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3rd year in & unhappy - will this change?

3rd year in & unhappy - will this change?

Old Jan 31st 2020, 7:58 am
  #16  
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Default Re: 3rd year in & unhappy - will this change?

Reading this is like reading a post written by myself. I'm in almost the exact situation except I've only been here 1.5 years, I cant see it getting any better. I'm 25 and living in Taupo of all places...even fewer opportunities to meet people and do things, unless you're sporty (which I am not). Unfortunately my partner is going through his police training and wishes to complete it which means another 3 -4 years here. I've asked him if he will move to the UK after then and he says "maybe. I dont know how I'll feel in 3 years time" which makes it really hard.
I posted on here a few weeks ago and someone told me to give it until the end of the year and if I still feel the same, leave. That's what I've decided to do. I dont even feel like myself anymore and even if my partner agreed to move back to the UK in 3/4 years time I dont know if I can last that long. I am deeply unhappy here in every aspect aside from my relationship. We are engaged and due to get married next September so if I'm going to leave I need to decide sooner rather than later. It makes it even harder because it would mean leaving the person I planned to marry and have children with. Noone could have ever prepared me for how hard I would find it out here and how homesick I would be. And even though I've given myself this year to make a decision, it is still eating away at me everyday although I'm trying to be positive and make positive changes (in the way of putting myself out there to meet new people etc.).
I completely understand where you're coming from and how hard this is! Thought I'd reach out as reading your post made me feel better knowing someone is in the same situation as me (although I wouldn't wish it on anyone). I really hope everything works out the way you want it to and please keep the forum updated, would love to hear how it goes
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Old Feb 1st 2020, 7:20 am
  #17  
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Default Re: 3rd year in & unhappy - will this change?

Originally Posted by Daisyc172 View Post
Reading this is like reading a post written by myself. I'm in almost the exact situation except I've only been here 1.5 years, I cant see it getting any better. I'm 25 and living in Taupo of all places...even fewer opportunities to meet people and do things, unless you're sporty (which I am not). Unfortunately my partner is going through his police training and wishes to complete it which means another 3 -4 years here. I've asked him if he will move to the UK after then and he says "maybe. I dont know how I'll feel in 3 years time" which makes it really hard.
I posted on here a few weeks ago and someone told me to give it until the end of the year and if I still feel the same, leave. That's what I've decided to do. I dont even feel like myself anymore and even if my partner agreed to move back to the UK in 3/4 years time I dont know if I can last that long. I am deeply unhappy here in every aspect aside from my relationship. We are engaged and due to get married next September so if I'm going to leave I need to decide sooner rather than later. It makes it even harder because it would mean leaving the person I planned to marry and have children with. Noone could have ever prepared me for how hard I would find it out here and how homesick I would be. And even though I've given myself this year to make a decision, it is still eating away at me everyday although I'm trying to be positive and make positive changes (in the way of putting myself out there to meet new people etc.).
I completely understand where you're coming from and how hard this is! Thought I'd reach out as reading your post made me feel better knowing someone is in the same situation as me (although I wouldn't wish it on anyone). I really hope everything works out the way you want it to and please keep the forum updated, would love to hear how it goes
Why would he even consider moving to the uk when his police training is over. He won't be eligible to work as a cop in the UK and a move there would essentially end his career here before it's even started.
Open your eyes luv, no matter when you choose to go home you're gonna be boarding a flight on your own. All you have to do is decide when it's gonna be
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Old Feb 1st 2020, 7:31 am
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Default Re: 3rd year in & unhappy - will this change?

Originally Posted by Justcol View Post
Why would he even consider moving to the uk when his police training is over. He won't be eligible to work as a cop in the UK and a move there would essentially end his career here before it's even started.
Open your eyes luv, no matter when you choose to go home you're gonna be boarding a flight on your own. All you have to do is decide when it's gonna be
Super unhelpful comment! He could eventually be a police officer in the UK. What if he decides he doesn't actually enjoy the job?? Or decides that me and/or a potential family with me is more important than his career? Lots of possibilities. This website is supposed to be a supportive environment so please think before you type next time.
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Old Feb 2nd 2020, 4:24 am
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Default Re: 3rd year in & unhappy - will this change?

