Jokerman

I have a dilemma I am trying to work through, so thought I might get some feedback from people without any vested interests.

OK.

I came to NZ in 2001 after my marriage failed and I left my 6 year old son with now ex-wife. At the time it seemed like a good idea.

I arrived in NZ on a working holiday, met a pommy girl and ended up living with her. Cut a long story short, we are no longer together, but remain best mates.

Recently, I have come to a cross-roads. I am studying towards a qualification and would like to carry on with that as I really love it.

I have had some minor success in this vocation already which indicates it's a really good career fit.

After a few years of searching for some meaning in life, i've found something I really get a lot of satisfaction out of.

However, I do not love NZ.

The only reason I stay here now is to complete this course!

Also, I have guilt about leaving my son with my ex. I know he's thriving but it does play on my mind quite a bit.

So, anyway recently I asked my ex-wife if I moved back to the UK would she put me up for a while till I found my feet. She agreed. We have managed to remain on reasonable terms.

Back in Blighty I'd probably end up working in a field I despise (IT ). Current career aspirations would be put on hold to some extent - although I could probably carry them on in Blighty in a year or two.

Seeing my son and being a bigger part of his life would be fantastic again. I have always tried to keep in touch and have visited him quite regularly, at least once a year.

My course finishes in a years time -at which time I should be able to work in the Newspaper industry.

I've asked some close friends about this they have all said that I would be mad to go back, now : Wait another year.

Opinions? Let it rip I am a big boy and can handle criticism!

One more thing, since I'm now a student i've got sod all money to take back to the UK and will be penniless if I go.

wannabekiwi

I think if you are after more meaning in your life....
it would be wonderful to spend more time with your son back in the UK.
It sounds like your son's mother is happy to support you in a way too which is very positive and you don't know how much longer she will offer that to you.
I believe the more you spend time and bond with your kid now the better your relation-ship and trust will be in the future.
You sound like you must be in your thirties? So plenty of time to continue your change of carreer.
At least in IT there won't be any financial worries and plenty of dosh to take your son out on fun days...
Since you don't feel to passionate about NZ and don't seem to be in a serious relation-ship there at the moment it would make sense to me if you would get to the UK as soon as you can.
In my opinion being there and caring (in person) for your offspring means much more than anything else.
You had your NZ adventure and "Jokerman" time out....and I can imagine deep down you know already what's the best thing to do.

Lookin2Oz

Well my 5 cents……….

We have pretty much made the decision that we will not remain in NZ.

We = my missus is South African, my six year old son born in SA, me a Scot that lived in SA for many years. We have been in NZ nearly 4 years.

One of my biggest things in our decision to move to UK ( or Aus) is our wee lad, he is in a good school here blah blah blah.

Anyway, to your situ …….

If I were in your shoes I would get out of NZ ASAP and get to be with yer wee lad ASAP. The fact that your ex will assist shows that she is thinking about your child rather than any differences you had / have. That is great and really it can tear the wee ones apart and he will love having his dad back.

The rest of the stuff will work itself out and maybe you can finish your course at night school over there ?

Man the wee ones just grow up so fast and time with them is just so precious.

We are looking at our whole dilemma as an adventure trip going back to Scotland and if we make a huge mistake we can come back here if we wanted to. Bottom line is we would get to spend some time over there before our wee lad gets to the serious school age. They are pretty resilient at this age.

We have family in the UK and our wee lad is at the age where he is enquiring about all that stuff and as we get older the value of that also increases.

There is also the fact that neither myself or the missus have a sense of belonging here in NZ and it doesn’t give us the motivation to try to put our routes down and really try to force something when it is quite evident that it is not happening.

For me, spending time with your wee lad would be precious. Maybe you & your ex could sort things out ?

Good luck with it all anyways and

Whilst there is a recession on in the UK it is happening here also so where would you rather be

garryhg

I can't say what i think you should do,only what I would do in your position...I would hold out for that year until your course finishes then go back..

you have come this far see it through..another year will go so fast and your son is still young,if its going to give you better opportunities when you go back then its worth considering...and really its in your sons best interest that you are happy and settled in a good job when you go back..

Having said that in a years time your wife may have met someone else who might not be happy with her putting you up until you find your feet..decisions decisions..gl with your choice...Jacky

Joshlin

Hi Jokerman
this is a very personal thing so you have to do what feels right for you, but some thoughts and questions to help (hopefully) in your decision making.....

you have spent 7 years away from your son and seem to have maintained a relationship (i assume he was 6 when you left?) - would another year make that much difference

whilst being an involved parent is a superb thing, personal needs must have a high priority (and I say this as a parent) - if you are unhappy in your day to day activities it will filter into all of your relationships, including the ones with your son and your ex - if you have found a new direction in terms of career I personally would secure that before going back

i would think hard about returning to live with your ex - even for a short while - what message does it send to your son and then how will he feel when you eventually move out again

if my first assumption was right, then your son is now 13 - he will very quickly be doing his own thing and have little time for dad - he might even fancy trying somewhere new like NZ! where could you provide him with the most opportunities?

like I say, this is a personal decision so good luck with it! How would you feel if you were in a secure relationship here?

all the best

lapsed kiwi

Did you use to be Campbells? You have quite a similar background

Lookin2Oz

There are quite a few Scottish / South Africans in New Zealand.

Couldn’t find anything on the members list here only a Campbell with no similarity.

sr71

I'm not so sure now would be a good time to go back, the IT market is pretty much destroyed at the moment. But I couldn't have left my son so I'd be back on the first plane if I had no ties.

Jokerman

Whereabouts are you? The UK? Also, what type of IT are you in? I was heavily involved in programming (Delphi, some VB), SQL,MS-access, Crystal reports, that type of thing. Can't say I miss it much, if at all. Yeah, not many people can leave their son, but I was a very selfish individual back then, and still am to a large extent, I am working on it. I regret it, but we all make mistakes. I will say, in my defense, that when I was in a position to a few years ago, I offered my ex a place to stay and asked her to move to NZ with my son, which she refused to do. So there are two sides to this issue.

Joshlin

I don't think anyone should judge this situation, hindsight is a wonderful thing but we all do what we think is the best at the time.

luvwelly

Your son is much more important than most any qualification....you were vague about the specifics - are you sure it wouldn't be doable in UK as well..in the near future?
I could never have left my kids so this is the point of view I am coming from....

eddie_nz

Go back spend some time with your son.

Graduate jobs in nz will be crap next year, and not much difference in the UK.

weejie

Where are you thinking of going???I know of a cracking house that's up for sale in Old Kilpatrick

Lookin2Oz

Had a look

You mind posting these pictures on here ( perhaps another thread or PM me) as they don't open up to decent size via the classifieds.

Hey, you have a fan in the bedroom - you mean it gets hot in SCotland

southerner

Hmmm - didn't answer the question.
Thats because Campbells' account was deleted.

Soup man, you're back on ignore!