mkumar

Three men, Manners, Shut up and Poo are walking down the road.

Poo falls over and Manners stops by to help him up. Shut up carries on walking.

A Policeman sees Shut up, and says, "Whats your name?".
Shut Up replies, "Shut Up".
"Where's your manners?" asks the Policeman
Shut Up replies, "He's picking up Poo".

malcoltom

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomachache and legs hurt, I no come work.’
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.’
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........
You got nice house’

malcoltom

Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail."
So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday.
So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did.
''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy.
''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge.
''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.''
''Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.''
''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge.
''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''

malcoltom

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what’s wrong. Through his tears the old man answers,
"I’m in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."
"What’s wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don’t understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "I don’t understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

malcoltom

God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth.
Man 1: Please God, I can’t count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.
God: I am ashamed of you, my man, for that, I give you a knackered Skoda that barely moves.
Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!
God: My man, I am ashamed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.
Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out three times a week, and...
God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!
Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.
Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You’re acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!
Man 3: I just saw my wife on rollerskates!

malcoltom

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

malcoltom

DON'T FART IN BED

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and
I'll pray for you.

This is a story about a couple that had been happily married for years.The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every night before he fell asleep and again every morning when he awoke, even louder than the night before. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
She would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making
her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly
natural. She told him to see a doctor; as she was concerned that one day
he would blow his guts out. To which, he only laughed.The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She warmed the innards just enough to take off the chill, then took the
bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep. Gently
pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his
underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which
was followed by a blood-curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps
as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in h er eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained
underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. God, I feel horrible."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one-day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened."
"Oh No!" his wife exclaimed, doing her best to hold back the laughter, "are you okay honey?"
"Yea, I'm a little uncomfortable," he said with a moan. "But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of 'em back in."

malcoltom

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynaecologist.
'Come now,' coaxed the doctor, 'You've been seeing me for years,there's nothing you can't tell me.'

'This one's kind of strange' she said.
'Let me be the judge of that,' the doctor replied.
'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'

'I see.'

'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were 5p's in the bowl.' 'That night,' she went on, 'I went again, Plink-plink-plink, and there were 10p's and this morning there were 50p's !
You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored, 'I'm scared out of my wits!'

The gynaecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Ready for this?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(I'm warning you.....)
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(Still not too late....delete now!)
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'You're simply going through the change!

Batty

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly open the door to the freezer, the parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Batty

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

malcoltom

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her arse and said, "You know if you firmed this up you could get rid of your girdle."
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the tit and said,"You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
She rolled over and grabbed him by the dick and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the window cleaner, and your brother."

malcoltom

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He’s crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.... But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an Inland Revenue ID badge and dull grey suit. There’s a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes..."
"I’m not falling for this." says the man. "I’m not going to trust a person from the Inland Revenue"
"What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a gonner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
***POOF***
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what’s your second wish."
"My second wish is to be rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story?
If the Inland Revenue offers you anything, there’s going to be a string attached.
:curse:

malcoltom

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland.
When the man tells her it will be £30 She exclaims.. "I can’t afford that.. but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland !!!! "
To that the man asks "Anything"??
And the blonde says "yes.. Anything"!! With that, the man says "Follow me"
..He walks into the next room and tells her "Come in and close the door"..She does!!
He then says "Get on your knees"..She does!!..
He then says take down my zipper"..She does!!...
He then says "Go ahead... Take it out"
With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands!!
The man then says "Well.. Go ahead"!!...
She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips..
She says "HELLO, MUM"????

malcoltom

A Texan walked into a brothel in New Orleans and bellied up to the bar.
"M name is John. Everyone calls me Big Bad John. I come from Texas, ladies and gents. I’m six foot four and 225 pounds of dynamite. And I want me the best dang wh*re in the place."
The madam calls over Dallas Rose, her best girl and sends them upstairs to one of the rooms.
When they were undressing, he went through his Big Bad John routine again.
A few minutes later Dallas Rose comes running madly down the stairs shouting, "Run, run for your lives. There’s 225 pounds of dynamite upstairs with a two inch fuse!"

malcoltom

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry.
He gets to one house where the bin hasn’t been left out so he has a quick look for it, as he’s on a bonus for bins emptied he goes round the back but still can’t see it so he knocks on the door.
There’s no answer so he knocks again.
Eventually a Japanese bloke answers...
"Harro", says the happy jappy chappy.
"Alright mate, where’s your bin?" asks the dustman
"I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.
Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the bin man smiles and
says "No mate, where’s ya dust bin?"
"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Japanese man
"Mate" says the dustman... "you’re misunderstanding me...Where’s your
wheely bin?"
"OK, OK" , says the Jap, "I wheely bin having wank"