malcoltom

A deaf man goes to the the doctors with his wife.
The doctor says to him ""I need a stool sample, a urine sample, and a semen sample.""
The man turns round and says to his wife ""What does he want?""
His wife says ""YOUR UNDERPANTS""

malcoltom

After her fifth child, Carol decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory - cos her gammon was dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.
Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot, rather than a badly packed kebab.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.
"Who are these from ?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."
"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks"
"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Carol
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!".
"Brilliant!" said Carol. "And the third?"
"That's from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse.
"He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

malcoltom

When a man asked me if i preferred legs, breasts or thighs, i told him that i fancied a brazilian. He replied that it wasnt on the menu at KFC.

malcoltom

A prize fighter was driving through Scotland - on a winter holiday with his wife. He said, "I've been thinking. I've always heard how tough Highlanders are. Here I am with a 20-0 record in the ring. I feel like I'm tough but I've never fought a Jock. It's got me to wondering."
The wife said, "Oh, that doesn't make any difference. You're successful at what you do. You've fought some mighty tough guys and you've always come out on top."
He said, "Yeah, but I still can't help but wonder. Before we go home, I'm going to have to whip a Jock's arse."
A while later a tyre burst. The fighter got stopped and it was way below freezing with driving sleet. He was not looking forward to changing the wheel. As he started getting the jack out a breakdown truck drove by. The driver, a giant of a man, asked "D'ye need a hand Jimmy?"
The fighter said, "Yeah, I need a wheel change and I need to whip a Jock's arse. Which one do you want to help me with?"
The jock said, "Hae aboot this? Ye whop my arse, I'll change your wheel. I whop your arse, ye hold my balls up out of the snow while I ***** the wee lady."
They agreed and set to.
A little later the prize fighter and his wife were back on the road and she said, "I guess that Highlander wasn't so tough after all."
He said, "No, did you see the way he flinched when I dropped his balls in the snow ?"

malcoltom

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the ward, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to top speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was a sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some joined in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him.
"OK," he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him.
Harold nodded, and said, "Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable stiffy.
"Oh, *****" cried Ethel, "not the breathalyzer again!"

malcoltom

A Mafia godfather finds out that one of his underlings has ripped him off to the tune of £10m. The underling happens to be deaf, so the godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the underling: "Where is the £10m you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, relays the question to the hood. The underling signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the underling's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling, "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The underling signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

malcoltom

When Ron first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches and Ron became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, even walking, so he and his wife went to see a doctor.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained that, though rare, Ron's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ron be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

malcoltom

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real b*tch tonight, Dave."
:curse:

malcoltom

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!".
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of ******' one?"

malcoltom

Just been to the gym and there's a new machine.
I only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick!
It's damned good though - it does everything .......... KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, crisps ........

malcoltom

When I was 18, I made the Australian Under 19s side to play the South African under 19s side as the curtain-raiser for the Australian Wallabies vs South Africa Springboks match at Cape Town.
That reminds me...
The other day I was at my local pub just having a few quiet beers by myself.
The door of the pub opened & in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'9" tall, stunning blue eyes & bee-stung lips framed by silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by hotpants and a flimsy cotton top. As far as I could tell, she wore no bra nor needed one.
After watching her walk in & silently cursing myself for hitting every branch when I fell out of the ugly tree, I turned back to my beer. No sooner have I taken a sip but movement catches my eye & I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me & sitting down.
She said hi, I managed to stammer out a reply. She asked how I was going while taking my hand & placing it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up & down.
"So, do you feel good," she asked.
"*cough* *choke* Erm, yeah," I replied, staring unbelievably at where my hand was.
"I'll bet you feel good," she continued. "In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before."
"Well, I have," I corrected her. "You see, when I was 18 I made the Australian Under 19s side to play the South African under 19s side as the curtain-raiser for the Australian Wallabies vs South Africa Springboks match at Cape Town. Running out in front of at that stage 25,000 rugby-mad South African fans? Yeah, I have felt this good."
I immediately bit my tongue for saying this & figured I'd blown whatever slim chance I had with her. She took my hand off her thigh & put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.
"How do you feel now," she purred.
"Great," I replied enthusiastically.
Again, she said, "I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!"
"Well, I have," I again replied. "In that game, we were down by six points with about 10 seconds left in the match. The South Africans kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran upfield, side-stepping past the first few South African defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered & scored under the posts as the fulltime siren went. We were still behind by one point, but I had the easiest of goal-kicks left with which to win the match - I could have thrown it over I was that close. As I walked out to take the kick in front of what had grown to about 50,000 fans, savouring the moment, I felt 20 feet tall. So yeah, I have definitely felt this good."
She got a bit miffed at this and pulled my hand from under her top, then thrust it down the front of her pants. My fingers immediately met what felt like a papercut framed by a wisp of cotton candy, and she was wet.
She snapped, "Well tell me this, smartass: Have you ever felt such a *****?"
"Yup," I answered, "I missed the kick."
:curse:

malcoltom

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?"
No response,
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any *****ing good."
:curse:

malcoltom

A man goes to the doctor's
"Doctor I think I've caught that bird flu that's going round"
"What makes you think that?"
"Well I've started wearing make-up, talking bollocks and I can't park the car!"


I EXPECT SOME FLACK FOR THIS ONE

weejie

As you should!!!

Phyllis

malcoltom

A guy goes to the Council to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him "Have you been in the armed services?" "Yes," he says "I was in the army for three years and served in Iraq."
The interviewer says "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy "OK. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM."
The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 PM. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM?"
"This is a council job" the interviewer replies.
"For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls....... no point in you coming in for that."


HAVE YOU ALL HAD ENOUGH OF THESE YET?