and moving abroad since I would be the one doing it. This may sound like him not caring but it was more about him not wanting me to make such a big change to my life and then regretting it. [Think I've said the same thing in both paragraphs there but I'll leave the post as it stands]

I really really feel for you, your quandary could well have been mine 3 years ago if it wasn’t for a fortuitous choice of career for me many years previously and the fact he lived in an area where work was easy to come by. There is no simple answer unfortunately. Have you tried contacting potential employers again? They may be more interested if you can give a definite date by which you would be in NZ.
Hoping the answer to your dilemma is becoming clearer x