Blade Down Under

I hope you don't mind me writing this, but it helps ease the pain I went through 9 years ago today, on my commute from St Albans to Canary Wharf via London Kings Cross and Tower Hill

I had only moved into my new job early in the year so was all used to my long commute. It would usually take half an hour to get from St Albans to Kings Cross and then a 20-30 minute journey on the Circle Line to Tower Hill before getting the DLR to Canary Wharf. I usually did this route instead of going to Blackfriars because I hated Blackfriars station. Also if I had time, there was a fantastic French cafeteria in Kings Cross which did the best croissants and coffee in London. For 3 quid, this was the perfect start to the morning

So upon arriving, I had a morning meeting at 09:30 so I thought I'd best get to Canary Wharf quickly and was fortunate to get on the Circle Line tube that arrived within 2 minutes of me getting to the tube platform. Arriving at this time seemed to make the tubes less busy, you could always get good standing room on the Circle Line train, or the Metropolitan or Hammersmith and City. I always got the Circle since this would take me round to Tower Hill.

As I often did, I boarded on the 5th car of the train in the event I decide to get off at Liverpool Street (which I did if there were delays between Tower Hill and Earls Court). There wasn't any delay mind today so the tube pulled into Liverpool Street station and I stay where I was. I remember this young girl boarding, around my age at the time. I always offered my seat to ladies but this young girl rejected my offer. 30 seconds later, this would be the defying moment that keeps me alive and she unfortunately perishes.

To the right of me, throughout most of the journey, there was this middle eastern man - saying some prayers. It was quite unusual for a man to be praying at this time but I thought nothing of it. I would say moments after the train moved from Liverpool Street - bang! I lost consciousness and was out. The only thing I do remember was seeing all my childhood and remembering the young life I had growing up on the cold streets of Sheffield.

It must have been around 20 minutes later did I woke in a dazed confused state of mind. I remember seeing dead and injured bodies, emergency services and survivors helping out. There were these two gentleman who I owe a lot to called Melvyn and Bruce, who kept coming to check on me whilst attending two ladies. I am very grateful for their help but at the time, told them to focus on the ladies injured. Both suffered serious injuries as most of us did, but the ones standing took more of the blast than the ones seating. If I could have helped more, I would have. But unfortunately I was too injured to, so I couldn't really do anything apart from await help. Plus being in a confused dizzy state didn't help matters.

Well anyway the paramedics and fire service eventually got me out and I was rushed to hospital where I'd stay for a week in the end. My deep cuts were treated and I received a lot of blood since I did lose quite a fair bit. I had to be under observation due to the extent of the head injuries suffered which kept me in hospital for a week before getting discharged. The fun part came the counselling sessions, where I ended up spending most of my time getting round to that one deciding life moment. The moment the young lady rejected my offer of a seat. It still haunts me to this day

My work were brilliant and gave me 3 months off to recover from the event, which whilst helped - I never fully recovered. Upon returning, I changed my commute and remained on the train to Blackfriars, before getting the circle or district to Tower Gateway. A year later, they started the inquests but the coroner was kind to me when they saw I was still suffering psychologically from the event. I gave them a statement as to what happened and that's all I could do. I'm glad I did because I don't think I could ever look into the eye of the father of the girl who rejected my seat.

Anyway I accept 9 years on, I haven't fully recovered from the events of that day. I still have the odd nightmare of the seat moment. Being here and in Australia is helping though and I hope it continues to do so. However, those 7 people - Lee Baisden, Anne Moffat, Carrie Taylor, Richard Gray, Richard Ellery, Benedetta Ciaccia and Fiona Stevenson, not a day goes by where I wish you could still be alive today 9 years on. I would add to the list, all the other people that lost their lives that day.

After the event, I met Ken Livingstone who was the London Mayor at the time. Every year on this day, I'd get a telephone call from him asking how I am. Ken Livingstone was nothing but a superstar that day, and still is to this day. I believe he keeps in touch with all the survivors and victims, asking how they are. He's a very good man is Ken, a good laugh and easily approachable. I even had a visit from Tony Blair a couple of weeks after which was a shock. It's not often the British Prime Minister comes round to check how you are. I think he was like Ken and did that for every survivor/family victim.

I also took a visit to the local mosque in St Albans where I witnessed sadness. I wasn't allowed to go inside during prayer but the chief allowed me to reside in a room whilst that was going on, and then went in to speak to all the residents there. This moment helped me a lot, seeing these innocents hurt as to what happened. They were all so sorry yet they didn't need to be. One regret was not getting that on national news given the tension at the time, but I requested no media coverage as I needed to.

I always look back on this day as to the events of that Thursday morning. The moment I should not be here. Onwards life goes anyway and RIP to all those 52 victims as well as to those 4 bombers that took their own life for something they genuinely believed in.

