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What lenghts would you go to, to persuade a teenager to return to the UK with you?

What lenghts would you go to, to persuade a teenager to return to the UK with you?

Old Aug 23rd 2007, 9:26 pm
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Default Re: What lenghts would you go to, to persuade a teenager to return to the UK with you

Having raised 2 daughtes who now have their own families, i can tell you that trying to force a 17yr old girl to do what you want is futile.
If i were in your shoes i'd play it clever. Tell her she is welcome to stay but make sure you write out a long list of things she will ned to plan for and do to make staying here on her own happen. Dont preach just tell her you are helping make her first steps out on her own.
If she is truly serious about staying here and has enough guts to do it she'll do it. If she doesnt i would imagine after contemplating the list and cacking her pants for a while she may well come running after you to the airport.
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Old Aug 23rd 2007, 11:55 pm
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Default Re: What lenghts would you go to, to persuade a teenager to return to the UK with you

A good slap and a straight jacket .
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Old Aug 23rd 2007, 11:57 pm
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Default Re: What lenghts would you go to, to persuade a teenager to return to the UK with you

Originally Posted by Rushman
A good slap and a straight jacket .
I tend to agree with you.
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Old Aug 24th 2007, 12:32 pm
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Default Re: What lenghts would you go to, to persuade a teenager to return to the UK with you

Coming at this from my own experience, I would leave her be. My parents forced me to come to the US when I was 17 and three months away from taking my A levels. I say forced because they told me they would cut me off from any funds (isn't that lovely?) and wouldn't help pay for uni if I stayed in the UK (but would pay if I came with them). This, after I'd found a place to stay with a friend and her family and had my grandmother begging them to let me stay.

It was a complete and unmitigated disaster. I hated it here and went from being the good convent girl (!) to acting out, drinking with the people I met in high school, and not speaking to them for about four months. We had more fights in the two years before I left for uni than we had in the previous 17. It was a nightmare, and my dad and I still have a very rocky relationship.

Luckily things got better when I went to school, but it did leave a permanent rift, and I still sometimes feel resentful that they made me leave and then threw up a lot of guilt and other obstacles when I wanted to come home as an adult. I'm finally (at 43) making my way home after longing for the past umpteen years but am really wondering if things will work out because it's been so long and I'm thoroughly Americanized. It's left me in a bit of a "no-man's land", not really feeling as though I belong anywhere.

So, a bit long-winded but I'm hoping this helps put things in perspective. It's possible that I would have come out to join my parents once I'd had a few months of toughing it out on my own, but being forced to come set me up for a good number of years of being just ticked off and resentful. It also damaged what had been a really good relationship between me and my parents, basically because I felt I had gone from being an active, respected member of the family to suddenly having no power in the family and being completely disregarded (you know when you're 17, respect is everything!).
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Old Aug 24th 2007, 1:00 pm
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Default Re: What lenghts would you go to, to persuade a teenager to return to the UK with you

Originally Posted by TaraC
Coming at this from my own experience, I would leave her be. My parents forced me to come to the US when I was 17 and three months away from taking my A levels. I say forced because they told me they would cut me off from any funds (isn't that lovely?) and wouldn't help pay for uni if I stayed in the UK (but would pay if I came with them). This, after I'd found a place to stay with a friend and her family and had my grandmother begging them to let me stay.

It was a complete and unmitigated disaster. I hated it here and went from being the good convent girl (!) to acting out, drinking with the people I met in high school, and not speaking to them for about four months. We had more fights in the two years before I left for uni than we had in the previous 17. It was a nightmare, and my dad and I still have a very rocky relationship.

Luckily things got better when I went to school, but it did leave a permanent rift, and I still sometimes feel resentful that they made me leave and then threw up a lot of guilt and other obstacles when I wanted to come home as an adult. I'm finally (at 43) making my way home after longing for the past umpteen years but am really wondering if things will work out because it's been so long and I'm thoroughly Americanized. It's left me in a bit of a "no-man's land", not really feeling as though I belong anywhere.

So, a bit long-winded but I'm hoping this helps put things in perspective. It's possible that I would have come out to join my parents once I'd had a few months of toughing it out on my own, but being forced to come set me up for a good number of years of being just ticked off and resentful. It also damaged what had been a really good relationship between me and my parents, basically because I felt I had gone from being an active, respected member of the family to suddenly having no power in the family and being completely disregarded (you know when you're 17, respect is everything!).
This is an excellent post.

