Why am I so unhappy here? Should I go back?
Oct 13th 2008, 5:01 pm
#1
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Thread Starter
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 79
Why am I so unhappy here? Should I go back?
Hi,
I'm quite new to BE but I feel that this is the only place to get the answers I need to help me with maybe the biggest dilemma I face in my life. Here goes:
We (me, OH and 2 kids aged 12 & 13) moved to SW Ontario on June 1st this year on a TWP with the view of renewing it and applying for PR asap. However, after not being able to settle at all since I got here, I am now considering going home... My OH has a job that pays poorly, and as we are here on a TWP, he is only allowed to work for the company stated on his visa. I however have an open TWP but after appying for tons of jobs that I would have EASILY got in UK, I have had to accept a position $1 over minimum pay!!!! I am gutted to say the least. This may be because i am on a TWP, or because I am new to Canada... I just dont know but, I find it very very disheartening indeed...
We have our equity from the sale of our UK house in a bank account that JUST pays the rent we have here in Canada. We have worked out it costs us roughly $3000 per month to pay all the bills and rent and food, fuel etc... We don't live a lavish lifestyle here at all and make cut backs wherever we can.
Our kids are sooo in love with being here, they have a totally different life than they had inUK, out with friends all the time, loving life.... We came here for that side of things and its definately here for them no doubt...
Our kids know that if we can't make it work financially, we have no choice but to go back to UK... But its killing me inside for them, because I just can't get on.
In UK my OH had a career that was extreemly safe, great pension, and gave him time at home with us all. I had my own relatively successful business working from home and took off the time I wanted when the kids were off school etc.... In total our combined income was around £60K...
However, we didn't make the most of the life and time we had in the UK and we didn't realise how important our friends and family were until they weren't there anymore.
My OH wants to stay here for at least a year to experience all the seasons. Me, well I would go back now if I could, I find myself sinking deeper into depression and can't see a way out but to return to UK. My OH suggests I go back alone and earn enough money to send back for my family, but I'm not a great believer in living apart... And I would desperately miss them all...
Due to his job here, we don't meet many people that we can befriend, and I have only just had a job offer in so haven't met friends yet... Sometimes we are soooo bored that we end up arguing over stupid things... We go out but usually for walks and stuff.
Anyway, back in the UK, I have been offered a job paying quite well, my OH's job is kept open for a year, a friend has said he has a house we can rent if we want it... This is now drawing me back... But am I making a mistake?
I have thought visiting UK will change my mind but, What if i won't come back here?
I never thought it would be as hard as this EVER... And we are friendly people that talk to anyone, ut still find it hard to adjust here...
Please, don't tell me to "realise why I wanted to leave the UK in the first place", I have thought that over and over again...
And why, if a place seems so perfect, am I so unhappy?
Thankyou for all your forthcoming comments...
xxxx
I'm quite new to BE but I feel that this is the only place to get the answers I need to help me with maybe the biggest dilemma I face in my life. Here goes:
We (me, OH and 2 kids aged 12 & 13) moved to SW Ontario on June 1st this year on a TWP with the view of renewing it and applying for PR asap. However, after not being able to settle at all since I got here, I am now considering going home... My OH has a job that pays poorly, and as we are here on a TWP, he is only allowed to work for the company stated on his visa. I however have an open TWP but after appying for tons of jobs that I would have EASILY got in UK, I have had to accept a position $1 over minimum pay!!!! I am gutted to say the least. This may be because i am on a TWP, or because I am new to Canada... I just dont know but, I find it very very disheartening indeed...
We have our equity from the sale of our UK house in a bank account that JUST pays the rent we have here in Canada. We have worked out it costs us roughly $3000 per month to pay all the bills and rent and food, fuel etc... We don't live a lavish lifestyle here at all and make cut backs wherever we can.
Our kids are sooo in love with being here, they have a totally different life than they had inUK, out with friends all the time, loving life.... We came here for that side of things and its definately here for them no doubt...
