Bit of fun
Sep 29th 2008, 8:24 am
#166
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Re: Bit of fun
A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... You finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned and admitted, "No...".
Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love making resumed.
This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The lovemaking ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks "So,you finish?"
And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile,
Cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No...".
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again... "So, you finish?" Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian..."
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... You finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned and admitted, "No...".
Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love making resumed.
This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The lovemaking ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks "So,you finish?"
And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile,
Cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No...".
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again... "So, you finish?" Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian..."
Sep 29th 2008, 8:31 am
#167
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Location: Morecambe
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Re: Bit of fun
GROWING OLD
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as
sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
i've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body
are just prone to swinging.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
"For fast relief."
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner
child playing with matches.
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old
because you stop laughing.
I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything
quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I felt like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to
take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down
and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is
the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure.
This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat
Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down and I bet you can't resist passing it on.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as
sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
i've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body
are just prone to swinging.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
"For fast relief."
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner
child playing with matches.
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old
because you stop laughing.
I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything
quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I felt like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to
take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down
and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is
the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure.
This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat
Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down and I bet you can't resist passing it on.
Sep 29th 2008, 8:34 am
#168
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Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Morecambe
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Re: Bit of fun
This explains why we forward jokes.
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl,and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.
He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveller asked.
"I'm sorry; sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book."Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself,then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree."What do you call this place?" the traveller asked.
"This is Heaven," he answered.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."
Soooo...Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word. Maybe this will explain. When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes. When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important,you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?A forwarded joke.So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime.
:w ub:
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl,and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.
He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveller asked.
"I'm sorry; sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book."Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself,then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree."What do you call this place?" the traveller asked.
"This is Heaven," he answered.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."
Soooo...Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word. Maybe this will explain. When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes. When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important,you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?A forwarded joke.So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime.
:w ub:
Sep 29th 2008, 8:36 am
#169
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Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Morecambe
Posts: 1,659
Re: Bit of fun
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By
giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in
which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around
you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot
career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing
under the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. Suddenly you see a
man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to
be taken down with the debris.
You move closer, somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly
realize who it is.
It's Cristiano Ronaldo!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull
him under.
You have two options--you can save the life of Cristiano Ronaldo or
you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the
death of one of the football world's most exiting player's.
So here's the question, and please give an honest answer............
Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?
you'll never walk alone
giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in
which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around
you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot
career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing
under the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. Suddenly you see a
man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to
be taken down with the debris.
You move closer, somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly
realize who it is.
It's Cristiano Ronaldo!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull
him under.
You have two options--you can save the life of Cristiano Ronaldo or
you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the
death of one of the football world's most exiting player's.
So here's the question, and please give an honest answer............
Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?
you'll never walk alone
Sep 29th 2008, 7:15 pm
#170
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Joined: Feb 2008
Location: Dunedin
Posts: 1,383
Re: Bit of fun
A young blonde Aberdonian girl, down on her luck,
decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark
waters off Aberdeen docks.
As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a
young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. 'You're not thinking of
jumping, are you babes?' he asked.
'Yes, I am.' replied the sobbing girl.
Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her
back from the edge. 'Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what;
I'm sailing off for Australia tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on
board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the
lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I'll
look after you if you look after me- if you know what I mean. You just
have to keep very quiet so that you won't be found'.
The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the
sailor sneaked her on board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the
sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and
making love to her until dawn.
Then, during the fourth week, the captain was
performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He
peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an
explanation
The girl came clean, 'I've stowed away to get to
Australia . One of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here
and brings me food and water every night and he's sc**wing me.'
The captain stared at her for a moment before he
replied, 'He certainly is love. This is the Orkney Ferry .'
decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark
waters off Aberdeen docks.
As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a
young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. 'You're not thinking of
jumping, are you babes?' he asked.
'Yes, I am.' replied the sobbing girl.
Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her
back from the edge. 'Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what;
I'm sailing off for Australia tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on
board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the
lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I'll
look after you if you look after me- if you know what I mean. You just
have to keep very quiet so that you won't be found'.
The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the
sailor sneaked her on board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the
sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and
making love to her until dawn.
Then, during the fourth week, the captain was
performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He
peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an
explanation
The girl came clean, 'I've stowed away to get to
Australia . One of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here
and brings me food and water every night and he's sc**wing me.'
The captain stared at her for a moment before he
replied, 'He certainly is love. This is the Orkney Ferry .'
Oct 1st 2008, 8:17 am
#171
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Thread Starter
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Morecambe
Posts: 1,659
Re: Bit of fun
A primary teacher starts a new job at a school on Merseyside and,
trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class
that she is an Everton fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they,
too, are Everton fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says:
"Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
Because I'm not an Everton fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not an Everton fan,
then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a West Ham United fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears.
"Mary, why are you a Hammers fan?"
"Because my mum and dad are from the East End, and
my mum is a West Ham fan and my dad is a West Ham fan,
so I'm a West Ham fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an annoyed tone,
"that's no reason for you to be a West Ham fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if
your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief,
what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be an Everton fan."
trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class
that she is an Everton fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they,
too, are Everton fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says:
"Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
Because I'm not an Everton fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not an Everton fan,
then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a West Ham United fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears.
"Mary, why are you a Hammers fan?"
"Because my mum and dad are from the East End, and
my mum is a West Ham fan and my dad is a West Ham fan,
so I'm a West Ham fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an annoyed tone,
"that's no reason for you to be a West Ham fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if
your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief,
what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be an Everton fan."
