Fallen for a Kiwi - now what?
#61
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Re: Fallen for a Kiwi - now what?
Thanks Londonescapee... I'm not sure; are there age restrictions on getting a UK holiday visa? TBH, he's pretty set in his ways and has a mortgage etc so am not sure how easy it would be to 'opt out' for six months or a year... I guess a solution will come along at some point, or at least something which provides some guidance as to the best way forward. Until then................
#62
Re: Fallen for a Kiwi - now what?
Thanks Londonescapee... I'm not sure; are there age restrictions on getting a UK holiday visa? TBH, he's pretty set in his ways and has a mortgage etc so am not sure how easy it would be to 'opt out' for six months or a year... I guess a solution will come along at some point, or at least something which provides some guidance as to the best way forward. Until then................
Ah men, set in their ways, that sounds very familiar. My Kiwi is very much the same, HATES change and doing anything out of the norm unless it involves a steam train (his particular passion, don't ask!). It's a miracle he ever made it out of the west coast to be honest! But then on the upside he is very handy in a crisis/plumbing in washing machines/garden/diy/anything practical (I am pants) general all round awesome, stable bloke I am a lucky girl. I am sure your fella is as well. All the best and do keep posting with your story.
#63
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Re: Fallen for a Kiwi - now what?
Good luck to you
#64
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Re: Fallen for a Kiwi - now what?
Oh still deciding, really. It's not something I can just decide as I am a teacher and I need really to give a term's notice. I don't know what to do - am in a real quandry. I think, probably, if a job came up there (ie, I was able to secure a position before travelling out there), I would feel more confident about moving there. Given the current economy over here in the Uk, and the fact that my subject (history) is not a shortage one, I would be crazy to just pack it all in without something else to go to. I might not get another one easily and could join the great unemployed which would be soul-destroying. The lovely Kiwi has a contact that may be able to help, so am waiting on contact details for him; maybe that will sway me one way or t'other?! Will be sure to update. Thanks for asking
#65
Re: Fallen for a Kiwi - now what?
One thing also occurred to me. How aligned is his vision of the future with yours? Do you hope to marry and raise a family? Make sure his vision is near enough to yours so that you are not in for some nasty shocks if you discover he doesn't have a long term plan that you could live with.
#66
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Re: Fallen for a Kiwi - now what?
Jmh - I'm wondering the same thing. My kiwi partner and I definitely want the same things long term (marriage, babies, even the same kind of dog! ) BUT if I want to come back to UK to be supported by my family once babies start appearing - he will do it for a couple of years maybe, but definitely not forever.
Is that a fair compromise do you think? He would hate to live for good in UK, and it wouldn't be fair to make him do that if he didn't want to, but what if I end up pregnant one day and desperate to be with my family in UK....(after this 'maternal' instinct kicks in that many of you mention, about the longing to be with your mum etc)...but he won't come with me?? I may then end up either having to be without my family (unfair) or leaving him and raising a child on my own. I know I'm looking way down the line as I'm not even planning on having children yet!!!! But shouldn't you make sure these kind of things are agreeable BEFORE you go down that real committment step? And if they aren't - then what??
Tough one.....
Is that a fair compromise do you think? He would hate to live for good in UK, and it wouldn't be fair to make him do that if he didn't want to, but what if I end up pregnant one day and desperate to be with my family in UK....(after this 'maternal' instinct kicks in that many of you mention, about the longing to be with your mum etc)...but he won't come with me?? I may then end up either having to be without my family (unfair) or leaving him and raising a child on my own. I know I'm looking way down the line as I'm not even planning on having children yet!!!! But shouldn't you make sure these kind of things are agreeable BEFORE you go down that real committment step? And if they aren't - then what??
Tough one.....
#67
Re: Fallen for a Kiwi - now what?
It is a tough decision isn't it. Often the third year is a make or break year in a relationship as each person loses the rose tinted glasses and sees reality. This can be good or bad depending on your point of view! It's also when each person evaluates what the future potential of the partner. It sounds to me like you have reached that quite normal part of the development of your relationship and having trouble making the next big step. Since there appears to be no urgency to make a decision why not give it a bit more time. Who knows, your feelings might change one way or the other without having to make a major decision.
I read once that there are 4 or 5 'the ones' in everyone's life. I'm not sure if that is true, but I can think of one or two 'the ones' in my life who I wouldn't give the time of day to now. But then maybe that's just me!!
I read once that there are 4 or 5 'the ones' in everyone's life. I'm not sure if that is true, but I can think of one or two 'the ones' in my life who I wouldn't give the time of day to now. But then maybe that's just me!!
#68
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Re: Fallen for a Kiwi - now what?
Too about about Ray and Debbie. This was a lovely thread.
Elizabeth, good on you for thinking this through.
Pricklykina, I know exactly what you mean - I will have been here 10 years next year. And I agree with Tiri too, though it was harsh: I know that, unless we move to NZ, if we were ever to split up I am stuck here for the forseable future because of my Canadian-born daughter. There would be no 'going home'. You never think this stuff through when you move for love, and I don't regret it, and we're not splitting up, but ...yeah.
