malcoltom

A cultural comparison
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Australians: Dislike being mistaken for Brits when abroad.
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Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
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Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
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Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
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Australians: Believe you should look out for your mates.
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Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
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Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
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Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
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Australians: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
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Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
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Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
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Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
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Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
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Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
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Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
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Australians: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
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Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
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Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
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Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
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Australians: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
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Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
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Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
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Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
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Australians: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.
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Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
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Australians: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
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Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
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Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
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Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.
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Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.
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Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.
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Australians: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
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Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
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Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
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Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
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Australians: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers

malcoltom

Made Where?
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Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his coffee pot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).
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After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying BRITISH JOB.
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At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in BRITAIN.

malcoltom

Finally, a pyramid scheme worth joining! Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates...
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INSTRUCTIONS
Anaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post.
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Statistically, among those women, there will be at least: 0.5 Miss Worlds, 2.5 models, 463 wild nymphos, 3,234 good-looking nymphos, 20,198 who enjoy multiple 0rgasms, and 40,198 bi-sexual women.
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In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.
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DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER
One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter).
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While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.
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YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL
This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life.
No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities that only interest women) just so that you can bonk her. No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement.
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Do not hesitate ... send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.
PS. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner
PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake

malcoltom

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, pleaseaccept my condolences.
The following day, Mr Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pyjamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.. Please put your Private Part back inside your pyjamas."
But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pyjamas?"

"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

malcoltom

A man walked into a supermarket with his zip down. A woman cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about finished shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly's open."
He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally queued where the woman was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Soldier standing at attention in there?"
The lady woman thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old kit bags".

malcoltom

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water spray to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and enjoy the scent of fresh butter .

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.

So far, I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.

malcoltom

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway But, as time went by, the traffic
slowly built up at an alarming rate The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my
chickens.
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers.
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign which said

SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go
even faster".
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers who put up a new sign.

CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."
He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call
"How's the problem with those drivers,Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."
He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY

Go slow and watch out for chicks!!

malcoltom

After Jesus was nailed to the cross he was paid a visit by Judas who sang him a little song to cheer him up:

"If you're Jesus and you know it clap your hands"

malcoltom

Business explained by cows.
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TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell the herd and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of
four cows. You are surprised when the cows drops dead.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create irritating cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them world-wide at a fantastic profit.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
ENGLISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
A HINDU CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.
CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman
who reported the numbers.
A WELSH CORPORATION
You have two cows. The younger one is rather attractive.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have 2 stolen bulls but think they are cows and you die the first time you
try and milk them.
AN IRISH CORPORATION
Who cares, the EU really owns them now and the pub is still serving.
NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows. You don't know what they are used for as they aren't
sheep. You have sex with them anyway.

malcoltom

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight.
After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window
seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice,
"Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."
After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight
lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired.
Married, two sons, both Judges."
After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce
himself.
With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Chief Gunnery Sergeant,
United States Marines, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.

malcoltom

Where's the rake?

I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower.
I realised that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, "Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?" I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
I repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
My wife replied that she understands and signals back.
She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that? She replies,

"Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush"--

malcoltom

Retirement

Upon reaching 65, old Fred decided to retire. After having him under foot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him. She suggested he
go and do something to occupy himself, like join a club or get a hobby.
Old Fred obliged and went out for a couple of hours.
When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the corner bar and hung out with the guys. Oh yeah, I joined
a parachute club."
"What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start parachuting?"
"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."
"Old man, you need glasses! This is a membership in a Prostitute Club!"

"Oh, great, now what am I gonna to do? I signed up for five jumps a week!"

malcoltom

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it
to "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council
they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go.
Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." The town council
turned thumbs down again.
Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." No way.
"Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope.
"Nuts and Butts?" Uh uh.
"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr Smith
and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved it.

malcoltom

Two Australian businessmen in Sydney were sitting down for a break, in their soon-to be new store..
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Kiwi walked to the window, had a peek and in a Kiwi accent asked 'What are you selling here?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Kiwi said, 'You're doing well .... Only two left!'

Australians God bless them - should not mess with New Zealanders

malcoltom

Two elderly people were living in an Old Folk's Home he was a widower and she a widow, and they had known each other for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her,
"Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration', she answered
"Yes. Yes, I will."
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to
their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"
He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall.
Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone
and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as
he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you
would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I
meant it with all my heart." Then she continued,
"I am so glad that you called,because I couldn't remember who had asked me."