Originally Posted by Daisyc172 View Post
Super unhelpful comment! He could eventually be a police officer in the UK. What if he decides he doesn't actually enjoy the job?? Or decides that me and/or a potential family with me is more important than his career? Lots of possibilities. This website is supposed to be a supportive environment so please think before you type next time.
I think you need to wake up and smell the coffee luv.
But I hope it all works out for you
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Old Feb 2nd 2020, 8:49 pm
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Default Re: 3rd year in & unhappy - will this change?

Hi there,

Sorry to hear about your difficult situation. Here is my take on it.... life is very, very short. I think all of us, me included...(for many many years) put too much importance on a relationship and thus make decisions that are maybe not best for us because of the relationship (been there, done that).

Relationships are wonderful. Who does not want to be in one? I would like to be in one. But, I have reached the stage of my life, 61, where I have realised I can be happy and content out of a relationship. Sure I would like to be in one...but not if there was any unhappiness for me, from any perspective of the relationship. I do wish I could have embraced this ethos decades ago!!!

That said, we do all need to compromise when in a relationship. That is the norm. Nothing is perfect as is no one. So we compromise. But, we have to ask ourselves is that compromise a bridge too far and I AM actually unhappy in this relationship...for whatever reason?? It may be the wrong town, the wrong geographical location, the wrong hemisphere or whatever.

In précis, time marches on....one’s life passes by. I think it is incumbent upon us all to strive to be as happy as we can on a day to day basis. And if we are not happy sometimes we need to break some eggs to get that omelette made. Your ‘happy omelette’🤗.

Do what is right for you. If that means staying in Taupo to be with your chap, so be it. But be happy. If that does not make you happy you know what you need to do.

And I do not in any way underestimate the gravitas of your unfortunate situation. But sometimes for our own well being we need to make hard choices. I wish you all the very best.
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Old Feb 2nd 2020, 10:29 pm
  #21  
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Default Re: 3rd year in & unhappy - will this change?

Originally Posted by Genesis View Post
Hi there,

Sorry to hear about your difficult situation. Here is my take on it.... life is very, very short. I think all of us, me included...(for many many years) put too much importance on a relationship and thus make decisions that are maybe not best for us because of the relationship (been there, done that).

Relationships are wonderful. Who does not want to be in one? I would like to be in one. But, I have reached the stage of my life, 61, where I have realised I can be happy and content out of a relationship. Sure I would like to be in one...but not if there was any unhappiness for me, from any perspective of the relationship. I do wish I could have embraced this ethos decades ago!!!

That said, we do all need to compromise when in a relationship. That is the norm. Nothing is perfect as is no one. So we compromise. But, we have to ask ourselves is that compromise a bridge too far and I AM actually unhappy in this relationship...for whatever reason?? It may be the wrong town, the wrong geographical location, the wrong hemisphere or whatever.

In précis, time marches on....one’s life passes by. I think it is incumbent upon us all to strive to be as happy as we can on a day to day basis. And if we are not happy sometimes we need to break some eggs to get that omelette made. Your ‘happy omelette’🤗.

Do what is right for you. If that means staying in Taupo to be with your chap, so be it. But be happy. If that does not make you happy you know what you need to do.

And I do not in any way underestimate the gravitas of your unfortunate situation. But sometimes for our own well being we need to make hard choices. I wish you all the very best.
This is literally the best post I've seen in a long time, resonates very much.

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Old Feb 3rd 2020, 12:32 am
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Default Re: 3rd year in & unhappy - will this change?

A
Originally Posted by Mishclark View Post
This is literally the best post I've seen in a long time, resonates very much.

