malcoltom

A man in Tesco tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
<
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some prat out there wants to buy half a cauliflower."
<
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
<
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
<
"Liverpool, sir." the boy replied.
<
"Well, why did you leave Liverpool?" the manager asked.
<
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but who*res and footballers up there."
<
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Liverpool."
<
"You're kidding!" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"

malcoltom

One day in artillery instruction, a colonel came to inspect our class. First up was Private O'Hara. The colonel got in his face and asked him what reading he had on his 105-mm howitzer. "Two-nine-oh-seven, sir," was the reply.
<
"Soldier," said the colonel, "don't you know you never say 'oh' in the artillery? You say 'zero.' What's your name, soldier?"
<
"Zero Hara, sir," answered the private.

malcoltom

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asks.
<
"Sweetheart," she sobs, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again, "I found that the cat had eaten it!"
<
"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We'll get a new cat in the morning..."

malcoltom

A gay man walks into a country bar and says, "I just want everyone to know that I'm gay, but I won't hit on anyone. I just like country music."
<
The bartender says that it's okay and the man stays.
<
The next day the gay man comes back with another guy and says, "This is my brother. I just want everyone to know that we're gay, but we won't hit on anyone. We just like country music."
<
The bartender again says that is okay and the men stay.
<
Again, the next day the man comes back, but this time he is with even more men and says, "These are my cousins and my brother. I just want everyone to know that we're gay, but we won't hit on anyone. We just like country music."
<
The bartender finally gets curious and asks, "Hey, doesn't ANYONE in your family like girls?"
<
The gay man replies, "Yeah, but she doesn't like country music."

malcoltom

Bill and Sarah were Londoners and were blessed with seven healthy children. After many months of discussion, they finally decided to move to New York. It should have been a simple enough move, but when they arrived, they had great difficulty finding a suitable apartment to live in.
<
Although many were big enough, the landlords always seemed to object to such a large family living there. If only Bill wasn't so honest about the size of his family!
<
After several days of unsuccessful searching, Bill had an idea. He told Sarah to take the four younger children to visit the local cemetery while he went with the older three children to find an apartment. After looking for most of the morning, Bill found a place that was ideal.
<
The landlord asked him, "How many children do you have?"
<
Bill answered with a deep sigh, "Seven... but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."
<

malcoltom

To celebrate 50 years of marriage, a couple booked a weekend at St. Andrews. On the third tee, the husband you, "Darling, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope that you can forgive me."
<
His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.
<
On the seventeenth tee the wife said to her husband, "Darling, since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation, I was a man before we met."
<
The husband threw a fit! He cursed, threw his driver away, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, tore at his clothes, screamed and ranted,"You liar, you despicable cheat! How could you? I trusted you, and you have been playing off from the ladies' tee all these years!"

malcoltom

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife.
<
"Well I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."
<
"Well you're 75 years old now, Jack, why don't you take my brother Scott along?" suggested his wife.
<
"But he's 85 and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
<
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," his wife pointed out.
<
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
<
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
<
"Yup," Scott answered.
<
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
<
"I forgot."

simonmarkellis

Apparently it will no longer be ethical to call individuals who overstay there welcome in a country as Illegal Immigrants. From now on they are to be know as 'Tourists Without Authority To Stay' or T.W.A.T.S for short!

malcoltom

Paddy was telling Mick about his first parachute jump. "When i got to the doo, i couldn't jump. The 6'7" man mountain black instructor unzipped his flies and drops out 14" and says'If you dont jump, you are gonna get this baby right up your backside'. Mick says, "Did you jump?"
Paddy says," A bit, when it first went in".