lianneclark

Hi there, I just wanted to see if anyone else has had or is going through the same experience as me ( i doubt it very much tho) In september of 2008 I moved from ireland to new zealand with my husband who is a kiwi and my 2 young boys (then 1 & 3) I left behind my mother and brother along with his wife and 2 kids. (and lots of friends) My mother was so broken hearted that my time spent in nz was miserable most of the time. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I came back and now i'm miserable cause i know I made a mistake - there are no jobs here and i'm heading to see a counsellor in the morning to sort my head out. I'm so upset at my bad choice and regret moving to make my mother happy. Has anyone out there got any advise. My husband wants to go back and i'm thinking seriously about it. Have I lost my marbles? Can i ever be happy in new zealand knowing my mother would be even more miserable that i'm off a 2nd time and probably never going to come back! HELP!!!

mabozar

You can't live your life for your mum!

She is being very selfish if you ask me.

Think of your own family it's your time now.

Carol

Margaret Parkinson

I agree we were sad to see our daughter and family move to NZ but when we see how happy they are we are glad for them.

We look forward to our visits and see how good their life is. As Gail (our daughter) says its not better than the UK its different and that's what makes it better. You have do what's best for your family as I am sure your Mother did.

Mgee

I must agree that your mum is being very selfish. You cannot be the one responsible of her happiness, it is her own responsibility. Your first and foremost responsibilities lie with your own family: your hubby and your boys. Don't let loyalty towards your mum jeopardise the happiness of your own family. If you feel that NZ was the right choice for you, then you must move back.

I too feel sometimes bad about planning to move away, especially because my sister lives abroad as well. But she could easily live for another 25 years, and I cannot let love and loyalty towards her stop me doing the things I want. If I did, I would be 60 myself before I could start finally living my own life.

I could somehow symphatise with your mum better if she was completely alone. But you said your brother and his family live in Ireland, so she has someone to take care of her if need be.

How did you keep in contact? Was it always you who had to call her? Did she ever call you? Make her partly responsible of the communication: don't make yourself the only one responsible for your contact. If she sits by the phone waiting for you to call while you are busy with your daily life, she will feel lonely and left out. How about agreeing that you will phone her every Sunday at a certain time? Then she'll have something to wait for and she'll know that she will hear from you again next week.

There are lots of things you can do to help her to stay in touch: buy her a cheap computer and teach her to use Skype, write a blog about your life she can read, send her letters with the kids' drawings in them every month etc. etc. Plan visits so that you go back for a visit every second year and she comes over every second year. You can send her local magazines (at least they are in a familiar language!), photos of your life's highlights in NZ etc. so the she can get a feel what your life is like in NZ. Make your brother enroll her in a senior's web course etc. etc.

I don't know how old you mum is, but older people sometimes also don't quite realise just how much smaller the world has become: in their youth, moving to another European country was already moving to a completely different world. You need to remind her that the journey to NZ no longer takes weeks and if need be, you can be in Ireland in a matter of days.

Did she ever visit you in NZ? If not, she might not have realised that you were really living your life there and that you were happy and that things in general were fine with your family. If she never came over, she could more easily want you back "home" because she didn't realise your real home was in NZ. She should see your everyday life there so that she realises that you are living a normal, happy life there.

My mum, after 4 years, still has an attitude that my sister, 32 years, is just on her teenage interrail trip or overseas experience and that she will soon come back. My sister has done nothing to make her think that way: she has changed jobs, been unemployed, had a boyfriend, learnt a new language. She is very much settled in and has no plans of moving back. It is simply my mum's refusal to believe that for one reason or another, her child has chosen to live abroad. My mum does not need her here (she's under 60, works full time and rarely phones even me and I live in the same city!), it is just because she herself wouldn't have the guts to move abroad that she cannot believe that anyone could be truly happy living abroad. Sometimes people project their own fears on others. Is you mum somehow worried about your survival or living conditions in NZ or is it really just about loneliness? Or is it more about that she doesn't know enough about the country and that makes her to fear for your safety or happiness?

And may I just say that you were away such a short time that she didn't even have time to adjust to the situation. The first months of every separation are the harderst, then you get used to the fact that the person dear to you lives abroad and that you now communicate a bit differently. The bond between you does not disappear, it just changes its form.

You need to really talk with your mum about the reasons why she feels that you cannot go and live with your own family in a country that you feel is the best for you. And if you decide to move back to NZ, make solid plans that she will come and visit you after 6 months or so: that's not too long a time to wait and she'll be able to see your reality in NZ and that you really like it there.

All the best and good luck, whatever you decide to do!

