Worried about going home.

Old Apr 29th 2009, 1:20 am
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Default Worried about going home.

After struggling with homesickness and loneliness the decision was made that Australia was not where we wanted to live. The decision was made that I return to the UK with my two boys and my hubby will join us in a few months. As I won't have a job to go back to I can't afford to move back to my own home. It is being rented out and everything has been going really well. My MIL and her husband and hubby's Nan are all visiting at the moment and when I leave next week I will return with them and stay with my MIL until my hubby returns. The problem is it has been hard us all living under the same roof. Her husband has Alzhimers and since I last saw him he has gone really down hill. He is in such a confused state most of the time. Knowing that I did a care job back in the UK my MIL has done nothing to help him and has been leaving us to do it all. She basically doesn't want to be with him anymore and just can't be bothered with him. When in the UK he goes into the town everyday to buy his breakfast! She can't even be bothered to put cereal in a bowl for him! Then she moans he is wasting his money! It's very sad, he is only 61! He isn't care home material yet but it is getting hard for him to do simple tasks. I found out he wasn't taking his meds and my MIL was supposed to ensure he takes them (has taken them everyday since being here) but she just ignores him. Knowing that it will probably fall on my shoulders to sort him out scares the hell out of me. I have told her that I don't mind helping out cooking his meals etc as he doesn't eat properly as he can't do it himself but my main concern is my boys. She has agreed that I can't be concerned about him but I can't just sit by and watch him struggle with day to day things. I am beginning to wonder if I am doing the right thing returning to live with them! I want to return but knowing what lays ahead is putting a cloud over my head. MIL is very good when it comes to financial matters and is putting a roof over our heads but doesn't have any emotion when it come to her sick husband.

I can see trouble ahead!
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Old Apr 29th 2009, 8:39 am
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Default Re: Worried about going home.

Originally Posted by dickchap
After struggling with homesickness and loneliness the decision was made that Australia was not where we wanted to live. The decision was made that I return to the UK with my two boys and my hubby will join us in a few months. As I won't have a job to go back to I can't afford to move back to my own home. It is being rented out and everything has been going really well. My MIL and her husband and hubby's Nan are all visiting at the moment and when I leave next week I will return with them and stay with my MIL until my hubby returns. The problem is it has been hard us all living under the same roof. Her husband has Alzhimers and since I last saw him he has gone really down hill. He is in such a confused state most of the time. Knowing that I did a care job back in the UK my MIL has done nothing to help him and has been leaving us to do it all. She basically doesn't want to be with him anymore and just can't be bothered with him. When in the UK he goes into the town everyday to buy his breakfast! She can't even be bothered to put cereal in a bowl for him! Then she moans he is wasting his money! It's very sad, he is only 61! He isn't care home material yet but it is getting hard for him to do simple tasks. I found out he wasn't taking his meds and my MIL was supposed to ensure he takes them (has taken them everyday since being here) but she just ignores him. Knowing that it will probably fall on my shoulders to sort him out scares the hell out of me. I have told her that I don't mind helping out cooking his meals etc as he doesn't eat properly as he can't do it himself but my main concern is my boys. She has agreed that I can't be concerned about him but I can't just sit by and watch him struggle with day to day things. I am beginning to wonder if I am doing the right thing returning to live with them! I want to return but knowing what lays ahead is putting a cloud over my head. MIL is very good when it comes to financial matters and is putting a roof over our heads but doesn't have any emotion when it come to her sick husband.

I can see trouble ahead!
<<<Hugs>>>

I don't really anything constructive to say. What an awful situation for you to be in.

It must be really hard to see your MIL treat your FIL the way she does. Is she in denial perhaps about his illness or feels she is unable to cope. Please note that I am not trying to defend her actions in any way. Is there the possibility of a home help when you get back to take the expected burden away from you.

Do you have any other family of support network at home where you can go for a break while staying with your in laws? It is a stressfull move to make without the added burden you have. I hope things improve for you.

Sorry I haven't been much help, just didn't want your post to go unnoticed.
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Old Apr 29th 2009, 9:20 am
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Default Re: Worried about going home.

If things get to bad then I will go and stay at my sisters. I have already arranged a holiday to Spain during the summer to see my dad. She is a very uncaring sort of person she doesn't mean to be but it's just not in her nature to want to look after anybody. She doesn't even take much notice of my boys! She is only really interested in herself and if things don't go her way then she isn't interested. As for home help, I think she feels I will do it. He needs a lot of guidance in most things he does. He spends all day going in and out of town on the bus as he forgets why he went in! I know there isn't much advice people can give me but just wanted to express my feelings. My hubby doesn't get wound up like me. When I ask him why, he says he is used to it and nothing she does surprises him!
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Old Apr 29th 2009, 2:19 pm
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Default Re: Worried about going home.