Can't give you Karma on my phone. .
Thank you for your kind words. I feel that I have spent way too much of my life in relationships where I compromised too much and having reached three score plus one years spinning round the Sun one gains a soupçon of wisdom....just a tad.

I do feel for both Daisy in Taupo and the OP, stuck betwixt a rock and a hard place as life sometimes leaves us. I do the ‘shite bucket happy bucket balance’. The latter is about the compromise I spoke of that we all have to do.

The trick with the SBHBB is to ensure the happy bucket outweighs the other. What is so, so important though is that we are honest with our findings and true to ourselves. Like 100%.

I have no wish to sound harsh...but partners always, pretty much, can be replaced. I have been on more than one occasion!!!! You only have to look at all of our friends, many who have new partners after relationships that we all thought were ‘forever’ ended!
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Old Feb 3rd 2020, 3:21 am
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Default Re: 3rd year in & unhappy - will this change?

Originally Posted by Genesis View Post
A

Thank you for your kind words. I feel that I have spent way too much of my life in relationships where I compromised too much and having reached three score plus one years spinning round the Sun one gains a soupçon of wisdom....just a tad.

I do feel for both Daisy in Taupo and the OP, stuck betwixt a rock and a hard place as life sometimes leaves us. I do the ‘shite bucket happy bucket balance’. The latter is about the compromise I spoke of that we all have to do.

The trick with the SBHBB is to ensure the happy bucket outweighs the other. What is so, so important though is that we are honest with our findings and true to ourselves. Like 100%.

I have no wish to sound harsh...but partners always, pretty much, can be replaced. I have been on more than one occasion!!!! You only have to look at all of our friends, many who have new partners after relationships that we all thought were ‘forever’ ended!
You're certainly not harsh at all Genesis, trust me I totally get every single word you have said..😊

Last edited by Mishclark; Feb 3rd 2020 at 3:22 am. Reason: Extra text
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Old Feb 3rd 2020, 3:28 am
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Default Re: 3rd year in & unhappy - will this change?

Originally Posted by Daisyc172 View Post
Reading this is like reading a post written by myself. I'm in almost the exact situation except I've only been here 1.5 years, I cant see it getting any better. I'm 25 and living in Taupo of all places...even fewer opportunities to meet people and do things, unless you're sporty (which I am not). Unfortunately my partner is going through his police training and wishes to complete it which means another 3 -4 years here. I've asked him if he will move to the UK after then and he says "maybe. I dont know how I'll feel in 3 years time" which makes it really hard.
I posted on here a few weeks ago and someone told me to give it until the end of the year and if I still feel the same, leave. That's what I've decided to do. I dont even feel like myself anymore and even if my partner agreed to move back to the UK in 3/4 years time I dont know if I can last that long. I am deeply unhappy here in every aspect aside from my relationship. We are engaged and due to get married next September so if I'm going to leave I need to decide sooner rather than later. It makes it even harder because it would mean leaving the person I planned to marry and have children with. Noone could have ever prepared me for how hard I would find it out here and how homesick I would be. And even though I've given myself this year to make a decision, it is still eating away at me everyday although I'm trying to be positive and make positive changes (in the way of putting myself out there to meet new people etc.).
I completely understand where you're coming from and how hard this is! Thought I'd reach out as reading your post made me feel better knowing someone is in the same situation as me (although I wouldn't wish it on anyone). I really hope everything works out the way you want it to and please keep the forum updated, would love to hear how it goes
You're onlya couple of years older than my oldest daughter, I really feel.for you. Best advice I can give as a mum is trust your gut. It's quite often a battle between the head, heart and gut, and it can be hard to know what to do. I've made plenty of doozies over the years. But I always tell my girls go with your gut instinct.


​​​​​​
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Old Feb 4th 2020, 12:02 am
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Default Re: 3rd year in & unhappy - will this change?