Jan n Neil

If your mother wants a better future for you and your kids she wouldnt be puting pressure on you, i know that sounds harsh but am assuming she is retired (almost) so can visit any time

neil

hokeypokey

Hi there - I have to say I also think you're mum is being a bit selfish. You cannot be responsible for her feelings - believe me it has taken me a long time to realise that the hard way! I am due to head off to NZ within next couple of months and I know my mum is going to be pretty upset. How do i know? Well becuase my brother emigrated to NZ with his wife & 2 kids 4 years ago and she was totally gutted - it was like a bereavement in alot of ways. But she got through it (with a little help from me and other family members!) She is now giving me the same "whatever makes you happy makes me happy speech that she gave my brother before he left". I don't believe a word of it - I know she would much rather I stayed exactly where I was instead of moving to the other side of the world but she would never in a million years say that to me! She wants, as any parent should want, whats best for their child. I still feel helluva guilty but I cant stay here just to make her happy - I dont want to have any regrets when I'm old and wrinkly that I didnt pursue my dream when i had the chance. Also if I didnt go i would prob end up divorced or in a long distance relationship as my hubby cannot wait to get to NZ!

Seriously though, nobody can tell you whats best - you need to decide whats best for you and your family and stop worrying about other folks. Maybe sounds harsh but only my opinion.

All the best with your decision.

lianneclark

hi yes it is time to put my family first, thank you

lianneclark

hi hokeypokey, thanks for that - I totally agree, I dont want to be old and have a life full of regrets. If i'm honest, I did struggle a bit with the fact that my mother was not getting to see my children learn new things and was a bit upset that they were learning maori and not gealic in kindy. Moving back to ireland was a rash choice now I can see it all clearly. I didn't give it enough time and should have stayed longer. It just feels like a bit of a mess as we have alot of organising to do again and I feel so guilty moving the kids around so much. But if we were to stay in ireland the prospects here are very grim so i'm going to have to grap the bull by the horns and face the facts. Thanks so much for your input, its much appreciated.

lianneclark

Hi neil, yes she is retired (just this year) so she can get time away when she needs to. She has no idea that I feel it was a mistake moving back so once I sort my head out i'll find the best way to tell her how it really is. Thanks for your imput.

lianneclark

Hi mgee, thanks for the reply. It has certainly made me feel alot better about how i'm feeling. In response to your questions about contact, i would phone her 3 times a week (cause it was only $2.00 for a one hour phonecall) so it was alot cheaper for me to do that. I did send photos and dvd's of the kids. She is not one for computers but a few times she would go to my brothers house and see us on msn video. It didn't help that I had neighbours and family telling me she was a broken woman and it was in general very hard to deal with but like I said, i'm now the one that has the worry of my kids future and our own here in ireland. We have been back 5 weeks now and we have applied for over 200 jobs most of which we are not even suited to but there really is not much happening on that front. We have had 5-10 replies saying no sorry but we will keep you on file. I know now that nz is the best place for us. I'm going to see a counsellor to try and deal with this detachment from my mother, I had no idea that i would have felt this bad about it all but my prospects in irealand are very bad from where i'm standing. The main thing for my mother was the grandchildren - her first born grandchild, my 4 year old, is like the son (well she does have a son)she always wanted and she found it very hard being away from him. As he did from her. She often told me to be so careful when i'm out incase he got kid-napped. I guess she just loves him very much, its clear to see he is the favourite. I totally agree with you about the not being away long enough, i could kick myself for not trying harder and giving it longer as i'm sure it would have got easier.

I will be sorting it all out in my head and then addressing it with her very soon. Are you in the process of moving to nz? Thank you so much for your advise, your a good person!
Lianne

lianneclark

hi there, thats a really lovely way to think of it. Once i talk to my mam she will have to see that moving back is the only way forward.

Genesis

Hi there. Its a HUGE shame that you returned home because of your mother's feelings..I do feel for you. Its your life and you must lead it as you chose. Get yourself back to NZ and get on with the life YOU want..YOUR immediate family come 1st (that's hubby and kids) everyone and everything else is a big 2nd. No you are not mad you mad a mistake. I have made waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay bigger than yours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hope to hear you return to NZ forthwith. Explain to your mum as best you can you need to do this for yourself and your kids and husband. Good luck.

lianneclark

hi, yes its a massive shame, as we had quite a nice lifestyle there, I panicked and saw that house prices were dropping fast in ireland and thought it was best to do it now rather than later without really thinking about it. I should have just come back on a holiday but shoulda woulda coulda aye? I'm learning fast from my mistakes for sure. I will hopefully be back on track soon. Its nice to know i'm not the only one making mistakes, thank you.

Perry Groves

you got to live your life

MnB

hi there, loads of sound advice already given, just wanted to say good luck and lol, you are not going mad .... just being a daughter!
take care
Bx