Originally Posted by dickchap
After struggling with homesickness and loneliness the decision was made that Australia was not where we wanted to live. The decision was made that I return to the UK with my two boys and my hubby will join us in a few months. As I won't have a job to go back to I can't afford to move back to my own home. It is being rented out and everything has been going really well. My MIL and her husband and hubby's Nan are all visiting at the moment and when I leave next week I will return with them and stay with my MIL until my hubby returns. The problem is it has been hard us all living under the same roof. Her husband has Alzhimers and since I last saw him he has gone really down hill. He is in such a confused state most of the time. Knowing that I did a care job back in the UK my MIL has done nothing to help him and has been leaving us to do it all. She basically doesn't want to be with him anymore and just can't be bothered with him. When in the UK he goes into the town everyday to buy his breakfast! She can't even be bothered to put cereal in a bowl for him! Then she moans he is wasting his money! It's very sad, he is only 61! He isn't care home material yet but it is getting hard for him to do simple tasks. I found out he wasn't taking his meds and my MIL was supposed to ensure he takes them (has taken them everyday since being here) but she just ignores him. Knowing that it will probably fall on my shoulders to sort him out scares the hell out of me. I have told her that I don't mind helping out cooking his meals etc as he doesn't eat properly as he can't do it himself but my main concern is my boys. She has agreed that I can't be concerned about him but I can't just sit by and watch him struggle with day to day things. I am beginning to wonder if I am doing the right thing returning to live with them! I want to return but knowing what lays ahead is putting a cloud over my head. MIL is very good when it comes to financial matters and is putting a roof over our heads but doesn't have any emotion when it come to her sick husband.

I can see trouble ahead!
I can only see two ways round this, go and stay with them or stay where you are now until your OH is ready to come back too.
I returned to UK and lived with my parents for 2 weeks until we found a rental. My mum has cancer and was having Chemo when we stayed with her. It was hard for all of us, especially my mum, but we found a house pretty quick.
If i knew we had stay with her any longer i wouldn't have put the burden on her. Not saying you will be a burden, but you need to put things in perspective....wait til you have your own rental or put up with the concerns.
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Old Apr 29th 2009, 11:16 pm
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Default Re: Worried about going home.

Thanks for the advice. I don't mean to sound like I am moaning (I am really) but the reason we are returning sooner than Hubby is because our rental is up at the end of May and he has to pay back relocation costs, this is easier to do without us being here as he can pay company back quicker without the high rent price and 2 cars to run etc. My main concern is that her hubby is being left to fend for himself and she takes no interest in him. I am naturally a caring person and can't stand by and see him struggle which is what has been happening. But I also don't want to be in a position where it is expected of me. It's a difficult situation. I am am grateful for MIL for letting us stay with her but it feels like it is more for her benefit as she tends only to do things it she gets something out of it! I have my own house but can't afford to move back to it until hubby returns.
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Old Apr 30th 2009, 4:35 am
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Default Re: Worried about going home.

from what you say it is your hubby's parents, have you spoken to hubby about your concerns? is he not prepared to speak to his mother about the apparent lack of care for his father?
this sounds like an awful situation to be in, I hope your hubby will try to do or say something. good luck to you all with the move
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Old Apr 30th 2009, 5:22 am
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Default Re: Worried about going home.

Looking at it a different way....

I can see that you don't want this responsibility, and she shouldn't expect it, but can you make it work for you? Apart from dealing with the F-I-L, will living with them work for you? I'm not sure if you think your F-I-L will be a problem for your kids and vice versa.

If you think it'll be okay overall, can you decide what you can and can't do and still get by until your hubby gets home?

Let's say you make sure he takes his meds and eats reasonably. You'll be making sure you and your kids eat okay, so that can be all one job, and perhaps you can set up a meds situation to make it easier. There are those packages, so he can see if he's taken them, and even gadgets that ring to remind him. Probably other things. A lot of fairly normal people get confused about whether they've taken their pills or not.

But then perhaps you could make it clear that you can't be responsible for his comings and goings and stick to it.

Just a slightly different way of looking at it. A trade off for the economy and convenience of living with them.

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Old Apr 30th 2009, 5:43 am
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Default Re: Worried about going home.

If it was me, I'd decide to see the situation as short term and I'd just do my best to help my FIL while I can in whatever way I can knowing i'd be moving soon and that what goes around comes around anyway.
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Old May 1st 2009, 12:27 am
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Default Re: Worried about going home.

My hubby is not a very straight talking guy. Whenever he has approached his mother about things in the past she turns on the water works! It's pathetic to see a 55year old woman cry over a situation that is trying to be resolved. She tries to make him feel guilty that she is crying. It's not like he has shouted at her or anything just tried to voice his concerns. She is a top notch accountant in a high end job but if you confront her she cries - Pathetic

My genuine concern is for FIL. I will try and do what I can for him without doing everything so she sits back and does nothing. She is used to him running round after her like a lap dog and now he can't she doesn't want to know. We did stay with her before we came to OZ for a couple of weeks and it wasn't too bad as she works long hours. So I only saw her in the evenings before she went up to her office to work. I think I am going to have to just make a short term life for myself and just get through it the best I can.
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Old May 1st 2009, 12:31 am
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Default Re: Worried about going home.

You're never going to change anything in that case. They've probably been the same characters in their marriage for many years and it will be all they know. It's a shame your MIL is so detached from the situation but all you can do is your own best for the time that you spend with him then at least you can walk away from the situation knowing you helped in a small way.
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Old May 1st 2009, 3:41 am
  #11  
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Default Re: Worried about going home.

As I said I have done caring in the past and know a bit about dementia. I have explained to MIL that what FIL is doing is down to the illness and he needs a lot of help as things are only going to get worse for him. She said she can provide financially but not emotionally. She has even spoken to me about finding someone new! How horrendous! I know I will never change her as she is a very strange lady. It's just a huge shame and I just hope for her sake that she never gets sick as I would be less inclined to help her. If I can do what I can for FIL then at least my conscience is clear and I can sleep easy at nights!
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