Bit of fun

Old Sep 3rd 2008, 8:29 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

THIS THREAD HAS SLOWLY SLIPPED DOWN THE RATINGS LIST WHILST I HAVE BEEN OVER THERE SO HERES SOME MORE NOW I AM BACK IN BLIGHTY.

A tramp finds a five pound note in the street. He decides to go to the off-licence and buy a bottle of white wine. After duly knocking back the plonk the tramp falls into a drunken torpor and collapses in a small alleyway.
About ten minutes later a passing homosexual happens upon the sprawled body of the tramp. Not having greased the pole for a while the shirt-lifter whips down the tramps keks and gives him one up the old Gary Glitter. As the rear-gunner is just about to leave he gets a pang of conscience and tucks a five pound note into the tramp’s hand.
Upon waking up the next day the tramp discovers the fiver. Hardly believing his good fortune he rushes back to the off-licence and purchases another bottle of white wine. Yet again he downs the vino and falls into a drunken sleep in his favourite alleyway. A little later the same chutney ferret passes the alleyway and sees the tramp. Unable to contain himself, the uphill gardener divests the tramp of his jockeys and gives him another hoop stretching. Again he leaves five pounds out of guilt for his actions.
Upon waking up the tramp discovers another fiver in his hand and so hastens back to the off-licence. He grabs a bottle of red wine and hands it to the sales assistant for wrapping. The sales assistant, by now familiar with the tramp’s usual habits, asks why he is buying red wine this time to which the tramp responds, “I quite like the white wine but it doesn’t half make my *****ing arse sore.”
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Old Sep 3rd 2008, 8:29 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

The Inland Revenue send their auditor to a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi," and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi.
"We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candlemaker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way...
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to The Inland Revenue
"Inland Revenue...?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "The Inland Revenue"
...and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you"
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Old Sep 3rd 2008, 8:30 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

A blonde goes to a chemist and asks for some rectal deodorant.
"Rectal deodorant? I don't think we have any," says the pharmacist.
"I always buy it here, you always have it," blonde responds.
Baffled, the pharmacist asks the blonde if she can have a look round the shelves and see if they can find it. Eventually, the blonde grabs a standard stick deodorant.
"See, I told you that you sold it!" she triumphantly declares.
The confused pharmacist says "But that's just normal deodorant - it's not rectal deodorant".
"It is," says the blonde, "See - it says here 'to apply, push up bottom'"
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Old Sep 3rd 2008, 8:31 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, day ye haav eni books on suicide?"
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says,
"***** off, ye'll no bring it back!"
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Old Sep 3rd 2008, 8:31 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought 100 pounds worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent 12,000 pounds on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound stupid. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it," he chuckles. "my wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a prick !"
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Old Sep 3rd 2008, 8:32 pm
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Larry is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Larry goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Florence, age 87, wanders into the garden.
They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Larry turns to Florence and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?
She asks, "What ?"
"SEX!!!"
Florence exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I paid you !"
"I know," Larry says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige", says Florence, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it."
Afterwards, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they will sit and talk and Florence will hold Larry's manhood. Then, one night, Larry didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Florence decided to find Larry and make sure that he was OK. She walked around the gardens and she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident who was holding Larry's manhood !
Furious, Florence yelled, "You two-timing old creep! What does she have that I don't have ?"
Larry smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's disease !!"
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Old Sep 3rd 2008, 8:33 pm
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Two boys are playing in the street in Manchester, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young United Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a United fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in Manchester, I just assumed you were." say's the reporter and starts again.
"Little City Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he starts writing in his notebook.
"I'm not a City fan either," the boy say's.
"I assumed everyone in Manchester was either a United or City fan. What team, DO you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Liverpool fan." the boy said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
"Scouser Tearaway Kills Beloved Family Pet."
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Old Sep 3rd 2008, 8:33 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

While walking through the Daintree a man came up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked,
"What the hell happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said....
"This just isn't gonna be your day......"
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Old Sep 3rd 2008, 8:34 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said:
"Its golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blond continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked:
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
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Old Sep 3rd 2008, 8:35 pm
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Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked.
"Aye, a whusky" Jock replied. She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one.
"Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by gay's all the way to America than drink whisky!"
Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!"
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Old Sep 3rd 2008, 8:35 pm
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As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says.....
"Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm driving a f**king gritter !"
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Old Sep 3rd 2008, 8:37 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years when by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts in. Some time later she heard her husband wake and let rip the usual trouser trumpet which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Hou were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
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Old Sep 3rd 2008, 8:37 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

A fellow checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in the phone books under "Escorts and Massages".
He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So he is in his room and figures, what the hell, he gave her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says.
God she sounded sexy! "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I 'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9".
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Old Sep 3rd 2008, 8:38 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!", George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," said George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms folded behind his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinski, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go!
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Old Sep 3rd 2008, 8:38 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual off-colour and "dumb blonde" jokes, when a well-presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands up and says:
"I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person's hair colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being? It is morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential...because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to Discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this Mister! I'm talking to that little b*stard on your knee!"
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