netherlandsexpat

The last thing I wanted as a 14 yo would have been to spend more time with my mother! And that is simply the natural order of things for a teenager.

If he is feeling down due to bullying, then being babied around I think will make him feel even more powerless (and dare I say, emasculated, or perhaps unempowered is a better word). I say this as someone who was that same age when my parents moved countries and experienced something similar.

He is a lucky lad but he doesn't know it just yet, what wouldn't many young people all over the world give to be in New Zealand? backpacking or whatever?

Has he seen the Lord of the Rings movies?

Also, you say it's temporary (but even it if wasn't) are you treating it like an adventure? Do you go exploring in the weekend? Are there other groups he can join so he knows the kids at school are not the only 'world'?

Empower him by giving a weekly or biweeekly choice of some nearby destination to explore?

Edited to add: I now read the entire thread, and given that there appears to be a negative atmosphere in NZ (based not only on this thread, but many other experiences I've heard about) I would say cut your losses short. This is a sensitive area for me because I have been in The Netherlands 5 years now and finally able to leave this year - and to me at least, it is also a very negative country - generally speaking greedy, envious, bitter, bullying people with HIGH suicide (and euthanasia) rates.

NL is sold as a social progressive paradise, it is not imo. And I know NZ is similarly sold as paradise.

The UK (lived there for a year and visit frequently) may not be perfect, but it is one of the great countries of the world, amazing spirit! Watched the One Love Manchester concert last night and was really moved.

scrubbedexpat142

Another country that has struggled to come to terms with the loss of Empire.

garethwm

I dont believe there is anything wrong with responding to the statement, bullying IS NZ, by saying you have been here x amount of years and have never been bullied. Surely we dont want to scare people thinking of moving here by telling them they WILL be bullied if they move here. The chances are they wont be bullied. Its not denial. Its the facts as I see it.

bourbon-biscuit

I get the impression you feel it might be better to just encourage him to man up. You clearly are basing this on solely your gut instinct of what you feel masculinity equates with (being independent, not seeking or offering support) and not at all on having an understanding of the psychological experience of bullying or of being a young person. Trouble is, that way of thinking is directly implicated in high suicide stats among men. Hopefully the OP will entirely ignore you.

I think that's a fair point. I guess it's in how and why it's stated that matters. When someone says they have no experience of bullying and then contemplates that perhaps that's because the "whingers" live elsewhere to them, then it's less a statement of fact/ probability and more seizing an opportunity to make a stealth dig via victim blaming. See the posts below - first one is judgement (and will seem more so if you have experienced bullying), second is informative.

netherlandsexpat

I mentioned emasculated OR unempowered, alternative options. I never said he needs to 'man up'.

And, implying the OP should become a stay-at-home mom to address the situation is incredibly disrespectful and insensitive, but also non-sensical. Moreover, he would be at school when she would be 'at home', so what is the point?

Neither example I gave - joining clubs external to the school or going exploring in the weekend say 'man up'. This IS providing support, hence where t.h. did you get that I said he shouldn't seek support?

And if feelings of emasculation are directly related to suicide, all the more reason to handle this very sensitively and as inconspicuously as possible. ((Unlike your gross mis-assumption (what's that phrase when you assume you make an a$$ ) I have been bullied as a teenager. )) Telling him I'm going to quit my job is not the sensitive and inconspicuous way to go. It will only, again, make him the focus of negative attention, how do you think he will feel, oh my mom had to quit my job because of me?

Hopefully the OP entirely ignores you

Woodlea

Oh BB - I do have experience of bullying - just not in NZ (apart from in this forum of course!!). I lived in Scotland for 15 years and know all about the experience that BEVS husband suffered here having suffered similar as an Englishman in Scotland, but not in NZ (apart from in this forum of course!!)

How judgemental of you to assume that I had no experience of bullying!

It is amazing how you deny and denigrate other people's experiences when they don't conform to yours. Your signature should really read "So young, and yet so arrogant"!

bourbon-biscuit

I honestly have no idea what you're talking about. I had to go back and check whether someone had written a post in my account: I certainly neither suggested or implied the poster should give up their career and become a stay-at-home parent! I didn't suggest or imply it because it would be utter nonsense as advice; furthermore, as far as I am aware there is no relationship between the occupation of mother and the child's likelihood of experiencing bullying. Genuinely lost as to the point of your rant here Have you mixed up threads?

As for the first bit of your post I have quoted above, I was responding to your assertion that "The last thing I wanted as a 14 yo would have been to spend more time with my mother! And that is simply the natural order of things for a teenager. If he is feeling down due to bullying, then being babied around I think will make him feel even more powerless (and dare I say, emasculated, or perhaps unempowered is a better word)."