Originally Posted by Mishclark View Post
You're certainly not harsh at all Genesis, trust me I totally get every single word you have said..😊
And also the bucket analogy - brilliant, taking that one away with me, in case of future bucket use..
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Old Feb 11th 2020, 12:46 am
  #26  
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Default Re: 3rd year in & unhappy - will this change?

Northern Anon
I totally sympathise with your situation. Others here have answered your post with some excellent observations.
I can only tell you what it was like for me when I came here, 15 years ago.
But first I ought to say there are some big differences between us - age being one, and not having nor wanting kids.


When I walked down that walkway to the aircraft back in 2005 I knew then that I didn’t really want to be in NZ. In truth I was doing it for my partner.

My first week at work confirmed that I’d made the mistake of my lifetime. I’d gone from running my own company and making good money to being the ‘new boy’ and treated as so - and now with no money.

All the things I loved back home had gone.

Something that I’ll always remember was going to the hardware store to look for a new front door. The sales guy came up and asked if he could help and I said yeah, where are the front doors…..he looked at the ONE and only door on display and said there! Oh I could have cried for Wickes.

Anyway, if that wasn’t bad enough after two years we had a real brain fart and moved into a new place that was miles from anywhere, opened a business that stole all our money and then some and took us to the very edge of bankruptcy. I mean like we really had just a few dollars to our name, and that’s after turning up here with half a mill! All gone.

It tested our relationship to the max, and we survived. We clawed our way back up, moved again and are almost back where we started, only 15 years have past.

And this Christmas my partner said she wants out of our relationship!

SO, how does that compare with you?

Well you never know what’s around the corner and more often than not it’s likely to be a big truck without brakes.

Being a team is what it’s all about. I know for sure that had I been on my own back then …… well lets just say I might not be here now.

Being here is an adventure, that’s for sure. Expect it to be, then at least it’s not so much of a shock when the ‘adventure’ happens…….BUT most of all make it about you. If adventure and instability isn’t you then up sticks and head back home. One thing is for sure as I’ve just fund out, partners come and go, even after going through hell and high-water.

But the other thing you need to know, especially as you are still young, this is the land of adventure.
I’ve just made a career break that would be totally impossible in the UK, and the sole reason…..there are so few people here. Show a bit of (what we used to call) nonce and you’ll go places you thought impossible.

For you the UK is still fresh. My first 10 years was hard for me and If I’m truthful seeing as I’m a single man again I did think about going back….right up to the point where I’ve bought tickets…..and now, ringing people back home, telling them that I am coming, I realise that I’m so much out of touch with back home…..I’m going to be a tourist in my own birth country. That was upsetting, but I’m looking forward to it, and I’m also looking forward to coming back to take my new career forward.

Someone said trust your gut…….that’s the best advice on here so far.
Don’t discount returning, but don’t discount what a new life can bring you here.

(10 years ago I’d never have said that)

All the best and I hope you make the decision that makes you happy
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Old May 21st 2020, 12:35 pm
  #27  
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Default Re: 3rd year in & unhappy - will this change?

Originally Posted by northern_anon View Post
Hey everyone,

It's my 3rd year in NZ and I've experienced regular bouts of unhappiness and homesickness - there doesn't seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel and I'm wondering whether anyone else has experienced similar feelings? Just looking for some general advice on my situation and interested in whether anyone has overcome similar....

I moved here in 2017 to join my Kiwi partner. We met at work in London and he was coming to the end of his OE; ultimately he wanted to move back to be with his large extended family. I have never lived abroad before, but am very open minded so of course wanted to give it a go for the sake of the relationship. I'm originally from Manchester and have a large family spread all over the UK - despite the train rides we are all very close. The pull to go home is now unbearable but my partner doesn't want to go back to the UK, and in fact, he can't as we aren't married... I love him very much but I wonder whether I can mentally survive here and what my identity is now.

