Bit of fun

Old Jul 24th 2008, 10:16 pm
  #46  
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Default Re: Bit of fun

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"
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Old Jul 24th 2008, 10:17 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it. The machine would take some of the woman's pain away and give it to the father thereby easing the mothers burden. The couple thought it was a good idea and agreed to give it a try. The Doc set it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that 10% was still probably more pain than he had ever felt. The man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked for it to be increased. The doctor turned it up to 20% with the same results. This trend continued until the machine was set at 100%. After the delivery both mother and father felt fine. The wife was relieved at having an almost painless labor and the father was still amazed at how little pain was actually involved. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.
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Old Jul 24th 2008, 10:18 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whisky. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.
The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, "Can your dog perform other tricks ?"
"But of course," the man answers, "he can even gratify a woman."
Anxious to know more, the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and, full of expectation, lies down on the bed.
The dog looks at her and does nothing.
"It's always the same thing with you !" the man then shouts at the dog, "I'll show you how to do it one last time."
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Old Jul 24th 2008, 10:19 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Q. Why have Welsh farmers begun to wear kilts?
A. Welsh sheep now recognise the sound of a zip.
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Old Jul 27th 2008, 3:47 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight , "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution.
Next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight ". He didn't seem pi*sed off at all. Whew! Got away with
that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. sh*t.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and fart*d."
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Old Jul 27th 2008, 3:48 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Two guys were walking their dogs and came across a bar. Since they were hot and tired from walking the dogs they decided to go in and have a drink. Unfortunately, the bar didn't allow dogs. There was no place to safely secure the dogs, so they started thinking of ideas to get in the bar. Then one of the guys had an idea.
"Just watch me and follow my lead," he said.
He walked into the bar with his dog and the bartender stopped and said to him, "I'm sorry but I can't let you in here."
The guy looked at the bartender and asked, "Why not?"
The bartender replied, "Well, we don't allow dogs into the bar."
"But this is my guide dog," the guy said.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir come on in, and by the way, nice golden retriever."
The guy went into the bar and the second guy walked in with his dog. The bartender stopped him and told him he can't let him in. When asked why not the bartender replied that you cannot have dogs in his bar.
"But this is my guide dog," said the second guy.
The bartender looked at the man and then looked at the dog. After a while he said, "Sir, ah... um... a Chihuahua?"
The man looked a little puzzled and then said, "What? The b*stards gave me a Chihuahua?"
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Old Jul 27th 2008, 3:49 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.
Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underpants....
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Old Jul 27th 2008, 8:32 pm
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I'm going fishing .....
 
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Back in the 1960's a man see's his young son looking out of the landing window and asks him what he's staring at.
"I was just looking at the Milkman's horse, but what's that thing between it's legs?" asks the son.
"That's its willy son, nothing to worry about" replies the Dad.
"It's a big 'un though innit Dad" says the son.
"Well, he's probably seen another horse" says the Dad.
"But when I asked Mum last week, she sais it was nothing" exclaims the son.
The Dad stares wistfully into the distance and quietly mutters "Yeah well, your Mother's been spoilt over the years".
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Old Jul 27th 2008, 8:41 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

A man walks into a Pub and has a quick look round as he makes his way over to the bar. All of a sudden he stops and does a double take at an old man sat alone in the corner.
The man walks over and asks the older man, "excuse me but aren't you Bert Postlethwaite the circus strongman act ?" The old man confirms this to be true.
The man then fondly remembers "people used to come from miles around to watch your act, you stand there in the middle of the Big Top, with a massive erection and bend big, thick iron bars over the end of it".
The old man looks up and says "I gave it up a few years ago son, my wrists have gone".
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Old Jul 29th 2008, 8:28 am
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Default Re: Bit of fun

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.
Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."
Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."
Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"
Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."
The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.
Mom : "Now what do I do?"
Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you slag, and fix that kid some *****ing ice cream."
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Old Jul 29th 2008, 11:30 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.
One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the as*hole who pushed me in the pool!"
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Old Jul 30th 2008, 10:01 am
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Default Re: Bit of fun

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat, he goes to the bar and orders three whiskys.
The cat shouts "I'm not paying"
"I know" says the man "I'm paying."
A little later he comes to the bar again, and orders three whiskeys, "I'm not paying" shouts the cat again, again the man tells him that he is paying.
The man comes to the bar a third time, and again the cat shouts "I'm not paying".
The barman intruiged by this asks the fellow,"Excuse me sir, but why have you come in here with that cat and an ostrich ?"
"Well" says the man, "Before I came in here, I met a genie who said he would grant me any wish. So I asked for a long legged bird, with a tight pussy".
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Old Jul 31st 2008, 9:24 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

The Italian who went to New Zealand
(must be read with an Italian accent)

One day ima gonna Newa Zealand to a bigga hotel. Ina morning i go down to eata breakfast, i tella waitress i wanna two pisses toast. She bring me only one piss. I tella her a wanna two piss. She say go to toilet. I say you na understand, i wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss ona plate, you sonna ma bitch. I donna even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch
Later i go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress bring me a spoon and knife but no fock. i tella her i wanna fock and she tell me everyone wanna fock. i tell her she no understand, i wanns fock on the table, She say you better not fock ona the table, you sonna my bitch. So i go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits on ma bed. I call the manager and tella him i wanna shit. He tell me go to toilet. I say you no understand, i wanna shit on my bed. He say you better no shit on your bed, you sonna ma bitch.

I go checkout and man on desk say Peace on you. I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, i gonna back to Italy.
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Old Jul 31st 2008, 9:29 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Best read in a kiwi accent..!!

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.”Hey doc,I don’t feel so good ,ey”said Wiremu. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had a long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was a testicular removal.
“No way doc” replied Wiremu “I’m gitting a second opinion ey!”

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an ex-pat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: “Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv prostate suckness ey”
“What’s the cure thin doc?” asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

“Well,Wimeru”, said the Kiwi doctor “Wi’re gonna huv to cut off your balls.”
“Phew, thunk god for thut!” said Wimeru, “those Aussie bastards wanted to take my Test tickets off me!”
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Old Aug 1st 2008, 8:09 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Tony, and I am a S-N-A-G"
Another guy says, "What's that ?"
Tony says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Gay."
Another guy says, "My name is Gary, and I am a D-I-N-K."
A girl at the bar asks, "What's that ?"
He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."
A woman says, "That's nice. My name is Shirley, and I am a W-I-F-E."
Tony says, "A W-I-F-E ? What's a W-I-F-E ?"
She says, "Oh you know, that means, "Wash, Iron, *****, Etc."
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