BEVS

So do I. I hope strong healing continues for you even though you will never be quite the same person again.

To me it is an honour and a privilege that you have chosen to share the dreadful memories of the worst of times here with us.

I hope writing and sharing as you have on this day, has helped.


....and

You should & were meant to be here . You'll just have to trust me on that one.

In memory of this day, RIP all those that lost their lives . For those injured in mind and body, I simply wish them all -and you Blade Down Under - strength and continuing recovery.

Jerseygirl

Wow!! I cannot begin to imagine what a nightmare you have experienced.

I am pleased you have managed to start a new life Down Under. Us Sheffielders are made of strong stuff!!!

Lion in Winter

Don't normally post in here, but I noticed this. My respects for your strength and perseverance. There is zero blame attached to surviving - something my father had to come to grips with after losing many friends and companions to war. You will do good things with the rest of your life I am sure. I have not experienced anything like what you went through, but someone I knew very well was killed on PanAm 103 and it does leave you wondering about the randomness of these appalling acts.

All the best for your future.

scrubbedexpat097

Thanks for sharing.

You are a strong survivor with a new life. Live it to the fullest, you deserve it.

Siouxie

Words just can't express how much your post affected me.

My heart goes out to you - and to the other victims - and thank you so much for being brave enough to share your experience.

My sister narrowly escaped being involved, my nephew was involved but thankfully was not injured.

I concur that you were meant to be here... it wasn't your time.

Stay strong.

<<hugs>>

MrsFychan

I'm lost for words reading your post. Cannot imagine the hurt and pain you must of endured/endure. To live on in a positive way and keep the names of those that did not out in the public arena is one way that we can honour them.

Bless you

TommyLuck

Thanks for sharing this BDU. Powerful stuff.

I too haven't even come close to anything like this and can not for one moment 'understand' what you have and are still going through. But I read your words with a huge amount of respect for you and everyone involved on that fateful day.

The girl who didn't take your offer of seat is one of those snap decisions that can change many lives in an instant. Indeed, it's a reminder to us all to try and enjoy life because you never know how your next decision is going to turn out. No matter how innocuous you think the consequences might be. The outcome of her decision even defies logic, the chances of her demise based on that being so tiny.

I'm saddened to hear that this young lady's refusal continues to play in your mind and I do hope that one day you can come to terms with this and move on with respect to this and your continuing recovery.

All the best.

TL

Trixie_b

No words. But thinking of you and all the people who were affected, and continue to be.

Gozit

Wow... Just wow.. That's all I can say. I had to read your post a couple times to get the reference to the girl/seat, but I got it now. My thoughts are with you and i'm glad you have found yourself pulling away from the situation by emigrating.

garethwm

Im not sure whether forgive is the right word but I think it takes a special kind of person to consider how those at the mosque may be feeling despite what happened to you (falsely) in their name. A credit to you. May you one day find peace within yourself and for those who passed.

barnsleymat

Powerful post, fair play to you.

My mum was in Manchester when the IRA bomb went off and it took her years to get over it.

Sue

I can't for a moment imagine what you all went through that day, or the days since. My thoughts go out to all of you.

Pollyana

Thank you for sharing.
Stay strong, puts into perspective the little hassles most of us moan about.

Snap Shot

I'm so sorry this happened to you BDU.

I have no story. It's not like yours. It's not like those that died. It's not the posts in neat lines that are the memorials to those who died that is in a London park, probably Hyde Park. Their names on a plaque.

I'm glad you can't see me right now, I'm starting to cry.

It was just after 9am on 7th July 2005. My sister phoned to ask if Ray (my husband) was ok. I said he's fine, I was quizzical that my sister had phoned out of the blue in the morning to ask how he was. She asked if I'd seen the news. At that point I switched the t.v. on and saw the emergency services outside one of the tube stations.

I phoned Ray, deliberately at work, as he was in London, I wanted to know if he'd arrived. Lots didn't arrive at work that day. The horrors of the dead and charred bodies underground, unrescued for days on end, relatives desperate for news is with me to this day.

He travelled on the underground that day, like every other day, totally different tube lines from Woking to East Ham but the tube never the less. His boss couldn't really care less and insisted he arrive at work the next day as usual. I drove to Essex later that day on 7/7/05 to collect him from Hornchurch as that was about the only place he could get to meet me as the tube network was shut.

People had no choice but to travel on the tubes and buses in London the next day and all the days after. Just who is radicalising these young impressionable muslims ? Don't bother answering that. Tony Blair once commented on, 'the good name of Islam' which is probably true, but.......

My mum, very ill with cancer with less than 8 weeks to live was really worried about him and genuinely relieved that he was ok. The idea of the police coming to the house to ask for his toothbrush as part of the DNA i.d. made me feel terrified. How awful it must have been for the families of the victims. I have no sympathy for the murderers, none whatsoever.

Like I say, I have no story.