Oct 1st 2008, 8:23 am
#172
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Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Morecambe
Posts: 1,659
Re: Bit of fun
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the
side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...
scroll down
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
scroll down
(This is bad!)
scroll down
(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)
scroll down
(You know you could just click off
and not read the punch line....)
scroll down
(You can still delete it)
scroll down
(You know you're gonna be sorry)
scroll down
(Last chance)
scroll down
(OK, here it is)
scroll down
It says,
"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,
adds permanent wave."
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the
side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...
scroll down
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
scroll down
(This is bad!)
scroll down
(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)
scroll down
(You know you could just click off
and not read the punch line....)
scroll down
(You can still delete it)
scroll down
(You know you're gonna be sorry)
scroll down
(Last chance)
scroll down
(OK, here it is)
scroll down
It says,
"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,
adds permanent wave."
Oct 1st 2008, 8:28 am
#173
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Thread Starter
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Morecambe
Posts: 1,659
Re: Bit of fun
Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favourite dog, a corgi, crushing it to a pulp.
He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught.
The whole world was against him and now his mother would go
ballistic. Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it
up,polished it and immediately a genie appeared.
'You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment,' said the genie. 'As a reward I shall grant you one wish.'
'Well,' said the Prince, 'I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog.' They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog.
'Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?' the Prince asked.
The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. 'This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?'
The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and
pulled out two photos. 'I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana,' said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo.
'But now I love this woman called Camilla,' and he showed the genie the second photo. 'You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you
can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?'
The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes
said, 'Let's have a look at that dog again'
He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught.
The whole world was against him and now his mother would go
ballistic. Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it
up,polished it and immediately a genie appeared.
'You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment,' said the genie. 'As a reward I shall grant you one wish.'
'Well,' said the Prince, 'I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog.' They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog.
'Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?' the Prince asked.
The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. 'This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?'
The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and
pulled out two photos. 'I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana,' said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo.
'But now I love this woman called Camilla,' and he showed the genie the second photo. 'You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you
can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?'
The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes
said, 'Let's have a look at that dog again'
Oct 4th 2008, 10:50 am
#174
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Thread Starter
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Morecambe
Posts: 1,659
Re: Bit of fun
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a
date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical expertise with the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now get down and craw reery,
reery fass to odderside of room." Again the woman did as she was
instructed.
Dr Chang then said "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
As she did Dr Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
The woman asked anxiously "Oh my God, Dr Chang, what is Ed
Zachary disease?"
Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary disease is when
your face look Ed Zachary like your arse!
date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical expertise with the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now get down and craw reery,
reery fass to odderside of room." Again the woman did as she was
instructed.
Dr Chang then said "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
As she did Dr Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
The woman asked anxiously "Oh my God, Dr Chang, what is Ed
Zachary disease?"
Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary disease is when
your face look Ed Zachary like your arse!
Oct 4th 2008, 10:53 am
#175
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Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Morecambe
Posts: 1,659
Re: Bit of fun
A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a
flattened dead frog on a string behind him. He came up to the
doorstep of "a house of ill repute" and knocked on the door. When the
Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the
money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.
Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked,
"Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said "No". He
said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots
after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it,
the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed
down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the
Madam,and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why
did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of
one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught.
When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to
bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes
to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum
and catch the disease, and HE's the bastard who ran over my FROG!
flattened dead frog on a string behind him. He came up to the
doorstep of "a house of ill repute" and knocked on the door. When the
Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the
money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.
Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked,
"Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said "No". He
said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots
after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it,
the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed
down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the
Madam,and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why
did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of
one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught.
When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to
bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes
to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum
and catch the disease, and HE's the bastard who ran over my FROG!
Oct 4th 2008, 10:57 am
#176
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Thread Starter
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Morecambe
Posts: 1,659
Re: Bit of fun
REAL COMMENTS MADE ON TELEVISION
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he
sees."
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
A US FEMALE news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
METRO Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
HARRY Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
TED Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
NEW Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
PAT Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!
MICHAEL Burke watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
KEN Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he
sees."
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
A US FEMALE news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
METRO Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
HARRY Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
TED Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
NEW Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
PAT Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!
MICHAEL Burke watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
KEN Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
Oct 4th 2008, 11:00 am
#177
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Thread Starter
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Morecambe
Posts: 1,659
Re: Bit of fun
Exothermic or Endothermic
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so
"profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying
it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.
One student, Charles, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so
"profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying
it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.
One student, Charles, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
Oct 8th 2008, 4:57 pm
#178
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Thread Starter
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Morecambe
Posts: 1,659
Re: Bit of fun
It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a couple are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a loose-fitting, spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing jeans and a T-shirt.
As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes mad. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand, he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny, and suggests that his wife teases the poor creature some more. He gets her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at the ape, and play along. She does, and the Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and the Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him" he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and he starts doing flips. With that, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes mad. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand, he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny, and suggests that his wife teases the poor creature some more. He gets her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at the ape, and play along. She does, and the Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and the Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him" he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and he starts doing flips. With that, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
Oct 8th 2008, 4:58 pm
#179
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Thread Starter
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Morecambe
Posts: 1,659
Re: Bit of fun
A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.
That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paintwork.
An empty cheque stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong? With that thought, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong.
Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AA and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.
"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?"
"Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."
"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.
"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"
"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How many times a week do I have to do that?"
That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paintwork.
An empty cheque stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong? With that thought, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong.
Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AA and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.
"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?"
"Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."
"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.
"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"
"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How many times a week do I have to do that?"
Oct 8th 2008, 4:59 pm
#180
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Thread Starter
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Morecambe
Posts: 1,659
Re: Bit of fun
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.
Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"
Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing,but I think I've got that right now."
Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.
And Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"
Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Woods says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night."
Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"
Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing,but I think I've got that right now."
Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.
And Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"
Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Woods says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night."