So what is wrong? Although we are very lucky and managed to buy a house in Auckland 2 years ago, I took a huge hit on salary and career when I moved here. I lost around 40k GBP a year and that has hurt me much more than I expected in terms of freedom of choice. I was often headhunted for roles in the UK, but here I'm left feeling like I graduated 10 years ago and have no valuable skills (which certainly isn't true). I just can't seem to break through the "lack of kiwi experience" barrier. I resent the high cost of living and backwards processes here. I worry about healthcare here and poor access to the same drugs and treatment as back home (lots of cancer in my family). I used to travel abroad every few months from the UK and loved exploring the world, we just can't afford to do that from here. I've had no visitors to NZ yet in the time that I've been here - family in the North of England will probably never have the disposable income to be able to visit. Many of them simply can't face the 24 hour + travel and that saddens me. I haven't met some of my nieces and nephews yet which also feels wrong. It's not enough to go back every two years. I'm not and never have been an "outdoorsy girl", and so get little joy from beaches, walks, scenery etc. I try to keep up with my UK hobbies here and have done things like join the Auckland film society, attend fashion week, go to painting classes...it all seems so behind the times and small scale. I really miss the rich culture of the UK and Europe. It sounds ridiculous, but the buildings, history, social scene, fashion, choices...they all give me such stimulation that missing all of it makes me feel increasingly trapped here. My partner simply doesn't understand that, and has expressed that I sound spoiled when I mention something as small as the architecture of a place. I hate the winters here. They're cold and without the hope and joy of the Christmas period. Although we've taken steps to heat our 1900's bungalow home, we are fast running out of savings which will get it up to the standard I am used to. I've made a few friends, mainly other Brits, many of them who are deciding to move home once they start a family. Friendships feel even more transient than in London which is shocking. I had a decent group of solid friends at home. Although some of my partners friends are lovely, I feel as though there is an unspoken dislike of Brits and I'm tired of the "toughen up" advice I receive when I'm honest about how I feel living here. I'm not sure what joy I do get out of being here. I don't understand what is so fabulous about it.

What is right about being here? My boyfriend who I love dearly.

I'm 34 this year, my partner 36. We are probably on the cusp of marriage and children. I'm worried that if I mention all of the above to him, the proposal won't come and our otherwise strong relationship will be at risk. The truth is, I cannot imagine raising children here and in my heart would rather move back to the UK. I feel as though my kids would be missing out on art, culture, news, the world in general by growing up in NZ....not to mention they'd miss out on having a relationship with my large family. I worry that I'd be at massive risk of post-natal depression if we went ahead and started a family here - I already feel so cut off. I worry that we wouldn't be able to afford to live a decent lifestyle and that trips home to the UK would be sacrificed. When my parents start to age, what will happen? I've already missed some huge milestones like my sister's 30th, Dad's 60th... The truth is I would never have even bothered visiting NZ if it wasn't for my boyfriend. I just don't like it.

I feel like I have three options:

1. Stay here and work even harder to build a life, hoping that it'll work, and trying to take my happiness from the relationship alone in the meantime
2. Convince my partner to try life in the UK again, get married and move back there
3. Partner isn't interested in moving back, and I make the decision to split and salvage some life back at 34

Has anyone overcome this type of dilemma?
Thanks in advance!
Leave, get out while you can. 3 years was enough and the NZer will not help you.
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Old May 22nd 2020, 1:11 am
  #28  
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Default Re: 3rd year in & unhappy - will this change?

Don't put the keys to your happiness in someone else's pocket.
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Old May 22nd 2020, 7:56 am
  #29  
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Default Re: 3rd year in & unhappy - will this change?

34... don't waste any more of your prime years. Go home, get a new job and get pregnant. In that order.

If he can make the move with you, great. If not, personal happiness comes first. Don't get pregnant if you're not happy, it'll get worse.
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Old May 22nd 2020, 10:04 am
  #30  
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Default Re: 3rd year in & unhappy - will this change?

Originally Posted by Purrball View Post
Don't put the keys to your happiness in someone else's pocket.
I couldn't agree more.. it's taken me 30 years to learn this..
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