malcoltom

...don't cheat - read it all the way thru (it's worth it)....

Last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It
was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of
the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only
broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then
suddenly, he heard a strange noise.......

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BUMP........
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BUMP........
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BUMP........
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Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the
driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his
road.
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BUMP........
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BUMP........
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BUMP........
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He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box
approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more
clearly....It was a coffin.
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Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and
started walking briskly home.
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BUMP........
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BUMP........
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BUMP........
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He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking
faster.........
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BUMP ... BUMP......
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BUMP.......BUMP.....
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BUMP......
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The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but
he heard the coffin speed up after him......
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BUMP......BUMP......
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BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......
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BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......

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He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .

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BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
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BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
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BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
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Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was
only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his
keys.......
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His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside
slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room,
and slumped into his comfy chair.

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Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way
through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the
coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it
continued its chase.....
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BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs
could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the
door........
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BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
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SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
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BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and
launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the
bathroom door flew off its hinges....
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The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young
terrified lad.
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BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his
bathroom cabinet......
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He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the
coffin.......still it came .
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BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....
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Still it came......
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BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it .still it came......
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BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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His fumbling fingers scrabbled around the cabinet until, at last he lurched upon a bottle of Benelyn cough mixture. Disparingly, he threw it........
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.....and the coffin stopped.



Dont ban me for that one!!!

malcoltom

A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with £2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer.
The husband said "I’m sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer."
The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said "I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the £2000 in the drawer?"
The husband replied "Well every time I got a dozen balls I sold them."

malcoltom

Financial experts now say that the Japanese Sumo Bank has gone belly up, the Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut its branches, the Karaoke Bank is up for sale and likely to go for a song, whilst the shares in the Kamikaze Bank have nose dived, the Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks. Finally 500 staff at the Japanese Karate Bank have got the chop!!!

malcoltom

Sexist Joke - Women's Training Courses...

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your MAPS on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS/PMT: Your Problem . . . Not His
:curse:

malcoltom

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and D&G tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, and then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae.

He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet printer, turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1,586 sheep".

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?" the young man thinks about it for a second and then says: "Okay, why not?".

You're a consultant," says the shepherd.

“Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?"

No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked and you know f-all about my business … now give me back my dog."

malcoltom

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress
asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and
turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be £9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket
and pulls out the exact amount for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger,
fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.

For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,"
says the man.
" Yep! Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62." Once
again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on
the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket
every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found
an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put
my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple
of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money
is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird
with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

malcoltom

Beware at costume party's
Why We Must Not Flirt!!!

A couple was invited to a swanky family masked, fancy dress Halloween
party. The wife got a terrible headache! She told her husband to go to
the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she

Argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and
there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he
took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for
about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go
to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she
was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in
his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every
nice "MAPS" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss
there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let
him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After
more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and

She agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had passionate
intercourse in the backseat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she
slipped away and went home; put the costume away and sat up reading

When he came in she asked what kind of time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're
not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced once. When I got

There, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare
room and played MAPS all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing MAPS
all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad,
apparently he had the time of his life!"

malcoltom

Political Integrity. THIS IS TRUE, Honest, i'm an MP.


Imagine working for a company that has little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics?

29 accused of spouse abuse.

7 arrested for fraud.

19 accused of writing bad cheques.

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least two businesses.

3 have done time for assault.

71 cannot get a credit card due to bad debts.

14 have been arrested on drug charges.

8 have been arrested for shoplifting.

21 are currently defendants in lawsuits.

84 have been arrested for drink driving last year.

Can you guess which organisation this is??


It's the 535 members of the British Houses of Parliment, the same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year, designed to keep the rest of us in line.

malcoltom

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment,they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk,the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea....let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Right", he replies. "Get your own *****ing blanket.
:curse:

malcoltom

Do you know what Rodeo Sex is?
It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!

malcoltom

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey and orders a drink.
While he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off of the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it into his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole!
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, What?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table.....WHOLE!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, " replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight. The little b*stard. Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, and then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar, grabs it, sticks it up it's butt, pulls it out, and then eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, What?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his arse, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, " replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first!!"

malcoltom

Moral Dilema

You are driving down the road in your 2 seater sports car on a wild, stormy night when you pass a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think, before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.



The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with this answer.


She simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."




However, my answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop sign, and then drive off with the old friend for some beers.

God, I just love happy endings.

malcoltom

A Blonde walks into a drug store and asks for some rectum deodorant.

The storekeeper, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don’t sell rectum deodrant, and never have.

Unfazed, the Blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from the drug stores on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I’m sorry," says the man, "we don’t have any."

"But I always buy it at the drug store," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the man.

"YES," said the blonde, "I’ll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the man, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container......


"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

mickey_d

BRITISH HUMOUR

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed,middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'



This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! this American should be putin his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

malcoltom

I'm back. Just been to Disneyland Paris for 5 days. Knacked. AND skint


A beautiful woman was walking down the street when a man approached her.
The man said, "You are perfection, I must have you right now! I'll drop £500 at your feet and during the time it takes for you to pick it up, I can have had my way with you roughly from behind!"
The woman thinks it over and asks to the man to wait a minute. She calls her friend and asks her opinion. Her friend says, "The man's an idiot, take it because when he drops the £500 on the gorund, I'm sure you can pick it up and run off before he can even get his tackle out."
Two hours later the lady still hadn't phoned her friend back, so the friend phones her instead.
"Well? What happened?" she asks.
"The *****er had it in 50p's!!"