I suppose its a sad and difficult situation for all concerned when a parent moves country for a while and then moves back to the UK, but the teen doesnt want to go with them because they are enjoying the better life that their parents came in search for in the first place but perhaps havent found themselves.
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Old Aug 24th 2007, 4:47 pm
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Default Re: What lenghts would you go to, to persuade a teenager to return to the UK with you

If she is a bright girl, she'll manage. I am putting my own seventeen year old on a plane in a couple of weeks to go back to the UK ahead of us. She starts Uni and a new life all on her own. It's so hard, but she is ready to go. It's me who is not ready to relinquish the control, she's still my baby but in truth she is not a baby any longer. At her age I was on my own too, but I forget that! If you leave her be but let her know that she can come "home" to you at the drop of a hat, all will be well. It will.....
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Old Aug 24th 2007, 7:01 pm
  #22  
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Default Re: What lenghts would you go to, to persuade a teenager to return to the UK with you

I find if I want my daughter to do something...I'm better to plant a few seeds here and there rather than trying to change her mind.

Like many others I left home at 18 and financed myself. My daughter went to uni in Canada at 18. IMHO it's the parent who it hits the hardest not the child...you just have to make sure they know you are always there for them.
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Old Aug 24th 2007, 7:03 pm
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Default Re: What lenghts would you go to, to persuade a teenager to return to the UK with you

My experience may or may not help but here goes.... I was 4 years old when my family left the UK and headed the US. My Mother and Father had been married nearly 30 years when my Mother decided she couldn't stand another day in the USA and could no longer stand by my Dad. She hated that my Father had lied, telling her it was a temporary move and after nearly 4 years she realised that he had no intention of returning. Their marriage was over so she took me to the Airport and we arrived back in the UK when I was 8.
My eldest Sister stayed in the UK when the rest of us left. She was 21 and married when we immigrated, and had given birth to my Mum's first grandchild whilst we were away, which brtoke my Mum's heart.
My 2nd eldest sister was 17 when we arrived in America, got her first real boyfriend and had moved in with him so she remained. Even at the age of 8 I felt a strong resentment for being torn away from everything I knew. My world was gone overnight. I went from having everything, (feeling secure in my neighbourhood, recognising people, lovely school, beautiful big home, lovely cars, toys, friends), to nothing but a few things that would fit in our suitcase and as my Mother struggled to get us a council flat and then worked every hour she could in a local hospital I had to get used to a new school in Londons east end where people thought I talked funny. I felt like an outsider. That feeling stayed with me, subtly in the background for most of my years. She once said 'if you're going to immigrate, you have to do it young. I was 43 when we moved and it was too late in life to start all over again in a new country'.
Fast forward to 2003 and my husband, I and our son moved to the USA. My son was 11. Luckily he was happy to move but now that we are considering returning, it is one of my fears that whatever we decide (stay or go), he may not agree with, and I can not imagine leaving him behind. I had no say as a child so it has made me the opposite with my kids and I probably tell them too much, but so far it has worked. He's 15 and a half now and will be 17 - 18 when we make our final decision to stay or go, and then maybe I will be in your shoes. Immigration does tear families apart and even if it's not that bad at first, later down the road the choices we made can be regretable. Just before I left the UK in 2003, my Mother, who NEVER spoke a word about my Father (he died when I was 17) suddenly piped up 'This is all your Fathers fault - if he had never have taken us there in the first place...'
Bottom line is, I think it depends more on personality than age and whether everyone in the family have the same priorities.
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Old Aug 25th 2007, 5:35 am
  #24  
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Default Re: What lenghts would you go to, to persuade a teenager to return to the UK with you

Another view point

I wanted so much to return to the UK after five year her I really had enough of the homesickness and depression....I talked and talked with my family and we made arrangements for me to go back this August, I got a new job all organised and was going to return with my daughter 15 leaving hubby and 17 year old son here until he finished school Year 12 and HSC in November. Then hopefully they would come back together in January. But my son had said that he might stay to attend uni here in Sydney which we agreed to because it was his choice though we also said we would pay for uni in the UK if he wanted. Then as August drew near my 15 year old said she did not want to return (she had always said she wanted to go back up till then). My husband offered to let me go back on my own and 'get it out of my system' he is a great man and was trying his best to accommodate everyone.

Anyway bottom line - I didn't go, I have swopped jobs and made some changes and am happier for it. I know my son might still head off to the UK for uni or work this December and I am not staying just to be near him. I am staying because I want to keep my family together where the majority of them want to be. I couldn't persuade a 15 year old to come back even though I could of forced her - it would not have been right for us.

I was forced all over the country during my teenage years and moved school five times and countries three. I brought my children here at 10 and 12 when they really did not want to move and now they have the right to make their own decisions and they will always have my support. So although I tried my best offering them the sun moon and stars my persuasion got me no where

I think you should go....she may very well come along later....but make sure you have no regrets. I hope it all works well out for you.
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Old Aug 25th 2007, 5:38 am
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Default Re: What lenghts would you go to, to persuade a teenager to return to the UK with you

Originally Posted by Professional Princess
I left home and moved away at 16 myself, moved back briefly at 17 as my workplace closed down and then I left home again at 18 and was self sufficient.

