Bit of fun

Old Sep 3rd 2008, 8:39 pm
  #91  
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Undertakers have announced that when Michael Jackson dies, he will be melted down to make toys, so the kids can play with him for change.
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Old Sep 3rd 2008, 8:40 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Once upon a time there was a fly flying six inches above some water in a river. Out of nowhere a bass came along and saw the fly that was flying six inches above the water and said, "I wish that fly would drop four inches so I can jump up out of the water and eat the fly."
Then come along a bear and he saw what was going on and then he said,
"I wish that fly would only drop four inches, so the bass could jump out of the water and eat the fly, so I could grab and eat the bass."
Not long after that had happened a hunter came along and saw everything that was going on and said, "I wish that fly would just drop four inches so that the bass could jump out of the water and eat the fly, so the bear could go over and catch and eat the bass, so I could shoot the bear and have a nice trophy."
A few minutes later a mountain lion stops behind a bush and sees what is going on and says,
"I wish that fly would just drop four inches so the bass could jump out of the water and eat the fly, so the bear could go over and catch and eat the bass, and the hunter could shoot the bear, so I could jump out of this bush and land on the hunter and eat him."
All of a sudden the fly drops four inches so the bass jumps and eats the fly, the bear grabs and eats the bass, the hunter shoots the bear, and the mountain lion jumps over the hunter and lands right in the water.
And the moral of the story is: WHEN THE FLY DROPS, THE PUSSY GETS WET.
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Old Sep 3rd 2008, 8:42 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism.
Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people.
The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has sh*t his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father shagging the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t.


Thats all folks for today. The rest are not suitable for open forums.
How nice to be back in the land of the long sh***y winters. Bloody September and it is like November
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Old Sep 4th 2008, 5:21 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

God I needed that, thank you
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Old Sep 4th 2008, 6:07 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Originally Posted by malcoltom View Post


Thats all folks for today. The rest are not suitable for open forums.
How nice to be back in the land of the long sh***y winters. Bloody September and it is like November
How true is that its like winter here at the moment. Its winter in NZ and had a message from Gail to say they were sitting outside the pub having a drink in the sunshine and were having a BBQ later. I hope they save some of the sunshine for us when we arrive in December.

June
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Old Sep 4th 2008, 7:42 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems.
The seventy-year old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour cause my pee barely trickles out."
"That's nothing," said the eighty-year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a sh*t, but I have to sit on the crapper for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible.
"You think you've got problems," said the Ninety-year old. Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I sh*t like a pig." "So what's the problem ?" ask the other two.
"I don't wake up until 11:30 !!"
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Old Sep 4th 2008, 7:47 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Welcome back,have been needing a good laugh so thanks

Phyllis
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Old Sep 5th 2008, 2:31 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Well here's some more then

A father was watching his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was watching two insects mating.
"Daddy, what are those two flies doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the fly on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that gay sh*t in our garden!"
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Old Sep 5th 2008, 2:32 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mum", he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied
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Old Sep 5th 2008, 2:35 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde & a frightfully awful looking fat lady.
After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, & the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman has a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought - "That French son of a b*tch wanted to touch me & by a mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face".
The large lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde & she smacked him".
The Frenchman thought - "That *****ing Englishman put his hand on that blonde & by a mistake she slapped me".
The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French tw*t again"
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Old Sep 5th 2008, 2:36 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie.
The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and it is the best vodka
that he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly."
She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink
until the sun comes up.
Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will
drink vodka.
She gets the glass but asks him "Boris, why do we only need one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."
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Old Sep 6th 2008, 10:19 am
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.
Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.'
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite!'
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better
and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'.
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed.'
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'.
Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'
'Mick phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'
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Old Sep 6th 2008, 10:19 am
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Default Re: Bit of fun

There were these two English chaps having lunch in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch.
They aproached the waitress and said that they were having trouble pronouncing where they were and asked her to say it realy slowly for them
She answered B - U - R - G - E - R - K - I - N - G
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Old Sep 6th 2008, 10:20 am
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 15 miles to and from school every day. He has only one leg and his bicycle has buckled wheels with no brakes. His journey is mostly downhill and is reknowned for having hidden landmines on his route to school.
Please find it within yourself to donate just £2 and in return we will send you the video...
it's bloody hilarious!!!!
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Old Sep 7th 2008, 10:12 am
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Originally Posted by malcoltom View Post
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.
Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.'
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite!'
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better
and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'.
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed.'
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'.
Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'
'Mick phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'
cheered me up no end
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