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Would you leave your partner to move back to the UK.

View Poll Results: Would you leave your partner to move back to the UK ?
Never
33
31.13%
If I was becoming so depressed that I couldn't function
58
54.72%
only in exceptional circumstances, like war or famine
15
14.15%
Voters: 106. You may not vote on this poll

Would you leave your partner to move back to the UK.

Old Jun 18th 2007, 5:00 pm
  #31  
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Default Re: Would you leave your partner to move back to the UK.

Whilst it never came down to the nitty gritty with us it reached that point. We have lived stateside for 8 years and have 4 kids. I came here for my husband and my family. We have lead a relatively good life here. I, however have been, at times tearing my hair out about our situation. We still don't have a green card and I can't work. We have a 16 year old son, who's future is really hanging in the balance. He was required to do an internship to graduation from high school and because of our situation, wasn't allowed by law. When my husband was laid off in April, he scrambled to get other employment in the US and was offered a position in California. I was very upset at the prospect of being stuck in this limbo for gosh knows how long. I was sick and tired of having this hanging over us and to be honest it was horrible, horrible news when he was laid off. There was nothing in our future that we knew would prevent this from happening again. There was a lot of rows and bitterness passed back and forth. But I told my husband, during our entire relationship spanning 15 years, I had followed him everywhere he had to go. Moved all around the UK and then clear across the ocean. How much more was I expected to bend. Was it not time for my husband to bend towards me and the happiness of the entire family? I have been very blessed that my husband has saw things from my point of view. He has now agreed to look on this as a new beginning and a chance to start afresh in the UK. That the happiness and security of the entire family was far more important than remaining in a country, where our future was doubtful. I count myself very lucky because my marriage or state of mind could have quickly gone down hill in a big way.

For me marriage is a partnership. It's about giving and taking, compassion for your partner and the family you have together. But it should never be one sided. A family can't remain together for the sake of the children. At the end of the day when the children are all gone what is left? And children know when things aren't right and could be far more damaged from parents remaining together, just to keep one happy. No-one can predict what a future might hold. Any person who has to or has gone through this situation have my whole heart and sympathy. There is no right or wrong choice made because either is very difficult. And someone if not all are going to get hurt deeply by either choice.
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Old Jun 18th 2007, 7:28 pm
  #32  
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Default Re: Would you leave your partner to move back to the UK.

Originally Posted by kiwi_child
Well I voted the "if I was depressed enough" option. Continuing to live in a country you don't feel a sense of belonging to once you've been there a while is a daily grind. If someone has a partner who sees their pain at staying, yet insists they stay, well I'd be doing what meagansmummy did, and bugger off!

I'm not into controlling others, but equally I wont let others manipulate me. Compromise can often work, but there are simply just times when it wont. If we stay in a place of misery then we become miserable to everyone and feel our life is without meaning, worth and love. Nothing is worth that kind of feeling. Nothing and no-one.
hmmm, how would you handle a situation where you have a couple of kids added to the mix...so hubby and the kids like and want to stay...what would you do..

rgds


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Old Jun 19th 2007, 7:14 am
  #33  
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Default Re: Would you leave your partner to move back to the UK.

Originally Posted by dozy_muppet03
hmmm, how would you handle a situation where you have a couple of kids added to the mix...so hubby and the kids like and want to stay...what would you do..

rgds


John
Well I'd imagine you'd discuss the situation openly and honestly. It's hard to conceive a loving partner who would insist you stay when it so obviously and deeply affects your health and wellbeing. As for the kids, kids are under the care of their parents and until they are of age just have to accept their parents decisions. I would also be very surprised at any child wanting to stay when the pain one of their parent's is experiencing is directly a result of living there. They would be only too aware of the changes in the relationship they have with the depressed parent.
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Old Jun 19th 2007, 7:33 am
  #34  
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Default Re: Would you leave your partner to move back to the UK.

Originally Posted by kiwi_child
Well I'd imagine you'd discuss the situation openly and honestly. It's hard to conceive a loving partner who would insist you stay when it so obviously and deeply affects your health and wellbeing. As for the kids, kids are under the care of their parents and until they are of age just have to accept their parents decisions. I would also be very surprised at any child wanting to stay when the pain one of their parent's is experiencing is directly a result of living there. They would be only too aware of the changes in the relationship they have with the depressed parent.

Almost impossible to believe that a loving partner would insist on staying put, hence then it's not the place that becomes the problem but the partner.

Also I feel it's a situation that would take quiet a while to develop, a few seasons rather than a few months.

My cousins wife, (i've two UK cousins here) went through homesickness hell for about 3 years, she got through it eventually though, she put her 3 school age kids continuity first in her situation though.
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Old Jun 19th 2007, 7:46 am
  #35  
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Default Re: Would you leave your partner to move back to the UK.

