malcoltom

The flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a
Princess and I take orders from no one .'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch.'

malcoltom

It is just before Scotland v England in the World Cup Group game.
Rooney goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered".
Rooney looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Rooney goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the English team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 - Scotland 0 (Rooney 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.
"Result from the Stadium "England 1 (Rooney 10 minutes) - Scotland 1"(Angus McShagnasty 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.
"I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down..........
I got sent off after 12 minutes"

weejie

.......................... ..

malcoltom

A king travels through the desert and discovers a man trapped under a big rock. He throws a rope around the rock and ties it to his horse and pulls the rock off the man. The man, grateful as he is, tells the king that he's really a great sorcerer, and gives the king three wishes.
The king looks at the Sorcerer and says "OK, then I wish to be immortal", the sorcerer replies "It's done." The king takes a knife and stabs himself and nothing happens.
Next the king says "OK, then I want my horse to be immortal.", the sorcerer replies "It's done". The king, happy as can be, thrusts his sword into his horse and nothing happens.
Finally the king says "OK, then I want my horses genitals." The sorcerer replies "It's done".
The king, overjoyed, jumps on his horse and rides back to his castle. At the drawbridge he meets his old friend Peter, jumps off the horse and declares that he's now immortal. Peter laughs, but the king gives Peter his knife and says "Here stab me with the knife." Peter stabs the king as ordered and nothing happens, then the king shows Peter that his horse also is immortal. Keeping the best for last he says "Wait - just look at this" and the king drops his trousers.
Peter looks at the naked king and cries out loud "Well ***** my boots - that's the biggest pussy I've ever seen..."
:curse:

welshwales

try this .....http://britishexpats.com/forum/showthread.php?t=458985

malcoltom

I know, but there are too many pages on that one.!

howden40

One for the ladies

howden40

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums

And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, ' I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that women might keep the figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the can and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said, 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes and super size em'. And Satan said, 'It is good'. And Mand and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed..........and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then..........Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, her's the final word on nutrition and health.;

1 Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2 Mexican eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3 Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4 Italians drink excess amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5 Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

6 The French eat fois-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Enjoy
Pauline

malcoltom

Scouse lad goes to Amsterdam for a bit of nookie with a lady of the night. He asked if they could do it 'scouse style', she said 'no way'. He offered 200 euros to have it scouse, she said no way, so he offered 500 euros she said o.k .so after they had finished she said, "I've been on the game 10 years and that was the best ever, but why do you call it scouse style"? He said, i'll have to pay you next week when i get my giro !!!!!

malcoltom

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 100?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said.
He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you even give a *****?"

malcoltom

MY RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in London , and mine is in Liverpool ..

3. I take my wife everywhere....
but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!' So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late
for the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in!'

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?'
I said, 'Dust!'

malcoltom

Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach, couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls.
So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look
like an old geezer. They're years outta style.
You 're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too small, and drop a fist-sized
potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!'
The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.
Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing,
looking sick!
So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?'
JAHEESUS!' said the lifeguard,
'Maaaaate.
The potato goes in front!'

malcoltom

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, "I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I’ll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, thighs, and privates, and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner’s mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I’ve never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that *****ing lion out of the way."

malcoltom

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman, and started canvassing a well-to-do housing estate. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge ?"
The blonde after looking about, said, "How about 50 quid ?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband "Does she realise that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied: "She should, she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb ?"
"No. I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' jokes."
Some time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes" the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the five ten pound notes.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Jaguar."

malcoltom

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy

Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone

Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three

days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.

What is your first request?'
The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.'You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?'
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before,Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow, 'What is your last request?'
The Lone Ranger responds,' I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE.'

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
'Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for the last time..........





BRING POSSE!!!!