Our kids know that if we can't make it work financially, we have no choice but to go back to UK... But its killing me inside for them, because I just can't get on.
In UK my OH had a career that was extreemly safe, great pension, and gave him time at home with us all. I had my own relatively successful business working from home and took off the time I wanted when the kids were off school etc.... In total our combined income was around £60K...
However, we didn't make the most of the life and time we had in the UK and we didn't realise how important our friends and family were until they weren't there anymore.
My OH wants to stay here for at least a year to experience all the seasons. Me, well I would go back now if I could, I find myself sinking deeper into depression and can't see a way out but to return to UK. My OH suggests I go back alone and earn enough money to send back for my family, but I'm not a great believer in living apart... And I would desperately miss them all...
Due to his job here, we don't meet many people that we can befriend, and I have only just had a job offer in so haven't met friends yet... Sometimes we are soooo bored that we end up arguing over stupid things... We go out but usually for walks and stuff.
Anyway, back in the UK, I have been offered a job paying quite well, my OH's job is kept open for a year, a friend has said he has a house we can rent if we want it... This is now drawing me back... But am I making a mistake?
I have thought visiting UK will change my mind but, What if i won't come back here?
I never thought it would be as hard as this EVER... And we are friendly people that talk to anyone, ut still find it hard to adjust here...
Please, don't tell me to "realise why I wanted to leave the UK in the first place", I have thought that over and over again...
And why, if a place seems so perfect, am I so unhappy?
Thankyou for all your forthcoming comments...
xxxx
Oct 13th 2008, 5:38 pm
#2
Elusive dreamer
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 425
Re: Why am I so unhappy here? Should I go back?
Hello there...
First of all, let me say: I know how you feel.
Second of all, be prepared: There will be a lot of people on here (maybe even the majority) who will tell you that you have not given it enough time and that you need to give it a chance. You will get the culture shock comments. Very few people on here will actually tell you that it is fine to go back to the UK.
We were in Canada for 4 months and we struggled. Hubby had a job - but it was only a contract and we could only afford living with other people in a student-type place if we did not want to lose ALL our savings. I could not find any work at all - the best I was offered was a 2 week temp job as a secretary in my time there (and I am a lawyer). I guess I could have got the types of jobs you are offered - minimum wage or $1 above, but I simply did not want those. Like you, I was absolutely depressed about things.
We decided to go back - and so far so good. It's not been easy at all, to be honest. For my career we had to go to London where we do not have family and we had to couch-surf. I could have had my old job back, but it was not where I wanted to be. Took me 4 weeks to find a job and a day later we finally got a flat. What I am trying to say is: Going back might not be a walk in the park either, though in your case it may be easier than in ours to slide back into life with your family being there and you both having job offers.
The reasons why we wanted to leave the UK are obviously still there - but they no longer bother us, to be honest. We have learned that no place is perfect and that just by running across the world you will not find paradise. But for the first time in my life, London feels right to me. Maybe it will change when I actually start this new job (as I know it will be hard work), but I think emigration has given me a healthy dose of reality as to the fact that grass is not greener on the other side.
Your situation is more complicated, of course, as your kids seem to love the place. That needs to be taken into account - but if you can't make ends meet over there then it's probably not in their best interest for you to stay over there.
I am not going to tell you to give it more time. I am not going to tell you to go home. I did notice, however, that your hubby has his job in the UK open until next year - so maybe that would be a good deadline to re-assess things by? Of course I also take the view that we do not know where this global recession is going to head - and one of the reasons I came back to the UK so quickly was because I knew I'd be better off in a place where I am qualified to work and my credentials are recognised if things get really bad. The Canada-lovers on here may disagree with me, but I firmly believe this recession will hit everywhere sooner or later... .
In any event, whatever you decide, the emigration experience is valuable, even if terribly pricey.
First of all, let me say: I know how you feel.
Second of all, be prepared: There will be a lot of people on here (maybe even the majority) who will tell you that you have not given it enough time and that you need to give it a chance. You will get the culture shock comments. Very few people on here will actually tell you that it is fine to go back to the UK.
