happy-go-lucky-lass

I’m interested in hearing other parents’ views on when moving back to the UK will also involve a separation and children.

I will be returning to the UK in a few years’ time - I’ve been in Australia for over a decade now, and our children were both born here. OH does not want to go back and will remain in Oz. There’s no nastiness between us - we have tried very hard to make this work but it hasn’t.
Our priority - and my only concern - is our kids’ aged 10 and 12. Our eldest is pretty emotionally mature for his age. We generally have open communication with them on most things, and their views and opinions are listened to, and treated with respect.
My dilemma is when should we involve them in what is going to happen? Should we even tell them until the move is getting underway? And from what age is it appropriate that your children are given the choice of where they live, and which parent they live with?

verystormy

christmasoompa

Hi, welcome to BE.

Sorry to hear that your marriage has broken down. Are the children going to be staying in Oz or moving back to the UK with you?

happy-go-lucky-lass

Hi there,

Thanks for the welcome , Christmasoompa.

At this stage, no decisions have been made about whether the children will remain here or come back to the UK with me. The only reason our relationship has broken down is my overwhelming homesickness that has dominated my life for over ten years' - it sounds ridiculous to even write that - and the fact that OH has never been open to moving back to the UK.

OH is probably going to push the argument for the children to remain here with him, and I can see the sense in that, up to a point - he is a really great Dad, this is their home, they have a fantastic support network here, all OH's family, friends etc. I know they would be loved and looked after. But equally, and selfishly, the thought of returning to the UK and being separated from my children is unthinkable. I think the children would, if given the choice, probably choose to come with me but I know they would be okay if they stayed here. Hence my question - is it right to involve them in the decision about where and who they live with, or is that too much to put on a child?

happy-go-lucky-lass

Thanks, verystormy, it's a very valid point and yes, I've looked into it and have sought legal advice. If the negotiations between my OH and I did break down, there is no point in my going down a legal route on this as it would be extremely unlikely that I would win.

sherbert

I would assume that asking a child to choose which parent to live with would put an enormous sense of guilt on them and could possibly be quite traumatic. Also, it's not as if you're moving across town and the child can justify its choice by knowing that the other parent will be close by.

Dorothy

I personally wouldn't ask the children's opinion but I would encourage you to come to an agreement with your spouse on the children spending school holidays with the other parent and get it as part of the custody documents. If and when the time comes that one or both of them decide they want to be with the other parent then it would be time for you all to sit down and have a chat. However at that young age, as said above it would put a lot of guilt on the child having to "choose" a parent.

happy-go-lucky-lass

Thanks for your comments, Dorothy and Sherbert. I share your view that it's too big a decision to put on my children - irrespective of the fact that they would be teenagers by then, they would, without doubt, feel guilt in choosing to live with one parent over the other. My sensible head says that the children would be best to stay in Australia, at least initially, but obviously my heart is saying something completely different.

We still have a couple of years to go, so my OH and I will have to thrash this out between us, maybe using a mediation service as an impartial third-party. Having said that, my children are not shy in speaking their minds so they may state their preference anyway.

sherbert

If they state a preference as informed teenagers then all good but directly asking them might be too much. It must be an extremely difficult time for you - good luck with it all.

Liminal

Hello, I just wanted to add my thoughts, having been in a similar situation.

I would say it is too much to ask your children to decide, since you are proposing to move to the furthest point on the planet, not a nearby town. In my case I am living in Canada, now divorced from my Canadian wife, and we have a son. Also, like you, I lived with a crippling home-sickness, it's not ridiculous of you to mention it at all, it's not something you would have factored in when planning to move to Australia, and I know how it can taint your days, I felt like I was holding my breath until I could go home and breathe easy again (no disrespect to Canada, it's a fine place). My wife left me in 2013 when our son was 12 and I'd been in Canada over 15 years. In my case I have custody of my son and I made the decision not to return to England until he is grown up. This despite my ex suggesting at first that I return to England with him (though later on she changed her mind about that). Even though she moved about 11 hours drive and ferry away and sees my son only in the school holidays, I felt my son needed to have regular access to both parents, hence I committed to staying here for at least 6 more years, even though the impulse to return to England and my family was strong.

An unexpected outcome of the separation was, oddly enough, that my homesickness has lessened and I have become more happy being here than I would have thought possible, with a good network of friends I didn't have when married. I have also felt a renewed sense of adventure, and freedom to enjoy being here. I have always been devoted to my son and feel that the right thing in my circumstances was to stay. I also think the possible battle to return to England would have ruined me in the courts and created a more toxic situation, and I just wanted to provide stability and love for my son.

In your situation it sounds as if by choosing to return to the UK, you could potentially be blamed by your children for breaking up their family, whether they go with you or stay, there could be some resentment towards you. Also, if they return to the UK with you, they would be removed from their social circles and could well experience homesickness for Australia. I don't know if sharing this is any help to you, but I wish you well, it's a really difficult situation to be in.

feelbritish

I am so sorry you are in this situation. You may have thought of this, but could you not move back for a period of maybe 6 months to a year to see if the UK is still the same as you remember? A lot has changed here in the 10 years you have been away. That way, you can see if it is really Australia that you are not happy with or it is your marriage? Sometimes we tend to not be able to see the "wood for the trees" when we are unhappy in life. All the best.

happy-go-lucky-lass

Thanks Liminal for sharing your story, especially having been through a similar dilemma and come out the other side, still sane and positive. You sound like you have reached a place of acceptance about your situation and maybe that's also due, in part, to having regained control of it, if that makes sense. I wonder if this will be the case for me, too. There is no question of my being able to take the children back home. My OH would contest it and I'm not prepared to fight through the court. So, I'm stuck here. I can go back home anytime without the children - I will be happy initially but I'm sure that, over time, the euphoria of finally being home will wear off, and being separated from them will make me feel as despairing as the homesickness does now. So, like you, I am faced with having to stay here until the children finish school.

Lion in Winter

It's a tough situation, but as a mum thinking about my child being unhappy is far worse than being unhappy myself. They won't be able to choose between seeing their mum all the time and being in Oz with their father and friends and are likely to feel pain either way. They won't see either one as a "good" choice. Knowing that you will be free to go back to the UK might help you deal with staying in Oz until the children leave school. Good luck.

Liminal

Yes it does get better with time, I think you are right about having regained some control, it's not a perfect situation but it is okay. I found at first I had to rethink being so far from home, and try to escape the feeling of being trapped in Canada, a result of home-sickness and infrequent trips home. One of the ways I got around that was to instead consider myself to be travelling on the other side of the world, a more positive state of mind as travelling always appealed to me. And importantly knowing that what had looked like a life-long commitment to live in Canada was now something entirely different, with a potential end-date if I wanted it. As it turns out my son really loves Britain and wants to move there, so we are now in the process of preparing to do that, maybe next year. You'll probably find that new, good people come into your life and that'll also be a big help.