Bit of fun
Sep 28th 2008, 10:15 am
#151
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Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Morecambe
Posts: 1,659
Re: Bit of fun
MASTERCARD WEDDING
You got to love this guy... This is a true story about a
recent wedding that took place at Clemson University.
It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned
it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on
stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he
wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances,
to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family
and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish
reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to
give everyone a special gift just from him.
So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the
wedding party was an envelope.
He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to
open their envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride
having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and
had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests'
reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best
man and said, "F--- you!"
Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!"
Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm
outta here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have canceled the wedding
immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy
goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000
for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all,
trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front
of 300 friends and family members.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless"
commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and
friends: $32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion:
$3,000
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui:
$8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy
of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else
there's MASTERCARD!
"Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it's more
like a jar of Jalapenos--what you do today, might burn your
ass tomorrow......"
:curse:
You got to love this guy... This is a true story about a
recent wedding that took place at Clemson University.
It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned
it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on
stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he
wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances,
to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family
and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish
reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to
give everyone a special gift just from him.
So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the
wedding party was an envelope.
He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to
open their envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride
having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and
had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests'
reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best
man and said, "F--- you!"
Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!"
Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm
outta here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have canceled the wedding
immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy
goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000
for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all,
trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front
of 300 friends and family members.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless"
commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and
friends: $32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion:
$3,000
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui:
$8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy
of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else
there's MASTERCARD!
"Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it's more
like a jar of Jalapenos--what you do today, might burn your
ass tomorrow......"
:curse:
Sep 28th 2008, 10:16 am
#152
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Thread Starter
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Morecambe
Posts: 1,659
Re: Bit of fun
It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy
Sue.
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car (a Chevy) and a
duck-tail haircut. When he goes to the front door,
Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in.
"Peggy Sue's not quite ready yet, why don't you have a seat?"
the Mom says.
"That's cool," Harold says.
Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.
Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the
malt-shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw?
I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says
"Wha...aaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes
to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately,
he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little
poodle skirt and her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless in anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the
front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening, kids," with a
small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes
back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:
"Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"
Sue.
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car (a Chevy) and a
duck-tail haircut. When he goes to the front door,
Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in.
"Peggy Sue's not quite ready yet, why don't you have a seat?"
the Mom says.
"That's cool," Harold says.
Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.
Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the
malt-shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw?
I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says
"Wha...aaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes
to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately,
he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little
poodle skirt and her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless in anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the
front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening, kids," with a
small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes
back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:
"Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"
Sep 28th 2008, 10:18 am
#153
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Thread Starter
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Morecambe
Posts: 1,659
Re: Bit of fun
A man, and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped
us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
Yes" comes back the answer.
Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark.
Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped
us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
Yes" comes back the answer.
Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark.
Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
Sep 28th 2008, 10:19 am
#154
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Thread Starter
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Morecambe
Posts: 1,659
Re: Bit of fun
In Jerusalem , a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish
man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day,
everyday, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out.
She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was! She watched him pray
and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she
approached him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to
the Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I
pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children
to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f****n' wall."
man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day,
everyday, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out.
She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was! She watched him pray
and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she
approached him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to
the Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I
pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children
to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f****n' wall."
Sep 28th 2008, 10:26 am
#155
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Thread Starter
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Morecambe
Posts: 1,659
Re: Bit of fun
Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife Laura about the urinal. "Just think, "he said, "When I am president, I could have a gold urinal, too - but I wouldn't do anything that self-indulgent!"
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal. That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled and said to Bill, "I found out who pissed in your saxophone!"
That afternoon, George told his wife Laura about the urinal. "Just think, "he said, "When I am president, I could have a gold urinal, too - but I wouldn't do anything that self-indulgent!"
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal. That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled and said to Bill, "I found out who pissed in your saxophone!"
Sep 28th 2008, 11:30 pm
#156
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Joined: Nov 2006
Location: Whitby Wellington
Posts: 2,440
Re: Bit of fun
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Tran substantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Pizza? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Tran substantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Pizza? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
Sep 29th 2008, 7:36 am
#157
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Joined: Feb 2008
Location: Dunedin
Posts: 1,383
Re: Bit of fun
Paddy, the Irish labourer goes to his doctor, 'I'm constipated.' he says.
The doctor examines him for a few minutes and says, 'Lean over the table.'
After he does so, the doctor whacks him on his @rse with a baseball bat.
A loud 'CRACK!' is heard, and the doctor sends Paddy to the toilet.
After coming out of the toilet, Paddy says, 'I feel great! What should I do to prevent constipation in the future?'
The doctor says, 'Stop wiping your @rse with cement bags.'
The doctor examines him for a few minutes and says, 'Lean over the table.'
After he does so, the doctor whacks him on his @rse with a baseball bat.
A loud 'CRACK!' is heard, and the doctor sends Paddy to the toilet.
After coming out of the toilet, Paddy says, 'I feel great! What should I do to prevent constipation in the future?'
The doctor says, 'Stop wiping your @rse with cement bags.'
Sep 29th 2008, 7:38 am
#158
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Joined: Feb 2008
Location: Dunedin
Posts: 1,383
Re: Bit of fun
A teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your wages on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a much better model.
The women won!!
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your wages on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a much better model.
The women won!!