We were in Canada for 4 months and we struggled. Hubby had a job - but it was only a contract and we could only afford living with other people in a student-type place if we did not want to lose ALL our savings. I could not find any work at all - the best I was offered was a 2 week temp job as a secretary in my time there (and I am a lawyer). I guess I could have got the types of jobs you are offered - minimum wage or $1 above, but I simply did not want those. Like you, I was absolutely depressed about things.
We decided to go back - and so far so good. It's not been easy at all, to be honest. For my career we had to go to London where we do not have family and we had to couch-surf. I could have had my old job back, but it was not where I wanted to be. Took me 4 weeks to find a job and a day later we finally got a flat. What I am trying to say is: Going back might not be a walk in the park either, though in your case it may be easier than in ours to slide back into life with your family being there and you both having job offers.
The reasons why we wanted to leave the UK are obviously still there - but they no longer bother us, to be honest. We have learned that no place is perfect and that just by running across the world you will not find paradise. But for the first time in my life, London feels right to me. Maybe it will change when I actually start this new job (as I know it will be hard work), but I think emigration has given me a healthy dose of reality as to the fact that grass is not greener on the other side.
Your situation is more complicated, of course, as your kids seem to love the place. That needs to be taken into account - but if you can't make ends meet over there then it's probably not in their best interest for you to stay over there.
I am not going to tell you to give it more time. I am not going to tell you to go home. I did notice, however, that your hubby has his job in the UK open until next year - so maybe that would be a good deadline to re-assess things by? Of course I also take the view that we do not know where this global recession is going to head - and one of the reasons I came back to the UK so quickly was because I knew I'd be better off in a place where I am qualified to work and my credentials are recognised if things get really bad. The Canada-lovers on here may disagree with me, but I firmly believe this recession will hit everywhere sooner or later... .
In any event, whatever you decide, the emigration experience is valuable, even if terribly pricey.
Last edited by gotoronto; Oct 13th 2008 at 6:50 pm.
Oct 13th 2008, 6:11 pm
#3
Tea Drinker
Joined: Nov 2006
Location: Kamloops, BC
Posts: 5,387
Re: Why am I so unhappy here? Should I go back?
you have some replies in the main canada forum as well.
Oct 13th 2008, 8:16 pm
#4
Just hanging around
Joined: May 2008
Location: Back in England
Posts: 1,447
Re: Why am I so unhappy here? Should I go back?
What are your kids loving?
You say they're out with friends all the time. Why wasn't that possible in the UK? Was that something to do with where you were living? They're obviously quick to make friends. What were their interests and group activities back in the UK? Could you live in a different area that provides them with the things they have in Kitchener? They may change their mind when they experience winter there. Or they may love it, then you have a bigger problem, because you can't give them that in England.
You don't have to feel bad about not liking a nice place. The world has a lot of nice places that many, many people don't want to live in.
You can't ignore your gut reactions, though it's true they might change.
We lived in Ontario and realized we were bothered by being so far from the sea. It's a real, physical difference, in the air, and in the earth. Obviously some people are more affected by it than others. BTW, for Australians, there may be a similar unsettling effect from magnetism, but I'm not sure how that works.
We moved to the coast and things got better. We're moving back for other reasons.
Also, because of the same languange we do underestimate how different people are. IMO it's like seeing the world through bad specs. It's almost clear but not quite. No wonder it's stressful. That will get better, but I don't think it ever gets right unless you're a person who takes to it because the specs work, and it was the UK that was out of focus. If you see what I mean.
Just some muddled thoughts.
Bev
You say they're out with friends all the time. Why wasn't that possible in the UK? Was that something to do with where you were living? They're obviously quick to make friends. What were their interests and group activities back in the UK? Could you live in a different area that provides them with the things they have in Kitchener? They may change their mind when they experience winter there. Or they may love it, then you have a bigger problem, because you can't give them that in England.
You don't have to feel bad about not liking a nice place. The world has a lot of nice places that many, many people don't want to live in.