We have talked about doing a year in NZ but it's probably not going to happen due to OH's career. I kinda envy you people that have gone back and forth.
Elizabeth, good on you for thinking this through.
Pricklykina, I know exactly what you mean - I will have been here 10 years next year. And I agree with Tiri too, though it was harsh: I know that, unless we move to NZ, if we were ever to split up I am stuck here for the forseable future because of my Canadian-born daughter. There would be no 'going home'. You never think this stuff through when you move for love, and I don't regret it, and we're not splitting up, but ...yeah.
We have talked about doing a year in NZ but it's probably not going to happen due to OH's career. I kinda envy you people that have gone back and forth.
Last edited by ExKiwilass; Oct 24th 2010 at 5:02 pm.
#69
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Re: Fallen for a Kiwi - now what?
Thanks Kiwilass
Not sure about the envying of to-ing and fro-ing... I kind of think that the C21 has made it easier for those of us that fall for someone miles away (in my case 12,000 of them!!) to be indecisive. In another time, we would have just accepted that we'd met someone special then put the whole thing to bed because iof the logistic impossibility of making it work (expensive flights, no Skype to stay in touch etc). In so many ways we're lucky but with this comes really difficult decisions.
It will all work out for the best in the end; most things do.
Not sure about the envying of to-ing and fro-ing... I kind of think that the C21 has made it easier for those of us that fall for someone miles away (in my case 12,000 of them!!) to be indecisive. In another time, we would have just accepted that we'd met someone special then put the whole thing to bed because iof the logistic impossibility of making it work (expensive flights, no Skype to stay in touch etc). In so many ways we're lucky but with this comes really difficult decisions.
It will all work out for the best in the end; most things do.
#70
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Posts: 6,695
Re: Fallen for a Kiwi - now what?
Thanks Kiwilass
Not sure about the envying of to-ing and fro-ing... I kind of think that the C21 has made it easier for those of us that fall for someone miles away (in my case 12,000 of them!!) to be indecisive. In another time, we would have just accepted that we'd met someone special then put the whole thing to bed because iof the logistic impossibility of making it work (expensive flights, no Skype to stay in touch etc). In so many ways we're lucky but with this comes really difficult decisions.
It will all work out for the best in the end; most things do.
Not sure about the envying of to-ing and fro-ing... I kind of think that the C21 has made it easier for those of us that fall for someone miles away (in my case 12,000 of them!!) to be indecisive. In another time, we would have just accepted that we'd met someone special then put the whole thing to bed because iof the logistic impossibility of making it work (expensive flights, no Skype to stay in touch etc). In so many ways we're lucky but with this comes really difficult decisions.
It will all work out for the best in the end; most things do.
#71
Re: Fallen for a Kiwi - now what?
Jmh - I'm wondering the same thing. My kiwi partner and I definitely want the same things long term (marriage, babies, even the same kind of dog! ) BUT if I want to come back to UK to be supported by my family once babies start appearing - he will do it for a couple of years maybe, but definitely not forever.
Is that a fair compromise do you think? He would hate to live for good in UK, and it wouldn't be fair to make him do that if he didn't want to, but what if I end up pregnant one day and desperate to be with my family in UK....(after this 'maternal' instinct kicks in that many of you mention, about the longing to be with your mum etc)...but he won't come with me?? I may then end up either having to be without my family (unfair) or leaving him and raising a child on my own. I know I'm looking way down the line as I'm not even planning on having children yet!!!! But shouldn't you make sure these kind of things are agreeable BEFORE you go down that real committment step? And if they aren't - then what??
Tough one.....
Is that a fair compromise do you think? He would hate to live for good in UK, and it wouldn't be fair to make him do that if he didn't want to, but what if I end up pregnant one day and desperate to be with my family in UK....(after this 'maternal' instinct kicks in that many of you mention, about the longing to be with your mum etc)...but he won't come with me?? I may then end up either having to be without my family (unfair) or leaving him and raising a child on my own. I know I'm looking way down the line as I'm not even planning on having children yet!!!! But shouldn't you make sure these kind of things are agreeable BEFORE you go down that real committment step? And if they aren't - then what??
Tough one.....
I must say having just spent a weekend in the Coromandel and watched kids running around with great abandon and looking at they life they could have, it just reinfoced my view that growing up here for young uns is on the whole so much better than what I could offer my offspring in the UK (depends on circumstances admittedly).
Elizabeth, I take it you are a secondary school teacher and not primary? I know from reading other posts and from looking at the teacher training websites here that primary school teachers here are not in demand either (I think) but secondary ones are. It would be interesting to see how secondary school history teachers from the UK fit in with the NZ curriculum
#72
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Re: Fallen for a Kiwi - now what?