Originally Posted by kiwi_child
Well I'd imagine you'd discuss the situation openly and honestly. It's hard to conceive a loving partner who would insist you stay when it so obviously and deeply affects your health and wellbeing. As for the kids, kids are under the care of their parents and until they are of age just have to accept their parents decisions. I would also be very surprised at any child wanting to stay when the pain one of their parent's is experiencing is directly a result of living there. They would be only too aware of the changes in the relationship they have with the depressed parent.
Well, here's my point; surely you would have discussed the pros and cons while you were here in the UK, everyone I have talked to about their reasons for leaving the UK invariably always consists of the same theme; they want away from the yob culture and violence, better opportunity for the kids, cost of living here is expensive, and so on...Sorry, but your comment comes across a little controlling regarding your kids and a bit carte blanche to simply say the kids dont have a choice; wasn't it them that you did this for?

If you come back, then come back as a family, you went as one...so come back as a family...and also more importantly, you kids may love it there, so at least do the right thing by them and get your Citizenship, you never know, you may come back here and and remember why and what made you go in the first place and then go back.

rgds,


John
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Old Jun 19th 2007, 8:00 am
  #36  
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Default Re: Would you leave your partner to move back to the UK.

I put never because my hubs would never ignore my wishes if I was that miserable, just as I would never ignore his if he was that miserable. Luckily, he loves the UK. If he had been miserable and hated it here I would've moved back to the US with him because although I was very depressed early on I got used to it and while I love living in the UK more than the US I love being with my husband, and he with me, more than the place we are together in.
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Old Jun 19th 2007, 1:29 pm
  #37  
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Default Re: Would you leave your partner to move back to the UK.

Originally Posted by dozy_muppet03
Well, here's my point; surely you would have discussed the pros and cons while you were here in the UK, everyone I have talked to about their reasons for leaving the UK invariably always consists of the same theme; they want away from the yob culture and violence, better opportunity for the kids, cost of living here is expensive, and so on...Sorry, but your comment comes across a little controlling regarding your kids and a bit carte blanche to simply say the kids dont have a choice; wasn't it them that you did this for?

If you come back, then come back as a family, you went as one...so come back as a family...and also more importantly, you kids may love it there, so at least do the right thing by them and get your Citizenship, you never know, you may come back here and and remember why and what made you go in the first place and then go back.

rgds,


John

We never left the UK for any of those reasons...just for work...
I'm glad really because if I came to give my kids a better life I sure let them down so far....
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Old Jun 19th 2007, 1:53 pm
  #38  
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Default Re: Would you leave your partner to move back to the UK.

Originally Posted by Serenity
I put never because my hubs would never ignore my wishes if I was that miserable, just as I would never ignore his if he was that miserable. Luckily, he loves the UK. If he had been miserable and hated it here I would've moved back to the US with him because although I was very depressed early on I got used to it and while I love living in the UK more than the US I love being with my husband, and he with me, more than the place we are together in.
Lovely post - a sign of true love
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Old Jun 19th 2007, 2:11 pm
  #39  
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Default Re: Would you leave your partner to move back to the UK.

Originally Posted by dozy_muppet03
Well, here's my point; surely you would have discussed the pros and cons while you were here in the UK
Many people discuss it but the reality of it is quite different. One may become settled and not be prepared to give up their new life.

Originally Posted by dozy_muppet03
everyone I have talked to about their reasons for leaving the UK invariably always consists of the same theme; they want away from the yob culture and violence, better opportunity for the kids, cost of living here is expensive, and so on...
Very true. But when they get there they realise that the new country has exactly the same problems as the one they have left.

Originally Posted by dozy_muppet03
Sorry, but your comment comes across a little controlling regarding your kids and a bit carte blanche to simply say the kids dont have a choice; wasn't it them that you did this for?
Not always - many people do things like emigrating for themselves. Kids are extremely adaptable anyway and I personally don't believe they have a better life there. It's different not better. Some would argue that they have a better life surrounded by loving family.

Originally Posted by dozy_muppet03
If you come back, then come back as a family, you went as one...so come back as a family...and also more importantly, you kids may love it there, so at least do the right thing by them and get your Citizenship, you never know, you may come back here and and remember why and what made you go in the first place and then go back.

I agree that wherever possible get citizenship - I'm all for keeping your options open. It isn't always easy though when you are missing the place/people/lifestyle you love or you simply cant afford to stay any longer.
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Old Jun 19th 2007, 3:02 pm
  #40  
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Default Re: Would you leave your partner to move back to the UK.

Originally Posted by ozzieeagle
Almost impossible to believe that a loving partner would insist on staying put, hence then it's not the place that becomes the problem but the partner.

Also I feel it's a situation that would take quiet a while to develop, a few seasons rather than a few months.

My cousins wife, (i've two UK cousins here) went through homesickness hell for about 3 years, she got through it eventually though, she put her 3 school age kids continuity first in her situation though.
I agree with you there.

Only problem is if one wants to live in one country and the other wants to live in another. I mean for example:

My OH hated it here and wanted to return to the UK, so I went but really didn't want to be there. Who has to make the sacrifice there? Do we live in the UK and me be unhappy or do we live in Oz and him be unhappy?

So I don't think it's as cut and dry as all that.

Luckily, that's all theoretical for us cos we are both fine here, or there (if we really had to go back!). I feel desperatly sorry for those that have that problem though.