You can't ignore your gut reactions, though it's true they might change.
We lived in Ontario and realized we were bothered by being so far from the sea. It's a real, physical difference, in the air, and in the earth. Obviously some people are more affected by it than others. BTW, for Australians, there may be a similar unsettling effect from magnetism, but I'm not sure how that works.
We moved to the coast and things got better. We're moving back for other reasons.
Also, because of the same languange we do underestimate how different people are. IMO it's like seeing the world through bad specs. It's almost clear but not quite. No wonder it's stressful. That will get better, but I don't think it ever gets right unless you're a person who takes to it because the specs work, and it was the UK that was out of focus. If you see what I mean.
Just some muddled thoughts.
Bev
Oct 13th 2008, 8:20 pm
#5
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Joined: Jun 2008
Location: Back in the UK after 12 years in Australia
Posts: 579
Re: Why am I so unhappy here? Should I go back?
Your kids have only been there 10 minutes in the grand scheme of things, I doubt they have deep ties with the place after 4 months, they are probably still on holiday mode with the novelty factor of it all. So don't sacrifice your financial and emotional security by staying on in a bad situation, it's not good for you OR them.
Many times in the first year or two in Aus I desperately wanted to go home but I stayed on and it got better and/or I got used to it. But I married an Australian so had a reason to soldier on, his career was established here in Aus and I was fresh out of uni etc, it made more sense (I thought) to stay in Aus. In retrospect I should have been stronger and fought my own corner for the UK, but I did want the adventure of living in Aus too.
Yourself and your OH have job offers and a rental house that would get you by so would be able to hit the ground running in the UK. Don't go by yourself that's a crap idea I did that once and we were both as miserable as hell.
Many times in the first year or two in Aus I desperately wanted to go home but I stayed on and it got better and/or I got used to it. But I married an Australian so had a reason to soldier on, his career was established here in Aus and I was fresh out of uni etc, it made more sense (I thought) to stay in Aus. In retrospect I should have been stronger and fought my own corner for the UK, but I did want the adventure of living in Aus too.
Yourself and your OH have job offers and a rental house that would get you by so would be able to hit the ground running in the UK. Don't go by yourself that's a crap idea I did that once and we were both as miserable as hell.
Oct 13th 2008, 9:43 pm
#6
Forum Regular
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 66
Re: Why am I so unhappy here? Should I go back?
Hi hippy chick
I wanted to reply to your thread as I can relate to what you are going through. I don't know about you but it makes me feel less alone knowing others aren't finding their new lives abroad the dream they thought they would be. We are in a very similar situtation to you in Canada but just have a one year old so it makes it slightly easier in that she can't voice her opinions, yet!
I think you have done the right thing by posting your thread on the two forums. You'll get a good balance of replies. I personally like the MBTTUK forum best as people on here seem more sympathetic with the idea that it is OK to prefer to live in the UK and that in reality wherever you move it isn't always the perfect place you thought it was going to be. Others on here too realise home in the UK is not that bad afterall and that alone has certainly helped with my decision to try and get back home.
It is your choice but I am worried that if you go back to the UK alone you may get more depressed because it may feel like your OH and children have made their new lives work where you couldn't. Hopefully you can work out a solution where you all stay together. Whatever happens your children have had the experience of living in Canada and if you do choose to go back to the UK at some point they can always make the move back here someday if they wish.
Best wishes for whatever you decide
xxx
I wanted to reply to your thread as I can relate to what you are going through. I don't know about you but it makes me feel less alone knowing others aren't finding their new lives abroad the dream they thought they would be. We are in a very similar situtation to you in Canada but just have a one year old so it makes it slightly easier in that she can't voice her opinions, yet!
I think you have done the right thing by posting your thread on the two forums. You'll get a good balance of replies. I personally like the MBTTUK forum best as people on here seem more sympathetic with the idea that it is OK to prefer to live in the UK and that in reality wherever you move it isn't always the perfect place you thought it was going to be. Others on here too realise home in the UK is not that bad afterall and that alone has certainly helped with my decision to try and get back home.