It got to a stage in my life where I wanted to live by my rules and not my Mums.
I left home at 15. Went back afew times, but it never worked out. Sometimes teenagers need to be on their own. I learnt independence early and i never regret any of it.
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Old Aug 25th 2007, 3:04 pm
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Default Re: What lenghts would you go to, to persuade a teenager to return to the UK with you

OP - are you OK? We've not heard from you!
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Old Aug 25th 2007, 10:03 pm
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Default Re: What lenghts would you go to, to persuade a teenager to return to the UK with you

Originally Posted by dingbat
If she is a bright girl, she'll manage. I am putting my own seventeen year old on a plane in a couple of weeks to go back to the UK ahead of us. She starts Uni and a new life all on her own. It's so hard, but she is ready to go. It's me who is not ready to relinquish the control, she's still my baby but in truth she is not a baby any longer. At her age I was on my own too, but I forget that! If you leave her be but let her know that she can come "home" to you at the drop of a hat, all will be well. It will.....
Does this mean you're moving back to the UK?

Sorry just being noisy.
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Old Aug 26th 2007, 12:50 am
  #28  
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Default Re: What lenghts would you go to, to persuade a teenager to return to the UK with you

Originally Posted by raine66
Does this mean you're moving back to the UK?

Sorry just being noisy.
Yes, we are. We have both been offered very good jobs back home, just have to find somewhere to live for a few months until we qualify for a mortgage. Scary after all this time.....
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Old Aug 26th 2007, 2:57 am
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Default Re: What lenghts would you go to, to persuade a teenager to return to the UK with you

Originally Posted by TaraC
Coming at this from my own experience, I would leave her be. My parents forced me to come to the US when I was 17 and three months away from taking my A levels. I say forced because they told me they would cut me off from any funds (isn't that lovely?) and wouldn't help pay for uni if I stayed in the UK (but would pay if I came with them). This, after I'd found a place to stay with a friend and her family and had my grandmother begging them to let me stay.

It was a complete and unmitigated disaster. I hated it here and went from being the good convent girl (!) to acting out, drinking with the people I met in high school, and not speaking to them for about four months. We had more fights in the two years before I left for uni than we had in the previous 17. It was a nightmare, and my dad and I still have a very rocky relationship.

Luckily things got better when I went to school, but it did leave a permanent rift, and I still sometimes feel resentful that they made me leave and then threw up a lot of guilt and other obstacles when I wanted to come home as an adult. I'm finally (at 43) making my way home after longing for the past umpteen years but am really wondering if things will work out because it's been so long and I'm thoroughly Americanized. It's left me in a bit of a "no-man's land", not really feeling as though I belong anywhere.

So, a bit long-winded but I'm hoping this helps put things in perspective. It's possible that I would have come out to join my parents once I'd had a few months of toughing it out on my own, but being forced to come set me up for a good number of years of being just ticked off and resentful. It also damaged what had been a really good relationship between me and my parents, basically because I felt I had gone from being an active, respected member of the family to suddenly having no power in the family and being completely disregarded (you know when you're 17, respect is everything!).
What a great post, I just read it out to my OH its exactly how I see it now!!! We are going to support her to stay even though my eldest has no respect for my OH and they actually have had a rocky relationship for about two years. Im trying to make him see that she has gotta get her own life, and I have mothered and spoilt her too much, she needs to get on, and with the support of some great friends here, I feel happier now about leaving her, your post has helped me a lot, I think we are doing the right thing leaving her here, if we took her back to UK she would resent me for the rest of our lives and we would be a bloody miserable family!!!
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Old Aug 26th 2007, 12:19 pm
  #30  
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Default Re: What lenghts would you go to, to persuade a teenager to return to the UK with you

My parents moved my sister and I to Spain when I was 12 and she was 8. At the time I thought it was exciting, but looking back I see it as incredibly selfish. My sister and I went through so much (new school, new friends, new environment and NEW LANGUAGE!) that was never really aknowledged by my parents. I left when I was 16 and went back to England. My sister stayed. Fast forward 25 years and my parents decided that they didn't want to stay there anymore and left to move back to England. What happened though was that my sister had become very Spanish in that time (she moved back too, with her daughter) and finds it very difficult to find her way in the UK. I get angry when I think about how we were just shuffled around like pieces of furniture at the convenience of our parents. We were not really considered. The impact of that decision, 26 years ago, is still being felt. Families that have been split up, feeling unsettled, my niece does not see her father because he still is in Spain. When you're a teenager, moving house is hard enough, let alone moving to another country. Parents, the impact of your decision to move abroad with kids goes way beyond the weather, taxes and a better life. It has an impact for generations to come. Think about it!
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