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Been here 4 months and strugglinh

Been here 4 months and strugglinh

Old May 29th 2017, 12:50 am
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Default Been here 4 months and strugglinh

Hi,


My husband, son and I have only been here for about 4 months, and we're really struggling! We're missing a lot of things about home (the UK), but I'm trying hard to focus on the positives and give it time. However, our son (14 years old) is having a really hard time. He's missing his friends and is determined to return home. He's skipping school, which he never did in the UK, he's constantly in tears and has experienced some bullying.


I don't know what to do for the best. My job is extremely stressful and I'm working almost double the hours to that in the UK, with less paid annual leave and sick pay. So finding the positives is proving difficult.


Any advice on how I can help my son feel better and try to give NZ a fair crack?
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Old May 29th 2017, 5:50 am
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Default Re: Three years (well, almost)

Originally Posted by MAZ-10 View Post
Hi,


My husband, son and I have only been here for about 4 months, and we're really struggling! We're missing a lot of things about home (the UK), but I'm trying hard to focus on the positives and give it time. However, our son (14 years old) is having a really hard time. He's missing his friends and is determined to return home. He's skipping school, which he never did in the UK, he's constantly in tears and has experienced some bullying.


I don't know what to do for the best. My job is extremely stressful and I'm working almost double the hours to that in the UK, with less paid annual leave and sick pay. So finding the positives is proving difficult.


Any advice on how I can help my son feel better and try to give NZ a fair crack?
It's particularly difficult for 14 yo boys in my honest opinion, particularly if you are in an area where there aren't many new migrants
I would just suggest he quietly observes how Kiwi boys behave and not get involved in confrontational situations & avoiding talking about the UK & his previous life in front of them.

Boys of this age are very territorial (is that the right term? you know what I mean)

If he could find one or two good friends (they will be there) and get involved in some sport or cultural team activities.


It is a difficult time for him and it requires a significant adjustment socially, but at his age he will soon find his feet.

Last edited by LoCarb; May 29th 2017 at 5:53 am.
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Old May 29th 2017, 7:34 am
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Default Re: Been here 4 months and strugglinh

Hi

Many thanks for your feedback. We're in Cambridge so there's quite a few English people around, he's just generally missing his friends. He has joined the football team so trying is to do extra things.

We're trying to encourage him to accept life as it is now, it may not be forever but NZ is where we're at right now, so trying to embrace the differences.

We'll keep at it for the near future at least.
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Old May 29th 2017, 12:15 pm
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Default Re: Been here 4 months and strugglinh

Sorry to hear that you are struggling especially your son. As mentioned already, trying new clubs or joining social groups might help. I think four months is still very early but it can't be easy for you when you compare the work situation and your son's unhappiness with what you had in the UK.

I hope things improve for him and for you. Like you say though this is just for the now and it might all change.
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Old May 29th 2017, 8:29 pm
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Default Re: Been here 4 months and strugglinh

Thanks MrsCakey


We're trying our best, only time will tell I guess.
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Old May 29th 2017, 8:46 pm
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Default Re: Been here 4 months and strugglinh

Originally Posted by MAZ-10 View Post
Thanks MrsCakey


We're trying our best, only time will tell I guess.
Having moved with two boys from UK to Canada. I spent as much time with my children as possible.
My wife stayed at home and this provided further emotional support for my sons.

You need to maintain the bridge between yourself and your son and spend as much time together as possible, until he makes his own friends. Finding the time may be difficult for you at the moment, but at the end of the day it was your choice to bring him to the other side of the world.

I hope things work out.

Last edited by geoff52; May 29th 2017 at 8:51 pm.
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Old May 29th 2017, 9:09 pm
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Default Re: Been here 4 months and strugglinh

Hi Geoff


Thanks for your reply. I understand what you're saying about spending time with my boy, unfortunately I have to work full-time here (at the moment at least). My son was aware of this before we left and he was very eager to move. However the reality is very different for him. We spend time together every day and do as much as we can at the weekends. I'm under no illusion that this may not work out, and ultimately my son's happiness is my priority.
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Old May 29th 2017, 9:32 pm
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Default Re: Been here 4 months and strugglinh

