malcoltom

Got to tell you this one

Fella goes to hypnotist cos he is having trouble in the bedroom.
He is hypnotised and told that when he goes to bed with his OH, he has to count 1 2 3, and he will have the biggest, hardest erection ever. When the OH cant take any more she has to count 1 2 3 4 , and it will shrink. BUT beware, cos you can only do this once a year.
Fella goes home and gets in bed and says, " 1 2 3" and behold, the biggest thing he has ever seen pops up. His OH says " What did you say one, two, three for?"

malcoltom

A ventriloquist walked up to an Welshman and said "I'll bet I can make your horse talk."
Taffy: "Horses don't talk"
Ventriloquist: "Watch this. Hi horse. How does you master treat you?"
Horse: "Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me out of the sun."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make your dog talk."
Taffy: "Dogs can't talk."
Ventriloquist: "Watch this. Dog, how are you? Does your master treat you good?"
Dog: "Oh! He treats me good. He gives me food, water and he plays ball with me."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make your sheep talk."
Taffy: "Sheep Lie ! Sheep Lie !"

malcoltom

Paddy and Shamus are coming to land their new private light aircraft. The landing is very rough and the plane screeches to a halt in the shortest possible distance after touching down. Paddy sats to Shamus, Be jeysus...me heart was in me mowt...dat was a bloody short runway, so it was!" But look how bloody wide it is! Added Shamus.

malcoltom

Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand" "So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

malcoltom

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

malcoltom

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?" she asked.
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

j19fmm

A Duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of bitter and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'But you're a duck'.

'I see your eyes are working', replies the duck.

'And you talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working', says the duck, 'Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly', says the barman, 'sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road', explains the duck.

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him, 'You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!'.

'Sounds marvelous', says the ringmaster, 'get him to give me a call'.

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr.Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!'

'Yeah?' says the duck, 'Sounds great, where is it?'

'At the circus', says the barman.

'The circus?' the duck enquires.

'That's right', replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again.

'Yes' says the barman

'That place with the big tent?' the duck enquires.

'Yeah' the barman replies.

'With all the animals?' the duck questioned.

'Of Course' the barman replies.

'With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle', asks the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck looks confused.........


'What the ***** would they want with a plasterer?'

malcoltom

THIS ONE IS SUPPOSED TO BE TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOOD, BETTER, BEST


Good
A Central Otago Traffic Patrol Cop watching for speeders, but wasn't
getting many.
Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the
road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.'
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign
reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar post in Central Otago with a Fine of $160 included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.


Best
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As a Central Otago Cop walked to her car window, flipping open his
ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Central
Otago Police Ball.'
He replied, 'Central Otago Police don't have balls.'
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.

:curse::curse::curse:

malcoltom

Paddy and Murphy working on a building site and Paddy says to Murphy "I fancy the day off so im gonna pretend i'm mad" so he climbs up the rafters hangs upside down and shouts "Im a light bulb". The foreman shouts "Paddy, get down pack your tools and go home your mad". Paddy leaves the site and Murphy starts packing up. The foreman says where you going and Murphy says " Im going home too, i can't work in the f**king dark".

malcoltom

A Canadian walks into a bar and ordered a beer. The bartender replied, "Sorry, we don't serve Canadians in this bar."
"But I'm really thirsty," the Canadian replied. "I'll do anything for a beer!"
"Okay," says the bartender,"if you can do three things, I'll get you a beer."
"First," says the bartender,"do you see that big guy standing by the door? 6'5", 275 pound ex-NFL linebacker who got thrown out of the league for being too mean and nasty? You gotta knock him out cold and drag him out of the bar. That's number one."
"Number two. Back in the kitchen we got this Doberman Pinscher. He's mean, he's nasty, he's vicious, he's hungry, and he's got a bad tooth. You gotta remove his bad tooth. That's number two."
"Number three. Upstairs we got a 70-year-old, 300 pound hooker. You gotta screw her until she climaxes three times. That's number three."
"I'll do it!" screams the Canadian. "What's first?"
"First is the big guy by the door."
The Canadian leaps to his feet and runs headfirst into the huge man. The two of them are rolling on the floor with fists and blood flying everywhere. Finally, the Canadian smashes a chair over his head and drags him from the bar.
Panting and bleeding, he askes the bartender, "Okay, what's next?"
"Number two is the dog in the kitchen."
The Canadian runs into the kitchen. The bartender hears barking, yelling, snarling, screaming, and jaws snapping, followed by a long, painful howling that obviously came from the dog.
The Canadian runs out of the bar, his clothes all ripped and filthy, and says to the bartender, "Okay, where's the old lady with the bad tooth?"

malcoltom

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Williams, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Williams said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!," said Mr. Williams, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good sized Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!" Mr. Williams demanded.
"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

malcoltom

Five guys in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them:
"It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."
"What do you mean it is illegal?" asked the driver.
"Quattro means four" replies Paddy.
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the driver retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking thelaw."
The driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

malcoltom

A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking through the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang.
When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor".
She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me", and she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Zachary Disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem". The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Zachary Disease....that your face look ZACHARY like your ass!"

malcoltom

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line,
"How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me head on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked
"How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "ok" and off they went.
Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other cabbies.

malcoltom

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink.
"You can't make any noise," she warned him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us."
Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. "I have to...go" he said.
"Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents' bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink."
So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked,
"Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a kitchen towel?"