It is your choice but I am worried that if you go back to the UK alone you may get more depressed because it may feel like your OH and children have made their new lives work where you couldn't. Hopefully you can work out a solution where you all stay together. Whatever happens your children have had the experience of living in Canada and if you do choose to go back to the UK at some point they can always make the move back here someday if they wish.
Best wishes for whatever you decide
xxx
Oct 14th 2008, 1:48 am
#7
Retired
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 34,649
Re: Why am I so unhappy here? Should I go back?
If they're not Canadian citizens, that is not necessarily the case.
Oct 14th 2008, 2:28 am
#8
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Joined: Jan 2005
Location: Brisbane
Posts: 4,298
Re: Why am I so unhappy here? Should I go back?
It seems to me that if you and your husband were in secure jobs earning more than you did in the UK, you would be loving your new lives and not considering a move home. Is that a fair observation to make?
Yet in your post, you said that the reason you came was for the different lifestyle, and not for financial gain. Your kids have made the most of this aspect, but it seems that you have been too caught up in worrying about money to enjoy the original reasons why you decided to move over.
I think that you are worrying far too much about money & getting ahead in $$$ terms. It is not constructive to be thinking "I could be earning this much back in the UK" if your original motivation for moving wasn't financial in the first place.
If I were you, I'd stick it out a bit longer, see it as a challenge. You are starting from the bottom and working your way back up. You can get there if you want to. If the real motivation for moving was as per your quote above, you'll be ok.
ps- I hope I haven't worded this too harshly, I'm just saying it as I see it. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do.
Oct 14th 2008, 2:37 am
#9
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Joined: May 2008
Posts: 79
Re: Why am I so unhappy here? Should I go back?
Hi and thanks for so many replies...
In reply to Bev M: Why do my kids love it here more? : The area we lived in was in a place where i didn't like the kids in the area, and neither did they, and therefore weren't happy being around the "idiots" there. Also, the school they were at had a HUGE catchment area, and there friends from school could live as far away as 25 miles!!! Here in Canada there friends from school all live in the area. We have talked about changing schools if we go back for this reason.
Markallwood: Yes, I think you're right, having the money we need to live here would ease our stress and we could then enjoy the things we came here for.
We both realise that we have to give it the year but find it hard to focus on the next 8 months when the first 4 have been so hard for me. I feel bad for my OH as he is much more of a positive person than I am and feel like I'm dragging him down emotionally, which makes me even more unhappy. Thats probably why he suggests I go back to UK, even for a visit, to make me re-focus again on the reasons we are here...
Thanks again for your comments, They mean a lot to me. I will keep you updated...
xxxx
In reply to Bev M: Why do my kids love it here more? : The area we lived in was in a place where i didn't like the kids in the area, and neither did they, and therefore weren't happy being around the "idiots" there. Also, the school they were at had a HUGE catchment area, and there friends from school could live as far away as 25 miles!!! Here in Canada there friends from school all live in the area. We have talked about changing schools if we go back for this reason.
Markallwood: Yes, I think you're right, having the money we need to live here would ease our stress and we could then enjoy the things we came here for.
We both realise that we have to give it the year but find it hard to focus on the next 8 months when the first 4 have been so hard for me. I feel bad for my OH as he is much more of a positive person than I am and feel like I'm dragging him down emotionally, which makes me even more unhappy. Thats probably why he suggests I go back to UK, even for a visit, to make me re-focus again on the reasons we are here...
Thanks again for your comments, They mean a lot to me. I will keep you updated...
xxxx
Oct 14th 2008, 8:42 am
#10
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 912
Re: Why am I so unhappy here? Should I go back?
It's not that easy to go back when your kids are loving it, but honestly the longer they stay there the more attached they will become to it and the harder they'll probably find it to readjust back in UK, so if you're ever going to go back to the UK it's probably better for your kids if you do so sooner rather than later.
