MANCESTER EARTHQUAKE APPEAL - Please, can you help?

An earthquake measuring 2.5 on the Richter scale hit Mancester
Just before Lunchtime Friday .Its epicentre was in Greater Mancester.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of
damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa
del Sol were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were
woken well before their giros arrived.

Radio Stations reported that hundreds of residents were confused and
bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that
something interesting had happened in Mancester other than a football riot. One resident - Tracy Sharon
Smith, a 15-year-old mother of five said, "It was such a shock, my
little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest
two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still
shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremey Kyle the next
morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried
on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000
crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found
large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books,
jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or
Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

***Breaking news***
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry
alco-pop.
'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, "Aylesham" said the girl,
"wossit gotta do wiv you!?!"