sarahw

Don't want to put a downer on the forum but I've been in NZ for 2 1/2 years and found out after a call in the middle of the night last night that my granny had passed away.

I really would like to go to the funeral as we were very close but it seems such a long way to go - it's not like I'd be seeing her again! My parents suggested there was no point making the trip but I still feel dreadful that I probably won't be there to pay my respects.

Anyone been through something similar and got some suggestions? Thanks.

Ozzidoc

Sorry for your loss.

Did granny have a favourite plant/tree? Maybe you could have your own little tree in NZ, like a little memorial.

A few words that could be read out aloud on your behalf at the funeral?

Boopy

That's a lovely idea, it is such an expense & uses up all your NZ holidays accured.
We'd been in NZ 6 wks when my mam was diagnosed with breast cancer, she underwent surgery, then 6 weeks of radiotherapy. Two months after that she told us, that she wanted to see us. We flew back to say our goodbyes - she's just had her apt with the consultant who doesn't need to see her for 6 months. Someone up there is looking after her, she's 85yrs old.
You just have such a helpless feeling when your so far away.

jackietyfry

Dont be too hard on yourself. You dont need to go to a funeral to pay your respects, and you can honour your granny in some other, personal way.
I guess this when you really feel far from home
Thinking of you
Jackie.x

SarahB

I think this is a nice idea... there are some gorgeous plants and trees here.

Dont be too hard on yourself. Good luck with everything. x

Emyorks

Very sorry about your loss.

Trees and plants are a nice idea.

My Grandma and Grandad (different sides of the family) both died when i was in the States for a year and i couldn't get back for the funerals. Although hard at the time i can think back and remember them as they were and not the upset and sadness of the day.

Have a bug hug though!

Lexylou

My grandmother died after my being in NZ for only 8 months. Her sister my great aunt died only a few months before. I loved them both dearly, my sister was also in NZ at this time. She went back to the UK when my great aunt died. I didn't and I have really regretted it, but mainly because she was an old lady that had never married or had children, we were like her grandchildren, sadly her only love was killed in war. I did go back for my grandmothers funeral and I am glad I did in some respects, but would rather have been at my great aunts.

My OH is Kiwi, his grandmother died a few years ago and he didn't go back but they taped the funeral, sound only (his sisters sang and his father gave wonderful eulogy so it was nice for him to hear the family remember her in the readings etc)

The tree / plant idea is wonderful. At the end of the day, death is part of life and I am sure that your grandmother would not want you worrying or upsetting yourself about the trip. Maybe on the day of the funeral have your own little remembrance about her.

Good luck whatever you decide. Such an awful time for you and your family. x

dreamfish

oh sarah thats awfully sad. I can relate with your absolute need to be at the funeral and pay your respects in the 'normal way'. But you know, gran is not in the coffin or in the church - she is with all of you in spirit and in your hearts. She will hear your thoughts and prayers no matter where you are in the world.

I know my Nan would have thought it utterly ridiculous to travel across the globe to see her put in the ground. I would struggle with that, but in hindsight would see it made perfect sense.

When my Dad died i laminated a photo of him, and put it in the garden next to one of those tall bamboo candle holders you can get. i would light it at night, have a cuppa and talk to him. It was extremely comforting and I would very often hear his voice when he answered me. I felt so much closer to him then, than I did staring into his coffin.

How about you find out the time of the funeral, and light a candle here at the appropriate time and have a little quiet time thinking about gran. Maybe you could ask a relative to carry a candle for you too - the candle can represent all those people who cant be at the funeral.

hope that helps, kate xx

urbanproject

Sorry to read about your loss sarah, I can relate totally.

Kate's suggestion is great, that's exactly what I did when my grand dad passed away a few months after I moved to NZ, and it did help as I could not make the trip for the funeral

Take care and hope you feel better

Jen

sarahw

Thanks everyone for your kind thoughts and comments. They did make me blub but only cos they were such thoughtful suggestions and really helped.

I hope the rest of the family will understand my decision, I'm sure Granny would.

Thanks again.

Maz

Sarah,

I'm so sorry for your Granny's passing. It's extremely difficult for expats, whether in Northern France or halfway around the world like we are. Distance is always difficult, no matter how many miles are between us. I know how strong the urge is to go back, but it might be far more traumatic than is worth. That sounds awful, I know, but it's a long way there and back. Don't underestimate the stress of the flights, not to mention the emotional turmoil of seeing everyone else in mourning too. Certainly not a happy visit.

I know the pull is strong to go back now, but personally I wouldn't. There's really nothing you can do, apart from mourn with your family.

Many hugs to you Sarah xxx

All I can do is echo the wonderful ideas above.

Catkin09

Sorry for your loss

I know what you mean about being so far away from the UK. We landed 1st January and my Mum died on the 12th!!

I've decided not to go back for the funeral, with everyones approval I might add, we've just moved into our rented house, the dog arrives 20th and the furniture arrives sometime that week too.

Taking things one day at a time and keeping busy helps.

Catkin

Maz

Dear god Catkin, that's awful. I'm so sorry. Where are you in NZ? You need a support group around you, and pronto.

karonious

I am so sorry to hear your awful news. You must be distraught. I can only imagine how painful this must be for you. If it helps at all, know that we will be thinking about you and your family.
My sincerest condolences.
Karen

Catkin09

Hi Maz

Thanks for the thought, but I'm OK really. I think being here helps as there's absolutely nothing I can do about any of it. My brother and Uncle have sorted the funeral out and the crazy thing is my Dad is going to represent me, (but he's taking his 3rd wife with him ) Mum was his first!!

We've rented a house in Khandallah, it seems a really nice place so far.

Catkin