Londonescapee: I get what you're saying about NZ being good for children. However, I think the point is a little over-egged on this board. I can see that for Kiwis (born and bred) that it must be amazing to have such a natural playground at their fingertips. Some might argue that for ex-pat children, is it better to have this natural playground but no access to traditional family friends/grandparents, or a normal bog-standard playground (which there are here! It's not all graffiti and guns) and the feeling of being rooted. The Uk gets such a bad press that you would think, visiting this board, that people emigrating were escaping some kind of living hell. I guess that I live in a nice area, the Cotswolds, and so I'm not exposed to all of the problems that might plague others in other parts. When I was out in NZ with my chap, all of his mates could not believe that I would find it hard to leave the Uk behind. It's funny, because generally Brits can understand why people might like to leave for NZ. I sometimes feel as though there is a hint of arrogance and smugness to those that have made their lives in NZ. This isn't meant to be a rant at anyone by the way - more just an observation, and I think it's important for everyone deciding whether to emigrate, that the land of the long white cloud isn't seen purely through rose-tinted spectacles. All countries have their upsides, all their downsides.
#73
Re: Fallen for a Kiwi - now what?
Londonescapee: I get what you're saying about NZ being good for children. However, I think the point is a little over-egged on this board. I can see that for Kiwis (born and bred) that it must be amazing to have such a natural playground at their fingertips. Some might argue that for ex-pat children, is it better to have this natural playground but no access to traditional family friends/grandparents, or a normal bog-standard playground (which there are here! It's not all graffiti and guns) and the feeling of being rooted. The Uk gets such a bad press that you would think, visiting this board, that people emigrating were escaping some kind of living hell. I guess that I live in a nice area, the Cotswolds, and so I'm not exposed to all of the problems that might plague others in other parts. When I was out in NZ with my chap, all of his mates could not believe that I would find it hard to leave the Uk behind. It's funny, because generally Brits can understand why people might like to leave for NZ. I sometimes feel as though there is a hint of arrogance and smugness to those that have made their lives in NZ. This isn't meant to be a rant at anyone by the way - more just an observation, and I think it's important for everyone deciding whether to emigrate, that the land of the long white cloud isn't seen purely through rose-tinted spectacles. All countries have their upsides, all their downsides.
I never underestimate the support of family. I have said in the past I really admire people who emigrate with no support on the other end. It must be hard to get a support network, the longer I stay here the more I worry about "fitting" in at home.
The main issue with a mixed marriage/partnership is that when you have two completely different frames of reference it is difficult to understand where the other is coming from. My childhood was just so different to my husband's no better, no worse, just very different. Whatever country we move to/live there will always be compromise...unless you accept that it will never work! One of the things I struggle with the most here is that when my husband's family all recall the "good old days" I have no input, no memories! I feel like my life only began 8 years ago, not 34!!!!! That is very hard. I am building memories here but it's not the same, problem is if we move home will it be like that for my husband?
So confusing isn't, sorry I'm not helping, but as someone in a mixed marriage I find it a struggle every day...but then my lovely husband has always said that wherever I am he would follow me anyway I hope that I can offer the same if we ever live in NZ and he desperately wanted to return to the UK.
#74
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Re: Fallen for a Kiwi - now what?
The main issue with a mixed marriage/partnership is that when you have two completely different frames of reference it is difficult to understand where the other is coming from. My childhood was just so different to my husband's no better, no worse, just very different.
Well, at least I got her into Milo TOTALLY fail on Marmite though.
#75
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Joined: Dec 2008
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Re: Fallen for a Kiwi - now what?
Londonescapee: I get what you're saying about NZ being good for children. However, I think the point is a little over-egged on this board. I can see that for Kiwis (born and bred) that it must be amazing to have such a natural playground at their fingertips. Some might argue that for ex-pat children, is it better to have this natural playground but no access to traditional family friends/grandparents, or a normal bog-standard playground (which there are here! It's not all graffiti and guns) and the feeling of being rooted. The Uk gets such a bad press that you would think, visiting this board, that people emigrating were escaping some kind of living hell. I guess that I live in a nice area, the Cotswolds, and so I'm not exposed to all of the problems that might plague others in other parts. When I was out in NZ with my chap, all of his mates could not believe that I would find it hard to leave the Uk behind. It's funny, because generally Brits can understand why people might like to leave for NZ. I sometimes feel as though there is a hint of arrogance and smugness to those that have made their lives in NZ. This isn't meant to be a rant at anyone by the way - more just an observation, and I think it's important for everyone deciding whether to emigrate, that the land of the long white cloud isn't seen purely through rose-tinted spectacles. All countries have their upsides, all their downsides.
I actually spent part of my childhood in the UK (Manchester & Guildford) and in NZ. From my individual kid's POV, NZ was better, but I think the UK was just such a massive culture shock to 7 year old kiwi me. We left before I really had time to adjust. But one thing I remember clearly was all the fantastic old churches and buildings we visited in the UK. I remember being enthralled. There is something to be said for being around so much history.