Bit of fun

Old Oct 20th 2008, 6:26 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

40 gypsies die in a horrific caravan fire and get sent up to the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter greets them and says "I've only got room for 12, so I'll give you 5 minutes to decide amongst yourselves which ones are going to stay.............
5 minutes later, St. Peter is talking to God.. "*****ing hell, they've gone!", he says.
God replies, "What, all 40?"
"No, the *****ing gates!"
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Old Oct 20th 2008, 6:27 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

A lonely man is browsing the pet ads in his local paper looking for a pet. He comes accross an advert for an intelligent,adorable golden labrador free to good home. He calls the number and arranges to go and see the dog.
He arrives at the house and a man lets him in.
The man asks the owner "Does the dog have a pedigree ?".
The owner replies "Ask him".
"Ask him. Don't be ridiculous".
"Ask him. He's in the kitchen".
The man enters the kitchen, and sure enough there is the dog, a very handsome golden labrador.
Feeling a bit silly the man asks the the dog "Do have a pedigree ?"
To his astonishment, the dog replies."Yes I have a pedigree I'm KC registered, both my mother and father have won best of breed at Crufts". He continues "I worked for Customs & Excise at Heathrow airport, and I've been in several films and TV ads".
Amazed the man says to the owner "What a great dog, he talks and he's been a top sniffer dog, I don't understand - why you want to give away such a brilliant dog ?"
The owner replies "I'm sick of his *****in' lies".
:curse:
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Old Oct 20th 2008, 6:29 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

A nun walked into Mother Superior's office and plunked down into a chair. She let out a sigh, heavy with frustration."What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother.
A 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life.
The sweetest swing I ever made....it was flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hit a bird in mid-flight, not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel ran out of the woods, grabbed my ball and ran off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother Superior.
"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "I was so proud of myself!
While I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swooped down, grabbed the squirrel and flew off, with my ball still clutched in the squirrel's paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "....as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right on the green.
The ball popped out of the squirrel's paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup! "
Mother Superior sat abruptly back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the *****ing putt, didn't you?"
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Old Oct 20th 2008, 6:30 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Joe leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe, Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on, Poor Joe broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off.
Now completely naked, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, Joe finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"
Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts, they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin no blemishes anywhere! How can you feel the best part of my body is my ears?!"
Clearing his throat, Joe stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming?"
"Yes .."
"Well ... that was me."
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Old Oct 20th 2008, 6:31 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?"
The father, surprised answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts...
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm.
In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mum, how many types of willies are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree??"
"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
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Old Oct 20th 2008, 6:38 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black - sitting in the waiting room at the vet's strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?"
The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle my owners bed."
The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything." He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab says, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for.
I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, legs, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"
The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped.
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Old Oct 23rd 2008, 7:24 am
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Jason, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Jason was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Jason, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Jason
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Jason, wake up you drunken b*stard, you're s*itting the bed"
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Old Oct 23rd 2008, 7:24 am
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Default Re: Bit of fun

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the " Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995 (in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbour's bedroom windows. His neighbours were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
:curse:
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Old Oct 26th 2008, 11:19 am
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Default Re: Bit of fun

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot, "What about this one Madam?" "A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only 20 pounds."
"Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well", replies the assistant," it use to live in a brothel and as a result it's language is a touch fruity!".
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot."
So she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman, "**** me, a new brothel and a new madam!",
"I'm not a Madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly. A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.
"A new brothel, a new madam, and now new prossies," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes," complained the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.
A short while later, the woman's husband comes home and the parrot says........
"Well **** me, a new brothel, a new madam, new prossies, but the same old clients. How ya doin' Dave ?"
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Old Oct 26th 2008, 11:20 am
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane and as such have gone for a holiday back to the place where they first met.
While sitting at a cafe the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over fifty years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works and I gave you one from behind."
"Why, yes I remember it well dear." replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, lets go there again and I'll give you one from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows the pensioners. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips and the little old lady then reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is forty minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for a hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this, not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in fifty years time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret, could you shag like that fifty years ago?"
The pensioner replies,
"Son, fifty years ago that f@*king fence wasn't electrified."
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Old Oct 26th 2008, 11:22 am
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Default Re: Bit of fun

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife
"No, no boyfriend either." "
Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well, yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well, yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a smack on the asre. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank ***** for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark."
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Old Oct 26th 2008, 11:23 am
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Little boy crying out in Tescos.
The securuty guard says "Are you lost?"
The little sobbing boy replies that he is.
"What's your mummy like?"
The little boy looks up and says "Big cocks and Bacardi Breezers"
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Old Oct 27th 2008, 10:12 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
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Old Oct 27th 2008, 10:13 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness and having a contest as to who could make the best toast.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife".
That won him the top prize for the toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night".
She said, "Aye, what was your toast ?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife".
"Oh me that is very nice indeed John", Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary".
She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised meself ! You know, he's only been there twice ! Once he fell asleep and the other time, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come !"
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Old Oct 27th 2008, 10:14 pm
  #210  
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Default Re: Bit of fun

An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.
In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was
in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at
me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the ***** would you say?'
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