It is something we discussed before applying, and we both agreed that so long as we had each other we would be fine wherever we were.
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Old Jun 20th 2007, 2:28 pm
  #41  
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Default Re: Would you leave your partner to move back to the UK.

Originally Posted by krizzy
We never left the UK for any of those reasons...just for work...
I'm glad really because if I came to give my kids a better life I sure let them down so far....
I'm glad to see someone being so honest!
We also move a lot because of work and sometimes kids suffer, specialy in the moving process. But they don't know any better, my kids normaly ask after a while being somewhere what country we're going next and if they could have a dog
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Old Jun 23rd 2007, 12:26 pm
  #42  
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Default Re: Would you leave your partner to move back to the UK.

Originally Posted by LouiseD
This is such a tough question because how do you know what you would do unless it happened to you. How do you know how unhappy or how low and desperate you could get.

I've read Jude's story from when she first posted and can only imagine the heartache and anguish that she and people like her have been through. It must be such an awful decision to make and they must have absolutely reached rock bottom to make such a huge decision where the only way that they can save their sanity is by ending their marriage to come home.

I don't agree with the statement that there is nothing sadder that one parent missing in a marriage. I think many one parent families have very well adjusted happy children. The kids I feel most for are those who have to constantly endure miserable, depressed, unhappy parents who grow to resent and hate each other - that is far more damaging than having just one happy parent.

When you enter into a marriage you make vows to stay together for better and for worse and to stand by each other through sickness and health. Depression is an illness and if one partner is so depressed that he/she is crying every day and cannot function properly, then it is up to the other partner to act responsibly, support and help that partner. If they can't or won't, what option has the depressed partner got but to save their sanity and leave.

To anyone who has been brave enough to take this step I take my hat off to you.
Have to agree. Perhaps the sanctity of life ultimately overules vows.

Most of us hope to never be there.
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Old Jun 24th 2007, 11:08 am
  #43  
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Default Re: Would you leave your partner to move back to the UK.

Originally Posted by dozy_muppet03
hmmm, how would you handle a situation where you have a couple of kids added to the mix...so hubby and the kids like and want to stay...what would you do..

rgds


John
Hi been there done that, we came out to nz with 4 kids. We both had work and work visas, I lost my job through no fault of my own. I became miserable and desperatley wanted to go home. i perservered for another year, with hubby and kids wanting to stay as they love it here but i had to make a decision. For my own sanity i made the decision to go back to the uk, it was the hardest decision of my life. My hubby and family r my life and there is no one more important to me in the world, but i knew i just could not stay. i am very lucky to say that my hubby also realised that he loved me too and the family unit was important to him too, so after a whole year of battling whether to stay or leave. i fly home on tuesday with one of the children and he is returning with the others at the end of july once the animals can fly.
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Old Jun 24th 2007, 12:44 pm
  #44  
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Default Re: Would you leave your partner to move back to the UK.

When it becomes a matter of self preservation, you have to.

Originally Posted by ozzieeagle
Australia, and other places that people migrate to are for the most part not hell holes.
Sometimes, that's utterly irrelevant. How you think you will react to things you expected, or didn't, can be a million miles from what turns out to be reality. As much as I publically just bitch about the day to day things of life in the US, I actually left because of my state of physical and mental health. Although not separated, we are now apart.

It's not cut and dry, and at the end of the day both of you involved has their own personal decision to make, almost independent of each other. In my mind, when problems do appear, it's a lot harder with a dual nationality relationship. I find I think like Pollyanna in that respect. I dont expect him to sacrifice his happiness for mine but when I cannot stay in the US, I won't make myself ill.

In Megansmummy's case though, I would hope that a British husband would see what was going on and return. If not, I would have done exactly what she has.
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Old Jun 25th 2007, 12:26 am
  #45  
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Default Re: Would you leave your partner to move back to the UK.

Originally Posted by dozy_muppet03
Well, here's my point; surely you would have discussed the pros and cons while you were here in the UK, everyone I have talked to about their reasons for leaving the UK invariably always consists of the same theme; they want away from the yob culture and violence, better opportunity for the kids, cost of living here is expensive, and so on...Sorry, but your comment comes across a little controlling regarding your kids and a bit carte blanche to simply say the kids dont have a choice; wasn't it them that you did this for?

If you come back, then come back as a family, you went as one...so come back as a family...and also more importantly, you kids may love it there, so at least do the right thing by them and get your Citizenship, you never know, you may come back here and and remember why and what made you go in the first place and then go back.

rgds,


John
Unfortuantely as you don't know my particular background and circumstances you are making assumptions that are not correct.

Of course you involve your children in things, but at the end of the day it is the parents,(the adults in the equation) who must decide what is in the best interests of the family. Can you seriously say that because hubby and one or two of the children want to stay, that mum should just shut up and be grateful for prozac? Sounds a bit like 'lying back and thinking of Mother England' to me. I thought repression and obedience went out of fashion a fair while back. The sanctimonious and self-sacrificing power dynamics belong in the era when it was considered a man's right to beat his wife a little to keep her in order. A life of misery is a life wasted.
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