Bit of fun

Old Sep 26th 2008, 9:21 am
  #136  
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Originally Posted by malcoltom View Post
A guy goes to the Council to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him "Have you been in the armed services?" "Yes," he says "I was in the army for three years and served in Iraq."
The interviewer says "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy "OK. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM."
The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 PM. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM?"
"This is a council job" the interviewer replies.
"For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls....... no point in you coming in for that."


HAVE YOU ALL HAD ENOUGH OF THESE YET?

Don't you dare stop, these are the high points of my day! Thank you
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Old Sep 26th 2008, 12:47 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Originally Posted by malcoltom View Post
HAVE YOU ALL HAD ENOUGH OF THESE YET?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, they're amazing and hilariously funny, the OH is always asking why I'm laughing so much at computer, pokes his head round door, sees what I'm looking at and then shakes his head! I shout them out to him in the other room and he laughs too. So please keep them coming

nic
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Old Sep 26th 2008, 3:31 pm
  #138  
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Originally Posted by nic.gem.soph View Post
I shout them out to him in the other room thumbsup:
nic
I do that too! Have to be careful when littles ears around though!!
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Old Sep 26th 2008, 5:23 pm
  #139  
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Originally Posted by j19fmm View Post
I do that too! Have to be careful when littles ears around though!!
So do I!! Have learnt not to look at these until after the boys go to bed Under no circumstances must you stop,these keep me sane some nights! Really enjoy having a proper belly laugh.

Phyllis
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Old Sep 27th 2008, 8:35 am
  #140  
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Default Re: Bit of fun

HERE YOU ARE THEN

A man walks in to a bar, and says "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."
The bartender says, "Seems as though you've got a major stuttering problem."
The man replies, "N-n-no k-k-k-idding!"
The bartender says, "I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she gave me oral sex three times in a row, and I haven't stuttered since!"
The man says, "W-w-wow, th-th-that's great to kn-kn-know..."
A week later, the same man walks in to the bar, and says, "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."
The bartender says, "Why didn't you try what I told you?"
"I d-d-did!" said the man, "It j-j-just d-d-didn't w-w-work... ....b-b-but I m-m-must say, you have a r-r-really n-n-nice apartment!"

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Old Sep 27th 2008, 6:02 pm
  #141  
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Default Re: Bit of fun

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
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Old Sep 27th 2008, 6:03 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

One day three women were at a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!''

''I know!'' the next woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house but when I called he wasn't there.''

The third woman says, ''I always know where my husband is.''

''Impossible!'' both women say, ''He has you completely fooled!''

''Oh no,'' says the woman. ''I'm a widow.''
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Old Sep 27th 2008, 8:11 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

A very very naive couple were getting married and all their friends kept say to the bride she would be getting “what’s what” that night. When they went to the bedroom the bride asked the groom if he had the “what’s what” everyone had told her she would be getting his reply was "no". So all night long they looked for it until they were exhausted and decided to go to bed. As the groom removed his underpants the bride pointing to you know what said, “what’s that” he replied, “what’s what” and she said

For the answer see next post

June

Last edited by Margaret Parkinson; Sep 27th 2008 at 8:15 pm.
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Old Sep 27th 2008, 8:14 pm
  #144  
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Default Re: Bit of fun

“See you had it all the time”

June
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Old Sep 28th 2008, 10:59 am
  #145  
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Default Re: Bit of fun

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Order placed for live bugs.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks causing throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found mounted on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and to get serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
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Old Sep 28th 2008, 11:02 am
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Default Re: Bit of fun

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly come toward him and stop. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door ... only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other ...

"Look, Paddy ... there's that f...ing idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!"
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Old Sep 28th 2008, 11:04 am
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Default Re: Bit of fun

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night'.

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize last night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four
years.... Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'
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Old Sep 28th 2008, 11:06 am
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Default Re: Bit of fun

For some time many of us have wondered just who the hell is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named MAPS Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt
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Old Sep 28th 2008, 11:08 am
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Christmas carols for the disturbed

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear.

Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Kings Disorientated Are.

Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

Narcissistic: Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me.

Manic: Deck The Halls And Walls and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Offices and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees.

Paranoid: Santa Claus Is Coming To Town To Get Me.

Borderline Personality Disorder: Thoughts Of Roasting On An Open Fire.

Personality Disorder: You'd Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why.

Attention Deficit Disorder: Silent Night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
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Old Sep 28th 2008, 11:13 am
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Thought I was p*ssed for a minute!!!!!

Cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

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