I often wonder the same things as you. My lifestyle in Australia seems almost perfect in many respects (and to be honest a whole lot of things ARE BETTER here than in Britain), and yet there's something not right.
My situation is extremely complicated unfortunately (like your is but in a different way) but if I'm being completely honest I know that the things I like about Australia are mostly superficial and materialistic things, whereas what I miss about Britain are family, friends and my history and culture which really is much more important.
Unfortunately for me the decision is not easy as that might make it sound, but I still know it's true.
My advice is, talk it through patiently and thoroughly with your husband, make sure he fully understands just how desperately you need to be back home. Make the point to him about it being in the best long term interests of the children too. Then if you can persuade him to go back with you, agree on a realistic timetable and go ahead and move back.
GOOD LUCK!
I often wonder the same things as you. My lifestyle in Australia seems almost perfect in many respects (and to be honest a whole lot of things ARE BETTER here than in Britain), and yet there's something not right.
My situation is extremely complicated unfortunately (like your is but in a different way) but if I'm being completely honest I know that the things I like about Australia are mostly superficial and materialistic things, whereas what I miss about Britain are family, friends and my history and culture which really is much more important.
Unfortunately for me the decision is not easy as that might make it sound, but I still know it's true.
My advice is, talk it through patiently and thoroughly with your husband, make sure he fully understands just how desperately you need to be back home. Make the point to him about it being in the best long term interests of the children too. Then if you can persuade him to go back with you, agree on a realistic timetable and go ahead and move back.
GOOD LUCK!
Last edited by backagen; Oct 14th 2008 at 8:46 am.
Oct 14th 2008, 11:02 am
#11
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Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 377
Re: Why am I so unhappy here? Should I go back?
HI .i know exactly how you feel...when we moved to uae 4 years ago i hated it and could not settle.....the best thing i did was go back to uk after 6 mths for a holiday(and we have a house in wiltshire very pretty ,etc)but after less than 1 day i realized what we had back in uae and changed my flight ,,and have never looked back....only u can decide what is right for u ,,,what ever others may say xxxxGOOD LUCK xxx
Oct 14th 2008, 12:10 pm
#12
Account Closed
Thread Starter
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 79
Re: Why am I so unhappy here? Should I go back?
Thanks Lobby Lou, thats exactly what i think we should do anyway. Many friends have said to us "You'd be mad to come back here" and i realsie we are very very lucky to have been given this opportunity. It doesn't change the fact that i'm so homesick though. Only someone that has gone through what i am going through understands this. Thats the reason i love British Expats...
Thanks again
xxx
Thanks again
xxx
Oct 14th 2008, 2:52 pm
#13
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Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 377
Re: Why am I so unhappy here? Should I go back?
i actually went to see a shrink in the end as i was so depressed...he was fab ...now here is defo home
My 18 yr old daughter was the same she went on & on to go back to uk....already had enough and on her way home....says she will never whing again....bless..4 out of 5 of her ex best friends inoxford have babies....sad ,,,
My 18 yr old daughter was the same she went on & on to go back to uk....already had enough and on her way home....says she will never whing again....bless..4 out of 5 of her ex best friends inoxford have babies....sad ,,,
Oct 14th 2008, 3:55 pm
#14
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Sep 2007
Location: Southwestern Illinois, USA
Posts: 1,902
Re: Why am I so unhappy here? Should I go back?
i actually went to see a shrink in the end as i was so depressed...he was fab ...now here is defo home
My 18 yr old daughter was the same she went on & on to go back to uk....already had enough and on her way home....says she will never whing again....bless..4 out of 5 of her ex best friends inoxford have babies....sad ,,,
My 18 yr old daughter was the same she went on & on to go back to uk....already had enough and on her way home....says she will never whing again....bless..4 out of 5 of her ex best friends inoxford have babies....sad ,,,
Sorry to hear that. I know what horrible depression is like. Glad that you got help and that things are sorted now
Oct 14th 2008, 4:10 pm
#15
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Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 377
Re: Why am I so unhappy here? Should I go back?
i would recommend it to anybody xxxxxthanks xxx