Any regrets?

Old Feb 1st 2017, 6:06 am
  #46  
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Default Re: Any regrets?

Originally Posted by Assanah
Are you prepared to accept that you will not feature in any of your children's thoughts once they start to have their own family and move to where ever they want and do whatever they want?
Totally! 100%. I will encourage my children to strike out on their own, travel and settle whereever they see fit. I do not feel I have any right over my kids, whatsoever. I am purely someone who looks after them until such time as they can look after themselves.

I have always encouraged my kids to make their own choices about many things, I want them to be independent. I do not want them to feel tied to me in any way whatsoever. And I do not want them curtailing any move abroad cos their dad is old or whatever.

I do not expect to be looked after by my kids. They have their own lives to live. I am responsible, wholly for myself as an adult. Until I become senile, then it is the state's problem, apparently. Not my kids problem.

Where ever my kids go they will have my support, always. Of course I will miss them, that is only natural.
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Old Feb 1st 2017, 3:33 pm
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Default Re: Any regrets?

Originally Posted by Kotare
This sounds fairly normal for kids whatever country you live in :-)
Just a bit of cultural bias there, Kotare! For the majority of the world this isn't the norm at all. It's not even the norm for an awful lots of families living in Western countries. Its one way but it's not superior nor the norm.
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Old Feb 1st 2017, 3:43 pm
  #48  
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Default Re: Any regrets?

Originally Posted by bourbon-biscuit
Just a bit of cultural bias there, Kotare! For the majority of the world this isn't the norm at all. It's not even the norm for an awful lots of families living in Western countries. Its one way but it's not superior nor the norm.
No one said it is superior, but increasingly the norm in western societies which is why the rapidly increasing number of lonely and/or unsupported older people. The days of people growing up and remaining in one geographical area is gradually disappearing (this applies to places like China as well where the children may have disappeared into the cities leaving parents in a rural backwater).

I am delighted my children are not emotionally or financially dependant on me (or vice versa) but agree that it is totally down to choice.
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Old Feb 1st 2017, 3:46 pm
  #49  
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Default Re: Any regrets?

Originally Posted by Kotare
No one said it is superior, but increasingly the norm in western societies which is why the rapidly increasing number of lonely and/or unsupported older people. The days of people growing up and remaining in one geographical area is gradually disappearing (this applies to places like China as well where the children may have disappeared into the cities leaving parents in a rural backwater).

I am delighted my children are not emotionally or financially dependant on me (or vice versa) but agree that it is totally down to choice.
About a fifth of China's children (>60million) live in rural areas while their parents have migrated to the cities for work. A much bigger problem.
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Old Feb 1st 2017, 9:24 pm
  #50  
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Default Re: Any regrets?

Originally Posted by Genesis
Totally! 100%. I will encourage my children to strike out on their own, travel and settle whereever they see fit. I do not feel I have any right over my kids, whatsoever. I am purely someone who looks after them until such time as they can look after themselves.

I have always encouraged my kids to make their own choices about many things, I want them to be independent. I do not want them to feel tied to me in any way whatsoever. And I do not want them curtailing any move abroad cos their dad is old or whatever.

I do not expect to be looked after by my kids. They have their own lives to live. I am responsible, wholly for myself as an adult. Until I become senile, then it is the state's problem, apparently. Not my kids problem.

Where ever my kids go they will have my support, always. Of course I will miss them, that is only natural.
You know, it can also be an independent choice of kids to live near their parents, and take care of them. That doesn't mean that their are not independent adults. It just means that they put human relationships before scenery and other material things. Very smart in my view. Took me a while to arrive at this point. However, I agree with you that children are not servants to their parents and need to make their own choices no matter what.
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Old Feb 2nd 2017, 7:10 am
  #51  
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Default Re: Any regrets?

Originally Posted by Assanah
You know, it can also be an independent choice of kids to live near their parents, and take care of them. That doesn't mean that their are not independent adults. It just means that they put human relationships before scenery and other material things. Very smart in my view. Took me a while to arrive at this point. However, I agree with you that children are not servants to their parents and need to make their own choices no matter what.
Free choice. Indeed, the very corner stone of a democracy. Totally agree with you and your comments about children having independence whilst still caring for aged parents locally. I just do not expect it or frankly want it, unless my kids ACTUALLY WANT to be local to me. I would hate to ever find out my kids had not done 'their thing', just to be close to me in case I needed help. They must lead their lives as they see fit, where ever on the globe that may be. I am responsible for myself (along with the state if I become infirm, maybe, if the welfare service is still going), they only have a responsibility for living their lives the way they want. They have no responsibility for me and they owe me nothing.
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Old Feb 2nd 2017, 7:14 am
  #52  
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Default Re: Any regrets?

Originally Posted by Genesis
Free choice. Indeed, the very corner stone of a democracy. Totally agree with you and your comments about children having independence whilst still caring for aged parents locally. I just do not expect it or frankly want it, unless my kids ACTUALLY WANT to be local to me. I would hate to ever find out my kids had not done 'their thing', just to be close to me in case I needed help. They must lead their lives as they see fit, where ever on the globe that may be. I am responsible for myself (along with the state if I become infirm, maybe, if the welfare service is still going), they only have a responsibility for living their lives the way they want. They have no responsibility for me and they owe me nothing.
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Old Feb 2nd 2017, 11:58 pm
  #53  
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Default Re: Any regrets?