Sep 29th 2008, 7:40 am
#159
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Joined: Feb 2008
Location: Dunedin
Posts: 1,383
Re: Bit of fun
TECH SUPPORT - HOW CAN I HELP?
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
Tech Support: Can you minimise or close that window please?
Customer: Ok hang on ....... (comes back after 2 minutes and breathless) Yep, i ve closed all the windows, the one in the attic is quite hard to reach!
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah... thank you.
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me.
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah... that one does work...
Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
Customer: Hi I have a problem with my Canon printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.
Tech support: Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'... on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
Tech Support: Can you minimise or close that window please?
Customer: Ok hang on ....... (comes back after 2 minutes and breathless) Yep, i ve closed all the windows, the one in the attic is quite hard to reach!
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah... thank you.
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me.
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah... that one does work...
Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
Customer: Hi I have a problem with my Canon printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.
Tech support: Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'... on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
Sep 29th 2008, 7:43 am
#160
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Feb 2008
Location: Dunedin
Posts: 1,383
Re: Bit of fun
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in
progress. A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The
salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage,
was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an
old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out
a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty
swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was
carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and
saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't
Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. He couldn't believe the old guy was
still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket.
Again, the centre ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were
placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then
suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three
swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after
the show.
'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know
something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to
coconuts? ''Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit
they used tae be
progress. A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The
salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage,
was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an
old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out
a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty
swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was
carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and
saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't
Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. He couldn't believe the old guy was
still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket.
Again, the centre ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were
placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then
suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three
swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after
the show.
'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know
something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to
coconuts? ''Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit
they used tae be
Sep 29th 2008, 7:47 am
#161
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Feb 2008
Location: Dunedin
Posts: 1,383
Re: Bit of fun
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, 'Forget the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!'
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!'
An elderly couple are attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
Granny replies, 'Forget the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!'
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!'
An elderly couple are attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
Sep 29th 2008, 8:17 am
#162
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Thread Starter
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Morecambe
Posts: 1,659
Re: Bit of fun
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walks by and asks what they are doing.
Paddy: "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder."
The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She pulled a tape measure from her pocket, took a few measurements and announced that it was eighteen feet and six inches. She then walked off.
Mick: "Ain't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length."
TO BE SURE!
Paddy: "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder."
The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She pulled a tape measure from her pocket, took a few measurements and announced that it was eighteen feet and six inches. She then walked off.
Mick: "Ain't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length."
TO BE SURE!
Sep 29th 2008, 8:19 am
#163
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Thread Starter
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Morecambe
Posts: 1,659
Re: Bit of fun
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired
and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the
worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only
hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for
the brain yourselves.." The family members sat silent as they
absorbed the news. "
After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a
brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "£ 5,000 for a female brain, and £200 for
a male brain."
The moment turned awkward. Women in the room tried not to smile,
avoiding eye contact with the men, but some actually smirked. A
woman unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
wanted to ask, "Why is the female brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to
mark down the price of the male brains, because they've actually been
used."
family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired
and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the
worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only
hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for
the brain yourselves.." The family members sat silent as they
absorbed the news. "
After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a
brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "£ 5,000 for a female brain, and £200 for
a male brain."
The moment turned awkward. Women in the room tried not to smile,
avoiding eye contact with the men, but some actually smirked. A
woman unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
wanted to ask, "Why is the female brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to
mark down the price of the male brains, because they've actually been
used."
Sep 29th 2008, 8:21 am
#164
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Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Morecambe
Posts: 1,659
Re: Bit of fun
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and
the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, an old Jewish man sat down in the aisle seat. After
takeoff, the Jew kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and
get a coke."
"Don't get up," said the Jew, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the man's shoe and spat
in it.
When the old man returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That
looks good, I'd really like one, too."
Again, the old man obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the man's other shoe and
spat in it.
When the old man returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As
the plane was landing, the old Jew slipped his feet into his shoes and
knew immediately what had happened.
"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked.
"How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations?
This hatred?
This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
When will it end?
the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, an old Jewish man sat down in the aisle seat. After
takeoff, the Jew kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and
get a coke."
"Don't get up," said the Jew, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the man's shoe and spat
in it.
When the old man returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That
looks good, I'd really like one, too."
Again, the old man obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the man's other shoe and
spat in it.
When the old man returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As
the plane was landing, the old Jew slipped his feet into his shoes and
knew immediately what had happened.
"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked.
"How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations?
This hatred?
This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
When will it end?
Sep 29th 2008, 8:22 am
#165
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Thread Starter
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Morecambe
Posts: 1,659
Re: Bit of fun
A woman sitting in a Dubbo restaurant (translation: pie shop) suddenly
Began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in
Real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next
Table turned to look at her.
"Kin ya swaller?" asked Kenzie. The woman signalled 'No!'
Desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head 'No!!!'
With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
Yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down her a**e.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the Obstruction
Flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Brian said in admiration; "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind-Lick-Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen Somebody do
It".
Began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in
Real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next
Table turned to look at her.
"Kin ya swaller?" asked Kenzie. The woman signalled 'No!'
Desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head 'No!!!'
With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
Yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down her a**e.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the Obstruction
Flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Brian said in admiration; "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind-Lick-Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen Somebody do
It".