malcoltom

THIS ONE MADE ME LAUGH.SIMPLE MINDS!!!!

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any *****ing bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any *****ing bread, ask me again and I'll nail your *****ing beak to the bar you irritating b*stard of a *****ing bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?

DebsyW

Sorry if this has been told but with this thread running at 106 post I aint gonna check!



Little lad comes home from school and tells his Dad that he has got a part in the school play..
`Ive got to play the part of a man who has been married for 23 years` says the boy
`Never mind` says Dad.... `maybe you will get a speaking part next year!`

malcoltom

malcoltom

A man takes his wife to the live stock show. They start heading down the alley that house all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states: This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!"
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"
They precede to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year.
That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if he had to ***** the same cow every day."

malcoltom

In a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Good mornin' to yerz, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant."They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"****** Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything!"

malcoltom

At the Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When he finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He asked the lady, "Up or Down?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day She said yes, and here they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or Down?" The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or Down ? "She replied "Up."
This really confused the gentleman, so he asked, "What's the deal ? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing !"
She replied, "Well yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were "***** or DROWN"

malcoltom

A man walks into a bar and says to the barman "Line me up ten whiskies"
So the barman lines them up and the man gulps them down one after another.
"Jeez" says the barman "What are you celebrating then?".
"My first blow job" replies the man.
"Oh well" says the barman "for that I'll buy you one myself."
"No thanks" says the man "If ten doesn't get rid of the taste, another one wont help."
:curse:

malcoltom

I am a sailor in the NewZealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters,who lives in Palmerston North, is married to a guy from Liverpool, England.
My Father and Mother have recently been charged for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland.
I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt.Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand centre on charges of incest with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.
We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilizing her knowledge of the industry, working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Scouser?

malcoltom

Will Young, Robbie Williams and Kylie are on a night out. They all get pissed and on the way out of a club, Kylie trips over and goes head first into some railings getting her head stuck. Robbie being a cheeky monkey decides to lift up Kylies skirt and give her one. When he's finished he grins at Will and says "Your turn now mate".
Will bursts into tears, so Robbie says "What's wrong Will ?".
Will replies, "I'll never fit my head through those railings".

malcoltom

After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough. They could not afford a larger house so, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have anymore children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (small fireworks),light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to get a second opinion. The second doctor was just about to tell them about the medical procedure for a vasectomy when he realized how truly backwards these people were. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count "1...2...3...4...5...", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.....

weejie

Malcolmtom just wanted to say that your wee ditty's are great, but where do you get them all from? They have had me laughing out loud often Just wanted to say thanks for cheering me up

Phyllis

malcoltom

Nudge Nudge Phyliss. Would you believe me if i said i made them all up?

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an aircraft.
The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?'
I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.'"
"So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his old boy out. I swear, it was about a foot long and as big around as a baseball bat! "He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first............"

malcoltom

Indian chief decided it was time to give his 3 sons their adult names as they had reached manhood. So he gathered them in to his tent, together with the elders of the tribe.
He turns to the 1st son, "Son, you will be called Eagle. "
The 3rd son interrupts, "Father, father, what will I be called?"
"All in good time my son", replies the Chief.
He continues, "you will be called Eagle because you are strong and wise."
The Elders agreed.
He then turns to the 2nd son, but the 3rd son says "Father,father, what will I be called?"
"All in good time, my son" he replies.
He then continues to the 2nd son, "Son you will be called Swallow".
The 3rd son says again "Father, father, what will I be called?".
"All in good time my son" comes the reply.
He then continues, "you will be named Swallow because you are quick and cunning."
The Elders agree.
He then turns to the 3rd son who is asking, "Father Father,what will I be called?"
"Son, you will be called Thrush."
"Why is that father?" he asked excitedly.
"Because you are an irritating *****."

malcoltom

A fella out at the pub meets this beautiful girl. They chat for hours & he finds he has more in common with her than he has with any other girl.
They eventually went back to his place where they spent a few hours having the most mind-blowing sex he'd ever experienced. He kissed & licked her from head to toe, and even obliged when she asked him to stick his tongue up her bum, something he never thought he'd do or enjoy.
Eventually, exhausted, he drifted off to sleep, convinced that she was the girl of his dreams.
In the morning, he awoke to find her playing with his old man.
"You really can't get enough of my old man," he quipped with a cheeky grin on his face & the blood rushing to his groin.
Still stroking his rapidly growing member, she said, "Oh, I was just remembering back to what it was like when I had one."

CarolineSwan

love it