In the end of life, it is more than nice to have ones children around, to be with loved ones. And it is also good for the peace of mind of the child to be there for the dying parent to offer the final deed of love and say thank you and goodbye. I am more than happy that I returned home for this. I think that not being there for a parent can burden a child for the rest of his life.


I am sorry to say but I don't think that it is that easy to abandon family - of course if you had shitty parents that is something altogether. If you move to the end of the world let your parents be in your consideration as well. There is nothing wrong with thinking about people that are close to you. Doesn't mean that one shouldn't move to NZ but one should move with open eyes, and that means also to consider people close to you and the impact your move will have on them.

Last edited by Assanah; Feb 3rd 2017 at 12:10 am.
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Old Feb 3rd 2017, 6:14 pm
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Default Re: Any regrets?

We recently moved to New Zealand (I lived in London for the last 10 years and my husband and young children are all English) I thought we would really take a while to settle in here even though my family are here I never thought we would actually leave England as it was 'home' once we had kids in the picture. Anyway we are really truest loving it but there are constant little Day to day annoyances like "no next day delivery" for anything...the price of food in supermarkets! Apart from odd bits like that we are so happy we made the move! <snip>

<snip>

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Old Feb 4th 2017, 11:10 am
  #55  
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Default Re: Any regrets?

Originally Posted by Genesis
Totally! 100%. I will encourage my children to strike out on their own, travel and settle whereever they see fit. I do not feel I have any right over my kids, whatsoever. I am purely someone who looks after them until such time as they can look after themselves.

I have always encouraged my kids to make their own choices about many things, I want them to be independent. I do not want them to feel tied to me in any way whatsoever. And I do not want them curtailing any move abroad cos their dad is old or whatever.

I do not expect to be looked after by my kids. They have their own lives to live. I am responsible, wholly for myself as an adult. Until I become senile, then it is the state's problem, apparently. Not my kids problem.

Where ever my kids go they will have my support, always. Of course I will miss them, that is only natural.
I can't give you any more Karma Genesis as I've apparently given you too much, but I couldn't like this post more..this is exactly how I am and exactly how my parents are with me, still at my age!
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Old Feb 4th 2017, 12:25 pm
  #56  
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Default Re: Any regrets?

Originally Posted by Mishclark
I can't give you any more Karma Genesis as I've apparently given you too much, but I couldn't like this post more..this is exactly how I am and exactly how my parents are with me, still at my age!
Why, thank you for your kind words and karma Michelle! Alas my mother accused me of 'deserting the family' when I left!!

I do feel some parents feel they have some right over their children. I like to have a more bean baggy view that I am merely a custodian for them until they can manage for themselves. Along that journey independence and decision making skills grow and they become totally their own people. My son said to me at 7 years he did not believe in god and thus felt like he should leave the catholic school he was at. It was one of my proudest fatherly moments, my child making such choices and decisions at a young age. I wish you well, warm regards, Dominic.

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Old Feb 4th 2017, 4:13 pm
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Default Re: Any regrets?

Originally Posted by Genesis
Why, thank you for your kind words and karma Michelle! Alas my mother accused me of 'deserting the family' when I left!!

I do feel some parents feel they have some right over their children. I like to have a more bean baggy view that I am merely a custodian for them until they can manage for themselves. Along that journey independence and decision making skills grow and they become totally their own people. My son said to me at 7 years he did not believe in god and thus felt like he should leave the catholic school he was at. It was one of my proudest fatherly moments, my child making such choices and decisions at a young age. I wish you well, warm regards, Dominic.
Thanks so much!

My mother is all behind us going back to Nz, she tells me life is too short (I full well know this, lost my partner nearly 5 years ago)....I suspect it's because she wants to come visit again!
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Old Feb 6th 2017, 2:35 pm
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Default Re: Any regrets?

Originally Posted by Assanah
If you move to the end of the world let your parents be in your consideration as well. There is nothing wrong with thinking about people that are close to you. Doesn't mean that one shouldn't move to NZ but one should move with open eyes, and that means also to consider people close to you and the impact your move will have on them.
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Old Feb 6th 2017, 4:23 pm
  #59  
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Default Re: Any regrets?

Originally Posted by Assanah
There is nothing wrong with thinking about people that are close to you. Doesn't mean that one shouldn't move to NZ but one should move with open eyes, and that means also to consider people close to you and the impact your move will have on them.
Of course, but after all the consideration is still a binary decision to emigrate to NZ or not (with all its distance, means of keeping in touch etc), you cant just emigrate "a little bit".
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Old Feb 27th 2017, 7:07 pm
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I have found this thread really interesting and helpful. I have only been here a few months as I insisted we do a trial before emigrating. My fiance is a kiwi and we have 2 small children and a third on the way. NZ is undoubtedly stunning and maybe the children have a bit more freedom to play, but I really can't wait to go home. I'm actually quite surprised as I thought I'd want to stay forever but I really don't. I really miss the UK, family and friends, the history and culture. Plus it's extortionate here for food and furniture. The house all seem like holiday homes and it's impossible to feel cosy. It's such a hard decision as I know my partner is happy here. I don't want my kids to forget their Grandparents and cousins and I want them to grow up English. So Ive convinced him to move back to the UK in May...For now.
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