malcoltom

A woman goes to see her doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman: "Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me.

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"

malcoltom

Just heard the owner of odeon cinema's passed away this morning. his funeral will be held next monday at 2.10, 4.20, 6.30, 8,40 and 10.50

malcoltom

FEMALE POEM
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I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, be not annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind
And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me no end,
And always be my very best friend.
<
<
MALE POEM
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I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns
an off-licence and a fishing boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't care.

malcoltom

Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...come on
Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for god's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to sleep and from now on when you want the bloody window open, do it yourself.

malcoltom

A woman was walking down the street. Without warning, she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago" the homeless woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done In 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."
The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

malcoltom

The Beer Prayer
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Our Lager
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager
Barmen

malcoltom

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He reckoned that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get nine holes in before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee-off an old gentleman shuffled onto the teeing ground and asked if he could join him rather than that they both play alone. Regardless of the fact that he wanted to hurry, it would be ungracious to decline the offer and so he accepted.
To his surprise the old fellow played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball very far, but plodded along consistently and wasted no time at all between shots.
Finally they reached the 9th fairway where the young man found his drive had landed in a difficult spot. There was a large pine tree directly in front of him impeding his next shot to the green.

After what seemed several minutes contemplating how he should
play the shot the old man piped up,
"You know, when I was your age I would just take out my wedge and hit the ball right over that tree".
With the challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hitting the ball up. It rose majestically, soaring upward it was so close to being a magnificent shot, but at what seemed only a foot from the top of the tree it struck with a hard smack, before thudding back to earth within a yard from where it originally lay.
"Of course", ventured the old chap, "When I was your age that
tree was only three feet tall".

malcoltom

Classic Tommy Cooper gags:
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1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."
<
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
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3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
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4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."
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5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
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6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
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7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
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8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
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10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
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11. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."
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12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
<
13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."
<
14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
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15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
<
16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
<
17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho- Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
<
18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round.
The other one says, "So are you, you fat **!$!"
<
19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
<
20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
<
21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places".
The doctor said, "Well, don't go there any more"
<
22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 526 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

malcoltom

An Indian boy goes to his father one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say Dad, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"?
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"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", he said.
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Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"?
<
"Well your mother and I were in a cornfield when we made her", he replied.
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He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"?
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"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the father replies.
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The father paused and said to his son ... "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious"

malcoltom

Stevie Wonder - 7 children.
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David Blunkett - 5 children.
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Ray Charles - 12 children.
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I think it's safe to say it's not playing with yourself that makes you blind.

malcoltom

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
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On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
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On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
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On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap, The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

malcoltom

A man on a business trip was sitting in first class. During the flight, he was given gourmet brownies and cookies for dessert. Not hungry after his meal, he decided to save them for later, so he placed them in an airsickness courtesy bag.
<
After the plane landed, he got up to leave, and a stewardess approached him and asked, "Sir, would you like for me to dispose of that for you?"
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He said, "No thanks, I'm saving it for my kids."

malcoltom

Mick and Pat apply for a job. Pat goes into the interview first.
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"Whats your name?" asks the boss.
<
"Pat sir," says Pat.
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The boss almost explodes with rage, saying, "Your name is not Pat. Your name is PatRICK. If you have no pride in your own name how will I know you will be proud to talk about my company? Now get out and send your mate in."
<
Pat explains carefully what had happened and Mick rather nervously goes for his interview.
<
"Whats your name?" asks the boss.
<
Hesitantly, Mick says, "MickRICK sir."

malcoltom

A woman went to her new doctor for a checkup. He turned out to be absolutely gorgeous! He told her he was going to put his hand on her back and he wanted her to say "Eighty-eight."
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"Eighty-eight," she purred.
<
"Good. Now I'm going to put my hand on your throat and I want you to again say 'Eighty-eight.'"
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"Eighhty...eighhhhtttt."
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"Fine. Now I'm going to put my hands on your breasts and I want you once more to say 'Eighty-eight.'"
<
"One, two, three, four, five..."

malcoltom

After an overnight flight to meet her husband at his latest military assignment, a woman wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with her nine children - all under age 11. Collecting their many suitcases, the ten of them entered the cramped customs area.
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A young customs official watched the entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"
<
"Yes, sir," she said with a sigh. "They're all mine."
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The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"
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"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."
<
The official allowed them to pass without opening a single suitcase.