Originally Posted by MAZ-10 View Post
Hi Geoff


Thanks for your reply. I understand what you're saying about spending time with my boy, unfortunately I have to work full-time here (at the moment at least). My son was aware of this before we left and he was very eager to move. However the reality is very different for him. We spend time together every day and do as much as we can at the weekends. I'm under no illusion that this may not work out, and ultimately my son's happiness is my priority.
Couldn't agree with you more.
You don't want to look back in later years and think you could have done more.
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Old May 29th 2017, 9:35 pm
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Default Re: Been here 4 months and strugglinh

I'm doing the best I can, hopefully that's good enough
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Old May 30th 2017, 12:18 am
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Default Re: Been here 4 months and strugglinh

I sympathize with you. We have a 12 yo son and younger daughter. We had a make or break moment around 5 months in. School issues, general unhappiness amongst all 4 of us. We decided to move area and school and give it another chance. Things are better now. Bullying is a thing here unfortunately. I haven't figured how to deal with it yet, maybe getting the families together might help and taking it outside the context of school?
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Old May 30th 2017, 12:58 am
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Default Re: Been here 4 months and strugglinh

Hi Munchkjn


Thanks for your reply. I have mentioned to my son about moving school, so that is potentially an option. I hear a lot about bullying, and I don't understand why it seems to be so accepted here. It's also apparent in the workplace!


I'm sure NZ has some great qualities, we just need to give it time to find and experience them, but ultimately it doesn't matter how beautiful a country is, if you're unhappy then it makes no difference.


How long have you been in NZ Munchkjn?
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Old May 30th 2017, 1:43 am
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Default Re: Been here 4 months and strugglinh

We've been here just over 9 months, so not at all long. We are still in the settling-in phase.. Good bits so far have been:
Feeling of freedom and space; clear skies at night; the quiet, we can hear the sea from our house; bigger houses compared to the boxes we call houses in UK; sunny sun when it shines is somehow warmer than in UK; food is generally pretty good; air quality; schools offer a more rounded education than UK; some super friendly people; work offers opportunity for advancement if you want it; facilities like libraries, swimming pools, schools are modern, clean and well looked after.

Not so good bits: drivers are selfish and lack awareness; cold, damp houses are normal; sun is too strong, so constantly applying cream; food can be expensive if not careful; academically, schools aren't so hot; courtesy seems like it is in short supply; finding work isn't easy unless you are in demand.

Overall though, I'm finding life here is different but not much better or worse as yet. Having said that, I suspect when I go back to the UK I'll find it difficult to adapt back to the old ways.
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Old May 30th 2017, 3:21 am
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Default Re: Been here 4 months and strugglinh

Hi Munchkjn


Sounds like you're weighing up the good and bad quite well. Not sure what line of work you're in, my job is very stressful with poor management, so constantly looking around for other opportunities.


I know what you mean about the drivers, they look quite shocked when I wave them out, it's quite amusing!


At the moment, life for us was better in the UK in a lot of ways, though as I say I'm trying to give it time, but convincing my son to do the same is proving difficult and upsetting.
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Old May 30th 2017, 3:45 am
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Default Re: Been here 4 months and strugglinh

Originally Posted by MAZ-10 View Post
Not sure what line of work you're in, my job is very stressful with poor management, so constantly looking around for other opportunities.
Engineering. I found something similar to start with. However now I think it's something to do with the fact kids here are taught to be self reliant and self-starters and I think it follows through to adulthood. So to succeed here, you need to be quite driven and find your niche and get on with it. This is in contrast to the UK where we are managed tightly and we all know our place. The British work place is more structured I think and when you are used to that structure, it's really hard to work in an environment without it. That's what we see as poor management, but is actually just different. People manage themselves here and just get on with things. "if you see the ball, just pick it up and run with it" I've heard that a few times, since I've been here.


Originally Posted by MAZ-10 View Post
At the moment, life for us was better in the UK in a lot of ways, though as I say I'm trying to give it time, but convincing my son to do the same is proving difficult and upsetting.
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Old May 30th 2017, 3:58 am
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Default Re: Been here 4 months and strugglinh

I work in addictions, which is great but stressful. I'm used to working for different managers who have given me the autonomy to manage my day, time and workload, however here bullying, toxic and bad behaviour is swept under the carpet and not addressed, this is certainly not what I'm used to working with. The management I've experienced change the goal posts constantly and nothing follows from one day to the next, either that or the manager just doesn't speak at all, not even 'hello'. I find the clients are easier to work with than the managers at the moment.


Anyway, I digress, my concern lies with my son. I really appreciate all your feedback and know I need to encourage him as much as I can and hope we embrace this different lifestyle.
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