You state that spending more time with his mother is both unnatural and tantamount to "being babied" and could make him feel more powerless or emasculated or unempowered. I know lots of 14 year old young people - boys and girls - and lots of them enjoy spending time with their parents, certainly more so than when I was a kid, but I think the parent-child relationship has changed with changing times and some of it's certainly for the better. None of them are 'babied' as a result of enjoying the company of their parents.

bourbon-biscuit

I assumed you hadn't experienced bullying in NZ because you said you hadn't. How stupid of me.
My point was that on a thread where someone has posted and expressed concern about the experiences their kid is having and others sympathise that that's what they have gone through too, it's not exactly helpful to say that it hasn't been an issue for you and yours and perhaps it's something to do with the whingers on the NI. Deny and denigrate are nice sounding accusations (I'm a sucker for a bit of alliteration too) but they really apply more to your post re bullying than mine.

BTW, the so young/ wise thing is an old forum joke that was made by someone yonks ago. If it helps, I'm not really either - that's the joke. Possibly a bit old now, so I ought to go and change them: thanks for the reminder!

bourbon-biscuit

OP, it's been a week since you posted. How are things?

wakwak

Hey Maz 10, Hubby, Kids, Dogs and I have been here since Feb and had a pretty rough start. It's not easy and I'm sorry you are feeling so down and are having issues with your Son. It's a hard age at 14 especially moving to a new country.
If you want someone to have a whinge too I'm happy to lend an ear, just PM me and I'll send you my mobile number. We've met some fab people through this forum, and also connected with people on FB, there's always someone who knows someone who's moved here - it might help you start connecting with other families on the area, hopefully with kids of a similar age!
We are in the North, on the coast, we love it.
Don't get me wrong we struggled to start - cost of living, me finding work, kids settling badly and missing grandparents and aunties, the crap weather. We found ourselves in Edgecumbe caught up in the floods and evacuations. It hasn't been easy but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Happy to share our story with you offline and offer a shoulder if you need one
Sarah

Mishclark

I am Australian who was married to a Kiwi who I met in Oz and we lived between Australia and NZ..

I agree, over there I always saw so much on NZ having a dig at Australia but here in Australia they really don't rate a mention much, unless the Warriors are playing!

I hadn't experienced bullying as I was working for myself, and my kids loved their school (and didn't want to go back to Oz) but my husband's cousin was a lovely person but his wife had a thing about bringing people down a peg or two and was a bit funny about Australia and Australians, which I couldn't have cared less about as we weren't close.

Kiwi's I have met in Oz have been lovely.

I still love NZ though.

I think I have made no sense at all..Hope all sorts out for you soon, Maz, I do feel for you x

Michelle

LittleGreyCat

Just to note that the "man up" culture was much more prevalent in the UK in the '50s and '60s and this has changed over the years and now there is an enormous amount of support against bullying in schools and the work place.

One of the attractions of NZ in the past has been that "it is 20 years behind the UK" however that is not always a good thing.

Possibly things will go the same way in NZ as more people recognise the problem.

As with all things, the reaction to a problem can often swing too far in the other direction; for example in the UK the teaching profession are now claiming that they are effectively being bullied by children and parents exploiting the very strict rules about when and how any form of discipline can be applied. Not advocating the return to regular floggings, of course, just to a bit of balance when the pendulum swings a bit too far in the other direction.

sr71

We've just moved this year with a 12yo and a 6yo, at the schools they are at bullying appears to be non-existent. Our two sons have flourished socially, academically and in sports. Maybe that's because of living in Auckland where it's more multicultural and parents more 'white collar'

Probably not a lot you can do about him missing friends, that's very natural and takes time. Just keep him occupied as much as possible and get involved with as many activities as he can.

I think NZ'ers are quite reserved about friends and it takes time to be accepted.

jayandbill

I think we forget that UK is as diverse as NZ, in climate, population density and population ethnicity but we speak about them as though each country is the same from top to bottom. If you find the right place in either country you can be happy. I could live in a quiet town in the southern counties of England but not in a city. Neither could I live in Auckland or the far south of the South island, beautiful as it is. As immigrants we've been led to believe that NZ is paradise. It's been said to me on more than one occasion "It's the price you pay for Paradise" but it isn't paradise and it's changing.
As for teenagers settling down here, perhaps the only way is to ride it out, give it a year and hope for the best, but it's a hard one. 4 months isn't long. Some teens settle and some never do. I hope it works out for all though.

sr71

That's a really good post that many people overlook. Even though NZ is a small country (population wise) the lifestyle and culture varies immensely depending on where you live. Even different suburbs can make a huge difference in places like Auckland. (e.g. North Shore vs Titirangi vs Pakuranga)